Laundry basket
“A man without clothes is a man without limits...but a man without clothes is utterly useless to society.”
“I pity the foo' who doesn't use one!”
“Good grief...”
,hluilil; hiiii this cite sucks
The laundry basket is a complex measuring device, used to determine when washing one's clothes has become necessary. Invented by Katherine Forbes in about 1987, the laundry basket has become an uncommonly common household item. It is also known to be an object of worship to some South-Indian tribal communities and teenagers in the greater north Phoenix/Scottsdale area.
History[edit]
The thought of the laundry basket was first conceived by moo man, a man who had been diagnosed with the earliest form of elephantitis, elephantitis testicula, at birth. After a tough day of hunting in the mountains of Ethiopia, a blood-stained moo man returned to the confines of his humble hut for a night's rest. Upon waking, mooman realized that there were no clean clothes left with which he could contain his massive, throbbing, morning erection. After 3 natives died, crushed by his enormous love-machine, negus
decided that enough was enough, and he needed some way of deciphering when and how often he should wash his clothes so that he wouldn't run into such a catastrophe ever again...on accident, that is. Mr. Launderson, realizing that his resources were precious and therefore unwilling to waste anything, fashioned the first laundry basket out of flattened, baked bits of his third leg's excess skin. This basket proved not only purposeful to the duties of measuring out the proper amount of dirty clothes for washing to commence, but made for efficient transportation of the soiled clothing, and damn good-tasting jerky. Indeed, as soon as Oscar perfected the size-to-clothes ratio, he knew that this basket, made from his own rotting flesh, would eventually become an extremely important commodity for all mankind to enjoy.
Oscar did not feel the need to market his invention, however, leaving it up to local Ethiopian, Don Knotts to familiarize the public with the complex mechanical device. Although Don was only 4 years old at the time, his unusual necromantic tendencies lead him to worship the basket of rotting skin prior to actually knowing what the hell it did. When not too much older, he then travelled to Greece with a wooden replica of Oscar's creation where it was readily accepted. For this reason, the creation of the laundry basket is popularly attributed the Greeks.
Modern Day Applications[edit]
The laundry basket can be used for many purposes around the house, listed here in no particular order:
- Storing dirty clothes
- Entrapping small mammals
- Transporting clothing to wardrobes, closets, and dresser drawers
- Converting into your own personal sanctuary
- Worshipping as a God
- Storing clean clothes
- Sliding down staircases and other steep hills
- Making sandwiches
- Hiding under to terrify your little brother in the middle of the night
- Measuring out proper amounts of laundry to be washed
- Making efficient pipe-bombs
- Wearing as an extremely large novelty hat
- Wearing it over your head and pretending to be a Dalek
- Storing soiled bedsheets
- Sliding little kids across slick floors
- Carrying soiled linen to and from laundrymats
- Hiding pet reptiles for your parents to find
- Carrying various crap from one place to another
- Pretending you're a tank or other military vehicle
Obviously, this does not cover every use that can be made of this veritably versatile instrument, but it covers a good portion of the most popular household uses.