Drive by shooting
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The types of Drive-By[edit]
Drive-byes come in many different varieties. There is the Water Ballooning type, which is quite self-explanatory. There is also the pieing type, in which the subject is pied, and the fruiting type, made famous by Mrs. Doubtfire. Then there is the more well-known drive-by shooting. However, the type that is commonly regarded as most deadly is the drive-by uraniumizing, in which the target is subject to lethal radioactive poisoning, as are the drivers. Therefore, it is also one of the only suicidal drive-byes. Jesus H. Christ is widely regarded as the only person to ever survive a drive-by uraniumizing.
Instructions[edit]
The drive by may seem frustrating to accomplish at first, it can be easily done and repeated. Many have tried and failed, but also many have mastered the grand art of drive-bys. Here are some instructions for beginners.
1. Get an item to use as drive-by material.
2. Get a bite to eat.
3. Get in the car.
4. Pick a victim and/or house (preferably Jackson Griffith)
5. Throw, shoot, or radiationalize your victim.
6. join Al Qaida
8. Then go to a pub and get drunk.
9. You know what happens next......
Those are the basics of the drive-by. One huge technique of master drive-byers is to spice up what you throw. Here is a list of things to throw that might spark the mind of the amateur.
1. Toilet bowl lids
2. Cats
3. Money
12. Leftovers
The history of the Drive-by[edit]
The term "Drive by shooting" originally denoted a method of driving an automobile by means of controlling the speed of the vehicle through use of the feet on the clutch and brake pedals and the steering by skilfully shooting the steering wheel with a pistol or shotgun rather than controlling it with the hands. This technique became quite the fashion for young men about town in the 1890's, hoping to impress eligible young ladies with their skill and ability in keeping the car moving in a straight line while bleeding heavily from the legs and groin.
It was only in 1976 that gangsters realised that going up to a rival and shooting him in the street was an inefficient and messy method of settling territorial disputes. They eventually reasoned that leaning out of a car window and spraying their target with hot lead, then driving away before the suddenly bullet riddled cadaver had even hit the paving stones was a far more satisfactory method. Thus the term "Drive by shooting" subtly changed its meaning.
How to choose a victim[edit]
The choosing of a victim is simple. Simply pick someone that you strongly dislike, normaly dislike, weakly dislike, neutrally like, or like some what. In history, mobsters have simply picked people who looked at them funny. However, the best victims are people who don't know you, or do not own any cars. Planning is equally as important. A good resource is a hired stalker, a.k.a. a private eye. Once you know the victim's daily routine, you begin the second stage of planning.
How to choose a weapon/driver[edit]
The weapon in the drive-by is equally important as the driver himself. Unfortunately, some of the most talented and gifted drive-by drivers of this day and age have either been shot or put in jail. The weapons, too, aren't allowed out, as many are rabid animals. In one of the most famous drive-bies in modern history, a philosopher was attacked with rational thinking. The man has supposedlybeen put into the wacky shack, also known as the insane asylum. Every target has a weapon that suits him/her best, but please, never use a machine gun or handgun. That's far too blunt. Instead, do something more artistic.