Democracy

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Democrazy?

These chaps defend democracy. Except when they're overthrowing it

“Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3”

~ Boris Johnson on how to vote

“If the majority is right - let's eat shit. Millions of flies can not be wrong!”

~ Waldemar Łysiak on democracy

Democracy is a form of government prevalent in the Western World where majority rules and where 51 people can vote to take away things belonging to the other 49, such as money, ponies, and jet packs. That means for 49% of people in a Democracy, Democracy really, really sucks. Democracy, is like having a "Demolition" Expert who is crazy and finds it funny to make a large capitalist world. Democrazy sounds weird, lets change it Democracy! After those poor saps have lost everything, the ones who gained everything find some other divisive issue to split themselves over. The entire country then forms a totally new majority over this issue. Lots of the new minority members got rich from being in the previous majority, so the process repeats itself.

Americans have the most perverse version of democracy ever to grace the Earth. In certain political circles it is commonly used as a code word to mean a brutal dictatorship, as in Democratic People's Republic of North Korea. In these situations the amount of democracy declines in inverse proportion to the number of pre-modifiers to the word democracy.

Origins of Democracy

Democracy began in Ancient Athens during the 5th century BC. Athens was a slave society, so most Athenians had plenty of spare time on their hands. At that time, 80% of Athens' population was made up of philosophers, inventors and people that tell ridiculous stories about animals to try and convey complex life messages in one short sentence. To give themselves something to do, all citizens could discuss and vote on issues affecting the polis, or city state. From this word we draw our English words politics, the affairs of state, politicians, those who practice the affairs of state, and police, those who punish those who practice the affairs of state when it becomes known what those who practice the affairs of state have been doing.

The Ancient Athenian system worked until it was overthrown by the Athenians' main rival, the Spartans. The Spartans were fierce warriors, whose terrible battle practices including shouting "THIS IS NOUN!" at their enemies, long after it ceased to be funny. The Athenians were unable to respond to a crisis quickly due to the fact that their system of government was largely based around blaming one another for their problems.

The fall of the Athenian democracy at the hands of the Spartans

In 13th century England, the nobles decided that King John wasn't really the right sort of chap and set about removing him. They forced the king to create a forum where they could meet to discuss issues, play poker and oggle wenches. They agreed that the people should choose who their representatives would be by election. The nobles promptly returned to their lands where they threatened to chop the feet off of anyone who voted against them. This would become a recurring feature of democracies around the world

Theory of Democracy

Democracy is intended to grant all men a stake in their country, as they can help chart its course through the unmapped waters of politics. Unfortunately, since the demographic transition from bald, bearded men who wear togas to scumbag chav bastards, the system has left much to be desired as tabloid reading imbeciles have as much say in the running of the country as Nobel Prize-winning scientists. Democratic countries have developed counter-measures to protect themselves from the retardation by various methods. First came efforts to stop the wrong sort from voting, the wrong sort being anyone who was mad, poor, black, homeless or a woman. After this caused too much anger amongst militant students, governments then set about making the people not want to vote, discouraging voter turnout to the point that more people vote on a reality television programme wherein z-list celebrities are forced to eat maggots in a jungle by two northern homunculi. This has been a resounding success, as people complain when they are withheld from doing something, but if they're to lazy to do something they tend not to form movements to end laziness, as that would require them to get up off their fat arses, stop watching Jeremy Kyle and actually do something that doesn't involve ramming pie down their throats.

Voting in a Democracy

The essence of democracy at its purest is a lynch mob. This is where in a group of 100 townspeople, 99 have voted "Hang the (witch, negra, liberal)" and one (usually some witch, negra or liberal) vote "stab them instead!" Voting having properly taken place, they are no longer a lynch mob, but citizens in a free and democratic nation. That is only voting at the local level, though. Good for hanging undesirables and passing zoning laws to crush your potential competitors.

At the state or province level, you have the opportunity to vote on creating or repealing laws. And since your vote makes up 1/10 millionth of the state's population, you may be sure they care about you.

At the federal level, you get to vote for senators and representatives. Two types of people so notorious for ignoring you that most Americans wisely do not even commit their names to memory. You also get to elect the President. Well, not actually. You get a kind of 1/300 millionth advisory say in who you think you could stomach, out of only two or three choices they give you, then some other group of people called the electoral college decide for you. Sometimes this is reviewed by the Supreme Court who can overrule the electoral college.