HowTo:Hotwire a uterus

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A uterus

Uterus hotwiring is an experimental new technique developed by top reproductive surgeons to allow women who cannot conceive a chance at giving birth. This revolutionary new procedure is not only very expensive, but also not covered by most insurance policies, therefore putting the procedure out of reach of most people. However, this Crackpot Surgeon's Association (CSA)-approved guide will show you how to hotwire a uterus step-by-step using common household appliances and tools.

Preparation and planning

Before any surgery, most doctors and surgeons will try to work out how they're going to do the surgery, what instruments they will need, whether or not the patient needs extra care, and what type of coffee they will drink before entering the operating room (and sometimes during the operation).

First, you need to plan the surgery. This should be easy; just skip ahead and read the instructions. Second, you'll need to gather supplies. You will most likely need:

Some anesthetic (laughing gas and chloroform work well for this purpose. If you don't have anesthesia, hitting the patient with a blunt object also works)
Some sharp knives (what else would you use to cut the patient open? Your teeth?)
A blowtorch (dangerous, but effective)
A defibrillator (if you don't have one, just get something that can deliver a large shock, i.e a car battery and jumper cables)
Some spare sheets or a table cloth, and some sponges (I don't think that you want blood and gore all over your table or bed)
A needle and some thread (for stitches)
A bright lamp (all professional surgeons have those huge lights in their operating rooms, so why shouldn't you?)
An apron and gloves (to keep your shirt and hands clean)
and, of course, some coffee to keep you awake.

You're definitely going to need some of this.

Third, you need to figure out what kinds of special care you need for the patient. Since this guide was written by crackpot surgeons who have never actually handled a patient, you're on your own for this part.

Finally, you need to pick a coffee blend that'll keep you awake and alert during the operation.

The operation

An image of the surgery taking place. Note that this is what it looks like when a professional does it, so you won't look the same doing the surgery.

After all that rigorous planning and coffee guzzling, it's time to begin the surgery! As always, the first step is to subdue the patient. Administer the anesthetic/blunt object and wait for the ~~victim~~ patient to go unconscious. Make sure that you have prepared the operating room, then carry the patient into the room and get out the knives!

Step 1: Cutting open the abdominal cavity

Before you can operate on the uterus, you must first be able to get to it. Because it's hard to hotwire a uterus buried beneath several layers of tissue, you must open an incision from the pubic bone to just below the navel. Just move the knife carefully along the line between the pubic bone and the navel and be careful not to cut any major nerves. Once the incision is open, spread the tissue back far enough so that you can easily reach the uterus. If confused about exactly where to cut, just follow the convenient "dotted line" gland located on the skin on the chest of all human females, that conveniently runs from the pubic bone to the navel.

Step 2: Removing the uterus

Although this may seem crazy, removing the uterus is necessary to keep the electric shock from accidentally causing the bowels to move while the patient is on the operating table and causing you to be covered in human waste. Trust me, it's not a very pleasant feeling.

Simply sever the ligaments, muscles, blood vessels, and Fallopian tubes connecting to the uterus, and it should be easy to get out.

Step 3: The actual "hotwiring"

Circuit diagram of a possible hotwiring setup.

This is the part of the surgery that gave it its name. Just as hotwiring a car involves the use of electricity, hotwiring a uterus does, too. Start up your defibrillator (or whatever you wish to use to apply the shock) and carefully shock the uterus about five or six dozen times. If it's smoking, turning black, or on fire, you've shocked it too much, and it has become totally useless. However, if it's been cooked enough, it might benefit you to know that they make surprisingly good hamburgers.

Step 4: Closing up the corpse patient

This is easy. All you need to do is sew and weld the uterus back into where it was removed from. If you know how to put a jigsaw puzzle together, you should have no problem here. Once you've done that, sew and/or weld the huge incision you made at the start of the surgery.

Wrapping up

Clean up the patient, then, if needed, yourself, then wake the patient up. It is often necessary to slap the patient repeatedly with a large trout or other fish to wake her up. Once she's awake, that is, if she's not dead, the operation is successful! If she is dead, just put the corpse into the nearest dumpster and hope the cops don't show up.

Typical complications

There's your problem.

The number one complication of this surgery is death, which affects about 56% of all patients. Number two is a long period of diarrhea, cramps, explosive diarrhea, vomiting, shafting, extreme hunger, liquid stools, Sudden Exploding Head Syndrome, and diarrhea. Complication #3 is often a rejection of the uterus, which should be fixed by a doctor immediately. Complication #4 is continued infertility accompanied by a loss of sex drive. Finally, the least common complication is pregnancy followed by alien birth. This has only been documented once, so many believe that it has nothing to do with the surgery.

Conclusion

Now that you have read this Crackpot Surgeon's Association approved step-by-step guide to hotwiring a uterus, you can feel confident that you can avoid having to pay thousands of dollars out of your pocket to have a professional do this simple surgery when you could've done it yourself at home using common household appliances and items. While many experts have claimed falsely that medical procedures such as this are only to be done by professionals, we have proved them wrong, and so can you! You can also consider jump-starting a dead neighbor with jumper cables and your car battery — a procedure that has been clinically proven to work roughly 4% of the time!!!