Organization XIII
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Organization XIII was once a 3rd Party controlling board of the Disney megacorporation. They had supreme oversight over the Company, and are said to have physically formed what is known as the Disney Corporation, today. Answering to no other persons, or groups, they were the top of the Disney Fuck Chain. When their 1st Member, known as XimXam, or Xemnas, decided to branch out of Disney, he deflected the then known as "Organization" and formed the "Organization XIII".
They then began the era of complete domination. Xemnas, a schemer, was somehow elected a seat in the U.S. Government. He then began his attack on the inside, by rising up in rank. When he reached President, he officially deflected the American Government and brought the Organization XIII into order as the governing force behind America. This brought many good things for the citizens of America. With their position, they slowly took over the world and became Supreme Organization XIII of the World Order. This lasted a good 20 Centuries (as they were all "Nobodies" and therefore unable to age any further) until XimXam was sued by the Emperor of the Imperial Forces for "Plagiarism of a Major Diabolical Scheme under Act 6969".
During the period that followed, they remained the Organization XIII and planned another giant scheme to gain complete control. This failed when unforeseen events surrounding an individual ruined everything. (Ironically, Luke Skywalker did this to the Emperor.)
P.S. Not to be confused with Organization XXX, a sub-division of Organization XIII. Its general aim is to seek out the Princesses of Heart and insert their Keyblades into their keyholes.
Origins[edit]
The Organization (back then known as the FF Rejects) was founded in the late 1990s in Hollow Bastion by Xehanort, who whined and ranted about how cool his hair was and how he should've been in one of the Final Fantasy games. The headquarters back then for the FF Rejects was in an undisclosed location somewhere beneath Hollow Bastion; the place was a small bedroom that housed all of Xehanort's emo tools.
He befriended Braig (now Xigbar) because he pitied Xehanort's succulent hair, and the two often met in Xehanort's secret hideout to draw fanart and death threats to the producers of Final Fantasy, sending their manifestos to the local post office. Eventually, Dilan (Xaldin), Even (Vexen), Aeleus (Lexaeus), and Ienzo (Zexion) joined the FF Rejects and started doing more controversial things around the neighborhood of Hollow Bastion, some activities nearly traumatizing citizens Yuffie Kisaragi, Squall Leonhart, Cloud Strife and Aeris Gainsborough. Investigators (Winnie the Pooh and friends) say there was a link between this erratic behavior, Xehanort's sudden flamboyant fashion sense, and people lining up outside his secret location to pet a newly-discovered creature called a Heartless. The FF Rejects' behavior eventually and illogically turned them into a new species, Nobodies, and with their newfound powers, they set up a headquarters in The World That Never Was, affectionately called Fort Mansex or the Castle That Never Was. (Later, when other investigators were sent to find the troublesome bunch, they too became Nobodies due to being in close proximity to the FF Rejects, but weaker ones who were now incapable of driving a gummicraft -- the prominent form of inter-worldly travel -- and therefore were never seen again.)
Members[edit]
Princess Mansex[edit]
“So wait, is he the guy who he isn't but might be but never was?”
“It's M-A-N-S-E-X, got it memorized?”
“AXEL AND XEMNAS OMIGOSH I MUST DRAW THIS!”
“That black and white thing makes you look like a giant cow.”
“Rip-off!”
“He's crap. I could kick his butt easy”
Mansex (マンセクス, No. I of XIII), the superior of the homosexuals, formerly known as Xehanort, was the founder of the Organization XIII. He wields the element of Nothingness, which he uses to maintain his homosexual powers and two ripoffs of lightsabers known as Ethereal Blades. His original name, Xenahort, is actually an alias that he used to hide his currently unknown true name. The alias is an anagram of "Rent a ho" with an X added. Theories on his true name range from Terra to Kenneth. Originally he was the bitch of Ansem the Wise, who would repeatedly mumble at the young Xehanort in Christopher Lee's voice, which was quite disturbing to Hollow Bastion's residents. After this hard start in life, Xehanort climbed the ranks to become the favored student of Ansem.
In this role, he made frequent (scientific) advances towards the old fogey. However, Ansem rejected his advances and frequently criticized his ideas and hairstyle. Because of this, Xehanort mutilated the geezer's mug and took his place as the guru of the FF Rejects, consequently losing all trust in his mentor. The six members of the FF Rejects at the time conducted experiments on drugs and getting high, resulting in Xehanort one day having a hazy hallucination about discovering a prototype black actor-thing in their super-secret basement lab. This creature exerted human-like qualities, and Xehanort, in his hallucination, decided to keep it as a pet.
After the discovery of the black creature, Xehanort and his friends kept the blackface actor-thing in secret, knowing that Ansem the Wise would not approve because of the ad hominem attitude towards his hair. This act of charity soon turned out to be disastrous, as pretty soon Xehanort started showing signs of becoming flamboyantly gay and frotteurism with the other FF Rejects. As the blackface actor-things multiplied in number for no logical reason, Xehanort was diagnosed to be terminally ill and horny. As a last resort, he developed an antidote to counter his homosexuality, but ultimately it split Xehanort's soul from his body. His soul became the sexy brown-skinned fake Ansem and his body became the floppy-haired Xemnas.
Mansex despised all beings with hearts and, more particularly, those with hairstyles to match his own. His master plan was to have Sora, Goofy, Donald Duck, and Mr. T to destroy the Heartless, which released hair back to the great Kingdom Hearts hair salon in the sky.
In the legendary battle of Fort Mansex, Superior, in his pimpin' zebra nightgown, fought Sora, Riku, and 10,000 other American Union Soldiers in Fort Mansex/The Castle that Never Was, then in a 4D Simulation room at the Theme Park that Never Was. After five-thousand troop casualties, many Nobodies slain and suffering multiple stab wounds in the groin, he died at 12:00 PM sharp on March 28, 2006. The battle was a victory for the American Union, and this put the Nobodies at a great disadvantage. In the following ten-second battle of #BH90210, the remaining Nobody sect was whooped good by Sora and Riku. Traditional celebration, such as implied gay sex, ensued afterward.
Mansex's primary weapons were mainly stolen from Darth Vader's food pantry located on Endor, which were two bitching Lightsabers handcrafted by the world-renown blacksmith George Lucas. Since Mansex was also the Superior, he had many other powers and weapons from the other Nobodies at his disposal, such as the Pimp Cane of Void, a minigun that shoots uranium-enriched lasers, and, as far as his name pronunciation goes, his wang. Don't ask, please.
Arrgh! I'm A Pirate![edit]
“Shot through the heart and you're too late!”
Xigbar (ズィグバー Bigrax "Xiggy" Stardust, No. II of XIII) was the second member of the Organization, dubbed "Hank J. Wimbledon" for his death-defying gunslinging skills, which were first noted when David Bowie found him fighting against the spiders from Mars. He was originally Xehanort's friend Braig, but after turning into an expert top and bottom and accidentally shooting himself in the eye, he became both a Nobody and a Heartless. He wields two kickass Arrow Guns and the attribute of Space and uses it to direct his bullets when he's too lazy to aim and make the battlefield look like a giant pickle.
Xigbar was supposed to be the second-in-command alongside Xemnas, but the Superior refused his presence because he wasn't gay enough, giving himself to Saix instead.
In the battle of Fort Mansex, Xigbar allegedly killed 200 American Union soldiers with his wicked guns and a large trendy tote bag before he choked on a stray bullet and died on March 28, 2006. As one survivor put it, "It was like watching that Homsar guy from HomestarRunner.com walk around the ceiling and shoot people with a gravity-defying hat," before being devoured by a lesser Nobody.
Xigbar had the most weapons available to him during his life as a Nobody. Besides his standard Laser Rifles and AWP, he also sported a gravity gun, a deathzooka, a hunting rifle, a gun that shoots guns that shoot swords, and the RYNO.
Besides his legitimately loaned weapons, Xigbar also had the power to stand upside down on air without puking, as well as fly through the sky with zero gravity, an act that can only be done by one person. His multi-gun teleport thing is fucking impossible to survive unless you know how to run away like a pussy with the shit scared out of it. Seriously, dude, it took me like three days to beat this shithead.
Controversy still surrounds his death, as he is implied to have a role in the Kennedy Assassination, though there is not enough evidence to disprove the fact that he might have been in another alternate universe depicting the JFK Assassination; a total of 550 alternate universes are still under investigation for clues leading to Xigbar being the culprit of at least one Kennedy being assassinated. He seems to have a pickle fetish and often dresses up as one to follow up sexual desires - "I LIKE PICKLES *NOM NOM NOM*!"
He also has a weird habit of giving people odd or sexually awkward nicknames. A good example is his nickname for Axel, "Flamsilocks." Xigbar calls him that because he is one of the few can confirm that the "carpets match the drapes." His nickname for Demyx, "Jailbait," was edited out of the games.
On a side note, he also has a scar which can be explained by the use of scissors and a pissed-off Saix combined. He now has quite the phobia of scissors and he somehow "persuaded" (in other words, blackmailed with pictures of him raping his unconscious puppy) Xemnas to ban scissors.
He shot himself after Xemnas took away his pickles.
Giant Leafblower Man[edit]
“He sucks, he got owned by Belle!”
Xaldin (カプタン シャルディン Captain Fuckin' Xaldin, No. III of XIII) was the third member of the Organization, and "the guy with the beefy sideburns". Originally, he was Linda, a friend of Xehanort, and was affected by the blackface actor-thing in Hollow Bastion. After falling ill to a disease known for the victim obsessing in phallic imagery, Xaldin came into existence from his body while his soul was crippled somewhere else. He wields six lances and the attribute of wind, and uses his element to cheaply blow his enemies away when he's too lazy to fight them, and fuel his shoop-da-whooping dragon contraption.
Like the members before him, Xaldin took good care of his dreadlocks and sideburns, even when engaging in sexual intercourse among his peers. He was one of the more serious of the Organization, planning ahead on the use of sexual appendages and deceiving Presidents into believing that everything is fine and nothing is ruined.
He was the perpetrator behind the attempted assassination against Avenged Sevenfold, during which they sang the '80s classic "Beast and the Harlot" in a concert somewhere in Ye Olde Europe. He attempted to throw a phallic object at lead bargler M. Shadows (the M stands for your Mom), but missed and killed a random person in the crowd. His cover was blown, and he started the chain of controversy surrounding Organization XIII's status as an equal-opportunity employer.
Xaldin attempted to assassinate Avenge Sevenfold again, this time in a little town in Ye Olde Europe, playing a private concert for a young girl and her manbearfriend. After sketchy details of him unsuccessfully trying to sever the lead guitarist's head and ruining the manbearfriend's rose garden, Xaldin was clawed to death on March 27, 2006. The suspect has never been found.
Xaldin possessed the power of changing wind currents, weather, air pressure, humidity, global warming, sugar crop growing, metal lance-like objects, and dishwashing. His powers were only effective when using his six handcrafted metal lances that vaguely resembled phallic objects. With these lances, Xaldin could call forth and screw up news forecasts and deliberately run meteorologists out of the town, or engage in painful acts of penetration with another person. Xaldin also has more weapons than you.
One Of Santa's Reindeer[edit]
“Defying me will be seen as treason against the Organization.”
Vexen (ヴェクシェン Vixen, No. IV of XIII) is "The Wendy's Chilly". Despite his name, Vexen controls the element of Ice. He wields a shield which he uses to block his enemies' attacks because he doesn't feel like fighting like a man. (He usually can be found making ice dildos for Mansex in the basement of Castle Oblivion.) "Vexen" is "Eve" with an "X" and "N" added to suppress the theory's of him being the Eve from Adam and Eve with a sex change, which he has no comment on. He uses a shield made of Ice which has a cross on it for reasons unknown to Vexen, which he hides behind during battle because he's a pussy son of a bitch, proven by the fact that Marluxia intimidated him into killing (or trying to kill) Sora on the threat of having tea with Xemnas.
Vexen developed a fear of cake after an unfortunate run-in with the LazyTown cake song, thus losing him all respect among other members of the Organization. He emerged from his laboratory in Chain Of Memories to sell some of his frozen sex toys to Larxene.
He was killed by Axel for trying to molest Sora.
E-Sexual[edit]
“IT'S OVER NINE-THOUSAAAND!”
“WHAT, NINE-THOUSAND?!?!”
Lexaeus (レクシュアース Lexus, No. V of XIII), "The Carpet Hero", is named for his performance on the floor with Zexion. He wields a tomahawk and the attribute of Earth, which he uses to cause earthquakes for TERRORISM. He is, in fact, butt-buddies with Zexion, Lexaeus being the top. He also LOVES Dragon Ball Z and Avatar: The Last Airbender and his ultimate goal were to eventually become an Earth-bending Super Saiyan, which he achieved, but instantly grew tired of it because he couldn't fly. It has been confirmed by Zexion that Lexaeus is not overcompensating. Lexaeus used to be in a circus as a "strong man" act, but then joined Zexion's fame-hunt.
Before his death, Lexaeus enjoyed games such as Final Fantasy (all 95 thousand of them), Halo, and games with characters with big swords. His hero is the renowned wrestler Rikishi, who he regularly watches on WWE TV shows. This would explain his attitude towards his large physique, as well as some of his special techniques. It has been claimed that his reported scandal with Zexion was simply training for using his "special technique". This was later proven wrong, however, as investigators witnessed what was definitely an act of bihomophobgaysexualivagina. Investigators were reportedly "5c4rR3D f0R L1f3 U 5+uP1D h4xXx0R n008!!11!11!!1!" He <3s his rock.
While online, he liked to operate under the name E-Sexual, which, in fact, had nothing to do with his name at all. Not even anagrams.
He died when a boy named Riku stabbed him for trying to touch his ass.
The Emo Kid[edit]
Zexion (ゼクシアン No. VI of XIII) is known for his so-called element, "illusion", and his book of magic parlor tricks. Zexion was once a little-known emo-magician (named I. Z. Eno) working in Vegas, striving to reach the peak of fame. He was visited by Mansex, who claimed he could give him all he wanted. Zexion soon became consumed by greed and spaghetti-Os and turned into a Heartless and a Nobody. His talents involve cooking (much better than Xaldin's "stewed sideburns"), cleaning, being a carpet-biter, cutting himself, being emo, reading anime and manga, and being a visitor to XTube. He installed all of the laser security systems surrounding Castle Oblivion, but due to a terrible design flaw, is only able to switch them on for 19 minutes at a time each day because he got Lexaeus to construct the batteries.
He has been voted "Sexiest Man in the Organization" at least fifty-two times in a row. When rival contender Davey Havok beat Zexion in the competition in 2002, Zexion allegedly assaulted the other "less Zexy" man.
In Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories, Zexion has the distinction of being the only character who nobody ever fights. He instead uses immensely complicated plans to get his way. He started by the using the Riku Replica, which Vexen constructed, to start statue busking in Traverse Town to earn money to build a liquid wall in Castle Oblivion that required a 4-digit passcode in order to turn to liquid so people could walk through it, but Zexion lost the passcode after the real Riku stole it from the under the stone turtle in Castle Oblivion's front garden. So Zexion sliced the members of his internet forum on Riku, but given the fact that they were all pimply, greasy-haired nerds, Riku was able to defeat them easily. Zexion decided to sell all of Organization XIII's funds to purchase a laser superweapon that he attached to the moon, but unfortunately, the laser tracking system was badly damaged by the meteor impact, causing the laser to accidentally blow up a small island, causing an earthquake, which in turn caused the Boxing Day Tsunami. Sora defeated Marluxia and Lexaeus was sent to Hogwarts to complete his degree in gruefecology, so Zexion was left alone. He started exporting his pocket money to illegal circuses that could be fumigated with toxic gas at any time, to act as a trap for Riku. However, Riku instead lured Zexion into the circus and switched all of the big top's lights off when Zexion was inside, causing Zexion's right leg and both arms to be eaten by a grue. Zexion then entered cosmetic surgery to regain his lost limbs. After hours and hours of questing, Zexion traveled back in time using his Spondoolicator to prevent Riku from even being born, but he forgot his only weakness; he's a nerd. Even the baby Riku defeated Zexion, making Zexion so depressed that he ran away to Romania to study dragons. He has looks rivaling long time emo dude Sasuke Uchiha and his sexy brother Itachi Uchiha. He goes bat fuck insane when you touch his hair and obviously, fangirls everywhere are giddy whenever he appears on MTV.
Zexion now resides in Castle Oblivion with his butt-buddy and "partner", Moni, who was his partner during his show. He was also found in Marluxia's bed naked and dead after he insulted Marluxia's mother.
Sonic The Hedgehog[edit]
“Baby, did you forget to take your meds?”
“So, are you guys gonna fuck me now or what?”
“Very soon.”
“How I've waited to hear that...”
Saïx (サイクス Secks, No. VII of XIII) was nicknamed "The Loony Divider" for his tendency to go Bat Fuck Insane when exposed to any moon whatsoever and become a complete, irredeemable Zweïhander. He wields a claymore and the element of the moon and uses it to go crazy and kill people. It is debatable, however, that it was not the moon that made Saïx mentally ill but the amount of blue food coloring he ate, thus explaining why his hair was so unnaturally blue. He was recruited into the Organization when Xemnas accidentally teleported into a bondage club and split the formers face open with his lightsaber. This split the hot-tempered paraphiliac into a Heartless and the scarred Saïx. Needless to say, the two sociopaths hit it off almost immediately, and he was inducted into the Organization post-haste.
He was the personal bitch of Gabriel and often argued with Alfred on being second in command of the Organization. It is presumed that he was the offspring of a werewolf and Hannibal Lecter, which would explain why he's such an evil bastard. In any case, he enjoyed screwing around with the minds of androgynous boys and kidnapping high school girls from flaming homos.
He was responsible for dragging Sora into the Orgy's convoluted - and utterly implausible - scheme to steal the hearts and minds of everyone in the universe by designing and building the Kingdom Hearts salon for Xemnas. Of course, the boy had better things to do than play the role of patsy and quickly crushed his gonads, which the man ironically enjoyed for the most part. Saïx died on March 28, 2006, at the battle of Fort Mansex in a slow and agonizing manner, pining for his lost masculinity.
As previously mentioned, he would become Bat Fuck Insane when exposed to moonlight, and in this state, used an enormous spiked Pimp Cane similar to Xemnas' to pimp slap people. The Pimp Cane was Solar powered, which explained the consistent low battery life it possessed due to the World That Never Was always being in the moonlight. Contradictory to Saïx's fighting style, this rendered the Pimp Cane almost useless for most of the time, and so the only way for him to fight was to transform into a werewolf, werelion, or weregorilla (via the moon or being mooned, and depending on how horny Saïx was) and eat the shit out of people. He doesn't want to go on a mission superior. Leave it at that.
He died when he was shot by a tank after he went on a rampage in New York City.
Roxas' Special Friend[edit]
“Nobody would miss me...”
“That's not true! I'd miss you!”
“I wanted to see Roxas. He was the only one I ever liked. He made me feel like I had a heart...”
“Niggers”
Axel (アクシェル No. VIII of XIII) is nicknamed "The McFlurry of Dancing Flames". There's a double meaning there, and if you can't figure it out, well then you must be retarded. He wields the attribute of fire and two chakrams and uses his element to turn his enemies into Mongolian Barbecue. He took the name Axel for two main reasons: it was much cooler than his original name of Lea/Reno, and he discovered that he could turn hubcaps--along with other various car parts--into deadly weapons by dousing them in oil and setting them on fire. He also idolized Axl Rose and would often burst out into Guns 'N' Roses songs in public. One time he got beat up and arrested by a YMCA group (the Young Masturbators' Cocaine Addicts). He is quite an odd character: he lashes out at gays and traitors to the Organization, yet is himself rogue (as are most of the members of the group) and constantly fucks around with their plans when he thinks no one is looking. He pretended to be Marluxia's servant and killed Vexen, but then released that emo girl Naminé just to stop him from redecorating the World That Never Was with white roses. He died when Marluxia ordered a bunch of deranged firemen to douse him with fifty tons of water. He is also the main icon of McDonalds. Now that I think about it, he was related to that guy. See that one, over there? Yeah. Retard. Axel enjoys watching the sunset, eating ice cream, and lighting kittens on fire with the sheer aura of his epicness. His ideal vacation spot is Neverland Ranch.
You definitely don't wanna mess with his fangirls. They can and WILL rip you to pieces.
Axel is sometimes nicknamed Shakira as the latest video to storm the nation is entitled, "Axel's Hips Don't Lie," and has clips of Axel to the song Hips Don't Lie by Shakira. At first, many fangirls were offended, but then realized that Axel did, in fact, have more distinct hips than the two girls in Organization XIII, Larxene and Marluxia (he is the g1rlzz in denial).
Axel is very hot. Ha. Ha. Ha.
The Living Embodiment of ADHD[edit]
“You win”
“You suck, Demyx!”
“Now that's just plain rude....”
“Dance, water, dance!”
“I bet you can't even fight”
“Roxas?”
“I'm not Roxas FFS”
“How did a wimp like you get into the Organization?”
“DEMYX SUX!”
“I love you Demyx!”
Demyx (デミクシュ David Bowie, No. IX of XIII) was known as the "Sugar-Happy Prankster", known for his stupidity and obliviousness to certain things, not to mention his sexual naivéte. He experienced ADD and mood swings and controlled the element of water. I'm not making this up. When he was a small child, Xemnas found him in a dumpster where his biological parents, Ryan O'Donoghue and Jareth the Goblin King, had abandoned him. His assigned missions usually include annoying the shit out of people with his hyperactive behavior, like taping "KICK ME" signs on people's backs, or just yelling obnoxiously at the top of his lungs whenever he sees something of great importance, usually a rock or an incoming missile. Demyx is a cheerful and completely oblivious twit, which poses a problem for the Organization's stoic way of life, as the members wonder WHY the freaking idiot hasn't learned to grow up yet.
Demyx's primary weapon was a twelve-string custom exploding sitar, hard on the ears and has the ability to summon killer melted ice block men at the flick of the wrist. Since Demyx's death at the hands of the cereal killer Sora, the custom-built stringed instrument has been sold to one lucky bastard for $5000. He can also subdue opponents by going "flying tackle glomp" on their butts and making random time-limits come into play in which you must win before you die from pure pwnage.
In the Kingdom Hearts game, Mary Sue's Dream Come True (aka Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days), Demyx succeeds in making himself out to be the most pathetic bad guy in existence. He spends his days doing absolutely nothing, sitting on the couch like a lazy bum and playing his sitar while everyone else does the work for him. His vocabulary consists of stupid terms used by children such as "calling it squares" and gives fellow members stupid, unoriginal nicknames. Not that Xigbar is any better, but at least he puts a little bit of thought into his nicknames, with Demyx only coming up with "Xiggy".
He was the main architect of Hyrule's famous Water Temples in Majora's Mask and Ocarina, going totally bat fuck insane and making them impassible. His somebody is Billy Rae Cyrus, which means we can blame Demyx for Hannah Montana.
Several people commented on Demyx's high pitched scream when in battle, and wondered why he was such a wimp. After several DNA tests and whatnot, it was concluded that Demyx was, in fact, the fourth Hanson brother, and thus had got all his wuss-like qualities and non-existent musical talent from his siblings. If you listen closely to "Mmbop", you can almost certainly here Demyx sing at about 0:44 seconds into the song.
On April 42, 20X6, in an undisclosed gladiator arena beneath Hollow Bastion, Demyx suffered a heart attack as a result from sugar overdose and an ass-whooping from the legendary Sora (which authorities have deemed as "odd", considering that he didn't have a heart). He was pronounced dead at the scene two minutes later. Everyone remaining in Organization XIII (except for Luxord, who never quite forgave the rest of them for their glee) was very happy when he was killed because at least, says Axel, they didn't have to suffer from "being tormented by a fucking nine-year-old and his music ever again" or the usual "flooding the castle time and time again".
His fangirls will kill you. Even though a majority of them are swimmers, they will drown you.
I Should Have Stuck With Yu-Gi-Oh[edit]
Luxord (ラクショードゥ Vanilla Ice, No. X of XIII) was the tenth member in the Organization and the "Duel Master". He wields the power of time, which he uses to cause time paradoxes that cause his enemies to disappear, and also has a pair of deadly cards. Formerly Ludor, he joined after losing a dispute over the rights to the show Yu-Gi-Oh! against Kazuki Takahashi and 4Kids. Depressed that he could not screw the show's canon over as he wished, he turned to the Organization for help. Unfortunately, this meant that they harvested his soul into a blackface Heartless (ironic) and also the pseudo-European Luxord. He constantly asks if his opponent if they "have any Soras" even when they are not playing go fish.
Luxord was one of the few members of the Organization who rarely participated in the perverse practices brought forth by the Superior. Instead, he practiced the art of magic card tricks, such as getting Royal Flushes almost every time in scheduled Poker Nights, using tarot cards to force sex upon some of the members of the Organization, and other bizarre things. Rumor has it that he signed up on YouTube under the name of MadV, preaching about something about "ONE WORLD" through the magic of V for Vendetta alliteration and cheap anti-gravity tricks.
In the battle of Fort Mansex, Luxord challenged Sora to a card duel inside the Castle That Never Was, but was killed by a bunch of imaginary American Union soldiers before he could draw his first monster. He was pronounced dead at 14:00 PM, March 28, 2006.
Many people have commented that Luxord looks a great deal like Mufasa from The Lion King. After further interrogation, it was revealed that the resemblance between the two was, in fact, "in the chin".
One of the most well-known qualities of Luxord is his ability to get totally smashed, and being one hell of a good lawyer while doing so. There have been many times from which he has been caught putting rum in his tea and playing on the monkey bars. (Xigbar's reaction: "YOU BASTARD!") Yes, Luxord being a drunk is very scary, yet what else would you expect, seeing him on Captain Jack Sparrow's ship? Clearly, he was stealing his rum!
Luxord is one hell of a lawyer, with his British charm and knowing his way with a drunken slur. He states the rum helps a hard case, which is demonstrated in the courtroom.
He perished when he gambled his own life for Cheesy Puffs.
Later, he celebrated with rum, although he had lost the case of "Marluxia being a fucking rapist" trial against Vexen and his lawyer Xigbar. (Marluxia, on the other hand, got the short end of the stick...and possibly lost his own stick.)
I Was Originally A Girl[edit]
“Wait, is that a big gay flower fairy?”
Marluxia (マルクシア Jeffree Star, No. XI of XIII) Clearly the most flamboyant of the group, the pink-haired Marluxia is the Grim Reaper's homosexual cousin from hell; his nickname is "The Gay Reaper" or "The Fruity Sage". He earned these bizarre nicknames due to the fact that his favorite color is pink, and that he wields a HUGE FUCKING SCYTHE and can control both flowers and death with his mind. Before joining the Organization, he used to be a ladies' hairdresser but was fired when it was discovered that 200% of his clientele died during their sessions from asphyxiating on the razor-sharp flower petals with which he is constantly surrounded. After he was inducted into the group by the homophobic Xigbar, Marluxia eventually came to believe that he could run things much better than Xemnas could and wanted a piece of the pie. His plan was foiled, however, when he made the mistake of trying to seduce the Superior and wound up getting a spanking from Saïx that he wouldn't forget anytime soon. As further punishment, he was banished to Castle oblivion along with the other weak members of Organization XIII. As soon as he was banished, he was in the stage of 'denial' of being the biggest homo you'll ever meet so he used Namine as his own sex toy to prove to others he wasn't a homo but he found that he liked anal sex better than the old way it's done. After accepting being gay, Marluxia attempted to get his revenge by brain-washing Sora into redecorating The World That Never Was with a white rose motif (this was a favor for his sister Larxene, who loved to spatter blood on white things). His plan was foiled, however, when Axel released the witch Namine from the castle dungeon so she could run amok, participating in a threesome with Sora and Vexen's Riku Sex Doll. Marluxia was disgusted by this display of heterosexuality and tried to kill them all with his Grim Reaper powers. In spite of his gayness, Marluxia proved to be the most powerful member of Organization, having mastered the Japanese art of appearing to move slowly while in reality moving at superhuman speeds. The fact that he could turn into a giant robot with an Angel of Death on its back didn't help either. But he still lost, because Sora suckered him into betting his life on a game of Texas Hold'em with James Bond and Le Chiffre, which Marluxia lost. BADLY. Marluxia wants a flower bed, a garden, and an orchid...
Marluxia died when the giant robot he was standing on exploded due to being unable to compute his terrible card skills. It serves him right because he was the most difficult fucking final boss of all time.
On a side note, he may have been related to--or even BEEN--that disturbing he-she from Rurouni Kenshin; after all, they both wield scythes, and they're both gay, so a relation, be it filial or sexual, is possible.
Another side note, he apparently had sexual relations with the tranny Vexen. Who was raped by Marluxia's tentacle vines of horror whenever he tried to run back to his Riku sex toy. Poor, poor tranny. He, however, got bored of Vexen and Zexion and he has been close to each other lately and everyone is starting to get curious about this new relationship. Lexaeus was found in a corner crying.
Also, Tetsuya Nomura had originally intended for Marluxia to be a woman. But since Nomura decided that Xemnas is sexist and wouldn't let a woman rule Castle Oblivion, he made Marluxia a man. This sex change proved to be fatal since Marluxia now (surprisingly) has an alarming amount of fangirls and anyone that knows said fangirls claims the fangirl to be a complete lezbo. Oh joy.
Pikachu's Mother[edit]
“I PWN ASS!”
“Heh. Larxene's on herself.”
“I wanna be on Larxene on Larxene!”
Larxene (ラークシーン Pikachu, No. XII of XIII) was the twelth twelf twelthf tweffth twelff fuck it TWELVfTH member of the Organization, and the only girl. She can control lightning, which she uses to electrocute anyone that pisses her off. She is, by a landslide, the most masculine of the group. Her origins are unknown, and as her will states should stay that way. As a n00b in the Organization, Larxene was soon adopted by the older member Marluxia to help him assist with the ruling of Castle Oblivion. Her job was mainly to have sex with Marluxia at the snap of the finger, but that soon proved to be boring for her. Instead, she became a sadomasochist, enjoying the floggings sexual or otherwise that she would get from Marluxia's scythe whenever she screwed up her duties. She also has a wild, crazy sexual relationship with Xigbar. He likes being whipped and she likes whipping him. Put away those nipple clamps though. She is, unsurprisingly, Miss Murder, which makes Zexion loathe her as Zexion HATES Davey Havok (and AFI). Larxene is still surrounded by morons and is now considered to have permanent PMS. This moodiness could, of course, be attributed to her former life as Elena (the evil bitch queen of the Turks, operatives of the Shinra Electric Power Company from Final Fantasy VII).
She was involved in a conspiracy involving a witch from Salem and the witch's ability to read and mess with other's minds. Sora unknowingly stumbled onto this conspiracy, unraveling the truth about the Salem Witch - who was, surprisingly, a genuine witch. For the sexual abuse done to the witch from Salem and mocking Sora's crappy Muay Thai, Larxene was cut down by Sora himself. Her body was never found.
Prior to her death, she wrote a trilogy of books known today in pop culture as "The Adventures of Marquis de Sade", which covered the perverse happenings of Organization XIII in full-blown detail. After recalls from bookstores, lawsuits by the real Marquis de Sade, and millions of Munny engrossed, the series has become a world-renowned New York Bestseller, remaining #1 on the charts for thirteen weeks straight. Typical reactions to her books are compared to that of when facing Jack Thompson's radical messages, with the usual death threats.
Larxene was fueled by six-thousand volts of free energy and channeled it to stimulate masculine orgasms from the other members. She was known to freely distribute her energy to certain electric companies to power electric chairs and other humiliating forms of prisoner torture.
She is also the mother of Frankenstein, a whole 'nother man.
Recently, however, Larxene was found alive and kicking. Her location: Sora's house. Surviving Organization members Axel and Zexion broke into Sora's house to steal his Keyblade, his Wii, and his hair gel only to find Larxene, Sora, and Roxas making out in bed. Axel was extremely jealous and set the bed on fire, although all three escaped. Larxene explained to police the next day that she broke into Sora's house, chained him to a wall and began a large list of rather graphic sexual experiments and fun with Sora, and Roxas later showed up to join in. She died when Darth Vader stabbed her in the chest.
Jesse McRoxy![edit]
“STOP BLAMING THE RAPE ON ME!!! HE'S A PEDO KID!!!”
Roxas (or maybe it's Sora) (ロクシャース Jesse McRoxas, No. XIII of XIII) (Japanese: "Rocks A$$") was the last member of Organization XIII, and also Sora's biggest fan. He is also a gay pedo kid who SERIOUSLY NEEDS TO GET A LIFE. He has numerous stalkers across the world.
Roxas was born into the world with the purpose of worshiping the serial killer Sora with the act of ritually sacrificing Heartless with his Keyblades. He changed his name from Jesse McCartney after he murdered Axel's girlfriend (Xion?). To further his worship, he left the Organization but was pursued by his man-chasing friend Axel. The two never participated in a mutually consensual sex (yes they did).
Roxas was shortly kidnapped by the Heartless Ansem, and taken to the village of Twilight to gain a bachelor's degree in martial arts. He is also not Sora, damn it.
Roxas eventually discovered, by some sort of twisted chance, that he was in fact related to Sora, being his long lost brother/sibling/twin whose parents lacked the imagination to give him a proper name. This enraged him so much that he suddenly adopted his whatever's personality and turned his back on the Twilight village he was raised in. He then had a mid-life crisis at the age of 14 and decided that he hated everyone around him (and buys a race car!), before realizing that he didn't have a heart and couldn't hate anyone. Then he jumped off a clock tower but failed to die, so he journeyed off to find Sora. When he did, he disappeared for most of the game for unknown reasons. People say it was to find the one girl who was hiding in Virtual Twilight Town at the same time he was. Later on in the game, he returned. Still unknown if he found the girl and got laid.
Be careful when insulting the AkuRoku paring... rabid yaoi fangirls have recently gotten control of a military base and jacked all the nukes.
The Girl That Never Was (Until Now)[edit]
“14th member?! This is Organization XIII, not XIV!!!”
“What?! There's a FEMALE 14th member?! Awww, I thought we were finally getting This Guy!”
“Dammit! I wanted a boy!”
“Roxas and Shion are rape buddies. End of story.”
Xion (シオン No. XIV of XIII)) (pronounced Shee-on) is the NEW last member of the Organization. This bit of information pissed Roxas off further. Her name is Xion, and she looks like the emo version of Kairi, even though she is REALLY a male, although she looks like a female (most of the time). Xion has only revealed this in his dreams and to Roxas during one of their illicit affairs that took place in the time that Axel was in that stupid Other Castle No One Cares About. Xion's special element is Insanity, and this has been proven in his own mental breakdown AND the state he puts fangirls in over his existence.
How s/he came into existence is still not completely known. She spends the majority of her time in 358/2 Days contemplating this, driving everyone even madder. Who the hell did she think she was? WE WANTED AKUROKU, NOT THIS THING! I guess the fangirls just have to deal, though. Most people generally agree on the theory that Xion is the love child of Sora by Xemnas, who decided to have some unauthorized fun with him while he was asleep and DiZ wasn't looking. Xemnas was hoping it would be a boy, but he was contractually obligated to produce strictly female sperm in order to avoid making it seem like women weren't good enough for the Organization unless they were bitchy adult nymphos. Not like Xion really affected everyone's standpoint on females in the Orgy, but I digress.
There are many theories on her disappearance ranging from death by freak gasoline fight incident to being turned into a geji-geji in the middle of the night and getting smashed to death. One story recounts of her being introduced to a character of a similar name with green hair, in a small town in Japan. Xion left the town and is quoted as saying that it was "too creepy". However, this is unlikely as historians have determined that he simply went on vacation to Drag Queen Island and never returned, going against the advice of Riku, Roxas, and Axel.
Other not-so-important details about this thing include the fact that s/he is creepy and likes to stare at people all day, stalks Roxas and leaves seashells with little love haikus engraved on them (much to Roxas's alleged lover Axel's chagrin), and she is left-handed (a trait so rare in Kingdom Hearts that she is observed as one of the universe's 7 modern marvels). If you were wondering, her poetry is crap.
Lawsuits[edit]
This is just a small list of the many lawsuits that Organization XIII has faced in recent years.
- Xemnas was sued by the Republic for stealing their lightsaber designs. The suit was settled out of court for an undisclosed amount of munny. (Yes, munny, not money.)
- Larxene sued the Organization for sexual discrimination. The Organization responded by adding some girl made from a dude's memories of a girl.
- Mr. T sued the Organization for racial discrimination. The Organization refuses to acknowledge this, saying "We can't be sued by an ape."
- Lexeaus was sued by Prince Vegeta for stealing his awesome red glow. Lexeaus was quoted as saying "Screw you. End of line."
- Roxas sued the Organization for stalking and red-headed sexual harassment after leaving the Organization.
- Larxene also sued for sexual harassment from Vexen. She then settled it with him behind closed doors. When asked why she said, "He offered to give me a free physical."
- They have also heard from lawyers nonstop about the kidnapping of Naminé.
- Axel was sued by the family of a man killed during one of his pyrotechnics experiments.
- Axel and Saix both were sued by Kairi for kidnapping. Saix was also charged with rape.
- Axel is being sued by Goku for stealing his hairstyle. (He's also being sued by Reno for stealing his voice actor.)
Arrests[edit]
- Luxord was also arrested many times for being drunk in public and sharing his "cider" with kids. When asked about his actions, he replied "I didn't want to be drunk in public! I wanted to be drunk in there! But they kicked me out!"
- Lexaeus was arrested recently for losing his temper and beating up Demyx. During a drug screening, it was discovered that in Lexaeus's urine there were high amounts of steroids, kittens, methamphetamine, marijuana, heroin, and 12 different types of beaver tranquilizer.
- Luxourd was arrested at a Las Vegas casino for counting cards.
- Demyx was arrested for DUI and hit-and-run charges for wrecking some random semi-truck beside the Skyscraper in The World That Never Was. He broke out of prison with the help of Xigbar, his sitar, and two shiny silver spoons, and has been in hiding under the alias "Billy Ray Cyrus". Yes, Miley Cyrus is HIS FAULT.
- After being released for his assault charges on Demyx, Lexeaus was, once again, arrested. The charges were assault with a deadly weapon and public intoxication. After being released, Lexeaus, Xemnas, Xigbar, Xaldin, and, for some reason, Bob Saget went to a local bar in The World That Never Was. Macho Man Randy Savage just so happened to be at the bar. 15 shots of tequila, 4 Jägerbombs, 6 Miller High Lifes, and an entire bottle of Absolut after entering the bar, Lexeaus attacked Savage with his Tomahawk. After beating Savage to a bloody pulp, the drunk and disoriented group wandered the streets of the city looking to fill their stomachs at Another Castle. After 10 minutes, only Lexeaus remained on the streets. After puking on a hobo, Lexeaus passed out and awoke the next day in The Jail That Never Was. When asked about the assault Lexeaus stated that Savage was "making fun of Mama Lexeaus! And he kept bragging about his magic cheese!" Savage stated that Lexeaus was "a lightweight! Oh yeah! He started getting loopy after that Absolut! Oh yeah!" This just goes to show, kids, always know your limits.
References[edit]
- ↑ Sidious, Darth. "Vader's Mailbag." Galactic Empire Weekly, 5th to 12th Helona, 3 BBY