UnBooks:An Uncyc Ban Diary

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Preface: User is blocked

You can watch Uncyclopedia, but you aren't allowed to shag the sheep.

Your user name or IP address has been blocked by The Right Honourable Famine.

You were banninated due to the following reasons:

Sockpuppeteering, and excessive throwing of hissy fits - sentenced to one week to become sane again, JeffArch. If that's possible.

It wasn't my fault. I didn't sockpuppet that vote, and I certainly didn't lie when I was asked if I had. I think it's best I let you know that from the start, so you don't think I'm some kind of vote-whore. That sort of thing can cause you to lose all respect for a person, and respect is important, not that those shit-sticks would know anything about that. Anyway, I'm writing this diary because I'm not allowed to write anything else - because they took away everything I had and expected me to learn from it. They think this is the way to make people into more productive Uncyclopedians do they? By stopping them from editing? Well, we'll see about that! I'm going to post this as soon as I get back on there, just to show everybody how corrupt the system really is. Then we'll see who's learnt what.

Day One


That ban screen was quite a shock to me when it appeared. I was ICUing some vanity articles at the time. I can't stand vanity; people who aren't important shouldn't try to write about themselves - why would the public be interested in that? You need a well-known person, like me, to make people interested. Anyway, suddenly everything changed.

I found out later that it happens to everybody this way - one minute they're happily editing away and the next: BANG! And then you're behind that wall, staring through that window at the new edit page. You click onto another page almost by reflex, go to edit it, and there is the notice again. There is that unfriendly barred window. There is the box with the page's text in, unchangeable, all the edit buttons confiscated and put into a little locked box to be returned to you on your release. You hear about users getting banned all the time: it's a threat we all receive and give out (well, I mean people think I'm an admin already, or at least the n00bs do, and who am I to correct them?) But you don't know what it's like until it happens to you. Those walls and windows


everywhere, and the articles outside them, suddenly so far away, all their mistakes and clichés crying out to be corrected, only to present you with yet another wall when you try to.

Still in a certain amount of shock, I found myself reading the notice again. "More than likely, you were banned because you failed to read or understand The Beginner's Guide to Being an Uncyclopedian, How To Be Funny And Not Just Stupid, and/or Our Vanity Policy. If this is the case, or even if it's not, take some time to read these documents now." It was not the case. This notice wasn't aimed at me. I'm an established user, I post all the time, and I have a pretty good ratio of things that don't get deleted out of the five or six pages I create every week. I'd have more, but an admin told me I'm not allowed to remove ICUs from my pages any more even if they're for really stupid reasons and put there by people who know less about humour than I do. And when I complained about that admin the others agreed with him, and there I was being threatened with a ban again, so I backed down. See - it's not like I wanted to get banned, not like all those vandal idiots!

"If you'd like to see the log of your ban, the reason, duration, and time of issuance can be found in Special:Ipblocklist and Special:Log/block." Seven days, just like the summary said. I was going to be trapped behind these walls and windows for seven whole days. My typing fingers started to twitch.

I thought, "I can escape this damned prison! I can go to Encyclopedia Dramatica! I can go to Illogicopedia! I would be the king of fools. They would appreciate my supreme talent at either of those admirable wikis. They’ll be kinder to me at Encyclopedia Dramatica. I can feel it. Here’s what they say. Wait a moment when the block you they say they’ve raped you. Blocked users get butthurt. Suddenly my seat feels uncomfortable. No. I will not desert Uncyc. Not just yet. Will I? I’m not quite sure. I'm used to Uncyc. I like it here."

Day Two

Trash Offering.JPG

When I get up in the morning, I go straight to the Village Dump. It's a habit of mine that kicks in even before I've completely woken up - I like to see what arguments people have tried to use against my "JeffArch's Cause of the Week". I have to admit I kind of like reading what I wrote yesterday too. I think that's only natural - I find my posts funnier than other people's after all! I'm sure everyone feels the same about their own, although some of them are seriously misguided!

Today I got a few of the standard random replies - I can never tell whether they're mocking me or just being childish, so I generally ignore them. But then an admin's name appeared on the list, and I knew this was going to be good.

"If you were anyone else, JeffArch, I'd have trouble believing you were serious, but since it's you I'll assume that you are as usual. So the ICU policy is a 'communist manifesto' because it lets people put them on your pages, is it? Well, I think we'll just have to take that risk."

I clicked edit. This guy obviously hadn't read what I'd written - my policy about no ICUs for established users would benefit us all in the long run, and it's not like I was sayin... But I'd forgotten about something.

No writing.png

"Frankly, now you've finally got banned, you're lucky anyone even bothered to reply to this suggestion. I'll be happy that for once I don't have to read ten paragraphs of your reply."

As I ate my banned-man's breakfast, I clicked my way around the dump. People asking stupid questions. People making stupid replies. People voting stupidly. I went back to the page where I'd done the "creative voting" that started this whole stupid mess. It was an issue I really cared about, so I did what I had to do, to make it go my way. I care about all the issues, of course, but this one had really made my pulse race. Somebody had crossed out the offending vote.

Against --Archer-nemesis

Archer-nemesis? I can smell sock-puppetry, JeffArch, and it ain't summer-fresh. --Boink
Really? I can smell... wait, Boink - I thought I told you no more beans? --Sir Normal Operator
...and so on, until my important issue sounded as trivial as a page about somebody's pet cat.

The final poster was the guy who banned me, bluntly telling everyone I was "having a week off". What a euphemistic thing to say about a person who's still reading everything you're saying, but just can't talk back. I shouted at the screen for a while, and banged on that damned window, but it didn't help, either to get my message across or to make me feel better. Sometimes I feel like that even when I can post.

But I had to get back on and retaliate. Keeping quiet was killing me. It was certainly stopping me from getting any work done - I spent all day thinking about how I could get around the ban. If I could get on there, I would just post my side of the story, and then I would leave again. Maybe I would never come back. I'd always felt underappreciated - nobody had ever nommed me for an award, and when I suggested to someone they might like to, I just got laughed at again. "Nobody cares, JeffArch!" I suppose they have awards at Encyclopedia Dramatica and Illogicopedia? It would serve everyone right if I moved to Wikipedia, where they appreciate someone who takes policy seriously, even if they don't like it when you make jokey pages about Bill Gates. Yes, as soon as I could get back onto Uncyc I would tell them where they could stick their bansticks from now on.


Okay, I have to admit I wasn't very imaginative at first. You know on the films where they try to sneak out of prison in a laundry basket? Well I tried to sneak back into Uncyc in a sock. I mean, don't get the wrong impression, I don't have a whole army of these things. Just a few, in case I need to say something and I don't want people to be prejudiced against it because it's me saying it. That admin guy was too clever a warder to leave the laundry basket unguarded though. My sockpuppet was banned too, and all the others (there really aren't that many, but he even found the three I've never used before). And my IP too, so I couldn't make a new account to quit with. Before sinking back into bed for the night I tried a proxy, and spent a frustrated hour working out that the free ones don't let you submit forms. I felt like I was trying to dig my way in through that window with a plastic spork. And it was taking just as long, too.

Day Three

You don't appreciate it when you have your right to use Uncyc, but there's a load of people languishing in bannination. Just look at the blocklist. No, really, click the link and really look. That's what I did today. I think we tend to think of them all as non-people. We know that someone has condemned them to be here, so we don't even bother to ask why, or whether they might have been innocent. Certainly no-one's bothering to clamour for my release yet. And the place is crammed, hundreds of people forced in here every month. It's a wonder the server has the facilities to cope with keeping all these people shut away. It must cost some serious money. Sooner or later they're just going to have to start letting people free at random, and the place will fall into chaos.

There's such a variety here too, from serial page murderers to people who were funny once and just burned out into madness. And remember that guy who got a bit worked up over some nonsense? What was his name, SegaSuckz? You probably don't remember him, but that's my point. They're all out there, looking in, gagged and bound. Many of them wish they could be productive members of society, but the longer they are kept away the more they'll hate us.


And then there are the innocents... And the innocents are less likely to know how to do ban evasion and stuff. How many innocents are there? Only the Admins who banned them know. Bad stuff is deleted. I wish I knew how many are as innocent as I am. Well I guess there are people here more innocent than me. I have my tactics, but I have to fight a bit dirty when I'm the only one thinking what I'm thinking. So maybe it's my fault - I shouldn't have got caught.

There was a new policy up for vote on the Dump today. I'm normally so quick with these things - I see the first line or two and I can tell you why it won't work. But today I lacked the life for it - I sat there and read the whole thing. And all the votes. And when I typed out my against vote, to be added when I got back on (before leaving for good, you know), I couldn't think clearly enough to give even one reason why whatever they were talking about shouldn't happen.

In the evening I realised that I could probably get unbanned if I could find a nice admin on IRC. I knew I hadn't personally insulted all of them yet. I hadn't gone there yet because it felt too weak - like admitting failure; but right then I was feeling pretty helpless. I lurked for a while under some random name, just listening - I don't know why. I'm more known for my arguing than my listening. I guess I was trying to work out who to ask for unbanning. It's not like I missed people or anything. I mean, I'd been listening all day on the Dump, too.

So you've been banned. Yes we know.

***JeffArch has joined #uncyclopedia
<JeffArch> So who wants to unban me?
<TokenFemale> I was wondering when you'd show up
<TokenFemale> By which I mean: not me
<JeffArch> Hey, what did I do?
<TokenFemale> Got banned, I believe
<JeffArch> STFU, this isn't funny!
***SirNormal is NOT sniggering. Not at all.
<TokenFemale> The fact that you still think you've done nothing wrong
<TokenFemale> is why I'm not going to unban you.
<TokenFemale> And also is why you're getting kicked before you answer back again.
***JeffArch was kicked from #uncyclopedia.

Day Four

Internet cafe.JPG

I went to an internet cafe today. I paid two pounds for a soggy croissant and an unbanned IP address for half-an-hour. At home I've got an expensive, efficient Internet Service Provider with a super efficient static IP Adress and I have to pay at an Internet cafe. I made myself a little account - called it "EuroIquit" - and loaded up the floppy disk with the quitting speech I drafted yesterday.

For old time's sake I popped over to the New Pages list, and spent a while sticking things on QVFD. I've always liked it there - it's so anonymous. You just dump your load of rubbish and leave. Then again, that never really worked to my advantage - I think everyone always assumed I did nothing but write articles they didn't like and complain when they got deleted again. When I'm gone, someone'll just start another thread saying the cruft is backing up a bit and we need another forest fire week, and no-one will make the connection between me and something useful that got done.


I'm looking at that window again despite the fact that I'm free. I've got kind of perversely fond of looking out of it in the last few days. I know the view is probably photoshopped from the Windows XP background, but it looks so peaceful out there. I never really got to grips with peaceful until I started hanging around here without being able to say anything.

On the Village Dump they're still talking about bad smells after the sockpuppet vote. I reach for the edit button to flame back, maybe add some sarcasm to their userpages that wasn't there before. Then I load up the window picture again and look at it. It's like I was still banned - well I suppose I am, technically. Is this some kind of guilty conscience, or just a prison I've made up in my head? Anyway, I back out of the Dump again and make some more quiet edits, and then my time is up and my croissant is even more inedible. There's plenty of poor folk who won't mind a soggy croissant. I'm not used to being pushed about as they are. How do I get round those admins?

I don't know quite why I didn't post that message. Or why I deliberately left the floppy in the machine at the cafe when I walked out. I guess I'm not going to leave just yet. And I did think of one final way to try and get back in there... Not something I would normally try, but it might work, I guess...

***JeffArchIsSorry has joined #uncyclopedia

It’s over, almost.

See also

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