Ketanji Brown Jackson

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Spokespersons say Jackson's nomination to the Supreme Court gives new hope to all suffering from Wax Lips Disease.

“Doctor, my eyes!”

~ Jackson Browne on Brown Jackson

Ketanji Brown Jackson (born September 14, 1970) is the black woman whom President Joe Biden appointed to the U.S. Supreme Court in 2022 to replace retiring Justice Stephen Breyer in order to fulfill a campaign promise that his first nominee would be the best person he could find, provided she was a black woman.

Early life[edit]

Ketanji was born in Washington, D.C. to Johnny and Ellery Brown, both of them black as the ace of spades. The family moved to Miami so Johnny could attend law school. Ketanji studied law at Harvard University, part of the Ivy League, an attribute where advocates of diversity on the court tend to seek unanimity. She graduated in 1992 after writing a senior thesis entitled "Plea Bargaining as Evidence of America's Inherent Racism".

Career[edit]

After law school, Ketanji clerked for several judges, among them Justice Stephen Breyer, whom she would eventually be nominated to replace. This is regarded as irony by everyone who does not know what the word means.

She also served as a public defender in Washington, winning "uncommon victories" allowing uncommonly bad suspects to avoid the uncommonly long arm of the law.

U.S. Sentencing Commission[edit]

In 2009, President Barack Obama plucked Ketanji from obscurity and put her on the U.S. Sentencing Commission, tasked with telling judges how many months or years to sentence criminals to prison, so they would not pull sentences out of a bodily orifice, as Ketanji would go on to do. In 2012 Obama moved her up to U.S. District Court. During the confirmation hearings, Rep. Paul Ryan, who turned out to be an in-law, spoke of her "character [and] her integrity", and that should have been a tell right there. As a District Judge, Ketanji proved herself to be in the mainstream of the U.S. judiciary, ruling that President Donald Trump should be stopped at every turn.

The New York Times would write that Ketanji did "not yet have opinions expressing a legal philosophy" and thus that there was no way to tar her as a member of the left-wing, certainly not compared to the Times. Politico would not call her liberal, though it did say she was ideal for combat with the court's conservatives.

Ketanji married surgeon Patrick Jackson, a Boston Brahmin related to Ryan and surely partly responsible for America's regrettable heritage that Ketanji has spent a career fighting against. She adopted her compromise surname but magnanimously declined the hyphen. The couple has two daughters, who are probably milk-chocolate-colored. But centuries of mistreatment of African-Americans does not keep the even-handed Ketanji from allowing the children a few scraps of food from the dinner table.

Supreme Court nomination[edit]

Context[edit]

"Dog-faced"? It is the reader's call.

In the 2020 Presidential campaign, Biden had bombed in Iowa, courtesy of an adversarial man who "needed to work on [his] pecs", and in New Hampshire thanks to a "lying, dog-faced pony soldier". Biden was on the ropes and needed to pull a proverbial rabbit out of a hat. Then, rapid-fire: Biden vowed that his first pick for the Supreme Court would be a black woman; verifiably black (though probably male) Rep. Jim Clyburn of South Carolina embraced Biden's candidacy; every other credible candidate abruptly dropped out of the race, and Biden aced the South Carolina primary and was on his way to the nomination, ultimately defeating even Bernie Sanders, who alone failed to realize that the fix was in. Satan took one look at Hunter Biden and did not insist on a first-born.

In 2022, Justice Stephen Breyer called it quits, mindful of the way Ruth Bader Ginsburg had held on for so long that her opponents got to pick her successor. The tea leaves were signaling a Republican victory in November, which would lead to outrageous new reasons why the Senate need not take up replacing him at all. Now black Democrats called in their chits and their chitlins, reminding the Great Uniter of his promise to engage in a little overt racism among friends. Americans were used to seeing a black man on the Court, also three women, but it was now time for them to prove they didn't hate black women. A moderate black woman from Clyburn's own South Carolina, Michelle Childs, was put forward and slapped down, wiser Democratic minds [sic] concluding that the party of Mitch McConnell would never go to the mat over the replacement of one extreme Justice with another. Brown stepped forward to fill the void.

The hearings[edit]

Brown's confirmation hearings went smoothly, the Democrats understanding that no one would ask for a transcript, and the Republicans wanting to make their adversaries look stupid but without attracting any headlines.

Brown was asked about her service on the Federal Sentencing Commission (which could not find any record of it), devising guidelines for number of years in prison that Brown would go on to flout if the case were about drugs or pornography; was given a chance to deny her knowledge of Critical Race Theory, until Republicans put into the record her speeches touting it, as did the syllabus of a school for which she was a director. The hearings served their vital function to the American people: Establishing that she was on the left-wing and that no one was going to do a damned thing about it.

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Ketanji gets job offers from NFL

The colloquy turned to cross-dressing and Marsha Blackburn of Tennessee finally asked Brown to define the word woman. Even Uncyclopedia can do that, but Brown could not, "not in this context", that is, a context in which the sex change community was tuned in and hanging on her every word. Further questioning revealed that Brown could not define the words due process or recess for lunch either. That bought Blackburn a new tour of talk radio programs, while Brown continued skating toward Senate confirmation. Her sudden inability to define a woman makes it questionable how Biden could know he had nominated one.

Jackson was confirmed by the Senate on April 7, 2022, by a vote of 53-47. Biding his time, Justice Breyer will remain on the court until they go into summer vacation, sometime in late June or July 2022.

Supreme Court of the United States

Clarencethomas.png Camel-shot.jpg JRDobbs.jpg Alito.jpg Sonia-Sotomayor.jpg Elena Kagan.png Neil Gorsuch.jpg Kavaportrait.jpeg Amy Coney Barrett.jpg Ketanji (cropped).jpg
Clarence Thomas Stephen Breyer John Roberts, C.J. Samuel Alito Sonia Sotomayor Elena Kagan Neil Gorsuch Brett Kavanaugh Amy Coney Barrett Ketanji Brown Jackson
1991 by Bush I 1994; He Quit 2005 by Bush II 2006 by Bush II 2009 by Obama 2010 by Obama 2017 by Trump 2018 by Trump 2020 by Trump 2022 by Biden

In living memory, not that that does them much good: BorkGinsburgScaliaSouterStewart