Jim Freklowski
Jim Freklowski (1911- ) has been through a lot in his life. He has played a key role in many of history's major tragedies. Fortunately, Jim Freklowski has a wonderful imagination, and has never actually been involved in any of history's major tragedies.
Night of Broken Glass[edit]
Not long before the Holocaust began, in November of 1938, 27-year-old Jim Freklowski got upset because his mother decided he was much too old to keep up with his early-evening nakee time. He threw his glass sippy cup on the floor, which shattered beyond repair.
Luckily, Jim Freklowski had a wonderful imagination, and the sippy cup did not actually shatter because it was made of plastic. The mess was nothing that Brawny paper towels couldn't clean up.
Interesting Facts[edit]
- Jim Freklowski, although quite elderly, still practices nakee time every day.
- His mother Sharon is actually a bagel, which has since been buried in the backyard.
- She was a very tasty bagel, though UN regulations prevent governmental recognition of this fact.
228 Incident[edit]
Not long after the Japanese left Taiwan, in February of 1947, 36-year-old Jim Freklowski attempted to smoke a cigarette while playing Monopoly. A small ember landed on Feklowski's trousers, igniting a blaze that destroyed the $228 in his wallet and caused crippling third-degree burns to his legs and genitals.
Fortuitously, Jim Freklowski had a wonderful imagination, and he was not actually wearing pants at the time. The damage was nothing that Aloe Vera couldn't soothe.
Interesting Facts[edit]
- Jim Freklowski did not enjoy the taste of the cigarette because it tasted kind of like tobacco.
- It is more difficult to smuggle cigarettes and other contraband when practicing nakee time.
- February 28 is occasionally the penultimate day in February, though UN regulations prevent governmental recognition of this fact.
West Ice Accidents[edit]
Not long after the Olympics took place in Norway, in April of 1952, 41-year-old Jim Freklowski was shoveling snow outside his home when he slipped on a patch of ice, shattering his tailbone and ruining his chances to be a sponsored figure skater.
Propitiously, Jim Freklowski had a wonderful imagination, and it was far too cold to go outside during nakee time. The snow pack was nothing that rock salt couldn't melt.
Interesting Facts[edit]
- Jim Freklowski dislikes the taste of rock salt, but is unaware of any alternatives.
- There are four species of seal in Greenland, unless you count the bearded seal, in which case there are five.
- The bearded seal is considered to be the seal with the most facial hair, though UN regulations prevent governmental recognition of this fact.
Bay of Pigs[edit]
Not long before the Cuban Missile Crisis began, in April of 1961, 50-year-old Jim Freklowski purchased a miniature pot-bellied pig and named her Tweakie. Tweakie's urine smelled unusually sweet, and Freklowski suspected type-two porcine diabetes, so he threw her into the ocean.
Providentially, Jim Frekowski had a wonderful imagination, and actually lacked the gluteal strength necessary to lift a 150-pound pig over his head and carry it to the ocean. The mess was nothing that commercial pig urine remover couldn't clean up.
Interesting Facts[edit]
- After the attempted ocean-tossing event, Tweakie decided she preferred the company of Freklowski's Russian poker buddies to Freklowski himself.
- The San Francisco neighborhood known as "The Castro" was named by a gay rights activist named Neil.
- Neil was the victim of many bad puns on the homophony between his name and the infinitive "to kneel." The UN recognizes this fact.
Axe Murder Incident[edit]
Not long after the Korean War ended, in August of 1976, 65-year-old Jim Freklowski got upset because there were too many cockroaches in his dishwasher. He seized an axe and brutally murdered a cockroach into tiny, tiny pieces.
Sadly, Jim Freklowski had a wonderful imagination, and the cockroach was actually South Korean immigrant Kib Chang.
Fortunately, Jim Freklowski had a wonderful imagination, and the axe was actually a flyswatter. Chang's rage was nothing that an out of court settlement couldn't assuage.
Interesting Facts[edit]
- Kib Chang was reincarnated as a big blue ox.
- Before the invention of shampoo, it could be quite a chore to get oxen feces out of one's hair.
- Shampoo is a less popular pizza topping than pepperoni, though UN regulations prevent governmental recognition of this fact.
9-11[edit]
Not long before the Afghanistan War began, in September of 2001, 90-year-old Jim Freklowki became furious that his local 9-11 convenience store clerk did not carry his favorite brand of chewing gum, Tubba Rubba Bubba. He furiously seized a handful of sand and threw it in the cashier's eyes.
Opportunely, Jim Freklowski had a wonderful imagination, and neither Tubba Rubba Bubba brand chewing gum nor 9-11 convenience stores are actual things. Freklowski was actually standing in the parking lot of a Trader Joe's. The mess was nothing to worry about, really.
Interesting Facts[edit]
- Freklowski was arrested ten minutes after the 9-11 incident for practicing nakee time in the parking lot of a Trader Joe's.
- Trader Joe's is a respected distributor of quality organic foods and inexpensive wines.
- Consumers of organic food and inexpensive wines dislike having sand thrown on their cars, though UN regulations prevent governmental recognition of this fact.
See Also[edit]
- Night of Broken Glass, although technically you just saw it.
