Pluto
“Don't call Pluto a shortie. It prefers cute little planet.”
“I don't know what all the fuss is about, Pluto was a piece of frozen rock before he was called a planet, and he's a piece of frozen rock now. If you ask me, I think Pluto will warm up to the situation. Get it? Warm up? Yeah.”
Pluto is the only dwarf planet entirely owned by the Walt Disney Corporation. Walt Disney is actually very alive and owns parts of Australia and Colombia. The first man to walk on Pluto was Hugh Laurie. Pluto was a full grown planet but now it has been reclassified as a dwarf celestial body. Just like Peter Dinklage but not like Eddie Murphy in Pluto Trash Nash.
Michael Jackson owned the rights to Pluto until a hostile takeover by Disney in the 1990s. While Disney claims it only wants the "planet" in order to build a theme park, disturbances in the Force indicate a far more sinister plot in which Pluto is to serve as a base for hostile takeovers against other planets. Oh, and just to point out Pluto isn't the only little dwarf planet in the universe...! Ceres and Eris are also dwarves size-ically challenged.
How Pluto came to be a planet[edit]
Considered "the annoying younger brother," Mercury was both the fastest and the smallest planet, allowing him to be what some would call a pain in the ass to his larger, lazier siblings. After much collaboration, it was finally determined that something was needed to put this bastard in his place. Thus came Pluto. Now Pluto didn't want to be the smallest. For half a century he managed to stay in the closet and keep his size a secret. But Insensitive astronomers outed him and forced little Pluto to admit it all. All was great between the Elite Eight after this point [although a new, catchy, alliterated name was needed to describe the now nine members (Note: due to much petitioning by Mercury, this would never come to be. Some suspect that this was because this illustrious and speedy planet had in mind all along to destroy, or at least dishonor, his newly acquainted kin)]. Now, Pluto had the role of the smallest planet, while Mercury still held strong to his role of fastest (there was some debate between the gaseous planets as to whether or not even this position should be taken from their brother, but Mars intervened, alleging that one slap in the face was enough for the time being). Unlike the moon Pluto also is not made of cheese. However, Mercury did manage to get the last laugh by pushing Pluto into the Kuiper Belt, which is a region inhabited by some of the planets' rowdy cousins. You killed Kenny!!!! You bastards!!!!!!
How Pluto came to be a dwarf planet[edit]
The next 76 years held nothing of excitement for the planets. Pluto did try to woo Venus once or twice, but the latter rejected him, saying that he was always so far away, and besides that, far too cold-hearted. Crushed, Pluto remained in his own dark corner of the Solar System, never saying nor expecting much from the others. Uranus also deemed Pluto "the densest planet this side of the asteroid belt," which only increased the melancholy of the latter.
It was soon obvious that a mistake had been made back in the earlier parts of the century. Pluto was becoming more and more intolerable, what with his superficially morbid poetry ("My caps are but Ice" and "You would cry too if you were named after the lonely leader of the Underworld" being his most known, and, consequently, most made fun of), constant gray complexion and refusal to speak for long bouts of time. The planets, however, realized that they could not openly admit that they had erred so badly, and thus needed a sufficient reason (i.e. devising an easily violated bullshit law) to remove Pluto from their numbers. This came on a particularly gloomy day, when the planets discovered that for the past 20 years, Neptune had been rather distant from the rest. It was soon apparent that Pluto had, in a last attempt to win over the heart and toxic gases of Venus and your anus, literally cut in front of Neptune, bringing his orbit closer to the Sun. It was the third planet, Earth, that first noticed this drastic offence, and although Pluto tried to correct it, claiming temporary insanity, his water-covered brother would not remove the charges. This was just the excuse needed, and in 2006, each of the planets sent his/her own respective leader to Earth to determine just punishment. Upon arrival to Earth, the leaders discovered that Oprah had already taken actions to have Pluto denounced as a planet, thus further aiding their cause. It was finally determined that Pluto would be demoted to a "dwarf planet." Pluto, in being handed this dunce hat of shame (along with a few well-placed whippings from Jupiter), tried to look at the situation optimistically, claiming that now instead of scum of the lions he was ruler of the ants. In truth he knew that regardless of title, he was, one way or another, just a little shit that no one much cared for.
According to the IAU resolution, there are three main conditions for an object to be considered a 'planet':
- 1. The object must be in orbit around the Sun.
- 2. The object must be massive enough to be a sphere by its own gravitational force. More specifically, its own gravity should pull it into a shape of hydrostatic equilibrium.
- 3.The object must of cleared its orbit unless it is pluto. Should it be pluto, it must not be Pluto.
Pluto fails to meet the third condition.
On the Dwarf Planet Pluto, there is a distinct species that is not indigenous. The Pluto Dogs have acquired a key attribute to their survival...magnetism. Due to the weak gravitational force that Pluto exerts, the Pluto Dogs had to adapt to keep from floating off into empty space. This magnetism is also a bug repellent that the government is hiding from production companies, but uses it for their own needs while on Mars.
Pluto Conspiracy[edit]
Scientists have questioned the decision, citing that the real reason for Pluto's demotion was because it was destroyed by the Death Star, after Princess Leia provided the location of the Rebel base. They claim that its demotion was a cover-up so that everyone would eventually forget Pluto, thus no attempts to colonize it in the near future would be made.
Conspiracy theorists continue to debate whether Pluto is actually a planet, or a star, with some still convinced that the planet is actually Morrissey's ego, developed to such a scale that it has left the atmosphere and now orbits the Sun. However, tests from the planet have shown no conclusive evidence - it seems Pluto is cold and lifeless with no star like quality. Morrissey conspiricists are quick to point out that this fact only confirms the theory.
The War Between Pluto and Charon[edit]
Charon, Pluto's neighbor, is currently at war with Pluto about who is bigger. This is highly regarded as the biggest penis contest of all time. Since Pluto is owned by Walt Disney and one single scene is viewed again and again and again and again and again.... GASP! It looks very small. However, NASA pictures have confirmed that since Pluto is a series of scenes put out on a blanket, Charon IS bigger.
Impeachment Era[edit]
Although most of the planets are quite content with their decision to demote Pluto to a state of dwarfdom, some are now annoyed by Mercury's re-instated arrogance. At the same time, a few subsidiaries of Earth have started to protest this decision, having been infested for a few thousand years with the idea of "Justice" (a concept, ironically enough, first philosophized by Plato, which kind of sounds like Pluto). Others claim that Venus should suffer the same fate, having violated the inter-planet relationship laws over the past few years, by allegedly maintaining rather scandolous relationships with both Mars and at least three of Jupiter's moons.
It is commonly known that when Venus's own toxic gases mix with the distance and coolness of other bodies, a strangely idiosyncratic substance, "life," is formed [note: sometimes, if the affair was short-lasting (i.e. Mars wasn't as great a "warrior" as he thought), only the primary stages of this substance, or "water," are present]. Although no definite evidence has yet to be found incriminating Venus, Earth is, out of relative jealousy, very quickly sending probes to the locations of her lovers in hopes of finding either of these two dirty, dirty chemicals. As for Pluto, he's still lumbering along in his typical, pseudo-elliptical fashion, staying out of the way. And the other 8 thank him greatly for that.
Further, Pluto was unable to produce a birth certificate to prove it was born in this solar system. Neptune once called it a "bastard mutt rock!", setting off a firestorm of controversy.
Pluto's Natural Resources[edit]
Pluto's one major natural resource is pluto-nium, which is a non-radioactive, life-giving magical substance that makes you grow all of your hair back (or is that "hair on your back"?). It also specializes in math and hamsters. But since it is mined on a planet owned by Walt Disney and Darth Eisner, it has been used in so many cartoons that its originality has been destroyed, making it unsuitable for exportation.
Politics[edit]
The political structure of Pluto is highly complex, and only scant information has been made available by time travellers who have visited the "planet" in the future. However, it is known that the insignificant little ball of rock will be home to several influential lobby groups some time after 2010, when George Clooney's smugness will become so great that a wormhole will have to spawn somewhere in the Kupier Belt for the universe to remain profitable. Following a brief but gloriously violent invasion of the Pluto-Charon binary planetoids, alien civilisations will establish the League of Meateaters as a liaison between themselves and humans, as well as funding the campaign headquarters for Paris Hilton's successful bid for the White House in 2013. Pluto received a clone of "Doub-O" as a present from Neptune (after Neptune heard about Pluto's demotion).
For some odd reason Pluto and Neptune cross over their orbits every once in a while so Pluto is closer to Earth at one time and farther away at another. This was but one reason to downsize Pluto to Dwarf Planet status, but it also allowed Illegal Immigrants from Neptune to cross over into Pluto by just jumping off Neptune into Pluto as they crossed paths. This formed the Neptunian Nation and the Naptunia Party on Pluto.
Vacations on Pluto[edit]
Some foolish people have tried to go on holiday to Pluto and discovered that jumping up and down 'til you fall over is a useless way to get there; clearly you can only get to ur-anus by doing that (and that just herts). One person managed to jump out of an aeroplane with a rocket strapped to his back, but this only served to cause him painful spleen damage.
Pluto is extremely hot, though, so anyone actually reaching it would instantly boil away into goo, thus leaving a tasty treat for llamas, which are the only animal to live on Pluto at this time.(except for caribou, they live there under artificial means(see Outernet))
Often, when people sail to Pluto to go on holiday there, they mix the planet up with the dog, and are even surprised when it starts barking at them when they try to find a hotel in this dog. This is especially so if they choose an undesirable location on the animal. They instead have sailed to Disneyland.
Rockets don't reach the Dwarf Planet Pluto just yet, they can barely reach our Moon. While working on the problem NASA decided to make some telescopes in space to look at Pluto to find a way to get there better. They discovered that Pluto had Five Moons, they also noticed a Morse Coded message from Pluto that read "Dear NASA, Your mom thought I was big enough!" as Pluto had Mooned NASA Five times with each Moon. But because of endless wars in the Middle East the USA cut funding to NASA, and it is up to Virgin Galactic and SpaceX to develop rockets to reach Pluto. One Dutch billionaire came up with a plan to reach Pluto called Pluto One, using a Hemp Powered Rocket it would reach Pluto in 20 years but it would be a one way trip. The smoke would bake the brains of the travelers and they would live out their days on Pluto looking at stones.
Revenge Of Pluto[edit]
It’s been almost 500 years since the "Intergalactic Cancel" (also known as the IGC; conceding of mainly the other planets, the sun, most comets, most Asteroids, and your mum who’s fat enough to be a planet) demoted Pluto from Planet to Dwarf Planet and Pluto is getting pissed. He's spent the last 500 years up in the Kuiper Belt and the Oort Cloud gathering an allegiance with other 'Dwarf Planets', aAlians and other unrecognized space objects. Earth, head of the IGC, has been in civil conflict for at least 450 years. This conflict has left their defences wide open for attack and Pluto snapped on this opportunity.
In the year 2486 Pluto launched the supersonic light speed meteoroid army towards earth and is expected it collide by the year 2499. Since Earth has been in conflict for most of these 500 years their communication systems have not been up to scratch so they will not have a warning to the upcoming event. The main source of this conflict can be found at the moon who has been conspiring against the earth for Pluto. The Moon was sentenced to death in 2450 and will be executed by the sun in 2500.
See also[edit]
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