Just pennies a day
For just pennies a day you can help someone desperately in need of . . . pennies.
For just pennies a day, you can receive a photo of a young child dancing an ethnic jig of joy on top of a heaping pile of your precious pennies. And if you act now, for just a few more pennies a day you can receive a video of this to upload onto YouTube.
For just pennies a day you can feel superior to some poor sap who only makes 3 Cambodian riels a day. And while you’re at it, how about being downright thankful you don’t live in Cambodia to begin with?
For just 653 pennies a day you can get about 701 Japan yen, 20 Argentina pesos, or enough obsolete Italian lire to swim in. But please don’t delay, as the penny is subject to fluctuations in value internationally, and when you make the inevitable exchange back to pennies you may end up with a few less in your pocket. It is recommended you play it conservative and grasp your pennies tight like they were the salvaged gonads of Jesus Christ himself.
For just pennies a day you can buy a pack of gum, and you can chew that gum while glowing in the satisfaction that you have wisely spent your pennies.
For just pennies a day you can become the hottest little hipster on your block. Take off those Rolexes and diamond rings. Everyone knows that accessorizing with currency is über-chic this year.
If you take just a few pennies a day, solder them together and stack them until they reach about 10 feet in height, one day you will be able to attach a rim and backboard to it and start a brisk game of basketball played at regulation goal height. Just set one up and see so-called urban children converge in a matter of minutes. Young urbanites are all about this exciting roundball game. When you see the looks of ecstasy on their sweaty little faces you can thank me.
For just pennies a day you can mock your favorite recording artist by sending them pennies in repayment for all the music of theirs you stole online. The internet gods will smirk upon you.
For just pennies a day you can help destitute African Americans like Mike Tyson and Kanye West who are otherwise lacking in cents. 
There was once a man who robbed another man silly for just pennies a day, and after several years of this purchased a shiny new pink bicycle with a white basket and streamers on the handles. He gave it to a less fortunate girl in a country wracked with famine and misery under a tyrannical despot.
Down on your luck? By simply making me quality athletic footwear and sporty hooded sweatshirts, you too can make just pennies a day. Get to work, you barefooted deadbeat.
For just pennies a day you can support the religion of your choice and their many altruistic services to the public. However, most organized religions will remind you that their altruistic services to the public are very costly and thus they favor large paper currency and/or bank transfers a day in lieu of said pennies. These donations are fully tax deductible and not only make you feel good inside, but also guarantee you heavenly back massages in the afterlife every day for the rest of eternity.
For just pennies a day you can ride the penny horse at WalMart on end for several hours, days, or even weeks. Just think of the poor children who will pass by with no pennies, jealously watching your fun, and giddyap, cowboy.
For just pennies a day you can enhance your penis, clear your debts, re-grow your hair, purchase glamorous replica watches, meet sexy singles in your area and PROFIT.
For just pennies a day, you can have your hedges trimmed by a man who doesn't know what a penny is, giving you the opportunity to harass him for his incompetence and hatred for pennies. "It's what you ain't gettin', Pablo!"
For just pennies a day you can gradually fill a gigantic jar of pennies that would pay for a trip for two to Oahu with your significant other several years down the road if you don’t figure in the ever-escalating prices of airline tickets and imminent inflation several years down the road.
Sorry, you’re not going.
For just pennies a day you can entertain yourself in a crowded homeless shelter watching people turn their heads to the sound of clinking coins dropped by you to ground, eyes wide and hoping that you dropped anything other than goddamn pennies.
For just pennies a day you can get the FDA’s recommended daily intake of copper.
For just pennies a day you can gain the love and respect of your peers.
…But probably not love. For love you need high cheekbones and sparkling white teeth. Brush harder, bitches.
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