UnBooks:The sad fate of the banned users who escaped into a Sock puppet
Most Uncyclopedians - users of this website you are looking at - are well behaved, or so we hope, but unfortunately some make mistakes, and still others are purposely naughty. To punish the latter kind there is the block, which the nice people called administrators, or admins, can give them, but nobody else can. Some of those who have received this try to escape into a sock puppet. This book describes how sockpuppetry is punished by giving two examples of naughty people who made smelly sockpuppets. It is punished severely; and what happens next isn't always nice.
Part 1: A responsible adult[edit]
He was grown up, but he still made mistakes, and one of them was so bad that the admins blocked him. Then he tried to escape that block. He refused to endure the sentence like a good Uncyclopedian. This is the story of how he paid for that sin.
Chapter 1. Fear[edit]
The orange bar of doom appeared at the top of the offender’s computer screen, telling him he had new messages. That is, someone had left messages on his user talk page. He gasped in shock and fear. He felt thoroughly fucked up. Were those horrible admins after him again, kicking him while he was already down?
Were they telling him he’d been found out? What would that mean? Nomination for the Sockpuppeteer of the Month award? Or a longer block? Either of those would be bearable. Or were all his accounts blocked? Unbearable!
No! It couldn’t possibly be that. If it were they wouldn’t bother to tell him. They'd let him find out when he next tried to edit. Nothing would look different till he clicked the edit button. Then there would be that picture, the terrible one he saw every time he logged in to see if the other account was unblocked, the one that was there to crush his hopes.
He didn't like being in this block prison, with the barred window, and those extraterrestrial animals outside that looked like a cross between a sheep and a potato and could somehow walk without legs, and a blue sky as unreachable as the articles he couldn't edit.
And he knew there would be a longer block.
Chapter 2. Not quite enough courage[edit]
The offender grasped hold of all his courage with both hands. He didn't have much courage left and he needed it all. Could he bear to find out what they thought of him? He clicked through the link. What would the new message be?
Did they all hate him? Did they call him a blot on the website? Did they think he was not funny but just utterly stupid?
Were they telling him he shouldn't pretend to be someone else? Were they saying this pretence was worse than the original offence? Were they saying he hadn't learnt from the last time? Were they calling him an evil trespasser? Were they calling him something horrid? Was there any way he could stop them thinking he was horrid?
Even though he hadn't read what they said yet, he could feel them saying, "We don't want you here. If we know who you are we won't let you edit." It was hard being here after they told him to keep away. In the end he could only just bring himself to read the message.
Someone was telling him he had written something well. He could not believe it. He said to himself, "If they knew I could write well I bet those mother fucking very reasonable admins would never have blocked me."
He was pleased they liked what he’d written, but he wasn't entirely satisfied. He tried reading the article Pron. He didn't feel any better. He read Premarital wanking and he felt better. But he still felt like a trespasser, and he felt just that bit dirty.
Chapter 3. Sadness and joy[edit]
Weeks passed and turned slowly into months. He could edit with both accounts now. Relief! That terrible page would be just a bad memory. But there was still a cloud casting a rainy shadow over his joy. He felt guilty about the trespassing, and a little bit about the offence that caused the block. And what if they found out about that little bit of ban evasion? Would they give him a longer block? You bet they’d keep all that cool stuff he wrote before the ban! They'd keep enjoying his stuff, but they'd kick him out. The unfair bastards! Bah!
He hated the deceit inherent in sockpuppetry. He wasn’t naturally immoral. That block had been due to an honest noobish mistake that he didn't intend to repeat. He could have contacted the admins, explained, and begged to be released, and it would probably even have worked; but that was too humiliating. Instead he chose to find his inner sockpuppet.
But now that he had made this choice, the problem hung over him and wouldn’t go away. He kept on wanting to tell them, so he kept leaving hints, but he knew that someday he just might get caught. And then there would be the aftermath on both accounts.
Chapter 4. Aftermath[edit]
There’s something frightening, something terrifying about being blocked. It stays in your block log for ever. You think it’s over. You edit. People start to respect you. You stop worrying. You get careless. An admin sees you’ve been just that bit well we'd better not say what. The monster admin wonders if you deserve a block or not, and takes a peek into that little box on the bottom of the block form. Sees you’ve been done once already. You get a longer block. AAAAAAAAA! You will never be fully rehabilitated. Alas!
Part 2: Little kiddies[edit]
A boy under twelve and his younger sisters were mucking about with a computer. They all wanted to edit Uncyclopedia.
Chapter 1. What they wrote[edit]
The boy wrote, “There’s a boy in my class and he’s got curley hair and he smokes sigurets and my teacher sais that’s silly caus he will get canger.”
His sister wrote, “Theres a girl in my class and shes got a dolly and its got a bloo dress and it cries and wets itself and my bruther sais that’s silly.”
And the youngest sister wrote "X X X BOO!"
Chapter 2. Blocks and evasion[edit]
Sometime later those nice kids tried to edit Uncyclopedia again, but found they couldn’t. They were really cross about what the horrible sysop who blocked them wrote. There was an even older brother, who was was quite a bit over twelve and mischievous, and he was also angry about what the sysop had written and he showed them both how to evade the block.
Edits kept turning up on different articles saying the most atrocious things. The suckups who patrol the recent changes got absolutely fed up of reverting and reporting stuff like, “Theres nothink rong with my pens.” and
”I havnt got a pens.” from the one girl, and
"X X X BOOO!" from the youngest.
The admins grew tired of blocking them, but as fast as one account was blocked another appeared like a hydra. Then they tried it on a school computer – and got caught by the teacher. Then they had to explain why they were using the school computer to look at such a non-educational site.
Chapter 3. Teacher and nursie[edit]
“Why did you do it?” a teacher asked the little boy in front of her.
“Please Miss, they said my willy’s too little, Miss.”
The teacher had a look – at Uncyclopedia, not at his willy. It was true. Someone at Uncyclopedia had said his penis was too small. And they’d said the same about his sister. They couldn’t tell she was a girl on the Internet. And fortunately the youngest couldn't read what they'd said about her.
The school nurse told the boy his penis was nice the way it was and he shouldn’t listen to nasty people who say rude things over the Internet. The school nurse also told the girl she hadn’t got a penis and that was quite all right because girls don’t have penises.
Chapter 4. School Principal[edit]
Finally the school nurse told the principal and suggested they should do something about websites that say things like “Your penis is too small.” to children. So they did, and since then Uncyclopedia admins have used different block reasons.
See also[edit]
- UnBooks:An Uncyc Ban Diary – This miscreant deserved a block but couldn’t see it.
- Hardwick Fundlebuggy's Prison Journal – This sad lonely clown was cut off from his contacts in Uncyclopedia over a misdemeanour and later reformed.
- HowTo:Become a sysop in 2008 or later