UnBooks:Fluffy The Murderous Cat
The deranged laugh of the cat was almost as diabolical as the noise of the chainsaw it was wielding. MIHIHIHI... The intended prey, a short, middle-aged man, slowly backed himself into the wall. He sweated like a pig at the sight of this Hell-spawned thing that planned to kill him. The creature inched closer, its chainsaw singing its homicidal tune...
MIHIHIHIHI!!! "N-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" VRRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMM!!!
Chapter 1: The Next Morning
Inspector Trousers of the Yard took a sip of his dull-tasting fair-trade espresso. Damnable Rainforest Alliance, he thought to himself; I'm putting another sugar in it next time. Media, forensics, medics and passers-by were all over the building. This was the 15th killing in two weeks. A string of these murders were occurring, all in the same manner, with similar stories told by those in earshot. He took another sip. An arm in the fireplace, a leg in the kitchen and the spleen's crammed straight up the man's bottomshaft, he thought.
While his colleagues were busy trying to keep order in the scene, Trousers remembered the last killing that happened three nights ago. A zookeeper had called up in hysterics about something he'd seen behind the chimp exhibit. Same deal. A bloody mess, limbs scattered and the victim was disemboweled... Sickeningly so. Trousers then took another sip and gathered his thoughts. This murderer obviously didn't care about being discovered. "Another wackjob who thinks he's a martyr," he said quietly to himself.
His muttering was interrupted by a colleague of his, one Inspector Belt, also of the Yard. Belt looked distressed and said, "Trousers, fingerprint testing is going to be difficult for this string of killings."
Trousers replied, "Why? It's damn near foolproof."
"There's only PAWPRINTS.", Belt said nervously.
Trousers scoffed, "PAWPRINTS?! Belt, what are you on about? You don't see animals brandishing chainsaws or drills or stupid things like that these days, do you?"
Belt calmed down a little and replied, "Well, no, but pawprints have been found at every single one of these killings. The only human prints we've ever found were those of the victims."
Trousers thought for a moment. Surely Belt was losing his marbles? One doesn't comprehend an animal of any kind going about with a chainsaw, do they? And if they do, they're often locked up in a padded box. Maybe Belt needed one. He'd been notably stressed these past few weeks due to a messy divorce. The missus took the house, kids and the dog, which was originally Belt's. She'd even had the nerve to then ask for the money to be split between them. Trousers hadn't liked her a bit. He told Belt many a time that the wench was trouble. But no, Belt would rather a padded box. Fine with me, Belt, thought Trousers.
Trousers then broke the silence and said, "Do you honestly think domesticated animals - PETS, if you will - would be going about murdering people with chainsaws, Belt? How about having a dreadful-tasting espresso with me?"
Chapter 2: Inspector Belt
Belt came home, "home" being defined as the spare room of a friend's place, due to the divorce. He had almost scraped together enough money for a place of his own. Not much more hassle, he thought, And I'll be able to have a place of my own. He missed the kids and the dog, but got to see them occasionally. He'd be able to see them a hell of a lot more, when he got his own place. His friend was out and had left a note on the bench. Off to get some fuel, it read. He had a swig of vodka to calm his nerves from the unsettling day he'd had and hit the armchair for a nap.
Meanwhile, Belt's roommate Chain was just finished paying an absolutely astronomical price for what seemed like a small amount of petrol. You'd think the Arabs would've had a gutful by now, he thought, It's almost as if the bastards keep it for huffing. Chain's thought-train was derailed by superstition - A small black cat was rubbing against his leg. He sensed something bad in the air and walked toward his car. Oddly enough, the cat followed him. Chain walked faster. So did the cat. Chain began to sweat and leapt into his car. As he tore off, the cat jumped onto the back!
Chain looked back in disbelief, wondering what in the hell the cat wanted. Normally cats piss off when you leave them alone, he thought. He averted his gaze, concentrating on the road and trying to ignore the cat. But what he heard next tested his imagination and sanity. A laugh so chillingly evil, that it made him turn around and see something so far beyond his comprehension that he feared for his life. Mihihihihihihihihi... cackled the cat.
The cat now had a wild look in its eyes. The copper eyes were now sort of a pale yellowy-green, like the inside of an avocado. Chain thought to himself, I've huffed something fucking LETHAL in my sleep. But the only thing near him that would be lethal, was black, furry, laughing like a maniac and right in front of him...
Chapter 3: Chain's Last Ride
The frightened Chain slammed on the brakes, catapulting the murderous moggy onto the street in front of him. At this point Chain had two options - Either he turned the car around and attempted to get away, or he put his foot down and attempted to flatten the beast. As the cat got to its feet, Chain made his decision. He decided he would try to get rid of the little bastard for good. "DIE, you evil creature!", he shrieked. But the cat knew it was a better killer than Chain, jumping just as the car zoomed towards it.
It landed on Chain's head and dug in its claws. Chain swerved, skidded and slided as his cranium minced with pain. The cat meowed and cackled loudly to amplify the headache. Chain took a few swings at his own head, trying to bat the damn thing off as it dug, clawed and laughed with homicidal happiness. The car was all over the place, tires screeching almost as loudly as the car's driver. Finally, one of Chain's flailing arms connected with the cat and knocked it into the back seat.
Chain then tried to get the car going straight again, before turning around to deal with his feline assailant. The cat, shaken by the blow from the strong arm of Chain, tried to wake itself up out of its grogginess. Then, when Chain got out onto the freeway, which was empty at this time of night, he turned around to face the furry fiend. The cat was now very much awake and responded by lunging at Chain's face, claws unsheathed once again. Chain felt the cat's claws digging into his eyeballs. He hadn't felt this kind of pain before. He began trying to pull the cat off, which only angered it more.
He kept pulling and the cat kept digging. All of a sudden, agony shot through Chain's brain and out towards his eyes. He screamed at a pitch he could not normally reach as he felt his world darkening. The cat let go and Chain hit the brakes and almost hit a tree. He opened the door and collapsed on the grass, realising that he could no longer see. My eyes... The cat GOUGED THEM OUT, he thought in his subconscious. It was true - Though he couldn't see it, the cat was now throwing, catching and squeezing the jelly-like marbles it held in its paws. Chain heard the laugh once more, MIHIHIHIHIHI...
He then heard the sound of a chainsaw.
Chapter 4: The Rampage Continues
Inspector Trousers looked through the "IN" pile of documents for any clue on the murders. Then, he received a phone call. "Hello? Yes. Yes, that's right. No, no. NO. NO! Yes. Perhaps. NO! No, I don't want- NO! Listen, keep your brand new internet offer, OK? No, I'm not interested. Okay, bye." Telemarketers again, thought Trousers, Blast them all. He kept ruffling through the unkempt pile of papers for anything that might explain what's going on, why that lunatic Belt thinks there's animals going about dismembering people with chainsaws and why there's a line of dead people long enough to make a bridge over the Channel.
The phone rang again. Gah, why won't they leave me the hell alone?, he thought angrily. He picked it up, ready to give whoever was on the other end a piece of his mind. "Inspector?" said the voice. "Yes?" "There's been a kerfuffle." "What is it, blast you?" "There's been another murder. Out on the freeway." On the freeway? he thought. "You sure it's not a car-crash or anything?" "No, Sir," rang the voice. "He's been left in the same condition as all the others before him." "Are you sure it's part of the string?" "Yes, Sir." "Alright, I'm on my way," grumbled Trousers.
At the scene on the freeway, Trousers met with some of the other authorities and had a look at the body. The only difference between this body and the others murdered he could note was that this fellow's eyes were missing. This man had definitely been troubled with a chainsaw to a disgusting degree. The man was unrecognisable, as far as Trousers was concerned. If this man were to be, say, anyone's roommate or friend, they likely wouldn't be able to pick him out.
But that was before Inspector Belt pulled up to investigate.
Chapter 5: Spine-Freezing Horror
Having seen his roommate in the mutilated state that he was in, Belt was on the verge of breakdown. He was popping Valiums like Pez candies. He had all of his windows barred shut, his door had a large amount of locks on it and he'd even wired his entire place with security cameras in every room. Each day, he became more and more paranoid and in fear for his life. Trousers sat in the cafe, quietly sipping (and not really enjoying) his foul-tasting fair-trade coffee and even with 3 more sugars in it, it still tasted like cooked Grue with seagull excrement all over it, as he thought about all this business.
"It was the cat, I'm telling you, the CAT!" screamed Belt before they had carried him away. That man's got more problems about him than a one-legged man on rollerblades, thought Trousers. His head must be spinning faster than a girl possessed by the devil. He took another sip. What to do, Trousers? Apparently there's a cat going about with a chainsaw killing everyone and Belt's gone mad off his rocket. Another sip. If they don't take a taser gun to the man, Hell, I'll do it myself. He tried to contemplate a cat of any sort going about with a chainsaw. He couldn't, no matter how he tried.
There was, however, someone who now had. The cat powered down the chainsaw and prepared to make its exit. Hmmm, perhaps I shall use an axe next time, the creature thought to itself, This fat guy made a bit too much mess and it'll all get caught in the chainsaw works. "Mihihihihihihi!" the cat then laughed aloud as it left. After all, who's going to expect a CAT, right? It strolled around the corner, into the night.
Meanwhile, Belt sat alone in the dark confines of his sealed-up house. He'd comtemplated many things today. Suicide, maybe? Nah. It won't help anyone else. I have the kids to think about. He stared into space, his eyes beginning to fuse out, for he'd not blinked since lunch. But... Would they want to see their old man in this condition? Was it that wench I married who drove me to this? No, no it wasn't... A grimace appeared on his face. It was that damnable cat. He held the piece of fur that he'd secretly recovered from the crime scene, his roommate Chain's deathbed. Belt needed revenge.
Chapter 6: Paths Converge
Chief Y. Fronts sat at his desk, wondering where in the hell Belt was. At least Trousers has a degree of sanity left, he thought, Though, all that sugar he's putting in his coffee might turn him loony someday. The door opened and in strode Trousers. "Morning, Sir," he said. The Chief replied, "Morning, Trousers, how was your coffee?" Trousers snorted and grumbled, "Let's not go there, shall we? I'm up to 6 sugars and still not much of a change." "Heavens, Trousers, no wonder you've so much energy these days. I don't want to open the paper one morning, to find you've gone running through the mall naked, screaming BOOP! at everyone."
He handed Trousers a folder with the latest murder in the string's details enclosed. "Once you see this man's mess, you'll come crawling back to your coffee, I'm sure." KEH! Nothing will make me crawl back to damned Rainforest Alliance coffee, thought Trousers, Actually, running through the mall naked and shouting BOOP! at everyone sounds more like something Belt would do... Then he'd finally get that padded room he's yearned for. Trousers chuckled to himself and exited the room. The Chief could only wonder what was on the man's mind.
Belt sat alone in his dark fort of a house, watching the news. Another murder, same as the others, he thought, I shall look a right pillock if this cat goes unnoticed for much longer. Trousers won't find a thing on it, because he lacks attention to detail. Most of his work is flat guesswork. He sighed angrily to himself. No-one believed him about the animal. But, he had the proof. He'd secretly recovered a piece of fur a little way down the road from Chain's final resting place, now surrounded with yellow tape and curious drivers slowly throttling by.
But if he took it to the Chief and asked for some researching to be done, he'd be ridiculed. Laughed at. Dishonoured in every way imaginable. Blast it, I'll do this myself, thought Belt, I'm going to find this little monster and give him Chain's thanks. Then, for the first time in three days, he left his stronghold and went outside to the petrol station where Chain had gone, to search for the beast that killed him. If one needs something done properly, he thought, He does it his bloody self.
Chapter 7: Belt Versus Fluffy
Belt finished filling his car, albeit not much, because of the criminal price. Chain kept grumbling about this, he thought, Him and 40 million other people in the country. He went inside to pay for the petrol and came out again. Then, he noticed a cat rubbing up against his car. A small, black cat. Wonder if...? He started to think, before breaking off the thought. I'll follow it. The cat saw him and trotted down the street. Belt got into the car and slowly tailed it.
The caw turned and glanced at him, then trotted faster. It made a left around the corner and Belt followed. Then, noticing the car was still behind it, the cat ran into the local abbatoir. Weird, thought Belt, An animal going into a killing floor is like a serial killer just walking into a police station and asking for handcuffs. Intrigued, he got out of his car and wandered in. It smelt of the horrible stench of dead meat and Belt thought to himself, Surely, a cow or pig deserves a better place to die than here.
He covered his nose. Gah, this is far too much! How can that cat stand it here? he thought. Then, he heard an odd noise. He listened closer. Mihihihihihihi... It sounded like some kind of laugh. Wow, they sure love their work here, mused Belt. He followed the laugh. Mihihihihihihi... He came closer to the door. Mihihihihihihi... He reached for the handle. MIHIHIHIHIHIHI... He turned it. MIHIHIHIHIHI!!! It opened and he slowly walked in. Nobody here, he thought. He turned around to leave, but then he saw the cat blocking the way out. "MIHIHIHI!!!" it cackled, as Belt's eyes widened in disbelief. Jesus Crap! he thought, amazed. This... This is... THE CAT!!!
Meanwhile, Trousers slipped the folder into his jacket. Wonder if Belt's right? He shook his head. No, no, no. I should stop putting in so much sugar - It's giving me ideas.
Chapter 8: Dead Meat
The cat moved closer to Belt, laughing like a hyena on nitrous oxide. Belt inched back, away from the thing that gave the impression that it wished to kill him. Belt gritted his teeth. Here it is, he thought, Here the little bastard is. The cat lunged. Belt ducked as it flew over him. Belt turned around and looked for something on the killing floor that was sharp and would help him. The cat decided not to give him time. It lunged again, now aiming for Belt's knees. Belt jumped and landed on its tail. "REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOWW!!!" shrieked the cat. Now, I'm pissed! Why'd you have to go and do that? thought the cat.
Belt stared the maniacal critter down. This'd be what Chain saw in his car, he thought, He was always a superstitious type. The cat gave him an angry hiss and ran towards him. Belt responded with a huge kick to the cat's face. The cat rolled and tumbled into the wall on the other side of the room. "Now, you little monster," began Belt, digging out a knife from one of the carcasses, "You and I need to have ourselves a little talk. That was a very naughty thing you did, Mr. Cat..." The cat flashed a smirk and its eyes turned a pale yellowy-green.
Meanwhile, Inspector Trousers marvelled at the mess that the murderer had made of the man laying on the floor. Disgusting. It sounded better on paper, he thought, shaking his head. Still, it looks better than that coffee. Maybe I should order a cup of mutilated fat-man's corpse at the cafe tomorrow, just to see their reaction... He chuckled at the thought, then called in the cleanup crew. In the back of his mind, he wondered what Belt was up to right now. He had no idea that Belt was closer to the killer than he was.
Mihihihihihihihihi... The cat smiled with contempt at Inspector Belt. Belt flushed with anger. "Keep that up and I may have to skin you, you little beast of the devil." Skin me? My fur doesn't really work as a coat in this rainy weather, does it? mused the cat. Belt charged at the cat and prepared to punt it across the room. The cat only just managed to dodge and jumped and gave Belt's features a nice big scratch. Belt screamed and cursed as his face burned. "You... YOU LITTLE VERMIN!"
Chapter 9: The Fur Will Fly
Belt and the cat circled each other slowly. He could see the creature's killing intent in its yellowy-green eyes. Funny, they weren't like that when I initially saw them. Weren't they copper? The cat gave a toothy grin. It looked ready to lunge again. Belt decided to move first, charging the cat and reaching for its tail. The cat, caught unawares, let out a REEEEEEEEEOW of pain as it felt its tail being stretched by the strong hands of the human. Grrr... You're lucky you don't have a tail, fella, thought the angered cat, I'm guessing you're the buddy of one 'o my victims. Did your mother ever tell you not to jump off the same cliff your friends did?
Meanwhile, the cleaning crew scoured the entire building as the rotund victim lay mutilated on the ground. It's looking a little better now, thought Trousers, They'll have cleaned up all the cat ha- he stopped. Cat hair? Why on Earth would there be... Either Belt's not completely mad after all, or some rat-catcher's come in looking for a meal. Likely the latter. He went outside to look for somewhere to get a drink. All he could find was a cafe with God-damned Rainforest Alliance coffee. Curses, upon curses, upon black magic, upon curses, he thought.
Belt, still holding the cat's tail, lifted it and swung it around in a circle. The cat was so disoriented, it almost didn't notice when it was thrown into the wall. By now, nor did it care. All it focused on was trying to find an opportunity to floor this human and finish him off with the axe he'd brought. Just minimising the mess a little, it thought as it struggled to its feet. Belt watched it shake itself out of its trance. This tiny cat thinks it can overpower me, he thought, Most creatures would run for the hills by now.
The cat, angry, damaged and filled with inconsolable rage, cursed the man standing on the other side of the killing floor. All Belt heard was hissing. A lot of hissing in different tones and pitches. You, fella, should be chopped liver by now, it thought, And so you will be... Very soon... Mihihihihihihihi... Belt looked into the yellowy-green eyes of the killer cat and frowned angrily. Alright, kitty, I'm losing my patience with you...
Chapter 10: Murderous Laughter
Trousers sipped his coffee wondering why there'd been cats roaming the crime scene. They eat human insides? Nope. He wondered how they'd find the place - it was a long way from anywhere. They know whenever something interesting happens? Eh, not likely. He then wondered if Belt would ever come to his senses. I'd rather put my faith in cats going about with chainsaws, than THAT. Another dreadful sip of dreadful coffee. He tried to think, but the sugar was powerful. How did Belt honestly think a PET would fit in? Trousers shrugged, put down his coffee and exited the cafe.
Belt once again charged at the little beast that was his opponent for the day. It jumped and landed square on his head. Mihihihihihihihi! sang the insane creature. It dug its claws in, as it had done to the man's roommate and tried to pull his hair out. Belt yelped in pain and in one quick reflex, pulled the cat off his head and threw him a short distance away. The cat landed on its feet and lunged again. Belt ducked, turned around and kicked the beast. It let out a sharp noise, pivoted and dove into his stomach. Belt felt the surprisingly large impact (From such a small creature) and reeled back on his heels.
The cat then backed off and dove into one of the carcasses. Belt waited. Not backing down on me now, are you? he thought. The cat most certainly wasn't backing down, as it jumped out, brandishing a small fire axe it had hidden inside the carcass. Belt, shocked but not surprised, thought, That's why you led me here, eh? So you could stick that in my head? The cat flashed a grin of intent, then a wide smile followed by loud, chilling laughter. MIHIHIHIHIHI!!! Belt prepared himself. Perhaps he could turn that instrument on its small, furry wielder.
The cat charged towards him. Belt hopped out of the way and tried to grab the axe off it, but the cat was too fast. It parried and scampered around behind Belt and as Belt turned around, he didn't expect to see the cat flying towards him. THUNK! Belt felt an unusual kind of pain. A pain of... defeat, perhaps? he thought. He was correct, as the blood dripped slowly down his cheeks from his forehead. The axe was buried deep in the man's skull. The last thing Inspector Belt of the Yard heard, was evil, twisted, murderous laughter. MIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIIIIIII!!!
Chapter 11: No Padded Rooms
Trousers could not believe his eyes and ears. There lay Belt, dead and chopped into sections. This was far cleaner a cut than the previous murders, illustrating that the killer had chosen a new tool. The thing that disturbed Trousers the most, was that the abattoir staff were telling him it was a small, black cat. Was Belt... right? Or is everybody going bonkers? he wondered. A cat going about with something like an axe, or a sword, by the look of the cuts. He scratched his chin in confusion. The Chief, standing next to him, said, "Trousers, what do you make of this?" He didn't know. He just didn't know.
Trousers asked for a description, wondering if that would help. "Black cat, small, slender, yellow-ish eyes, no collar, likely a stray," said the Chief. Trousers was silent. He'd found black hair at this crime scene, as well as some of the others. He tried playing different scenarios in his mind. None stuck with him. He tried to picture a cat killing someone with an axe. He couldn't. Suddenly, one of the staff came up to him, holding a tape recorder. "Um, Inspector, if it helps, I recorded something we heard coming from that room just before we checked it out." He handed Trousers the recorder. Trousers said, "Thank you. Maybe it will shed some light. We can only hope so."
They came back to the Yard HQ, where they put the recorder's contents on. They heard something utterly strange, almost like a laugh. MIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHI!!! said the recorder. At first, they didn't know what to think. But when they'd heard it a few times, they found it suitably sinister and cat-like. The description had matched millions of stray cats in the country, but this laugh... To Trousers, it sounded like it was beckoning him. Daring him to come and find the owner of the voice. Pursue me, it told him, And you'll end up like your friend. He thought of Belt and his suspicions of the pawprints. The pawprints... That's it!
After all the silence, Trousers finally spoke. "Chief, did Belt mention pawprints at a particular scene?" The Chief, puzzled, replied, "Uh, yes. The one with the small, middle-aged fellow. Why?" Trousers snapped his fingers. "Take me there, Chief. We need samples of those as well. They'll be unique!" The Chief smiled. You, Trousers, have had far too much over-sugared coffee. But you just may be onto something. He finally replied, "Consider it done."
Chapter 12: Pursuit
Trousers and the Chief pulled up at the scene where Belt had mentioned the prints. Trousers chattered excitely as he looked around and dusted everything, with the Chief not really understanding Trousers' ruckus. Unknown to them, however, was the murderous cat itself. It sat on the roof of a nearby building, watching them and their feeble efforts. "Mihihihi," it laughed quietly to itself. Look at those fellas down there. They think that raiding the place again is going to make a difference. I'm a CAT. There are millions of black cats around that look just like me. And even if they find me, they can't catch me anyway. Bored, it turned around and leapt away, wondering who its next victim would be.
"Ah! Chief, have a look at these," exclaimed Trousers. The Chief came to see. The dusting revealed a series of pawprints leading away from where the body had been. "That's him, for sure," said the Chief, "Good thinking. We can rip out that bit of floor, or we can get a photo. Which one?" "Rip out the floor," said Trousers, "That way we've got the real thing, just in case the little monster figures out how to use Photoshop or something." That'd be entertaining, thought the Chief, who chuckled to himself. It'll draw a moustache on one of our police dogs.
They returned to the headquarters with the tile they'd taken out and showed the forensic team. They immediately got down to business. "Let's see, yep, these pawprints roughly match the description of the cat's size... Okay, identifying... Got it. Name is Fluffy. Creative. Gender is male. Previous owner, died three weeks ago. Funnily enough, he was the first killing in the string. Think Belt might've had something here, fellas." Trousers and the Chief looked at each other. Bingo, they thought in unison.
Trousers asked, "So it would've killed its owner and started the rampage then and there... But why? Actually, now that Belt's dead, I don't really care why anymore. We just need to exterminate this critter, don't we?" The forensic head said, "It'd be best. There isn't much hope of sending him to an animal shelter - he'd destroy the place." Hmmm... So where could we find him? thought Trousers. He then got an idea and asked, "So where was Belt's roommate last seen alive?" "The petrol station near the freeway. I'd imagine Belt went there too," said the forensic head.
Chapter 13: Closing In
Fluffy had just finished dusting off another pathetic human. I did a good job to pick the axe. Not much mess, which means less chance that they've got a lock on me. They probably do anyway, but... He stopped for a second and smiled. That won't matter for nothin' when those inspectors are like this guy. Mihihihihihiii... He licked the blood off his axe, swished his tail, laughed out loud and left the place. He was confident that Trousers wouldn't snag him. A guy questions the sanity of somebody who believes cats go around killin' and stuff, even when it's true.
Trousers and the Chief were sitting across from the petrol station drinking their horrible fair-trade espressos. "So, Trousers," asked the Chief with curiosity, "Do you think we'll be able to see Fluffy from here?" Trousers replied, "Perhaps. The man behind the counter tells me that the cat is always hanging around that place. Rubs up against the legs of random people. Told me that he rubbed up against Belt and his roommate too. That must be the You're about to die signal." The Chief thought to himself, Some signal. Strays don't normally warm up to you like Fluffy does...
They each sipped their espressos and thought some more, almost communicating telepathically. The chief knew Trousers that well. He could usually tell what Trousers was thinking. Trousers was first to break the silence. "Chief," piped Trousers, "D'you think this Fluffy will react if we start walking towards it?" "Not sure. It might get antsy if we grab it though," laughed the Chief, "How do you think it'll resist?" "Axe, maybe? But it'll look mighty conspicuous carrying that around," replied Trousers, "He'd hide it in his fur, wouldn't he?"
All of a sudden, they saw a small black cat walking towards the petrol station. They watched carefully. They then saw it rub up against the leg of somebody coming out. "There he is, Trousers. I'll call our men over," said the Chief, "Hello? Yes, he's here. We're certain it's him. He's given a bit of a signal and selected his next target. Okay. Good. Meet you in the cafe across the street from it." Right, thought Trousers, That's Fluffy The Murderous Cat. Looks harmless enough, which I suppose is the ruse. Let's deny him this next fellow.
Chapter 14: Got You, You Little Devil
Fluffy grinned as his tail brushed against the leg of the fellow standing above you. Guess what, pal? You're gonna be next. You're completely oblivious to it, but you won't figure out that I'm not any old cat until it's too late. They're the brakes, I'm afraid, thought the murderous creature. The man looked down and smiled. He reached down to pet the cat. Fluffy suddenly flashed him a grin that for some reason, made him feel uncomfortable. The man figured Fluffy was a little mischief-maker trying to be cute.
Inspector Trousers walked across the street towards the pair. Fluffy thought, Hmm, that looks like... Yes, that's the guy who was rummagin' around in one of my other kills... Wonder if he has a lock on me? "Good day, sir," said Trousers, "May I have a look at this cat?" "Well, sure, Inspector - it's not mine," replied the man, who stepped backwards. Fluffy sensed he'd been found and backed away. Trousers moved closer, saying, "Come on Fluffy, come to Inspector Trousers, there's a good kitty." Hey, where'd he find out my name? Or is he just being random?
"Come on, Fluffy, we just want to talk..." Uh, yeah, good luck on that, copper. I'm outta here! Fluffy turned and bolted. Trousers gave chase as the man looked on, confused. Fluffy ran down the street with Trousers hot on his heels. Police cars were now coming from every direction, all under orders of the Chief. "Cut him off!" yelled Trousers into a walkie-talkie. The cars swerved onto the sidewalk in front of Fluffy, blocking his way. He jumped onto the roof and off the other side and kept scampering.
Trousers vaulted over the hood and continued his chase. "Branch out a little more - Get out, that'll halt him!" yelled Trousers. The cars accelerated up the road a little way, swerving and parking in a circle out in front of Fluffy. The policemen got out of their cars. Fluffy kept running towards them. So that's their game. They haven't learnt a damn thing from the killings, have they? he thought. He lunged at one of the police men, straight into his face and jumped over him. Trousers sent the rest of the police bolting after him while he snapped the lunged-at officer out of his stupor.
Chapter 15: The Warehouse Of Horror
"You alright? That cat damn near took your head off," said Trousers. "I'm fine, Inspector, but where's that cat?" replied the officer. "The rest went after him - Can I hitch a ride?" "Oh, uh, certainly, Inspector." They got into the car and followed the rest of the officers. "Don't put the sirens on - He'll run faster," said Trousers. Fluffy then made an immediate left into a car park and the policemen followed. So did Trousers and his driver. They saw the cat run towards an old abandoned warehouse there. "He'd love it in there - Lots of mice," joked the driving officer. They pulled over.
The police fired at the cat in an attempt to scare it into standing still, but Fluffy continued inside, unfazed. Guns? Cheaters. I'll have to nick one off of one of these guys, then we'll be even, Inspector Trousers. Trousers yelled at the officers, "Put those bloody things away, unless you're actually going to hit the creature. Beretta's belong in a lady's handbag anyhow!" The officers put away their weapons. "Where do we go from here, Inspector?" Trousers thought for a moment. "Inside, perhaps. But watch for it pulling out any sharp objects on you, or stealing anything, such as those handbag guns you lot carry."
The air inside the warehouse was dingy and dusty, untouched since it closed down. It would've been knocked down, if only everyone hadn't forgotten the derelict structure was actually there. Fluffy ran up the metal stairs, jumped onto an old, broken-down machine of some kind, leapt across a gap in the floor, stopped and listened. They here yet? Wait a second... Yeah, they are. Makin' their entrance now... I need one of 'em alone. He flicked his tail and waited behind some dusty boxes. I'd like one of those popper guns so that I can get all of 'em quickly, otherwise I'll just have to deal with Mr. Trousers and leave.
Trousers coughed. "Chaps, I hope you lot brought hankerchiefs - You'll need them in this pitiful box of a place," he said to the policemen accompanying him. The place was dustier than a spaghetti western. Trousers wondered if the term Spaghetti Western would also apply to his impending encounter with Fluffy, who was hiding somewhere in this building. Somewhere bloody close, that's for certain, he thought.
Chapter 16: Fluffy Runs Wild
"Alright, men. Disperse and shut that critter down!" The officers scattered to Trousers' command and spread throughout the building, searching for their small, yet dangerous feline target. A cornered being, be it human, or in this case otherwise, is a dangerous and unpredictable one, thought Trousers. He drew his own gun, an old revolver he'd barely missed with in his long career. Now then, kitty, whereabouts might you be? He walked slowly through the passage, silent and keeping his good ear out for pitter-pattering of paws.
Fluffy waited behind his dusty box pile for someone to kill and rob. Two officers walked into the room, aiming all over the place with Beretta's. And they've already drawn them... Mihihihihi... How thoughtful, thought the creature. He decided to trick the officers into thinking he was somewhere else in the room, by echoing his laugh into the walls. Mihihihihihihi! The officers heard the laugh coming from behind some dusty blankets. They walked slowly towards it, as Fluffy walked slowly towards them. In another room, Trousers heard a faint Mihihihihihi, followed by two screams.
Trousers sped towards the room where he was sure the sound had come from. His gun drawn, he kicked down the door and aimed throughout the room. Nothing. Just piles of dusty boxes and blankets. He's here someplace, he thought, The bloody devil is here someplace! All of a sudden, Trousers heard another Mihihihihihi and turned around, seeing a small, black shape launching at him. He ducked and Fluffy sailed over him. Trousers turned around and fired twice. Fluffy wasn't there. He was climbing up onto an old machine and also appeared to be in possesion of a gun. One of my men's handbag weapons, he thought, Curse him!
Fluffy reached the top, turned and fired at Trousers, who quickly took cover behind the dusty box pile and fired back. Fluffy climbed up a broken wooden beam from the ruined construction, up onto a windowsill. Trousers fired again, missing Fluffy and busting a hole in the already-broken glass. Fluffy fired and Trousers crossed over to hide behind the machine. Bastard cat, Trousers thought, I'll make mincemeat of you. If I don't, the local Chinese takeaway shop will! I don't want any customers eating your cursed meat and turning evil or anything.
Chapter 17: Fluffy's Last Stand
Trousers fired at the beast from behind the machine. Fluffy dodged it, leaving more holes in the windows. "Come down here, you vermin!" shouted the Inspector. Hmmm... Should I? It'll only take one move, but this guy's reflexes are pretty okay, too, thought Fluffy. Instead, the cat fired down at him. Trousers dodged, thinking, How does a creature with no opposable thumb hold a blasted gun, anyway? and fired back, getting Fluffy on the tip of his tail. REOW! Fluffy fired down many times in a fit of rage, but to his horror, found all his bullets had gone!
W-What? Damnit! Damnit, DAMNIT, DAMNIT!!! Fluffy dropped his gun and in a last-ditch effort, leapt down at Trousers with a terrible shriek. BANG. The black, furry, lifeless body dropped to the floor, no longer moving. Trousers looked down at Fluffy. He stood there in silence for a moment, then got out his walkie-talkie. "Target neutralised. We can go home now. Also, call the taxidermist, he'll make a fine decoration in the Chief's office." The officers on the other end smiled. "Well done, Inspector. Grab the cat and let's get out of this place. Knock it down."
The demolition of the building was a beautiful sight. Not only did it bury past troubles, it also kicked open a door for property development. There were whisperings of a library replacing the old building. Others spoke of a restaurant, while more yet spoke of a factory. Trousers chuckled to himself, hitched a ride in a police car and left.
The Chief's office now sported a delightful tree. On one of the branches, there was perched a familiar face - Fluffy, stuffed and recreated perfectly, mad yellowy-green eyes and all. Trousers and the Chief drank their bad-tasting coffees and it had been three weeks since the warehouse incident. "Well, Trousers, I called you here for a coffee to celebrate some good news for you," said the Chief. "What's that, Sir?" asked Trousers. "Why, Trousers, I'm promoting you. You've done a huge job, solving an entire string of murders and perching the culprit on my tree. Enjoying the food?"
Trousers frowned. "Chinese food and Rainforest Alliance coffee taste roughly the same. But you said it was a new place, didn't you?" "Yes," answered the Chief, "Replaced that old warehouse. Now there'll be even more suspect meat around here than the string of murders. Remarkable." They both took a sip. Trousers looked at the stuffed cat. Then, he looked at his Chinese. Then, he looked down at the coffee. He saw a small, black hair in it. Mihihihihihihihi... he heard. MIHIHIHIHIHI!!!
Then, Trousers got up and rushed to the tree's pot to throw up.