One of the various curses of man and lesbians' existence, the ex-girlfriend has plagued man since he learned to responsibly enjoy safely supervised group activities. Though there is some speculation as to what good (if any) the ex-girlfriend serves, experts agree that she-who-must-not-be-named is an integral, though unwelcome, part of human existence and not likely to go away any time soon, no matter how hard one wishes she would get hit by a bus or get eaten alive by a pack of rabid wolves.
Am I In Danger of Having an Ex-Girlfriend?
If you're a male or female age 12-200 and enjoy "sexual relations" with women, then yes, you are a prime candidate for having at least one ex-girlfriend at some point in your life. While most males are typically suspected of having ex-girlfriends, note that this does not apply to all males, with salient examples being cartoonists, hairdressers, Wikipedia editors, or Catholic Priests.
Could You Explain To Me What Exactly an Ex-girlfriend is?
As a rule, one cannot have an ex-girlfriend without first having a girlfriend. Sometimes, girlfriends may attain higher levels of being, becoming ex-fiancees or the dreaded and sometimes fatal ex-wife.
Ex-girlfriends exist in all human cultures across the globe, knowing no bounds, unless the bound in question is gender. An ex-girlfriend, by definition, cannot be male, even with extensive surgery. For example: if two men are engaged in an unholy and perverse sexual relationship, and then they part ways (amicably or otherwise) neither of the two men can be considered an ex-girlfriend, they must both, despite the negative connotations for their eternal souls, be considered ex-boyfriends, though it is not beyond the pale to suggest that one or both may refer to themselves or other associates they know as girlfriends, though this is inconsiderable, especially in Kansas.
How Do I Get an Ex-girlfriend?
Typically, an ex-girlfriend is acquired following a predictable set of events.
- Get a girlfriend.
- Have yourself some sexual relations (if you're a devout Christian, or just a ninny, skip directly to step #3)
- Treat her badly and she'll dump you for being an ass, or treat her well and she'll dump you for being boring.
- Have "a talk," or simply ignore her until she "gets the point" (this may result in her calling you excessively, crying, making several pointless announcements of her "feelings" like "confusion" and "sadness", all of which are actions that add a great dramatic flair to the breakup and afford you the opportunity to tell everyone you know that she's crazy and stalking you).
And there you go: one spanking new ex-girlfriend, all greased and ready to go.
Will my Ex-girlfriend Come Back?
It depends. There are two major types of ex-girlfriends:
- Little Miss Independent: Little Miss Independent, or LMI, tends to dwell in urban areas, is well traveled, and has one or more university degrees. Her strong interest in sex is confounded by the fact that she must waste time with men in order to get it, because her collection of vibrators and bad white jazz music just won't do the trick. Therefore, males may find themselves suddenly and temporarily associated with an LMI (where she represents a nominal girlfriend of a male-female dyad) whilst she sets her sights immediately on finding another man to fill the void between her legs and accompany her to insipid social events.
- Once the LMI gets bored, changes her mind, has a bad day at work, reads a suggestive Horoscopes horoscope, watches a clip of Dr. Phil's brainless pontification on empowerment, listens to any of her gay male or female friends' advice, discovers a new man (see cheating for more on this complicated subject), or just has a passing whim, she will suddenly and inexplicably transform from girlfriend to ex-girlfriend. She will typically offer no justification for this action, least of all to the boyfriend who has distracted her like a shiny object. LMIs will continue this behavior until their early to mid-30s. At this point, even the most oblivious LMI will eventually realize they are rapidly losing their appeal. At this age, LMIs are forced to settle for a man whom they wouldn't have given the time of day to a decade ago, and live out the rest of their lives in bitter despair. During this time, they may re-discover their vibrator collection and, most certainly, horrible white jazz.
- Will she come back? Did you not read the previous paragraph?
- Psychotic Emotional Terrorist: Psychotic Emotional Terrorists, or PETs are more common than LMIs, and may be found in any environment. Through lavish attention and devoted clinging, the PET is quite capable on her own to become a ready-made ex-girlfriend, when the man (the boyfriend) is driven insane by her inability to shut up, the innumerable mood swings, emotional breakdowns, irrational tantrums, and general wackiness exhibited by the PET. Make no mistake, most men have endured a PET experience and stayed in the relationship despite early signs such as her holing up in her apartment and crying for 3 days straight or warnings like, "Hey dude, your girlfriend is really FUCKED in the head. Dump her already." The simple reason you didn't get out earlier is because she fucks you like you've never been fucked before (or because you have never been fucked before, in which case she may only fuck you emotionally, and still leave you a virgin). She's an incredible nymph that fucks you at any time, anywhere. If this persists and even becomes an annoyance in my experience restraining orders are a perfect way to get the message through to her.
- However, rather than being free of the attentions of the PET after she attains ex-girlfriend status, the male may find the PET will simply not go away, and may be forced to endure repeated phone calls, pet kidnappings, thrown crockery, the works of G.K. Chesterton, and slashed tires.
- Will she come back? Without fail, monsieur.
The Typical Aftermath
Most ex-girlfriends tend to let out their anger throughout a few well known routes:
- Petty vandalism: This is relatively rare with ex-girlfriends with whom you had a semi-decent relationship, but can include smearing of faeces on doors and crudely fashioned posters with small penises depicted.
- Random outbursts: This includes mood swings between being 'mature' and being very very very very very 'unhinged'. These outbursts can appear at anytime without any provocation. Claims to money and/or friends are not uncommon.
- Ridiculous Threats: These can vary from the eternal "my friends are going to break your legs!" to the plainly cruel claim that she gave you an imaginary STD. The latter is only funny if you've had relations with her mother recently too. The former isn't funny.
- Violent SMS: A prime example of this as kindly donated by an ex I happen to know is:
|“||I see you've decided to keep up the cold front. That's fine. I don't have feelings for you anyway, I think you trampled them out of me. Have a nice life, I hope someone breaks your ugly, twisted little heart one day soon. At least you helped me achieve that before I hit 21.||”|
Well on the bright side of this text, the line "I hope that someone breaks your ugly twisted little heart one day soon." leads me to believe that she won't mind that I pulled her best friend last weekend...
- Hate Mail: Where the ex-girlfriend in question sends you an email or (less commonly) a letter describing her intense hatred for you and detailing every last negative thing she can remember or fabricate about you. It is also not uncommon to read vast exaggerations of penis size, or to read declarations that you inspired her to become a lesbian. This is a method usually employed by the PET type of ex girlfriend in an effort to piss you off. This method is also typically re-employed at a moment's notice and without provocation. (See Harassment)
How Do I Avoid Getting an Ex-girlfriend?
Fortunately, there are several FDA-approved methods of avoiding acquiring an ex-girlfriend. These include, but are not limited to:
- Knitting (This has actually been proven to be false. Knitting can be a factor in completing the first step towards getting an ex-girlfriend)
- Hiding in a closet with your single guy friends.
- Video games (the side effect being that it will leave you without a girlfriend, period)
- Cheeseburgers, cheeseburgers, cheeseburgers!
- Just be honest with her silly; no one will want to date you if you're honest and speak what's on your mind, the cornerstones of any good relationship are lies, fear and secrecy.
- Try poverty, America's most effective contraceptive. Unemployment will protect you, but only if your single, nor will it save you from any crazy chicks still willing to date you without having a job.
- Marry your girlfriend, so to actuate a metamorphosis in her status making her to be your wife, and then divorce getting at least an ex-wife.
How to get rid of her
- Tell her you have been hiding the fact that you could possibly be her brother, and can't bear it anymore.(Caution:has reverse effect on redneck/hillbilly women)
- Tell her that you are gay, not friendly gay, just mean gay; like you aren't allowed back at certain night clubs or nude gyms anymore because of restraining orders. Make sure to insult her sense of style too.
- Tell her that she's gay and was just too stupid to figure it out on her own. You've found just the girl for her, you've already tested her out in the bedroom and she's a real pro, literally.
- Join the military or get thrown in prison, forcing someone to cohabitate with their ex is banned by the Geneva convention as torture and is considered cruel and unusual punishment even by dictatorships.
Or you can just do what I did..
- 1: Burn her house down, and rescue her from it.
- 2: When she cries and thanks you for "saving" her life, she will invariably ask you "Is there anything I can do for you? Anything at all?"
- 3: Ask "3 hours of nookie, then delete my phone number and move to Arkansas, I could really use the extra space."
And yes, in case you're wondering I am mentally unhinged, and this is my way of dealing with my unhealthy serial murder fetish; by confidently voicing my thoughts on this website which instead of identifying me as severely insane...thinks my little anecdote is funny.
Some people are as yet unfamiliar with quite exactly how the adjective of Dumping your girlfriend came about. On gaining a new ex-girlfriend you may expect to lose some DVDs that you really don't care about. Shallow Hal or Transformers for instance. But... when the bitch inexplicably takes off with your Full Metal Jacket, that's when you realise that you should have tapped her on the head and actually dumped her in a ditch. Thanks a bunch Rachel. Stay out of my way, and I won't cut your new puppy's head off ok?
Another approach to the dumping would be to just move out of home into hostel far far away so that you can come up with the excuse of a long distance relationship never working out..... Reality of the matter is that you're just fed up of the bitch and found hotter girls in your college...... Enjoy Paru darling, hopefully you've been laid by someone else by now!!!