Champagne

No, all the way to the top, son.

Champagne Pronounced "Cham pagany" is an alc'holic beverage made from grapes, famous for it's bubbbly effervececence which is produced by a chemical reaction between the booze and the bottle which is made out of alka-seltzer. The term champagne is often erroner...erronioser... is wrongly used to refer to any sort of sparkling white wine, itsh more betterly used to refer only to sparkling wines from the Champagne... Chamgagney place in France.

Origins

Yeah... no, shut up, I know about this, I was just reading this thing... there were these monks, right? And they made this wine, but all of the things, the bubbles, they leeched away 'cause they were carbon monoxide or whatever... so then the this old lady came up with this idea called method champagnoysey, only you say it with a frog accent or whatever.

Method

Basic'aly champagne is made like regular wine, out of grapes , all stomped up by french guys in vats, and like the athletes' foot fungus makes it ferment. An then they put it in big barrels, and every year they takes out some, right, and it goes in the barrel underneath, and some of that barrel goes under that guy until it gets to the bottom, and that's why its called methode champagne, because champagne is French for bottom of the barrel. Then they bottle it... bottom of the barrel! I just got it... thas funny...

Bottling

Nech they champagne goes into bottles, cause otherwise you can't open 't. Wass... was the good of that? Can' open it, can' drin' it... stupid...

The bottles have to go, right, they have to go, they have to go, they you have to put them in a celler that's really cold... really cold... oh, God I miss Diane. Why'd she have to... fuck it. Just fuck it. Shit.

Cellaring

The girl on th' right invented corks, but I've got my eye on the one on the left; so keep y'r han's off, awright? She looks like she bangs like a thbentnn....

Fuck. Yeah, th' bottles. They go in the cellar, and you only turn them a quater of an inch a year, and they stay there for years an' years an' years, until all of the carbon monixide and yeast and brut and demi-sec have built up inside them, right, then they're ready, to come out of the cellars. This process is call' decellaring and it's illegal in France and Italy.

Other Countries

Because only the Frenchies can make real champagne, other countries can't call it champagne, unless its French, but theirs isn't, right? Like how Italians have to call it spumantaray, and Australians have to call it passion pop or leg-opener, and the Yanks call it Zima or some fu'in' thing.

Opening Champagne Bottles

For this, you c'n use yer han's, or one of those grippy things. 'S a name for those... shit... it's not tongs. Look like tongs but sounds different...

Any way, y'r not s'posed ta use a corkscrew, for some stupid reason. Stuck up sonsabitches... if God hadn't meant fer man ta use corkscrews, he wouldn'ta put 'em on Swiss Army knifes. Am I right, or am I right? Wha? Hey, I'm th'wone talkin' here, and I say it's knifes. Withan "eff," as in "Fuck you and go back ta yer own c'ntry if ya can't speak Englissh like norm'l peopl'." Asshole....

Serving

There's these cups made like Queen Lisa Antoinette Marie's jugs... they weren't ver' big, but in thosh days righ people c'd hire peasants to feed their babies and give birth to them or whatever... C'rse, now'days anybody c'n get themselves some ch'mp'n, an' those hoity-toity j'rks c'n't do 'nythin' 'bout it. C'z we... live in d'mcrasy, tha's why! B't the goddamn (hic) pinkos... wanna br'ng back Comm'nism, or somthin' like that. I'm tellin' ya, th'whole c'ntry's gon' down th'tubes. An' it's all... (hic) s'all Bush's fault, or Blair's, or whoever's in ch'rga wh'tever c'ntry th's is (hic). Where am I, anyway? Wait, I know! I'm athe bott'm of my f'ncy drinkin' glass. I needa r'fill.

Champagne should not be served with... no... on s'cnd (hic) thought, champagne should be served. No, I'll say when I've had enough, you fu'in' fu'a.

Champane tastes gooood!