4chan is considered one of the greatest private military's in the world. With its army made up of trolls around the globe, they have put the FBI, CIA, KGB and pretty much every other country's Intelligence Agencies to shame. They really put the special in Special Forces.
/b/tards but with more time on their hands.
Dub The Dew
In late 2012, Mountain Dew held the online contest Dub The Dew. They said "hey internet, you choose the name of our new apple flavored drink" and put it to an online poll. Their marketing team was already set on a few names such as Tempest, Electric Apple or Xtreme Apple. However, 4chan soon found out about the contest and they had their own recommendations. 'Hitler Did Nothing Wrong' was the number one pick with 'Gushing Granny' as a close second.
But that wasn't all, Mountain Dew's online security was lacking. Exploitable flaws in their voting system allowed people to vote as many times as they pleased. It also turned out there was no input validation on their site. Soon, avid fans of the new 'Hitler Did Nothing Wrong' beverage were changing elements of the webpage. They added;
"Mountain Dew salutes the Israeli Mossad for demolishing 3 towers on 9/11"
And made the Rick Roll video autoplay when people visited the homepage. If audience engagement was what they were looking for, the marketing team had run a great campaign. But in the end, they also had final say over the name.
Apple Mountain Dew was the chosen name. After the competition, those who were unsatisfied with the name started a petition on change.org. It got only 70 signatures.
Bald For Bieber
On Tuesday night, there was a thread on 4chan saying that Justin Bieber had cancer. To get his fans to shave their heads, the hashtag #BaldForBieber was made. They started to photoshop fake tweets from Entertainment Tonight, from Justin himself and even a few of his famous friends. They also started posting comments on his 'puking video' claiming that he was puking because of the chemotherapy. A fake email from a supposed doctor and a fake medical chart that confirms that he was positive for Leukemia was forged by the team. So far, all the buzz surrounding the hoax, was by the 4channers themselves. But by Thursday, real people started to actually get into it. That's when it really shot off like crazy. As of Friday morning, a bunch of news outlets had reported that it was a hoax and it was kind of out there now. Everyone knew it was fake. The original people behind the operation even got a Cease and Desist Letter.
But, after 3 days of hard work, they did a pretty good job though.
In 2006, a pandemic spread across the world. Extensive research from the CVC revealed that the Habbo Hotel Pool was the point of origin, likely after someone jacked off into one of the filters. Since then, a band of unlikely heroes has worked tirelessly to keep the people safe. To close every pool.
It all started on July 12th. The plan was simple:
- Create an account
- Make an avatar; full suit, dark skin, big afro
- Log in, and block the pool
Hundreds flooded in to block the ladders and prevent players from catching The aids. They arranged themselves into the standard health and safety swastika formation. The mission was an overwhelming success. No one could get into the pool. But then, another threat emerged.
On September 4th; Steve Irwin, a well-known animal fighter, was killed by a stingray. Provoked and en-masse, intel indicated that many more stingrays were headed for the Habbo Hotel pools. Now the pool was filled with aids AND stingrays, and most likely those stingrays also had aids.
Operation September 11th was launched, and once again our heroes marched towards the pools. But it wasn't just the Habbo Pool that had people worried. Recruitment was at an all-time high. Pools were being shut down left and right. It looked as if our heroes could really achieve a permanent pool shutdown. But then, things took a sharp turn. The racist mods had arrived. They were determined to keep the pool open even though they knew the risks. Bannings left and right.
This wasn't a war. This was a massacre.
Hundreds of avatars were lost. But our heroes were not giving up so easily. If they couldn't take the fight to Habbo.... they would take it to the streets. But just as the real-life campaign to shut down the pools was reaching it's peak, a new challanger emerged. If the mods were trash mobs, she would be the final boss. But our heroes weren't about to take it lying down. They found her home phone number and made pleas to reason, and logic. She would not listen. She knew how to make it all about her and she knew how to play the media. For months, she continued to campaign to keep the pool open.
In 2009, our brothers prepared for another raid. But they didn't know, it could be.... their last. The Racist Mods and Devs had changed the rules. They allowed avatars to walk through each other. Nothing could ever be blocked again. What followed was a series of shitty raids. Each more failed than the last and the fail gave way to infighting.
First, there was a faction of Skinheads who split away. Then The Gingers decided to make their own group. Then there was, a total communist revolution.
In 2010 things only got worse, and by 2011, it looked as though there would never be another successful raid again. These were the brother's darkest days and it was almost certain that the pools would remain open.... forever.
But then, in 2012, a ray of hope. In one quick shift of fortune, it became possible that not just the pool but the entire hotel could be closed indefinitely. The game was infested with peadophiles. Admins muted the whole game for a week. No one could talk to anyone and the playerbase sank right through the floor. But the best part was that our brothers had re-unified. The divisions of the past had been put to the side. They came together to kick Habbo while it was down and they were coming prepared. With their growth in numbers, they didn't need to block. They just had to make a large and annoying presence. And with Habbo's dwindling playerbase, it was easier than ever.
The Great iPhone Massacre
It's 2013 and the new iOS 7 is released. It was a good moment and it all went off without a hitch. That is, until 4chan had an idea. They started spreading rumours that the software upgrade made your phone waterproof and they even started making marketing materials that looked like offical Apple ones. According to these ads, advanced algorithms in the new iOS allowed the phone to detect when water was touching the circuitry. This would then trigger an automatic disconnect of the battery. Of course, this doesn't make any sense. But that didn't stop iPhone users from trying it anyway. There were a number of news stories.
They made another marketing campaign that claimed even more sophisticated algorithms allowed the new iPhone battery to be charged by simply popping the thing in the microwave for two minutes on high. They claimed that the RF transmitter which is used to connect to the radio towers could be used to absorb the micro-waves and send them straight down to the battery.
People really did this by the way. And the news picked up on it too. Now it's hard to know for sure how many of these are real or hoaxes. Some of the news reports claimed that no one actually tried this at all. However, the pitiable cries on the Apple forums say otherwise. Even the LAPD had to issue a warning after receiving a large number of distressed phone calls.
Now, how they were able to call the police, I haven't quite figured out.
The Bikelock Fugitive of Berkeley
April 15th, lest we forget. It was one of the biggest PvP battles in recent history. Redpill Alliance vs. ANTIFA Horde. Outside of the battlefield, GMs and Mods stood around doing nothing. So here's the scene;
Elven Warlock, Gypsy Spec
She attempts Snatch .... MISS
Female Pandaren Monk steps in
She uses Light Slapping .... It's VERY INEFFECTIVE
A neutral NPC, Sean, is keeping everyone calm, there will be no fight today
But then .... A Rogue comes forward
He pops out of stealth, BOOM! CHEAP SHOT!
900 Critical Damage and stunned for two seconds
Oh yeah, a Level 90 Bike Lock; +40 Strength with a 50% Proc Bleed Enchant
The Rogue uses Vanish and slinks back into the crowd
Sean is seriously hurt!
The masked man, presumably after finding that his bike was stolen, walked home that night. He slipped into his comfy bed and after a hard day smashing the fash, slipped into a deep sleep but when he woke up in the morning, something was off. His phone was going absolutely bananas. During the night, /pol/ was working busily. They saw what had happened and they were outraged by it. They unholstered their autism and aimed it squarely at the masked man. They broke down every bit of footage they could. They compiled it all, they found this man who matched EVERY detail.
Eyes? Blue. Match.
Height? Approximately 15 Starbucks Ventis. That's a match!
They started superimposing his face to confirm. Match.
They used facial recognition software. Match.
And then footage surfaced, where his mask slipped off.
Next they would start compiling information, his social media, address, phone number, employment. Turns out he's a teacher's assistant at a local univsersity specialising in ethics and moral philosophy. Ironic.
All of this information was forwarded to the police, employers were contacted. The employers made a statement, then they scrubbed his name from their staff profiles. By now he was getting spooked, he went silent on social media and into hiding. Major publications follow up and start printing his name. Wanted posters went up and citizens were reporting sightings.
Mission success. Another name to add to /pol/'s ANTIFA database.
Smash The Stone
Now we talk about Operation: Smash The Stone. April 2017. It's 9gag's ninth birthday. They want to do something big. Bold. Sedimentary. Their idea: a 24-ton, 4.5 metre high limestone monument. On it, the nine most 9gag-est memes they could think of, which would then be buried for future generations to find. Over six hundred thousand people chose their favorite meme from the 9gag app, and they were hand carved onto this slab. High quality, highly relevant not overplayed memes such as;
- Socially awkward penguin
- Generic smiling emoji
- Keyboard cat
The 9gag audience was incensed with funny meme laughter. To promote the monument 9gag made a video and published it to YouTube. Soon to the rest of the internet it became apparent, what was being planned. 4chan especially looked on with disgust that the future would think that this represented humanity in 2017. So the mission became clear. The hunt was on.
4chan started scouring the internet for information on its location; they poured over every frame of the promotional video. License plate! The uploader had failed to blur a license plate. The first clue, it was Spanish! The uploader noticed the comments and quickly took the video down and re-uploaded it with a blur. But it was too late. They also found out who one of the people shown in it was... a Spaniard. Okay, so that narrows it down. Next, they started Googling quarries in Spain with limestone. They found one which looked pretty similar in Almería. Taking to Google Maps, they started scanning for the patterns of the mountains they followed the roads, cross-referenced some boulders and triangulated the bushes. And, like that they found the site.
3 hours and 54 minutes.
All right. That's phase one over so what's next? Well, no, actually nothing at all happened next. What were they going to do? Use their Neet bucks to fly off to Spain, drive out into the desert and then dig up a 24 tons stone slab? So there it remains waiting underneath the sand, the normiest possible representation of what the internet was like biding its time for future generations to find and then cringe at.
Any Poll's A Goal
2010. Pop starlet Justin Bever's at the height of her popularity. Everybody wants a piece. From all around the world people are demanding the biebs. Young women are the worst offenders, everybody had Bieber fever. But the question was, where should he tour first? His expert marketing team had a solution. They said "Hey Justin, let's put it to a poll". Vote for your country, and if you win, they'll send Bieber there. So the poll opens, and so do the threads. Useful ideas are thrown around until a good one finally emerges. Let's do it.
A strategy to make North Korea great again was devised, and only a few hours later, they were rising in the poll. It passes Sweden, Chile, Spain, lads, this is getting interesting. Colombia, Turkey, Poland are all pushed out. Just one left. Best Korea does it again. By the end of the week they were declared the winner. North Korea was waiting with open arms and everyone was celebrating. But then, the marketing team wasn't down, so they shut down the contest. Beliebers in North Korea were heartbroken.
But look, at least a valuable lesson was learnt about online polls and this was the first and last mistake ever made with them.
2012. Pitbull's marketing team has a brilliant idea. As a promotion for Walmart, they want to start an online poll. That North Korea thing, that was a mistake. So instead, they make it more local. They'll send him anywhere, but within the country.
Hah! Take that trolls. North Korea is off the table.
So naturally, the threads start, and the lads started thinking through the problem. They were listening to Pitbulls latest track "Give Me Everything" which features the line "yeah, right, picture that with a Kodak. Or, better yet, go to Times Square, take a picture of me with a Kodak". The lyrical ingeniousness of the rhyming scheme intrigues them. What could it mean? Kodak. Camera. Cameras have shutters. Shutters are also blinds. Blind? Blinding lights. Light is electromagnetic energy. Electromagnetic energy causes aurora borealis. Where can you get the aurora borealis in the United States?
Of course.... Kodiak, Alaska.
It's all linked. The remotest Walmart in the entire country. A place that was so isolated and dangerous enough, that hopefully he wouldn't return.
The voting began and Kodiak, Alaska was the clear winner. Celebrations all round. However, this time, Walmart just went "Sure! We'll give him some bear mace, he'll be fine". So he went, and he turned the whole thing completely around, and got some good publicity out of it too. Well played Mr Worldwide.
The score was one all.
Later that year Taylor Swift's marketing team had an original idea! But, they weren't going to some frozen wasteland, and they weren't going to North Korea.
"Ha! We'll go to the safest place in the whole world!"
An American school. Take that trolls, let's see you find some way to ruin THIS wholesome experience.
Over at headquarters people are already working on the problem. Their solution?
The Horace Mann School for the Deaf.
Other schools are fighting hard to win, but they're no match for the Russian bots. Soon, the competition was closed and Horace Mann had won handily. Getting nearly 25 times as many votes as the school in second place.
Trailer said, "I'm not doing it," but then gave them a check instead for a total of $50,000, and that should have been the end of it. But then....
Taylor's marketing team had one more great idea. "Let's do another poll! No, no Trailer. This time, it'll be great". KISS FM's biggest Swiftie fan in the universe competition.
"You won't have to go anywhere ridiculous. You only have to meet one fan."
Absolutely nothing can go wrong.
Enter stage left, Charles Z.
The appropriately aged fans never stood a chance. When manual voting wasn't enough, they enlisted the help of bots, quickly bringing him into first place. Soon, he had so many votes there was no way he could lose, and everybody at HQ was celebrating. But then.... someone snitched. Some kill-joy sent an email to the competition runners and explained how the voting system was being rigged. It was promptly shut down.
Charles would never meet his idol.
The CNN Skirmishes
July 2nd, 2017: Trump is browsing Twitter for some memes. He sees one about CNN and hits retweet. But over half a million likes (and many many more hurt feelings by CNN). As grown adults, how can they let it rest? They don't. They get their top investigator. Ya boy Andrew Kaczynski on the case to find the creator of the gif.
July 4: CNN had found their man, user HanAssholeSolo. CNN was able to scour through his Reddit history to find his personal Facebook. What followed was an ultimatum. Delete everything or be doxxed. In exchange for his anonymity, HanAssholeSolo purged his Reddit history and issued an apology to CNN. From here on out, he was a hostage. In light of this, CNN issued a statement;
"CNN is not publishing HanAssholeSolo's name because he's a private citizen who has issued an extensive apology. CNN reserves the right to publish his identity should any of that change."
Now CNN had squashed the one who had stung them, but in doing so, they had stirred up the hive. 4chan was not about to let HanAssholeSolo be silenced in vain. Their plan? To create so many CNN memes that tracking down any single target would be pointless.
July 5th: Their operation was a multi-stage assault. First, there was an alliance, an agreement between former frenemies. The second was a constant barrage of meme artillery. The third stage was to target the money that funds CNN by contacting their advertisers directly. The early strikes launched for CNN were through Twitter. The first, making the hashtag, #CNNBlackmail trending for many to see. And a second, getting prominent figures to tell everyone that CNN's hostage was a 15 year old boy. Even Donald Trump's own son tweeted out that the person threatened by CNN was only 15. The only way CNN can then counter this accusation was by releasing the information they had on him, which would then result in possible legal ramifications, and then being attacked further from all sides. Meanwhile, every forum, every feat, every platform was being flooded with CNN memes. As the situation escalated, Kekistani Forces went about attacking the only thing that CNN really cares about, its ratings. The strategy was simple.
First, download the CNN app, then rate it one star, then delete. Wanting to keep up the pressure, Alex Jones and Paul Joseph Watson created the first meme contest. $20,000 to whoever made the meme they liked the most about CNN. In the past, internet polls and contests were destroyed by 4chan shitposting. But now, an actual contest was born specifically for that purpose,
July 6th: Reports started coming in by reputable media sources that were covering and condemning the meme war. This attention only emboldened the forces of 4chan and Reddit, but while some were celebrating, others were scheming. Already there were rumours suggesting that CNN had got the wrong guy. Could it be possible that this whole thing was started from a mistake?
No. This was just more clever disinformation. In this manufactured fog of confusion, one final long-term plan was hatched; thousands of undercover anons would begin using universal remotes to change public televisions off of CNN to further hurt their ratings
The Shia LaBeouf Chronicles
Shia LaBeouf is an artist. He brought you such works as: watching all of his movies in a theater, back to back and wearing a paper bag. But now, he's ready to unveil his Magnum Opus. A camera feed will be up 24 hours a day, for at least four years. The media called it a triumph, the first great art of the Trump era. But, unfortunately for Shia, /pol/ appreciates art too and they wanted to express themselves on camera as well. /pol/ had one goal in mind: to take over the exhibit and trigger Shia.
By day two, Shia is getting sick of hearing about Pepe and /pol/ learned that Shia was particularly triggered by Nazi roleplaying, so it became a game to make Nazi references while he was on camera and in a rage, he sexually assaulted some dude. Off camera, because of a misunderstanding, he also assaulted one of his own supporters. The police were called to the event and Shia was arrested. He was deported back to Los Angeles the next day. Soon after, they also had to put up a fence. A wall, if you will. Now only five people at a time can come in, and they are very well vetted. But, credit where it's due, although this was not good art, Shia had created one of the most fascinating things to watch on the internet.
Capture The Flag
War has changed. It's an endless series of proxy battles fought by mercenaries and machines. After defeat on the battlefields of New York and New Mexico, Shia headed to a new hidden location. No more chanting or interaction, his latest exhibit would just be a flag waving arrogantly in front of a camera. There were no landmarks. No scenery. No clues at all to its whereabouts. It would be impossible to find and nothing could stop the broadcast. Checkmate 4chan. This would allow Shia to act smug for the next 4 to 8 years. That is unless /pol/'s agents could find a way to track it down. Challenge accepted. It was to be the greatest game of capture the flag ever.
/pol/ began organizing. They set about gathering all the information they could on the local environment: trying to match up clouds, wind patterns and ambient noise. Because it was a live stream, they could match the time of sunset to quickly discern that the flag was somewhere in the eastern timezone. That's two thirds of the country ruled out in one move. Others began looking into intel about Shia's whereabouts as it was highly likely he was present for the raising of the flag itself. As time went on, distinct noises could be heard in the background: the croaking of frogs, suggesting there was water nearby. Then, the second big break. In the distance, just faintly, two jet streams. /pol/ quickly opened a live feed of all the air traffic across the eastern seaboard but identifying these two lines would be a challenge. Meanwhile, the social media trackers found a post. At a small town dinner in Tennessee, a waitress couldn't help but brag about her run-in with Shia. It was another big break. TMZ also reported that Shia had been seen fly fishing in the area. The search was closing in on Greeneville, Tennessee. The hunt was moving much faster now. According to the aviation team, two more planes would soon be flying overhead. If they could be spotted on the live stream. /pol/ would have confirmation.
To further narrow down the search area, the aviation team stared charting all of the flight paths of spotted planes but they still needed more information. As day turned to night, they got it. /pol/'s Austronomy (Autism + Astronomy) Division used the constellations to narrow down the angle and the rough position of the camera. With this, the flight paths and some advanced trigonometry, the candidate area had been reduced way down. Further confirmation from weather satellites backed up the claim as an agent was dispatched to the scene. As he drew close, he started honking the horn, while viewers of the live stream gave feedback as it got louder. A few minutes later, target sighted. However, he couldn't just head in during broad daylight and risk Shia's wrath. Instead, he had to wait for the cloak of night. In the meanwhile, /pol/ got to work devising an infiltration strategy. A few hours later, the flag came down and a MAGA hat and shirt went up.
/pol/'s Central Intelligence Agency had managed to pull off the whole operation in just 38 hours and 14 minutes.
Shia is back and this time, it's at the FACT Museum in Liverpool. Finding it wouldn't be hard. The live feed stated where the flag was. The challenge would be breaking in and taking it. Within the hour, scouts were doing recon. Hundreds of sleeper agents on /pol/ were activated. The planning began.
Plan A: Walk in the front door, take the lift up to the roof and steal the flag. No good. Guards already disabled access to the third and fourth floor. Meanwhile, an agent stakes out the cafeteria. They learn about the museum's private security and that they're on 30-minute rotations, checking all corridors and emergency exits.
Plan B: Scale the building. The route is simple: walk into the neighbouring complex, gain access to the roof across, jump over a four metre gap, sneak by the CCTV and work around to the flag.
Meanwhile online, Shia and his friends were reading 4chan, ready to call the cops if they got onto the roof. So Discord teams ran counter-intel, posting fake news updates to the public forums.
Plan C: Another team is experimenting with a high wattage laser, to burn the flag from a distance. Obviously that didn't work.
A side quest. Operation: Shadilay. Involved a bluetooth speaker, packaged in bubble wrap, which would then be logged onto the roof. But five stories up proved to be too far to throw.
Next, Plan D: as well as Plan E and F all involved drones. One agent worked on a flamethrower assembly, another worked on a weedwhacker attachment to cut down the flag and another would simply attach a can of paint and drop it on the camera feed itself. While these three were busy fine tuning their new sex robots, the propaganda department was hard at work on MS Paint drafting artwork to rally the troops.
Plan G: Trust-Based Infiltration. All of a sudden, FACT inboxes were flooded with unsolicited resumes for internships and janitorial positions. Maybe soon, they couldn't trust their own employees. Curators of the museum were getting spooked. Already that day, they had caught someone trying to make their way onto the roof using a fake press pass.
While Plans A through G were all being debated over, three people with no plan at all were scaling the building. They discovered that the flagpole mechanism was locked in place with zip ties and they HADN'T brought scissors. They were immediately seen on the roof. Security was triggered and the police were dispatched. The three agents fled WITHOUT getting the flag but they did manage to cause quite the scene. Police did a sweep, however no-one was arrested. But it was still mission accomplished, FACT abandoned the project, the flag and live stream were taken down.
Mission Time: 25 hours. Another record.
The Walking Divided
The flag is back. Stationary camera, completely muted audio. No confirmed clues, just a white flag on a white wall. Shia has bigger concerns this time however, so his buddy Luke Turner has taken over. The flag goes live at 4pm GMT... It's time.
The first thing to determine is the source of this light. Is it a lamp or natural? Well, it's moving very slowly and its luminosity is changing. That means there's a window. Next, they wait for sunset. Sunset is 8pm GMT. That narrows down the timezone, which the agents figure out. Does Luke have a house in this area? Yes he does. Perfect. Time to do some recon. As it gets darker, it would be easier to see a light flashing through the window. Location confirmed. Some people tried to fuck with the Wi-Fi router. Hmm.... No good. And then.... Nothing really.
I mean, what's the bloody point? This is no better than uploading a still image and declaring victory. Especially for art, it's BORING. Most people lost interest. So, we're waiting.... And we're waiting.... And we're waiting.... Until, HOLY SHIT! There's a fly on the flag! People flocked back to the stream. The flag itself made for a makeshift ouija board. What was he communicating? What clues could this fly provide?
H .... D
HD? High definition. What does it mean? Of course. People like to watch television in high definition. Particularly when there's a football game or Game of Thrones or something. And when that happens, often people order food in so that they don't have to miss anything. The most common kind of delivered food.... Is pizza. That's it. Send the house dozens of pizzas!
But no, this is where it ended. Shia won this time as no one was brave enough to break and enter.
The Tumblr-4chan War of 2014
It began with a Tumblr post. A declaration of war that read;
"Join us on July 4th to celebrate our freedom and independence from racists by shutting down 4chan."
The post spread and soon, Tumblr's army was preparing for war. First, let's examine these two states. Tumblr: they are one of the world's largest online armies. They are over 300 million bloggers strong. And 4chan is- Well let's just say both sides are pretty retarded.
Soon, the 4th of July had arrived. Tumblr's infantry quickly penetrated 4chan's territory. They published posts all over the /b/ and /pol/ boards. Puppies, selfies and feminist memes sprung up everywhere. The assault was, extremely ineffective. After less than an hour, Tumblr decided to retreat. But this was by no means the end of the conflict. Tumblr had kicked the hornets nest. /b/ was roused and ready for a fight. On mass, they headed straight for Tumblr's homebase. Porn, gore, and anti-feminist memes were spread across some of the more popular tags. Unprepared Tumblr users were being triggered from every direction.
Alright, gather around, it's time for a lesson on what not to do if you get raided by 4chan:
Lesson 1 - Don't spam the tags with your own selfies.
Some Tumblr users thought they could compete with the spamming posts by submitting their own selfies over and over again. They soon found that 4chan sees these selfies, shopped them into hardcore porn and then spammed them back onto the tags in greater number.
Lesson 2 - Don't delete system 32.
During the raids, someone pretending to be a Tumblr user posted an info-graphic instructing that the only way to defeat 4chan was to delete system 32. A reported 41 computers were bricked.
Lesson 3 - Don't start a petition.
Someone created a petition on change.org to get 4chan shut down. They managed to get about 900 signatures. So, in response, 4chan made their own petition. It managed to get about 10 times as many signatures.
The only thing you can do really is to log off and wait for it to be over. Thing is, it took Tumblr 2 days to figure this out. The casualties were enormous; 40+ hours of wasted time, 500 hurt feelings and literally thousands of triggerings. But before we close the history books on this event, it's time to look at one more thing: a conspiracy. It is now widely believed that /pol/ was behind the original Tumblr post that called for war. The conspiracy goes something like this:
- Trick Tumblr into provoking /b/
- Have the two of them war it out
- Sit back
- And watch the fireworks