HowTo:Break your addiction to Uncyclopedia
“I'm not addicted I just have nothing better to do with my time.”
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
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Addiction to Uncyclopedia is a very common but very new pandemic scale disease, affecting at the very least one in every three new users to Uncyclopedia. Dependency to the very site you are currently on is a very serious issue that will be taken very seriously. Here is your personal handy guide which is hell-bent on breaking your obsession with Uncyclopedia.
This will also provide you with the information on how to annihilate that addiction so hard that you will never ever come back to us!
Now you are probably wondering:
Why quit Uncyclopedia, I'm happy here?
Here is your long awaited answer you have been trying to avoid for so long: you are missing out on the good things in life because of your basement-dwelling lifestyle. Because you are dependent like a crack whore you do not have a girlfriend, you do not have a job, you do not have friends and most importantly you do not have a future. But all of that is about to change.
Breaking your Addiction
Step One - Admitting it
It is just the case with all extremely bad habits: the first step to getting over your addiction is admitting that you have a problem. A huge one. So if you're reading this right now because you know you are totally hooked on this website, take some deep breaths before uttering this very clearly:
|I HAVE AN ADDICTION TO UNCYCLOPEDIA, I NEED HELP.
As simple as that! See now don't you feel so much better for admitting it? Now if you feel strong enough to continue, you should carry on to step 2. If you aren't strong enough to continue on to step two, man the fuck up!
Step Two - Join UA (Uncyclopediacs Anonymous)
You should realize that there are people out there who share your pain and suffering. There are those people that have been transfixed by Uncyclopedia, themselves and have beaten their addiction. You too can share your story and learn from those that can share their own personal experience on how to beat that excruciating dependency.
These community circle groups are lead by trained professionals and recovering addicts who know what it's like to be hooked to Uncyclopedia and will support you through it all! Don't worry as we sit once weekly and discuss our issues with leaving the site and how to overcome these, even the most addicted of users is welcome to join.
We set our new addicts reasonable and helpful goals to help them break the need to use Uncyclopedia. We guarantee a 95% success rate with recovering our addicts.
Step Three - Take Positive Steps
Quitting Uncyclopedia in one fell swoop is very hard. At UA they understand this and do not pressure you to give up your hours on Uncyclopedia in one go. They encourage gradual cut downs from Uncyclopedia, from say twelve hours a day to a more subtle ten hours a day.
Once you have reduced those hours from the twelve hours we suggested down to a total of say four hours a day you're ready for the next step in breaking your addiction to Uncyclopedia:
Finding something better to do with your time!
Step Four - Finding Better Things to Do
UA understands that once you have thrown Uncyclopedia in the trash can for good, you may want to do something rather than stare at your ceiling all day. So they have have deciced to provide you with a list of alternatives to Uncyclopedia:
- Explore the internet for alternate sites, there is always Wikipedia you know.
- Get our your old Legos. If you enjoyed them twenty years ago, why not now?
- Write an award winning novel. It worked for Dan Brown didn't it?
- Rip off an award winning novel. It worked for J.K. Rowling didn't it?
- Get some fresh air and exercise, scary at first thought, but it's good for you and it can be fun!
- Get a job! You were sitting in your parents basement all these years living on cola and chocolate bars. You owe your parents big time!
- Socialise, it's easy, fun and guaranteed to end well. Results may vary.
- Get laid, I know from experience it's the real deal, I wish you to can finally let go of your forty year old virginity!
- Learn to cook and do chores. Important life skills when your parents finally kick you out of their house!
Go On UncyclopediaOh right we're quitting that!
- I suppose if all else fails you could catch up with your parents, about their day.
Step Five - Make sure you're over it
As said earlier, 5% of users re-offend so pay close attention, you don't want to be in that minority! To make sure you're completely over Uncyclopedia, go back to it for a while and laugh at the people who are still on the site pissing their life away. Set yourself a time limit to use the site, and if you can click that cross in the right hand corner when you tell yourself to, you're over your Uncyclopedia abuse and we congratulate you!
If you couldn't click it, I'm sorry but you are a repeat offender and we have certain methods of dealing with you weaklings! Ok but seriously if you keep coming back to Uncyclopedia for more, you should go back and repeat steps one to five again and see if this helps you get over it. If you still can't quit Uncyclopedia, I regret to inform you that you have no life, you are adopted and Nobody Cares about your problems any more.
Step Six - Enjoy your new life!