Frederick the Great

Young Frederic wearing a Cornish Pasty on his head

Frederick Friedrich Frederica Wilhelm Hohenzollern also known as Frédèric, Fred 2, F Da G, and Old Fritz was the most famous ruler of Prussia, the second most famous being Gordon Brown. He was born in 1712 in Berlin. His father, Fred Friedrich Freddie Wilhelm I, was King of Prussia and East Anglia, and probably suffered from Mad Cowbell Disease. His mother was Sophia, the sister of a George.

Early life

Young Fred spent most of his childhood trying to keep out of the way of his angry father, who may have contracted the aforementioned Mad Cowbell Disease when he slaughtered and ate a cow which had been sent to him by Margaret Thatcher as a present for his 13th birthday. Frederick would secretly meet his tutors in a barn which he had assembled himself from a kit from IKEA, some firewood and that brown plasticene you get in primary school. Angry King Fred I did not approve of his son learning French, Latin and how to play the flute. Fred I thought that everyone should be in the Prussian army, unless they were the enemy, which in 18th century Prussia comprised Austria, John Major, Terry Wogan and a long-horned merino sheep. Frederick's tutors became used to hiding in wheelie bins upon the approach of king Fred I. Eventually Frederick and his 2 friends, Hello Kitty and someone named Keith, decided to do a runner to Milton Keynes whereupon they planned to steal one of the concrete cows and post it to the king back in Prussia, in the hope that he would eat it and ultimately die. However, the plan went wrong when the Sat-Nav on the cart horse failed due to the horse being startled by David Icke standing in the middle of a cornfield waving his arms about like a windmill, shouting "This isn't Wiltshire!" The horse then stampeded through the wall of a defunct rhubarb warehouse, in which a rave was taking place, where the tyrant king was high on Smarties after eating 80 blue ones and dancing to Belgian psychedelic trance. This escapade ended badly for Hello Kitty who was then drugged by Fred I with his remaining 3 blue Smarties, locked in David Icke's time machine and transported to the year 2012, whereupon he found himself in Peterborough as a BSM driving instructor. It is not known what fate befell Keith, although there is a rumour that he sailed to Cornwall, invented the Prussian pasty (ingredients: turnip, ox, mashed potato and a lot of tokay) and became the ancestor of John Prescott.

Life in Prussian Army

When King Fred I died after being bitten by a hedgehog that was in a blue-Smarties induced rage, Frederick became Ruler of Prussia and immediately sacked the entire army which consisted of men who were 7 foot tall and wore thermal underpants, woolly hats and nothing else. He then enlisted all the staff of ASDA who were too short to reach the pickled vegetable shelf, Nicholas Parsons and some bloke from daytime tv. Frederick II then led his forces to invade Iceland, which should have been Silesia but Nicholas Parsons was holding the map upside-down. After conquering Iceland and looting all the frozen sausage rolls and chocolate fudge gateaux, our Fred then thought about invading the Orkney Islands but was scared off by tales of giant mutant longhorn sheep and Gordon Brown wandering about in a kilt, who at a full moon would transmogrify into an 11-foot tall Teletubby with 6 antennae that could pick up any station except Yorkshire.

Next, Frederick led his army - which had now been joined by 14 members of So Solid Crew, Bill Oddie and Orville the Annoying Green Duck - to the unchartered territory known as East Anglia. Frederick did much to improve East Anglia, such as opening 9,438 fish & chip shops (our Fred being a big fan of the potato); digging a large hole in the middle of Norfolk to stop flooding, and teaching the locals how to read.

Fred needed more recruits for his army after 3 members of So Solid Crew got eaten by a rogue wild boar, and Bill Oddie, driven potty by eating far too much horseradish, thought that he was a spoonbill and proceeded to build a nest on top of a mobile phone mast near Blakeney Point. He sent his remaining forces out to capture anyone who was under the age of 104 and didn't smell like 500 pairs of unwashed socks. This was not very successful, as the only people to meet these requirements were a silent order of monks and a 3-month-old baby. Undeterred, Frederick then led his forces onto Holland, sailing there in a longboat and an inflatable dinghy, where he then ordered that all the windmills be used to generate energy for a new industrial-sized potato shredder, whereupon the potato would be turned into Smash and packaged by robots from the planet Nibiru.

Frederick looking at a new wind turbine in the East Anglian Fens

Friendship with Voltaire

Upon returning to Berlin, Frederick was surprised to see a tramp sleeping on a bench in his Potsdam palace garden. The tramp identified himself as none other than Voltaire, who had been thrown out of his home in Paris by his wife after spending most nights at a Ministry of Sound nightclub dancing with George Michael and Anne Widdecombe. Frederick invited Voltaire to stay at his palace "for a few weeks" which actually turned into 10 years. Frederick and Voltaire spent much of their spare time composing drum & bass tracks, Frederick working on the musical parts by using 2 dustbin lids, an Alpine Horn and a sitar, with Voltaire doing the vocals. The constant howling of Frederick's Italian Greyhounds, and his cat, Katte II, attracted the attention of passers-by, so he and Voltaire's drum 'n' bass set was soon joined by Johann Sebastian Bach on the vuvuzela and Osama bin Laden on the triangle.

Argument with Voltaire

Constant vibrations from the loud music began to destroy some of the rococo decorations in the palace. One day while Frederick was outside polishing his late father's collection of Margaret Thatcher figurines, Voltaire set to work replacing the broken rococo with Shredded Wheat and banana peel. Frederick did not notice until about 2 weeks later, when there was a strange smell emanating from the ceiling of his dining hall. He then banished Voltaire to the cowshed. However, he let Voltaire back in after he stood under Frederick's bedroom window at 2am singing Bryan Adams' "Everything I Do", accompanied by Osama on the triangle and Katte II's caterwauling.

Punch-up with Voltaire

Voltaire was somewhat older than our Fred, and Fred was not too happy at having to cut Voltaire's toenails with a sword, help him walk to the toilet at the other side of the palace, and push him in a wheelchair to his Wednesday evening club for geriatric Enlightenment philosophers. One evening when Frederick went to collect Voltaire from his evening shenanigans, Voltaire was disco-dancing to the Bee Gees' "Stayin' Alive" with Frederick's childhood friend, Hello Kitty's, 128 year old granny. This proved to be too much for Frederick, who promptly punched Voltaire so hard that his superglued wig fell off onto a lit candle and the building burnt down. Frederick then had to host the Geriatric Enlightenment Philosophers' club in his palace, often the din being so loud that Frederick would retreat to the wine cellar with his ipod nano.

Some other stuff

Frederick was married for about 8 minutes to Nora Batty, on the orders of his despot father. She then went to live in a log cabin in the Black Forest. When he wasn't punching philosophers and invading small countries, Frederick spent his time hoping that David Icke would return in his time machine and take Frederick with him to the 21st Century, so he could be re-united with Hello Kitty. It is not known if he ever achieved his goal, although some historians point to the "FRED WOZ 'ERE' graffiti on the outer wall of the Peterborough BSM offices as proof that he did indeed travel in time, although presumably to a year earlier than 2012. This may have been because David Icke was worried about letting the Illuminati Reptilians take over the world while he was stuck in a traffic jam in Peterborough.

Trivia

• Frederick was inspired to invent the daisy-wheel printer after Voltaire got his wig caught in a mangle
• He also invented the sink plunger after Voltaire got his hand stuck in a jam jar of 5 thaler coins
• One of his favourite foods was bacon and chilli flavour Pot Noodle