Helmet (band)
| Helmet | |
|---|---|
.png) The Helmet band logo, drawn by Page Hamilton himself, using MS Paint (1995)
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| Background information | |
| Origin | New York, New York, USA |
| Genre(s) | Acapella Alternative Punk Rock Polka |
| Years active | 1989–1998, 2004–Present |
| Label(s) | Intercope · Sesame Street |
| Members | |
| Page Hamilton | |
| Former members | |
| Christopher Reeve Mr. Bass Player Person Man The Ghost Of Rick James | |
Helmet is an adaptive Alternative Acapella Punk-Polka band established in 1989 by mongoloid Page Hamilton with the assistance of a long line of personal care providers. Over the years, the band’s roster has been in constant flux—members have either died, experienced progressively worsening disabilities, or simply "acted out" via self-defecation, temper tantrums, or other unruly antics, thereby compromising the lineup on a regular basis. As of 2025, Hamilton remains the sole consistent member. Having crossed the threshold of his 65th birthday in 2025, he is, however, expected to die soon. In the irreverent words of critics, "He can't win for losing. So needless to say, the clock is ticking..."
How They Came to Be[edit]
Page Hamilton was born in 1960 and was promptly tossed into a trash can after doctors discovered he was “infected” with Down syndrome (otherwise known as mongolism), and a congenital growth hormone disease. From an early age, his adoptive parents realized he wasn’t particularly useful for anything outside of manual labor, but he did have a remarkable talent for yelling—especially after sustaining one of many internal injuries while working on the family farm at the age of five. The consequences of these injuries would later become chronic.
After being forced to kill the family rooster and assume its morning crowing duties—a job he dutifully performed until the intervention of Child Protective Services in 1975—Hamilton found his true calling as the “vocalist” for a local adaptive punk band. Originally performing at various developmental centers across the United States, he eventually found himself alone in a New York group home in 1983 after attempting to decapitate a bandmate with a plastic cafeteria spork during a fit of unexplained rage.
Following six years of isolation, Hamilton was declared fit to rejoin society and was invited to a play date in 1989. It was here that he met his “new bestest friends” and went on to form a band called Helmet—named after the common protective apparatus worn by the guitarist due to his chronic inability to remain upright.
Initially, the project was meant to help Hamilton develop social skills and refine his talent for incoherently babbling along to songs. However, when his provider realized there was actual money to be made in the music industry, things took a different turn. A professional songwriter was hired, the band was instructed to "act natural," and before long, their debut album, Strapping Our Seatbelts On, was completed. Unfortunately, as fate would have it, the album sucked and failed to produce a single hit.
Rise, Fall, Resurrection & Fall Again[edit]
Intercope Records took pity on the band after noticing that the debut album’s sales were shockingly low—literally in the single digits—and signed them on Christmas Day, 1991. Within minutes, in a spur-of-the-moment decision, the band recorded their highly successful sophomore album, Here's a Song in the Meantime!. Despite having no prepared material, the album’s unexpected triumph was partly credited to Page’s new medication and a title track that soared to #1 on the Billboard charts in 1992.
Following their meteoric rise to fame, the band embarked on a year-long world tour with Barney, performing in elementary school auditoriums, at baseball games, and during church socials. In one infamous acoustic performance of “I Love You, You Love Me,” they took turns flogging the dinosaur—an act that sent children into tears and prompted parents to storm the stage. Security eventually escorted the band off, reportedly in tears, permanently denting their reputation and forcing the tour’s cancellation. Dubbed “the nancy boys of Rock,” each subsequent album plummeted even further than the debut, culminating in the band’s breakup in 1998.
After the breakup, Hamilton was placed in foster care and subjected to a series of behavior modification classes. In 2001, deemed fit to socialize again, he recorded his first solo album, Your Best Friend in a Time of Need. With little success—and few new friends to speak of—Helmet reunited in 2004. Over the next few years, they released two more albums, Why Should Our Size Matter? and Mongoloids Unite, which tackled the often taboo subjects of height, weight, and even their own disabilities. The latter was recorded live via a Memorex tape recorder that, true to the band's reputation, resulted in another unsurprising failure after the audience fell asleep during the performance.
In 2007, the band released “Vengeance Is A Very, Very Bad Thing,” a track that later featured in various instructional and inspirational DVDs on anger management—a fitting irony given their checkered past. Their seventh album, Blind People Are People Too, dropped in 2010 on Sesame Street Records and became their most successful release since the sophomore effort. Predictably, the band squandered the spoils of their success on candy, and later, dental extractions.
In 2016, after being dropped by Sesame Street Records—and seemingly oblivious to the fact that “We Are the World” had already set the precedent 31 years earlier—the band released their eighth studio album under this exact title. Shortly thereafter, they were sued by Lionel Richie and the estates of Michael Jackson and Kenny Rogers on behalf of A&M Records. Hamilton, then 56, was forced to leave his foster home and reside in a permanent group setting while one of his personal care providers attempted to salvage his finances through a series of ultimately unsuccessful investments. As of 2019, she resides in South Beach, Florida.
As of 2021, reports claimed that, due to the anti-vaccination views held by their caregivers, all band members except Hamilton had perished as a consequence of the pandemic. In 2023, Hamilton and fellow group home residents recorded an album under the Helmet moniker titled Left is the Opposite of Right and uploaded it to a left-leaning, communist video-sharing platform known as YouTube—to, allegedly, gain “brownie points.” By 2025, after discovering that no literal brownies were forthcoming and facing relentless backlash over the algorithmic exposure of the poorly received album, Hamilton disabled dislikes and viewer comments, and was later found sobbing in his bedroom until consoled with a hug and a pint of Fudge Brownie Ice Cream.
Discography[edit]
Studio Albums
Strapping Our Seatbelts On (1990)
Here's a Song in the Meantime! (1992)
My Best Friend, Betty (1994)
Bleach Has An Icky Aftertaste (Don't Drink It) (1997)
Why Should Our Size Matter? (2004)
Mongoloids Unite! (2006)
Blind People Are People Too (2010)
We Are the World (2016)
Left is the Opposite of Right (2023)
Compilations
We Can't Help That We Were Born This Way (1995)
Let's Join Hands And Sing: Helmet's Greatest Hits (2004)