UnBooks:The Idiot's Guide to Getting Your Own Back (Ex-Wife Edition)
So you've been kicked right where it hurts, she's gone off with your children, your possessions, and all of your friends. What are you looking sad for? Don't be that helpless sod that sits at the back of the pub drinking that drink alone, you can go out and make her life a living hell with the help of The Idiot's Guide to Getting Your Own Back (Ex-Wife Edition).
Why you shouldn't worry
When dealing with Separation Issues that have come from broken down marriages, don't let these problems get you down. Having these new found issues are one of the greatest things that could happen to you. It gives you the chance to be a complete twat and make everyone's life a pain, plus you will not get blamed for being heartless. This Guide will help you accomplish this with ease.
Chapter 1: Attacking yourself
We will begin with causing harm to yourself. If you choose this method of attention seeking, you will see two notable pros. It will make her feel bad about leaving you with nothing and it will also make her think twice when she is about to leave someone else in the future, so carrying out this step will cause good for all of mankind.
However, despite the obvious advantages of causing extreme damage to yourself that could result in death, there are a few disadvantages you need to bear in mind.
- Causing self harm sometimes means blood, just think of all that extra dry cleaning you have to do.
- It could go wrong, and you could actually go all the way through with the razor and end up dead. Although this can be seen as both advantage and disadvantage.
- It is good because she will feel the maximum grief possible.
- However this is a disadvantage because you can't see her suffering.
Cutting yourself isn't the only option either, you could always forever smash yourself in the face with a hot cooking pan. It's handy because it both makes a noise, and causes damage. It is not advised to then use the pan for cooking, you may have caused third degree burns on your face, but you don't want to come down with an illness do you?
Chapter 2: Attacking the people around her
You will need:
Attacking the people around her, including that person she ran off with will put fear in her mind. She will be guaranteed to be thinking that "If I carry on hurting people, my friends will get hurt."
This concept has been in practice for years, and dates back to the crucifixion of Saint Peter. Saint Peter was believe to be crucified because of his loyalty to Jesus Christ, however this has been proved untrue. Peter was in fact messing about with Paul of Tarsus's wife, and Paul told the Romans about this. Later, both Paul and Peter were crucified, Peter for adultery and Paul for being an Informant.
Have no fear though, the Roman Empire has since been Dissolved, so there is no chance of crucifixion.
A more modern method of getting back at your ex-wife's lover is to take him to the courtyard and challenge him to a Joust. Grab the equipment listed at the beginning of the chapter and prepare to battle.
- Equip your lance and your one-handed sword (the rondel (a type of dagger) isn't needed).
- Jump to your horse, then jump on your horse.
- Take a huge run up (1000m should be adequate) and start speeding towards your opponent.
- When you get to him slam him in the face with your lance (repeat until dead).
Oh, he should of done the preparing as well, if he didn't never mind.
Chapter 3: Attacking Possessions
This chapter will deal with the possessions of your assailant, and how you can manipulate items to make their life worse than yours.
Organise a burglary on your old house
This method is great, basically you get some hired men to break in to your house and take all your ex-wife's stuff.
Make sure they take all the decent stuff, and pay them well. You may have to do your part though and get her to come out of the house, but this should be easy if you make up a believable excuse. Say to her "so I can see our child." Then take them far away and give the thieves a few hours, that should be enough time.
For added effect get the thieves to do something obvious, for example leaving the front door open, so when you get back from your trip to the park, it will be apparent that she has been burgled.
When you drop her off make sure you check out the house inside, just to see what items you'll be obtaining when you get back. However, under no circumstances do you let on you know anything about it, or indeed laugh at their misfortune.
Throw them out of the family house
This one can save you a lot of trouble in the future. If you get to kick them out first, then she will have to move in with the person that ruined your relationship.
However, complications could arise from this because she might have the child with her, this will inevitably make you the bad guy when the child grows up and you could be the subject to hate mail, rape, death by keyboard or, the worst of all, verbal abuse in the street.
Chapter 4: Attacking her image
You will need:
- Adobe Photoshop
- Some web space
Using any sex tapes that you managed to record at the time, in fact you could use any image that you have with you.
Using that sex tape, all you need to do is upload the video onto the internet, and let it get diffuse into the vast community. This will obviously work better if she does something stupid, or has a strange fetish. However, you must tread a very fine line on what to post.
On the other hand, if it shows you to have socially undesirable fetishes, don't upload it. The gains are not big enough to out weigh the losses.
If you don't happen to have a sex tape that both ruins her reputation and keeps yours intact, use any image of her to carry out embarrassment. A good tool for manipulating her image is Adobe Photoshop (box shown on upper left). This will allow you to add endless things to your picture and still make it look believable, and in the future will kickstart you on your way to making a living out of slander.
For instance you could place her in a socially undesirable place, for example in a meeting with the KKK.
Once this is done, you can distribute it around the town. For added affect, paste around 100 on the local information boards, phone boxes and animals.
Chapter 5: Attacking her
In the final chapter I will outline what you have to do when attacking her, yes, her as a person. This will give her a physical (and hopefully mental) reminder of what she has done to you.
This method however, should be the last resort, and when you are carrying this out, remember do not kill her. Not only will this ruin the point of making her suffer, but, it could get you into a bit of trouble with the law.
Ok, so where to start. You could go for the approach of just sneaking over to her, using the cover of darkness and hitting her round the back of the head with a piece of 2x4. But, how will she know it's you? Well she won't. You need to make sure she knows it's you, so that she knows she has caused you harm and upset.
A great way to carry this out is kidnap. She will see your face and will know that it's you, the only thing is an imminent jail sentence when you decide to stop this "Crazy shit, look Michael, leave me alone, I'm with Eric now".
You must have self control though, the kidnap situation could easily lead to the death of the hostage, just remember to keep calm at all times.
"When I broke up with Heather, I didn't know what to do, I was in pieces. So after I too a visit down my local library I found this book, and it worked wonders." Paul McCartney.
"One does like to read a good book when they have ended a bad relationship. It's a lot better if the book is on the subject that is troubling you." Charles Mountbatten-Windsor.
| Quasi-Featured Article (1 June 2007)|
This article was nominated to become a featured article; however, due to several votes being devoured by a Trolloc, it didn't make the cut (8.5/16). Don't let this happen again! For just pennies a day, you can prevent another travesty of this nature, or vote for other articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.