Why?:Do I have a drug dealer on my buddy list?

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So I was online, right, just chatting away with my friends about normal things. Porn, killing fluffy bunnies, the sad state of the world, things like that.

When all of a sudden —
Well, maybe it wasn't all that sudden, when you're online you're used to sudden things like popups and viruses and parents bursting in when you're Googling Lesbians Gone Wild 4
This guy IMs me.

He's one of those people that've migrated to the bottom of your buddy list, you know what I mean? The kind of person you may have talked to once regarding some homework assignment or other that you've never really had the balls to delete because you think having a long buddy list means you have a social life. And you don't remember why they're there. And you'd never expect someone like that to actually make contact with you again. But he did.

So he says

isllcrk88 [6:14 PM]: hey

Okay. So what have I got from him so far?

Username Seems standard enough. Bunch of random letters and two numbers: Maybe a birth year or something?
Font Default font, no webdings or any other communication problems there.
Greeting "Hey." Pretty typical. Neither suggestive nor harsh, not too formal or too friendly. Nothing to trip any alarms here. No misspellings yet, although I could be judging too soon.

Seems safe enough to proceed. I return the volley with a duplicate of his own greeting.

dctrskull1990 [6:15 PM]: hey
dctrskull1990 [6:15 PM]: refresh my memory
dctrskull1990 [6:15 PM]: whoareyou again?

Pretty quick and to the point, I thought. No sense letting things get awkward.

isllcrk88 [6:15 PM]: i was about to ask you the same thing

At this time I'm wondering why the hell he messaged me in the first place. To torture me? To weed out unnecessary names in his own buddy list? To have a chat of some kind? To seek help? And so I plowed on.

dctrskull1990 [6:16 PM]: hmm
dctrskull1990 [6:17 PM]: well how the butter c mcfucknuggets did we get on each others' buddy lists?

Then, a twist

Betta fish are so cute when they're not tearing each other apart with their mouths.

I've always loved my pet Siamese fighting fish. I remember the day I decided to get him over at PetsMart. From the moment I met him, I knew we had a bond that no one else could break. The way he banged his head against the edges of the tank reminded me of my retarded friend Leo. The very way he swam brought back memories of the time I dropped my baby cousin into the pool because my fingers were greasy with suntan lotion. He and I, we were made for each other.

He chose that exact moment to leap out of his little tank and journey beyond the realm of all things wet.

dctrskull1990 [6:18 PM]: OSHIT

After a good few minutes of panic, I manage to get the little guy back where he belongs. He's all happy and breathing again, and I'm all relieved. Then I remember I've got a conversation going on the computer.

isllcrk88 [6:19 PM]: oh yeah
isllcrk88 [6:19 PM]: you remember me maybe lol

God damn it, he's an LOL'er. Practically enough justification for a block in my world. Yet, curiosity nudges me on still further, and my eyes stay glued to the screen as he continues:

isllcrk88 [6:19 PM]: i used to slang rock back in the day

Okay, so he's lost me

So I ask for some clarification.

dctrskull1990 [6:20 PM]: wha?
isllcrk88 [6:20 PM]: slang rock
isllcrk88 [6:20 PM]: u kno
isllcrk88 [6:20 PM]: rock
isllcrk88 [6:20 PM]: white
isllcrk88 [6:20 PM]: nose candy
isllcrk88 [6:20 PM]: yeyo
isllcrk88 [6:20 PM]: jonesin
isllcrk88 [6:20 PM]: bugar sugar

I get the idea he's trying to tell me something.

dctrskull1990 [6:22 PM]: wha?
isllcrk88 [6:22 PM]: its the only reason i can think of that we were talking to each other

Then it hit me

I have a drug dealer on my buddy list.

isllcrk88 [6:23 PM]: i got a nigga with some ill chronic if your into that shit

No, I have had a drug dealer on my buddy list. For months.

isllcrk88 [6:23 PM]: if you got my sn i guess you were at some point lol

Sitting there near the bottom of the pile, beyond the limits of the buddy list window so that I never knew if he was even online or not.

isllcrk88 [6:26 PM]: you there?

A disgusting, drug-selling wreck of a human being, on my buddy list.

isllcrk88 [6:26 PM]: lol
isllcrk88 [6:27 PM]: i got some good shit that'll help you with that
isllcrk88 [6:27 PM]: lol
dctrskull1990 [6:27 PM]: STOP LAUGHING
isllcrk88 [6:28 PM]: i'm not laughing lol
dctrskull1990 [6:29 PM]: Oh Lord, what have I done?

What in the world? How is this possible? Do I have a split personality that's secretly buying crack behind my back? Maybe I've just never noticed it before because it's been too high to even talk to me. And what good is having another personality if you can't have a conversation with it once in a while?

I need to do some serious soul cleansing.

dctrskull1990 [6:31 PM]: GOD FORGIVE ME
isllcrk88 [6:32 PM]: are you drunk or somethin?
dctrskull1990 [6:33 PM]: i don't know anymore. it's possible.
dctrskull1990 [6:33 PM]: if i've been buying crack, what else might i be doing?!
isllcrk88 [6:34 PM]: i dunno

Disgusting, worthless filth. I begin to purge my conscious mind of this horrid incident by blocking the bastard. He has nothing to offer me, save for drugs. And I don't want to get chronically ill anyway.

I consider my options.

  • Beg forgiveness from a deity or two, and get on with life.
  • Sulk a little.
  • Stare in shock at the opposite wall.
  • Buy some drugs to erase the memory of ever using drugs. If that doesn't work, repeat until I can't remember even thinking about the things.
  • Stare in shock at my fish.
  • Pork fried rice with a pint of chicken and broccoli.
  • West.
  • Don't panic.
  • Work out a rational explanation for this mysterious encounter, and an even more rational plan of action.

I'm like

Sometimes, a little rational thinking can get you a long way. Apparently it didn't work for this guy.

Let's be rational.

I have a drug dealer on my buddy list.
I'm panicking.
Panicking like crazy.

I obviously suck at being a drug addict.

Real drug addicts don't freak out about this stuff. Real drug addicts don't admit they've got problems. And here I am thinking I've got this problem. Ha! Real drug addicts are way too out of it to care.

Well, that's that, I decide. If I'm going to be a drug addict, I'm going to damn well do it properly. I throw all my caring out the window. Yes! It feels good not caring any more! Ha, ha! Don't need to worry about blocking the crazy drug dealer anymore! No sir! It doesn't matter if I jaywalk anymore! It doesn't matter if I don't do my homework! It doesn't matter if I spontaneously trip old ladies with walkers in FoodTown! Or press the secret button on the sides of streets that turns the light green! I'm a drug addict, I tell ya! I can't care anymore! I'M A DRUG ADDICT!

isllcrk88 [6:55 PM]: dude
isllcrk88 [6:55 PM]: i'm jk
isllcrk88 [6:56 PM]: this is dan from youth group
isllcrk88 [6:57 PM]: remember? this is my other s/n that we made to totally freak ppl out
isllcrk88 [6:59 PM]: dude...
isllcrk88 [6:59 PM]: yt?
dctrskull1990 signed off at 7:00 PM:

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