Tickets

Tickets act as mini portals, allowing one to be magically transported or permitted entry to almost Everywhere in the world. (Provided, of course, one has the Right one: Left tickets are almost always unusable.) The chameleonic nature of tickets means that they can effectively camouflage themselves in almost any surrounding, simply by changing colour, size, price or material at will.

History of Tickets

Tickets were invented in 1964 by The Beatles in their number one hit song, Can't Buy Me a Ticket to Strawberry Fields With Diamonds. Written by one of the band, the song speaks of a Day in The Life of a man who has lost his bus-pass, referred to in the song as his "ticket".

Ticket Development

NASA realised the potential of tickets early on, and began to develop ticket prototypes immediately after the aforementioned song hit Number One in the Hit Parade. The Russians claimed to already have the technology to build and launch tickets by the billion and offered NASA a race. The race was eventually won by Yuri Gagarin and Neil "Stretch" Armstrong, who crossed the line in just under 1970. Tickets arrived across the world in their trillions from that point on, a fact marked yearly on "Ticker-Tapes' Eve", (December 31) when people worldwide burn effigies of Yoko Ono in recognition of her 'unique' contribution to the Beatles.

What happens to the man in the song?

What song?

The Beatles song? The one about the guy's ticket?

Oh, right. The man realises he has lost his pass ("Ticket"), and instead offers a bus conductor a 9 carat Gold bling diamond in exchange for the trip to Strawberry Fields football ground. The evil conductor refuses to take the diamond as payment, and keeps insisting that the appropriate pass be shown. No amount of bribery or sobbing will make the jobsworth twat relent: "Diamond or No fuckin' Diamond!", in the words of the song.

What happens then?

After walking to the Strawberry Fields stadium, the song's hero also gets refused access to the football match. He is denied entry ("Ginnel") on the grounds that he has "no ticket to ride" on the popular 'Terraces' roller-coaster-of-emotion. He looks for his bus-pass, to prove he too is a "Dirty Skag-Lover from Liverpool", and thus allowed entry without a ticket, but of course cannot find it. "All your base are belong to us," the crowd chants, in the chorus. "All your base are belong to us!

And then...?

The ditty concludes with our hero receiving a fucking good kicking off some scouse lads, leaving him vowing to Neh-ver Waaahhlk Alone Across the Mersey again without his 'Ticket'.

Ben Dover and Ticket Like A Man?

Album art from Ben Dover and Ticket Like A Man's debut LP, Ikea Rear-end Man-love Band Kitt. The album's name is thought by experts to be an anagram of Ben Dover and Ticket Like A Man, but it actually seems more likely to be an anagram of Mad Neil Rank OK, Dave? Bitten Ear?!, doesn't it?

It is thought, ironically, that the song was written about a real event, which allegedly happened to fellow musician Ben Dover in 1999. Ben had INDEED lost his bus-pass after a night gigging with his band, Ticket Like A Man, and WAS kicked shitless by a crowd of filthy Scousers. He insists that the diamond was not real, however: "diamond" is, in fact, street slang for a big fuck-off ball of cocaine!

Tickets = Drugs?

Whether coining a new phrase for a bus-pass or hiding drug-references in backward music, The Beatles are accused of be-druggedness in everything they do. Twats with nothing better to do invented lots of stupid rumours about the song in 1965, and ironically still remain ignorant of the allegedly true connection to drugs featured in the song! The word "ticket" is still thought by some cuntish conspiracy-theorists to refer to a hit of deadly "dope", but since The Beatles didn't invent Dope until 1967, it seems highly unlikely that this is the case.

Ticket Evolution

Tickets were widely accepted by the general pubic as a brilliant invention by the 70's, and this acceptance spread even more widely in the 1980's. Further widespread acceptance of tickets through the 1990's began to affect markets across the world, finally leading to an unprecedented demand for tickets in 1997. The demanders were simply much higher than the suppliers had ever envisaged, with demand outstripping supply by over a trillion per cent by July 1997. This led to a huge boom in dangerous "Homegrown" (black-market) ticketeering and an eventual global ticket-market crash, which could be heard from as far away as Space. The crash wiped every price off every label on everything in the world, therefore devaluing it all and causing massive delays at checkouts across Nottingham, England.

So-Called Ticketwar is Declared

Owing to their so-called potential for abuse, Tickets were declared a "clear and present danger to the Freedom™ of the US to do whatever the feck it likes" in 1998. This led to around 500 million tickets (mainly Black ones, or those bought from so-called Black markets) being killed in the West during the initial so-called "Ticketting crack-down raids of 1999". The total number of tickets killed or mutilated before redemption rose by almost a million a day at the peak of the so-called Ticketwar, causing chaos at doors across the world. This so-called "War on Tickets" led to a whole new wave of so-called electronic tickets (known as "E's"), being developed by so-called scientists in the famous Laboratories area of England's so-called "North-West".

E-Tickets or Es

Ooh! That's the ticket!:A young Ringo Starr celebrates his first E with a spot of bumlove.

Highly addictive when licked, E-tickets were very, very popular in the early 1990's, and soon went underground, hidden somewhere in that interweb thingy that gives your kids paedophiles.

After "Dropping" an E- ticket, a male will shout "Ticket Bitch!" to attract the attention of a "Ticket-girl". As she approaches, he will then shout "Ticket t'up the Fuckin'arsse!" repeatedly, informing the girl that his ticket allows Access to All Areas. (He will then give her a right good one up the shitter as proof.)

The man knows his ticket has passed inspection when the Ticket-girl sobs "Ticket Tout! Ticket Tout Ticket OUT! Ticket Out, Ticket Tout!" inconsolably; thus indicating she would like the man's turgid organ to be thrust into her bowels a little deeper, if-you-please!

Still used in Some-Places, E-tickets hardly ever print right and usually are not accepted anywhere, whether 'at the Door', 'Through to backstage' or 'by the conductor'.

Ticket Touts

Modern ticket touts converge on large events about to take place, and give tickets away to people who have lost their own. Rarely, if ever, charging, these friendly folk exist purely on the love shown to them by forgetful ticket recipients and the organisers of the event.

The name "Ticket tout" is thought to have derived from the mis-hearing of some English Yokels who no-one can understand. The old Yorkshire term, thought to be either "Take it out" or (You'll need this...) "...to get out", was used when giving children exeats (tickets) to leave class in Yorkshire's school. As the teacher issuing the passes gave each child his exeat, he would repeat the phrase endlessly, giving rise to the name.

Ticket Music

Since their inception, tickets have been strongly connected to music. Many thousands of songs have been written about tickets, with many more songs paying homage to tickets subliminally. Examples of successful ticket-related tracks include:

• The Eagles: (and Aerosmith): (and Jackson Browne):- "Ticket Easy". (And Mika. And A.C.T.) (And The Fugees.)
• The Eagles - "Ticket to the Limit"
• Trick Daddy - "Ticket to the House"
• Tim McGraw; The Used; Seether; Avril Lavigne; Kiss; Ed Bruce; Stanley Climbfall; 28 Days; Lindsay Lohan - "Ticket Away"
• Conrad Twitty - "Don't Ticket Away"
• Paul McCartney - Ticket Away; (Again)
• The Beatles (Feat Monkeyspanker Paul McCartney -"Everybody's got something to hide 'cept for me and my monkey" ("Ticket eeeeaasyyy; Ticket eeeeaasssyy!")
• The Strokes; The Rolling Stones; Jet; Eminem; Akos; The Runaways; Madness; Eric Carmen - "Ticket or Leave it".

Ticket Facts! Ticket Facts! Ticket Facts!

• Tickets are much more likely to be lost than found. An amazing 90% more tickets are lost than found in Manchester, Spain, each day.
• Tickets are also statistically more likely to be "left" than "right".
• Tickets come in a variety of colours. The female ticket usually appears more yellowy-green during its mating season, whereas the male can be easily discerned at this time by his little ticket hard-on.
• Tickets also appear in a variety of shades. Fashion-conscious and sensible, the ticket will normally prefer a nice pair of Gucci's or some black Ray-Ban aviators to cheap crap.
• A large number of people collect Tickets for a hobby. Known as "Ticket-collectors", these people delight especially in the redeemable counterfoil bit of each one.
• Tickets can usually be heard most clearly at dawn and dusk, chirrupping merrily away by rubbing their hind legs together. (No, wait, that's Crickets, isn't it?)
• "Ticket" is a sport created by Freddy Flintoffstone and his brother, Andrew, in the summer of '69. (Although that one might actually be Cricket, too, now I come to think about it.)
• Ticket Stubbs was a bass player in classic rhythm and blues band, "Stubbs Toe".
• "Ticket" is what some boxes require you to do on forms.
• Tickets is a disease caused by a lack of Vitamin D...no, no, it's not. That's Adam Rickett off of Coronation Street, isn't it? Rickets, I mean. Mmm.