Windows 7
“Ah, Windows 7. After the mother of all errors and the father of all lagging, we have a fucking Vista ripoff. That's exactly what an average user needs now, yeah.”
“Windows 7 I do not have. A piece of shit Windows XP is!”
Windows 7, codenamed "This Time We Swear We'll Do It Right", is the next version of Microsoft Windows after Windows Vista currently being developed and tested by Mongolian outsourcers. Its build number is 7000 following the Microsoft policy of "Move the Decimal Place Three Places to the Right" in order, so it is said, to make the product appear more progressed than it actually is...
As can be seen below, this crisis has had many implications:
Built-In Viruses[edit]
Windows 7 boasts a wide array of inbuilt applications, notably thousands of viruses. The following excerpt is taken from a pre-production box: "Now with preinstalled worms right out of the box, Windows 7 allows you to truly get on with your life, meaning that you no longer have to update your system's security, including keyloggers that keep your identity secure (read the terms and conditions) so that you don't have to!" Mr Billy Rubin, the inventor of Windows, reportedly made this move after he was sued by the creators of the infamous W32 Blaster. He stated in a recent interview, "It's for the best, really, because it means you will be disconnected from dial-up connections every 15 minutes, which will save pay-as-you-go customers a lot of money. It's ingenious technology!"
"Smart" Defragmenter[edit]
Since Microsoft was sued by data recovery companies for being too stable - and thus threatening competition - Windows 7 will mean that it is effortless for users to maintain their hard drives. Specifically, any data saved will eventually spontaneously disappear. Some critics have posed the argument that this is "barely a revolutionary idea, as it already happens in Vista 98.754% of the time".
Windows 7 in 2012[edit]
Easter eggs[edit]
By entering into run "noguibsod" you enter a special mode in which you can stop the BSOD from registering software conflicts before it's too late!
The "new" logo[edit]
The Microsoft Windows Developer Team has decided to go back to basics with the logo for Windows 7. The new logo looks strangely familiar to anyone who has been using computers since the 80's, but no one could put a finger on where it originated from. Then, finally, someone realized it was an updated version of the Windows 3.1 logo. What innovation and creativity!
"Smart" Defragmenter[edit]
Since Microsoft was sued by data recovery companies for being too stable - and thus threatening competition - Windows Hitler will mean that it is effortless for users to maintain their hard drives. Specifically, any data saved will eventually spontaneously disappear. Some critics have posed the argument that this is "barely a revolutionary idea, as it already happens in Vista 98.754% of the time".THE SUPER WINDOWS 7 DOSSSSS EDITION ( ONLY FOR ENIAC )
Dock New Taskbar[edit]
The Dock Taskbar from Mac OS X is implemented is redesigned in Windows Hitler. Microsoft brands it as "all new", but it looks like someone has done it 8 years ago.
Apple Logos[edit]
Apple also sued Microsoft because "Redmond started his photocopiers". Therefore, they now have a market share in Microsoft and have decided to emblazon it with Apple logos in eye-catching locations, as they do in the iTunes visualiser.
Gamers sued Microsoft, complaining that Vista's graphics were not much of an improvement in comparison to XP's, despite the DOS Aero interface. Thus, Microsoft have now switched to a sleek graphical user interface, pictured in the exclusive screenshot below:
Microsoft says the interface is "nerd-friendly" thanks to the large taskbar and obvious start button. Note 'bhen chhod bhaynchod' is the Indian translation of 'start'; this is one of the languages featured in the Microsoft DPE or Destitute Persons' Edition, which has been labelled a "boom-take". The default DPE wallpaper is a beautiful panoramic shot of the modern Indian landscape, also shown in the screenshot.
Windows 7 still has Aero and it looks almost the same high quality glass themes like in Vista.
Inbuilt Games[edit]
Billy Rubin promises that the new preinstalled games will be close to reality, a notable example being "Microsoft Virtual Kitten Huffing Simulator X 2009(C)"
New Improved Security[edit]
Windows 7 invades your neighbor's Linux and Mac OSX systems and claims them as its own. It also puts all of those legacy Windows programs in concentration camps and refuses to let them run, forcing you to buy German versions of those programs for extra money. The German versions of those programs take control of your computer and invade the Polish and French versions of Windows 7.0 using the Internet.
German is of course, the default language, and you cannot change it. MS-Office 2009 edition has Hitler as one of the Office Assistants and he ordered the execution of the Paperclip office assistant. He yells and screams at you, and you cannot make him go away unless you buy Windows 7.0 Allies Edition but you must wait for Windows 7.0 Imperial Japan edition to bomb the Windows 7.0 USA Pearl Harbor edition before the US version of Windows 7.0 enters the fight against Windows 7.0 Hitler edition.
After a few years of fighting, Windows 7.0 Hitler edition commits suicide in the Windows bunker and it is replaced with Windows 8.0 Socialist Germany EU edition with a new technopunk soundtrack and desktop theme. [1]
Clearly Windows 7 is the Master Race version of Windows, since it is superior to all other versions of Windows, it refuses to run Windows Vista, XP, 2000 etc versions of Programs. Only the Hitler or German versions of Windows programs will be allowed to run.
You cannot power off Windows 7, as it will just power the system back on. If you try to do CTRL-ALT-DEL to remove running programs all it will do is make Hitler's eyes flash. Hitler will be watching everything you do, and yell and scream at you when you do something he does not like via the Hitler Office Assistant. Gestapo is watching you. Don't you dare to type anything here; than you would be violating the BSoD EULA and your license will be revoked! According to the long haired pope, Windows 7 is the first Windows to be both open, free software and respecting the 4 freedoms nobody gives a flyin' fuck about anyway. Also, Steve Ballmer told Uncyclopedia that Microsoft doesn't need astro-turfers anymore to influence buyable opinion sites like Wikipedia; as he believes in Microsoft's own strengths. He also told my laptop is on its way and will arrive before Christmas.
Windows 7 editions[edit]
According to boingboing.net Windows 7 will be shipped in about 20 editions to suit all tastes!
Your money. Our jackpot prizes.
- Detect "non-genuine" products
- Gather user information and credit card numbers
- Cripple core system components
- Deploy legal team
- Launch civil litigation
Estimated time remaining:
Forever, or if you give me a cookie, I might shorten it to an hour.
Installing Windows has never been easiereasy
All you need to do is phone your local Microsoft Customer Representative, write down a very long set of numbers, type it all in, get an error message, phone our Customer Representative again, adjust a few things, get another very long set of numbers, type it all in again, install a few drivers, activate Windows again, lather, rinse and repeat.
Related technology:
- Apple
- MS-UNO
- MS-DOS
- .NET
- Blue Screen of Death
- Calculator
- CTRL-ALT-DEL
- DirectX
- Hotmail
- Internet Explorer
- UnNews: Microsoft unveils Internet Genuine Advantage
- Microsoft Products Online Technical Support
- Microsoft Access
- Microsoft Keyboard
- Microsoft Office
- Microsoft Outlook
- Microsoft Surface
- MS Paint
- PowerPoint
- MS Word
- Microsoft Word Paperclip
- Minesweeper
- MSNBC
- Notepad
- Registry Editor
- Total Fucking Asshole Server 2006
- Microsoft Immortal Life Support System
- Task Manager
- Windows X-Console
Windows Product line:
- ↑ http://slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=1106489&cid=26633929 Another Slashdot Comment