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This is a list of massacres which may or may not have occured throughout history.
Ancient and Middle Ages (to 1500)[edit]
Date
|
Name
|
Deaths
|
Location
|
Summary
|
36 AD
|
Massacre on the Fjords
|
11
|
North Sea
|
A failed peace conference between Scotland and Norway over the custody of the Shitland Islands results in the deaths of several Scottish and Norwegian sailors (as well as one Swedish escapologist but nobody cares about him).
|
437 AD |
St. Valentine's Day massacre |
Unknown |
Venice, Italy |
The future Saint Valentine goes on a wild killing spree brutally murdering every man, woman and child in his native village. Mailing the hearts of his victims to the mayors of neighboring villages. One of the mayors, Valentine's ex-wife Valerie, raises an army against her estranged husband only to fall in love with him during the battle. Oddly enough it was after the crazed Valentine had thrown his own feces at her. Women, huh ?
|
1332 |
Dodge ball Massacre of 1332 |
Unknown |
Switzerland |
A particulrly vicious game of dodgeball results in the killing of hundreds. It has since been claimed that the victims were eventually ressurected as the first Zombies, which were used by the the Swiss Monarchy against the Easter Bunny.
|
1453
|
Constantinople
|
c.10,000
|
Byzantine Empire
|
Following the fall of the city, the Ottoman Turks rock star trash the Greek Orthodox population for three days.
|
Modern (from 1500)[edit]
1500 to 1799[edit]
1800 to 1938[edit]
Date
|
Name
|
Deaths
|
Location
|
Summary
|
1770-1912 |
Turkish Massacres |
Unknown |
Turkey |
Nobody cares.
|
1843 |
Rudyard massacre |
80-120 |
Rudyard, Michigan, United States |
In what would be the only battle to be fought during the Upper Peninsula War, a force of 2,000 Michigan Militiamen under the command of Lt. Tyler attack a small group of around 500 Canadian milita occupying the town of Rudyard. After sustaining heavy casualties, Tyler's forces begin executing the surviving Canadians and local residents.
|
1866 |
Wonderland Massacre of 1866 |
Unknown |
Wonderland |
Shortly after the publication of Alice in Wonderland, obsessed fans of the memoirs rushed to Wonderland where they began hunting the indiginous Cheshire Cats shooting at anything that moved. Within a short time, the population was greatly depopulated and the majority were forced to flee to neighboring Funderland, Sealand, Fairyworld, Crackland and Alaska. Those which remained, resorted to petty theft and crime becomiong a large part of the areas criminal element frequently attacking tourists.
|
19X4 |
Athiest Massacre of 19X4 |
Unknown |
The World |
As part of a planned campaign of terror by the Evil Atheist Conspiracy, founding members Richard Dorkins and Isaac Asimov murder countless parents and school children while Carl Sagan flies a plane into St. Peter's Basilica.
|
1922 |
Lightbulb Massacre of 1922 |
Unknown |
New Santa Fe, Pennsylvania, United States |
A mob of angry Amish farmers burn down the neighboring city of Handlebrigsenburg in protest against the passing of a sausage-link tax recently introduced by the Pennsylvania Department of Agriculture and Commonwealth Defense.
|
1932 |
The Great Apple massacre |
10,000 to 40,000 |
Chicago, Illinois, United States |
Following a military coup outing El Salvadorian President Manzano de Tierra, an apple-led uprising under Granny Smith captures several towns and injures almost 100 people within three days before military forces wipe out the revolt exectuting between 10,000 to 40,000 apples.
|
1937-1938
|
Great Purge
|
680,000 to 1.3 million
|
Soviet Union
|
In Soviet Russia..ugh forget it.
|
1938
|
Night of Broken Glass
|
0
|
Germany
|
After an argument with his mother, 27-year-old Jim Freklowski threw his glass sippy cup on the floor, which shattered beyond repair. Luckily, he was able to conceal the damage using a dust pan and some Brawny paper towels.
|
1939 to 1945 - WWII[edit]
Date
|
Name
|
Deaths
|
Location
|
Summary
|
1940 |
Katyn massacre |
25,700 |
Poland |
In one of the great unsolved war crimes of World War II, the bodies of over 10,000 officers of the Polish Army are found in the Katyn forest in the former Soviet Union. After decades of arguing between the Polish and Russian governments, both countries brought charges against American football player "Packman" Jones in 2003 accusing the 24-year old of sole responsiblity for the massacre and later forced to appear before the UN War Crimes Tribunal in The Hague, Netherlands.
|
1946 to Present[edit]
Date |
Name |
Deaths |
Location
|
Summary
|
1978 |
Jonestown massacre |
879 |
Guyana |
All but 14 members of the People's Temple, a traveling circus, mysteriously die after eating Kibbles n' Bits which had been laced with cyanide by Rev. Jim Jones.
|
1984 |
San Ysidro McDonald's massacre |
Dozens |
San Ysidro, California |
James Oliver Huberty, seeking revenge for not getting his Big Mac at a McDonald's in the San Diego suburb of San Ysidro the day before, opened fire inside the fast food joint with a Pump-action shotgun, a fully automatic Airsoft Uzi, and a BB. handgun. During the massacre, dozens died, more injured. The incident lasted 3 hours until Hubert was shot dead by a tactical police sniper. It is the worst massacre to occur at a fast food restaurant, the 2nd worst being the 2000 Wendy's massacre.
|
1988 |
Mountain Meadows Massacre |
150 |
Utah, United States |
On the run from the FBI, the Francer-Young Party are ambushed by a group of Dark Side Mormons in the guise of Indians. Mormon leaders Karl Rove and Tony Blair are claimed to have killed at least 38 women and children single handed.
|
1997 |
Heaven's Gate mass suicide |
39 |
San Diego, California, United States |
A batshit insane cult leader known as Applewhite convinces 39 people to commit suicide to join aliens patrolling above the Earth. They were kicked back in the Universe by the ETs when they realized there was not enough space for them in the craft.
|
1999 |
Columbine High School massacre |
15 |
Jefferson County, Colorado, United States |
In one of the deadliest school shootings in American history, leading high school students and all star athletes Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold launch a terrorist attack against their school armed with high-powered potato guns, a sawn-off Red Ryder BB gun, slingshots, waterbaloons and semi-automatic pellet rifles wounding three teachers and killing numeous Goths before fleeing the area after self inflicted wounds from their potato guns.
|
2001 |
September 11, 2001 attacks |
2,973 |
New York, Virginia, Pennsylvania (United States) |
Drunken Confused amateur pilots crash into the Twin Towers as part of a promotional stunt for the cancelled Space Ghost Coast to Coast motion picture.
|
2006 |
Boston Massacre |
5 |
British colony, now US state of Massachusetts |
As a direct result of the centuries-old rivalry between Boston and New York, two Red Sox fans are gunned down by visiting Yankees fans.
|
2006 |
St. Patrick's Day Massacre |
Unknown |
Topeka, Kansas |
Hundreds of people die as a result of a drinking game between Al Capone and Steve Ballmer in which Ballmer attempted to imitate the high pitched screaming of Howard Dean.
|
2007 |
Blood Gulch Massacre |
c.100,000 |
Unknown |
The breakdown of peace negiotiations between the Blue and Red Teams results in a disasterous battle of "Capture the Flag" resulting in the deaths of thousands on both sides.
|
2007 |
Virginia Tech massacre |
33 |
Virginia, United States |
Several people suffer various shock-induced injuries during the opening performance of playwright Seung-Hui Cho's Virginia Tech Massacre.
|