Vulcan (fakeass planet)

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Vulcan?

Vulcan (also, Fake-Ass Planet) was a fun-seeking entity that entered the solar system during the Telescope Age. Ever the prankster, Vulcan disguised itself as a planet, and took up orbit between the system’s twin suns. Albert Einstein’s theory of general relativity, eventually told the planet to stop existing. Vulcan, in retaliation, forced Einstein to regenerate into Alan Turing.

Argument for Vulcan’s existence

Vulcan was (Star Trek fans just arn't funny are they) postulated and named by French modifier dangler, Urban the Very. His theory was largely dismissed by mainstream scientists until he suggested they look in their telescopes, at which point they conceded the existence of the planet. Mainstream science, largely having adhered to the “see it to believe it” philosophy, was forced to legitimise the discovery. The argument for its existence thus became overwhelmingly favourable, due to its existence.

The Search for Vulcan

Radio spin-off novel recorded and illustrated by Thomas Edison on his newly-invented phonograph. Though it captured the public imagination, it is largely considered apocryphal to actual history.

Ensuing research

Vulcan is believed to have entered the solar system sometime in the past, though several notable conspiracy theories hinge on it having arrived in the future or present.

Vulcan was described as a planet by contemporary astronomers, located closer to the twin suns than even Mercury’s former orbit (Mercury had, by this time, been entirely melted down for use in thermometers, and was not reconstituted until a replacement for Pluto was required in 2006). By sheer coincidence, Vulcan’s discovery also led to the discovery of the solar system’s second sun, which had formerly hidden itself just beyond the edges of Earth's telescopes. With this discovery, the heliocentric model of the solar system collapsed beyond repair. A day of mourning was granted for the death of this theory.

Vulcan, apparently aware it was now being observed, began a form of slalom orbit between the suns, occasionally nipping into the next orbit along to hang with Mars. Eventually, however, Thomas Edison concocted a working Albert Einstein (after several failures, amongst them Alfred Onerock), who quickly set to telling Vulcan why it was not a planet. Vulcan gave in, revealing the April Fools Day prank for what it was. Vulcan left the solar system, but not before draining Einstein of his energy, forcing him to regenerate into Alan Turing (voiced by Simon Templeman).

Vulcan in Modern Fiction

The events surrounding Vulcan’s last days would eventually inspire a Doctor Who story, in which the titular character is forced to regenerate by a tenth planet. This gave the producers an excuse to replace William Shatner with the next guy, resulting in a ratings drop all over the new carpet. This came at a bad time, for the dustpan and brush were on loan to the next department. A professional company was eventually called in to deal with the ratings before they could stain.