Nottingham

Informative signpost

“A strong smell of rotting ham, can be found in Nottingham”

~ Miss Piggy on Nottingham

“It is everything I had ever hoped for”

~ Anatoly Kalashnikov

Nottingham, generally pronounced Nottigub by its beetle-browed inhabitants, is also known as Nottingun, Shottingham and Shootingham; the differences in spelling being due to the necessary translation of the name into English. A small and picturesque village, Nottingham can be found in The People's Republic of the East Midlands, which can be located on the outskirts of London, Newcastle Upon Tyne, Manchester and Glasgow, if you believe the bollocks the City Council spout in their hyped-up, over-the-top advertising. (If you're in a hurry, Nottingham can also be found on the village map, available at the local village green Post Orifice, most Tuesdays from 10.00am.) Nottingham has also been twinned with Baghdad since November 2003 and shows similarities in its values and culture. In fact many people have mistaken it for the Iraq capital, most notably George Bush who deployed 3000 U.S Marines to the city in Spring 2004.

Geography

Nestled languidly in a former colliery just north of South, the charming high-class resort plays host to some of the most dramatic scenery to be found anywhere south of North. Unfortunately for Nottingham, it is considered too northern by southerners to warrant any interest; but also way, way, too far down south for the Northerners to worry their heads about.

Similarly, neither East nor West seem too bothered about claiming Nottingham for their own, leaving it in a place that doesn't actually exist at all.

Nottingham is so remote from North, South, East and West that it doesn't even get a mention on it's local weather forecast, never mind the national one. (And it fucking never gets a mention on the national weather, trust me.)

Government Policy for Nottingham

As a result of its unlikely placement in the middle of the country, funding wasn't allocated at all for Nottingham until 2005.Upon receiving the first batch of the long-awaited money from the treasury, the city's councillors rushed straight out and squandered £10 TRILLION of tax-payers' money on some new paving slabs. These slabs were obviously placed directly outside the village's Council House, (obviously, duh,) ironically leaving those inhabiting council housing to die like the scum that the council says they were/are. (No, they really did, dude. Seriously.)

Recent 'improvements'

More recent changes of local government policy have had a dramatic effect on the city's population. Generations of deprivation, poor educational achievement, low expectations, poor healthcare, gun crime, poverty, injustice, decades of underfunding, urban decay, social eugenics, bad planning and sheer bloody stupidity within the City's Council of Warlocks have all been righted throughout Nottinghamshite, with the introduction of PR men to ensure any bad publicity is removed or challenged post haste! Costing almost half a million pounds PA, these public propaganda machines are still cheaper than actually fixing the problems faced by Europe's biggest Utopia, receiving a pittance when compared to the 'expenses' of certain local councillors. (OMG, that bit's all true as well, isn't it? Thought so. You couldn't make it up.)

The robbing of the rich to give to the councillors

Within the core of Nottingham's world-famous row-of-paving-slabs exists a low mass Black Hole, into which the money of the city's taxpayers constantly streams, utilising the rails of the costly Tramp-line as conduits through which the money effectively feeds the black hole. This produces some other serious and undesirable effects within the locality, which are detailed in part below. (Certain details are just too chilling to be printed in a family publication.)

Robin Hood

Robin Hood a.k.a. Errol Flynn, Kevin Costner and Russell Crowe (sometimes spelled Robbin' Hoody in earlier texts) was in his time a world champion Pork Pie eater and is a fabled former resident of the quaint Nottingham suburb of Bulwell, where many of the most wonderful Nottingham citizens reside or have previously existed. (This incarnation of Robin Hood is unfortunately as fictional as the other 'wonderful Nottingham residents' mentioned in the last sentence.)

The REAL Robin Hood

The Real Robin Hood was born to parents of opposite sexes in Wakefield, Yorkshire, where they all lived happily for many years before Robin was born in Ashby-De-La Zouch, Leicestershire. Named after the Public House his parents ran in Rotherham, Robin was born on the pool table, shooting out of his mother so fast he split a pool cue apart along its length.

As he grew older, he got in with the 'wrong crowd', grew his hair all long and moved into a tree with a load of gay 'merry' men. This group consisted of Maid Marion, Little John, Friar Tuck, Ken Livingstone and Harry Redknapp. He never once went to Nottingham, as they had invented guns there. He wasn't daft!

Robin was, however, a simple street mugger, and he always kept the booty to himself, often muttering the phrase, "fuck the proles, it's all mine". Unfortunately, he was one of the proles himself, and generally speaking robbed his own, which is widely acknowledged as being similar to pissing on your own foot. Robin Hood's fame is likely thanks to his descendants, the people of Nottingham, who to this day continue his ground-breaking work in the field of Armed Robbery.

Gun Culture

Nottingham is world famous for its enduring association with guns. The city has won the prestigious "Golden Bodybag" award no fewer than twelve times, a record that keeps it in the forefront of high velocity fragments of heated lead piercing flesh and vital organs innovation. Despite strong competition from younger cities such as Los Angeles, Basra and Lashkar Gah Nottingham has retained its position as "City where one is most likely to have their body riddled with bullets for no meaningful reason." Such is the history and culture of the city rooted in anarchic, quasi-feudal armed territorial criminal disputes, it is now the custom for travellers to Nottingham to be welcomed by the cheerful local populace with ceremonial drive by shooting displays. It is considered quite an honour in Nottingham for one to have their face blown off by a resident of Sneinton or St. Anns. The foreign tourists are often most impressed by this display of firepower

Pastimes

• The people of Nottingham often role-play Grand Theft Auto out on the street.
• Over consumption of high alcoholic drinks; also known as "Getting Wasted"
• Watching TV is the benchmark for education in this area.

The Nottingham Black Hole

The Nottingham Black Hole makes its presence felt mostly on Thursday, Friday and Saturday evenings, where its powerful gravitational forces suck in large numbers of ape like humans, intent of getting very drunk whilst dressing in entirely inappropriate clothing (especially the Obese Pineapple Heads) whilst listening to Gangster Music. On these special evenings, the local Public Houses and Nightclubs become engorged, completely filling up with such creatures from the surrounding areas.

The Nottingham Evening Post

Winner of the most pointless local UK newspaper award three years running (and believe you me it was up against some pretty stiff opposition); the NEP runs a daily competition inviting readers to try and find an interesting news item amongst pages and pages of adverts displaying discount sofa stores, large photographs of BMW cars and pictures of the Lord Mayor grinning inanely while being presented with an oversized cheque by some pensioner/toddler/disabled group.

The Notts Anthem

Nottingham has recently become the first small-blackhole-centred township to have its own anthem. Recorded by Nottingham's most friendly and well shaven chavs, The Game Cartel, who just so happen to be a bunch of cunts. Roughly the Notts Anthem Goes:

“The city of Notts, Notts, Notts. The city of Glocks, Glocks, Glocks. Every night i hear Gun shots, shots, shots,; But that's what it's like when you're living in Notts.”

~ Game Cartel on Nottingham

Also included in this recording are references to bandanas, waists, mice, bowls of rice (Apparently he eats them on sundays twice, because he's crazy.) and head lice. This song is considered by many to be to be the most accurate description of Nottingham ever committed to song because, as one fine citizen once said:"In all those damn musicals Robin Hood is either American, French, a fox, or any combination of the three."

Other Nottingham songs

Oh, Nottingham!

One of the most famous pieces of music in the world, "Oh, Nottingham!" was composed and perfected over a number of years by a plethora of top musicians and vocalists in the Famous 'City Ground' football Stadium.

The song's timeless lyrics are usually screamed obscenely at random passers-by, particularly along the banks of the River Trent and in the Derby-facing areas of the city. (In Nottingham, to have a Derby face means to look generally disgusted; as if one had just discovered a dollop of dogshit on one's upper lip and recoiled away from it in horror. Older owners of a "Derby face" look like someone has grabbed both lips and their nose and tugged and squeezed as hard as possible. For about 45 years. A Derby-facing area is one that originally had little planning but now has all the facilities one might expect, albeit in the wrong places.)

Wok Dahn Pit

There is also a more modern song which reflects the current doom and gloom of the city of Snot:

 We all used to work down the pit
 But now we can't afford our rent
 So let's shut down the lump of shit
 That sits beside the River Trent

It's not altogether clear which particular "lump of shit" is being referred to in the song, but it's clear to anyone with eyes that it's Meadow Lane Football Shed Mudbath Ditch Box stadium ground.

Reflecting the terrible gun crime in the city is a big fuck-off mirror, which the stupid fuckers who pay council tax stumped up £1 million for in the name of 'art'.

Untitled, by Anon Ymous

To the tune of "When the Saint come marching in".(sic)

 Oh Nottingham 
 Is full of guns
 Oh Nottingham is full of guns
 Its full of gangs, bullets and bodies
 Oh Nottingham is full of guns.

Untitled and Randy, by Anon Ymous

To the tune of "When the Saint come marching in".(sic)

 Oh Nottingham 
 Is full of fun
 Oh Nottingham is full of fun
 Its full of tits, fanny and forest
 Oh Nottingham is full of fun.

People/Places

• Watch out for the notable town centre troubador "Wycliff" who offers to sing you a song for money. Rumour has it he went out with Danni Minogue and got far too much crack off her. He clearly has smoked too much crack but has a lovely voice. Ask him to sing you a song about crack and Danni, its one of his best.
• Another familiar face in Nottingham, is Ozzy the tramp with the Australian accent. A well travelled gentleman, he is always asking for money to fund a fictional train ride to London, his National Express coach trip to Luton Airport, or his flight to Ukraine. Usually found loitering around the taxi rank at Nottingham station on sunday mornings trying to get rich off travelling punters who don't speak much English.
• Look out for the amusing 'Screaming Old Black Man' who likes to unpredictably stop, scream and stamp his feet.
• Look out for the insane ex-American boxer who likes to stand near bus stops and shout abuse at fellow black citizens who apparently aren't 'real niggars'

• Look out for an old Rastafarian man with a very large sombrero (2ft diameter) who likes walk very slowing through the streets of Nottingham whilst maintaining his swagger with a large white boom box strapped to a luggage trolley. This device normally plays very palpable reggea music, its fascinating to find this old man dancing by himself at bus stops, making old ladies and scabby doll diggers compute mental errors.

• Edwalton - Originally a safe haven, unattached to Nottingham for people with a 12 figure bank account, but so they could still easily drive to John Lewis in Nottingham for fine china and celery juicers every Sunday. Since the 1800s however, due to Urban Sprawl, Nottingham has effectively swallowed the village and it is predicted that by 2030, the area will resemble something similar to Radford after the current generation of half-pint bitter drinking queen licking pansies has died out. Currently, the area is still nice, boasting many massive houses with double or even triple garages for selfish capitalists. Rumour has it that some of these garages contain illegal Chinese immigrant workers making IKEA furniture for the residents within.

• Gamston - World renowned as being remembered for the location of Nottingham's only major Safeway store before Morrisons took over the firm (kids, if you don't remember Safeway... you've not missed much). Similar to Edwalton in terms of residents and predicted outcome in a couple of decades time. Also known to non-residents as the slums.

• Arnold - Truly epitomizes all that you can expect of Nottingham. Boasts 13 kebab shops, and a wind swept 1970s concrete shopping precinct inhabited during the day by sullen pensioners who want to bring back the birch/hanging/national service and populated at night by acne ravaged teenagers popping wheelies on tiny BMX bicycles like some sort of juvenile delinquent flea circus. The town also proudly holds the current title of most burgled postcode 2009.
• Calverton - AKA calvo run by about half of the village chavs that are well'ARD. mainly "hanging" around the "square" around sainsburys or "top shops" and they do come out singley they appear at the same times every day like brain washed rats. Pretty much a country side village which people think is great if you like the smell of shit from the feilds or the geordy club not sure whats worse. Best thing to come out of arnold Calverton road. great bus service that turn up every 15 mins but not the same times as the time table or you dont get one for a hour and get four buses in one go. Lots of alleys that have all been nick named "dog shit alley". Once a place where every one knew everybody and now no-one knows anyone but makes out they do.tell no one FUCK all because and hour later everyone will know your buisness. oh and has a few inhabitant of ROBBIN bastards! definatley a place everyone wants to live in.
• Daybrook - A bit like Cinderhill, really, only with more boarded-up shops.
• Rise Park - Not really a park, more of a shitty estate with a closed down Kwik Save, a carpet shop and lots of those stupid plastic "fake children" near schools designed to slow drivers down. Whereas actually, they just either get smashed or have dicks drawn on their foreheads.
• Top Valley - contains a huge Tesco which is where 85.8658% of the local residents live. This massive upsurge in population at Tesco came about after the introduction of 24 hour opening. More than 67,000,000 sacks of Birds Eye Chicken Dippers were bought from Tesco last year, placing this particular branch proudly at the top of Tesco's "commoner of the month" award category.
• Bestwood Park - look, just stop. Turn around and go back the way you came, alright? Unless of course you're Colin Gunn's nephew/niece/auntie/uncle/father/mother/brother/sister/grandparent/great grandparent which most of the residents here claim to be. But then again they are all the same person as everyone there is an inbred who moved from Mansfield circa 1675AD during the Great War of Nothingness.
• Basford - don't stop at any traffic lights, even if they are red, as someone will have nicked your tyres and put your car on bricks within seconds.
• Highbury Vale - a happy medium shit tip for people who can't decide if they live in Basford or Bulwell. Here was a famous battle in 1066 now known as "The battle of Highbury" where residents from close-by Basford and Bulwell ran towards each other with AK-47s and silenced pistols (bought from Dave's flat on David Lane), and decided to open fire in a bid to save this land for their mongified children. However, when they realised a lot of their close family was on the other side to them, they decided to lay down their arms and mate with each other. This terrible increase of chavs is now known as "The Basford Baby Boom".
• Burton Joyce - Posh part of Nottingham. Well, when I say posh I meant it doesn't have nearly the same amount of dog turds on the pavement as other parts of Nottingham. Has a Co-Op so naturally attracts old piss-stained grannies and white cider drinking wasters to the car park.
• Southwell - a small village with a large minster. Contains lots of pretenuious professionals that commute into the city on weekdays, leaving there wife's to have affairs with young bar tenders, spend all their income within Southwell's over priced boutiques and organising baby showers.

Common smells include: weed, fresh ale, virgin finger-bashing and adultery.

• Netherfield - Common smells include: Cannabis smoke, dirt and fires (probably because someone has set fire to YOU). Common sites include some assorted rif-raf outside the Co-op, smashed vodka bottles on the railway station, riot vans and un-roadworthy cars. It is always a good idea to wear a hoody and look 'hard' to prevent assault.
• Colwick - Nothing happens here. Ever. It is unknown exactly where this place is, as it is so quiet that it's rumoured nobody actually lives there any more apart from the asians in the corner shop on Vale Road who will overcharge you for confectionery. Originally home to the "Colwick Ghetto Crew" (or "Colwick Gangsta Crew" depending on if the moon was waxing or not on a given night), they were soon dampened by cries of laughter and humiliation from proper gangs in other vicinities such as Bulwell and Top Valley. Not some kid's playgroup who hung about on Chaworth Road smoking superkings and eating King Size Twix bars.
• Strelley (aka "Strelleeeehhhhhhhhhh") - Contains a large, very run-down Co Op. (Anyone noticed a trend developing here?) Attempts to refurbish the old branch have repeatedly failed over the past 90 years or so, and since no Co Op workers (or indeed, any genuine 'workers' at all) are actually brave enough to enter the area, it looks like it's going to remain a total, total, total kakpipe for a long time to come. However, Strelleeeehhhhhhh recently benefited from lots of brand new buses on service 77, fitted with "leather effect" seating intended to make Strelley seeem more luxureeeehhhh-us than it really is. Unfortunately, this didn't quite work, and instead, the local residents were amazed by the vinyl seats and stole all of them as they were better than their current furniture at home. Therefore, Nottingham City Transport are currently considering removing all seats from buses that venture to Strelley, and replacing them with giant bottles of white cider, as these are cheaper to replace when stolen.
• Cinderhill - Not even having a tram stop has made anyone have any idea where this place is, creating much confusion amongst the locals. Disingenuously used in postal addresses by residents of Bulwell who don't want other people to know that they live in Bulwell.
• Hockley - Problems include, being assaulted by Emos, Goths and drug addicts.
• The Meadows - a seemingly dull place close to the centre of Nottingham and the train station. This location provides supply of drugs to any age able to string a sentence. The habitants enjoy fighting between parked cars, shouting death threats and it,seems that its socially acceptable to produce cosmetic damage to cars. The bus stop which sits on the main entrance into the meadows generally harbours a fine selection of local Inbreds who appear to have spent most of their day staring at people who drive cars.
• Aspley - Be prepared to get lost in the mass maze of circular streets if you don't know exactly where you are going...
• Compton Acres - Contains a shopping centre that's best avoided in hours of darkness...
• West Bridgford - Has an ASDA super-dupa-wow-fabfabfab-hypercentre or whatever they call it. It can fit the entire population of West Bridgford in to it 19 times it is so big. Nobody is quite sure where West Bridgford starts or ends.
• Radford - Statiscally, you have a greater chance of meeting an unnatural death here by standing outside the KFC than anywhere else in the country.
• St. Ann's - Problems include, being shot, being bricked, being assaulted and, most likely, being shot again.
• Mapperley Top - Otherwise known as MT (MT Crew / MT's / The M to the T.....etc) Best avoided at all costs, unless you live there/want to visit a frequent haunt of Jackass/are Jackass. This is the highest place between there and the Alps. It is also, confusingly, partly in Nottingham and partly outside of it. Be warned that Jackass do not often venture into the Nottingham part, primarily because it is not the location of the Plains Fish Bar or the Blue Bell.
• Ruddington- Probably one of the quietest villages in Greater Nottingham... until some twatty 9 year old starts pissing about on a BMX because they have nothing else better to do.
• Carlton Square - Has a Bargain Booze who ignore all prejudices (mainly age).
• Nottingham City Centre (By night) - Problems include, getting drunk, having someone a nice helping of Rohypnol into your beverage, being shot, being mugged, being chased by people, being arrested for nothing (see **), being raped and, most likely, being shot. Another common problem faced by people (and tourists alike) when out on the town in Nottingham is the famous "I'm not druggie!"-man, this fellow is old crumbie tramp who proclaims that he is in fact NOT a drug addict, and he proves this by lifting his sleeves 4 inches up for half of a second. He demands money and tries to flog you a "Bigger Shoe" while he's at it....."When in Rome do as the Romans do..." hit 'im in the face.
• Clifton - The largest council estate in Europe, Clifton has now been perfected after initial teething troubles led to mass murders. It now has signs up near the shops proclaiming how great it is to be a Nottinghamian, which obviously eradicated all previous problems outright. Just don't fucking go there, or the K.K.K will have your wheel trims, right?
• Bramcote - The place with about 3 schools, 2 shops and 5 houses.
• Beeston - Populated mainly by elderly people, contains several funeral directors (obviously) and dozens upon dozens of shops that only sell greetings cards.
• Thorneywood - Famed for having a lampost where some bored street urchin has scrawled FUCK OFF in large vertical letters on it. Eight feet heigh. Awe inspiring.
• Lenton - Home to seemingly thousands of grey, graffiti daubed industrial units and people who enjoy beating their dogs in public parks.
• Bulwell - The only town in Britain where it is mandatory to wear a baseball cap, have learning difficulties, speak fluent Jafaican, possess a criminal record, be in permanent receipt of Social Security benefits, own a staffordshire bull terrier and impregnate as many 14 year old school girl truants as possible. Bulwell offers the visitor a rich and varied cultural experience - that is if you have a chronic addiction to gambling (there are roughly 200 Coral bookmakers per square inch) or a penchant for polyester leisure wear. Architectural and retail splendours include the DSS office, bus station, Big Foot, Pound Stretcher and a bizarre steel sculpture of a bull which dogs appear to like urinating on. Note also the drive-thru KFC with bullet proof glass and the quaint Scots Greys pub, now sadly closed, but once boasting a full-size boxing ring in the upstairs room for the locals to "sort" out their differences. Graham Allen, the local MP, who was elected about 200 years ago but never sets foot anywhere near the place proudly calls it "his patch". Graham, you are fucking welcome to it.
• Bilborough - Has a shopping street that is an artist's impression of Paris after a nuclear blast. It holds such delights as Herron Foods, Greggs, a Lloyds TSB to cash your pennies and your dole, and a Co-Op for nicking shit.
• Wollaton - Often misspelled Woolaton by stupid folk from other towns and cities, and sometimes by its own citizens who don't know their own place name. A surprisingly ambient part of Nottingham.
• Crown Island - To go the incredibly short distance from Ilkeston Road to the Ring Road takes about 4-5 weeks because of the layout of this stupid roundabout.
• The Wolds - An estate which has sunk at one end about 100ft, so it now fans out on about 3 massive hills.

Notable Cuisine and restaurants

• McDonalds - Open 24/7 in the City, and usually 7x as busy at 3am as they are at lunchtime. They proudly display a notice informing patrons the "retro coke glass" offer is not given at night out of fear you'll throw it at a taxi driver shortly after.
• Subway - There are 45 Subways for every resident in Nottingham, with varying degrees of intelligence by staff within, ranging between "severely retarded" and "moderately retarded". Guaranteed to not know what exotic items such as tuna or salad are.
• Jacket Potato vans - Quite popular with working folk of Nottingham for a quick lunch, the only place that doesn't charge extra if you want lots of fillings... it's amazing.
• Carrington Street Fish Bar - Takes between 36 and 48 hours for them to serve you a chip cob and a pineapple fritter.
• Wolds Fish Bar - known as being "pennnnggg" by a small group who worship the place, but their chips suck dick like a lot of chip shops.
• The Honeypot (West End Arcade) - If you are seen here by anyone you remotely know, you might as well commit suicide with embarrassment. Sticky floors mingle with squeaky chairs and fossilised pensioners and Eccles cakes.
• French Living - The least French place in the world. Even the Moulin Rouge chippy up the road is more French.
• Le Petit Four - Serves alarmingly cheap baguettes, usually with flies on them.
• Maryland Chicken - Winner of the 2011 Dog Frying Restaurant of the year. 99% of patrons are of black background and try to look like Baltimore Gangsters stood outside, but they have a Henry Mellish school uniform on and an HB pencil rather than some gangsta threads and a machete like a true American hard-nut.
• Victoria Market food area - Has that awesome shop that sells mushy peas in cups.

** - Being arrested for 'nothing at all' is common in Nottingham, since its inception as the United Kingdom's first Police-State-City. Although most Nottinghamians proclaim that "They dint do it!"/"I dint shoot no fucker!"/"I 'a'nt even done nowt'!"/" as they're carried into a riot van to be arrested and kicked shitless, no-one from outside of Notts can understand a fucking word the illiterate morons utter.

Figures do show a drop in arrests for offences such as "fuck all", "Nothing" and "Any and All Other Criminal Acts", but at least the paving slabs you die on will be new.

Nottingham Riots 2011

Throughout the riots of England in August 2011, Nottingham's mongified "gangsters" and chavs decided they were just too cool to stay tucked up in bed and decided to make a mess of their own city. Makes sense... Many police stations including Canning Circus were fire-bombed, but fear not. Nick Clegg arrived days later with his campaigning director, Barry Chuckle, to show his upmost support to the residents nearby, saying in his statement "when I arrived in Nottingham in my Mercedes-Benz supplied by the taxpayers that I love, I thought... well, where's the damage? Looks like Nottingham on any day right? But then I learned that at least £12 of damage was caused to the front of the police station, I was outraged. So I did the decent thing, went there, told them "you're all doing very well. And you're fired in the cuts by the way, you deserve a long holiday", then went to Sports Direct to loot a new pair of piff shoes for my appearance in the commons tomorrow and fucked off as fast as I could."

Damage reported during the rioting:

• 11 year old girl threw a McChicken nugget at a riot officer, causing minor grease damage to his shield. Girl was ordered to receive 10 blows to the head from some chicken nuggets.
• 14 year old boy seen pissing on top of a police car, causing a cleaning bill of £4.50 for some Turtle Wax and a sponge for Halfords. The boy was ordered to pay this, plus 12 years in prison for calling the arresting officer of the Lor "a fat wanking pig", which, ironically, he was.
• A pair of new Nike trainers were stolen from JD sports. The offender told the press "I spent ma dole money all on fags like, I need this shit bro"
• 38,000 cans of Special Brew went missing from a local Tesco. A spokeswoman said "it's obviously people from St Anns taking this stuff, I mean, even the champagne was untouched"
• Over 3000 people were made homeless. Studies are still ongoing to see if this was actually a consequence of rioting or if this is just a conspiracy from Nottingham City Council, keen to slash spending.
• Broadmarsh Centre was left untouched. Surprise? No...