Black Forest

The Black Forest is where all of the black trees were planted prior to the Civil Rights Movement. The Black Forest was the starting point for the Tree Civil Rights Movement. In fact, the Tree Civil Rights Movement is often referred to as the Black Forest Movement (a name also given to situations involving hikers who find themselves out of range of any toilet).

General Information

• Location: It's not known exactly where the location of the black forest is. But it's rumored to be somewhere in Europe. Probably in or near one of those schnitzel loving countries.

• Population: Counting trees is far too boring. Probably like a zillion or something. There are 8 crazy hermits (Henry David Thoreau wannabes) living there. At any given point in time, there is likely at least one lost child running for their life in the forest. The only known building established by man is Black Forest Clinic.

• Estimated Tree Race: (As of 2004) 40% black trees, 20% white trees, 59% broken canoes, 1% other

Race in Trees

The difference between black and white trees. The black tree (named Gregory) is on the left. The white tree, upon learning that she was in this image, requested not to be named.

Race among trees is a hotly contested topic because the race of trees is very hard to determine. It used to be that a mysterious shaman would order a tree whose race was disputed to be cut down and carved into a canoe. The canoe would then be shot out of a canon into a brick wall. Canoes which broke in half lengthwise were considered to be white and those which split widthwise were considered to be black, and were cast into the Black Forest.

In more modern times, DNA tests were performed on trees to determine their race. A mysterious shaman took a cotton swab, dragged it up and down the bark of a tree of unknown race, and then gave it to a CSI lab guy who could then report the race back to the shaman. Since this method did not require the cutting down/canoeing of the tree, it led to some actual living trees appearing in the black forest among the several million widthwise split canoes.

Tree Civil Rights Movement

The Tree Civil Rights Movement began in the late 1980s. Tired of being oppressed by white trees and their mysterious shaman servants, many trees in the Black Forest defiantly changed the color of their leaves from green to brown-reds and dropped all of the leaves from their branches during the spectacular 'Fall of the Fall of Hatred' protest in 1988. In an attempt to quell the movement, local police (at the behest of their white tree overlords) sprayed down the disobedient trees in the Black Forest with high-powered water hoses. But the water could not put down the flames of protest. And, in fact, after a particularly long drought, the trees were very appreciative of the hosing down.

Soon, black trees in other parts of the world began to protest in kind with their Black Forest brethren. Black trees around the world developed a new language of protest, and gave stump speeches speaking of their oppression at the hands of 'the man' (short for shaman). Some black trees even compared their plight to that of paper airplanes (close relatives of trees) before the NASA v. Board of Education ruling (in the ruling, paper airplanes and space shuttles were determined to be one and the same, ending the forced separation of the two). Eventually, the International League of Forests caved in to the demands of the movement and ordered the segregation of treedom to come to an end.

Post Movement Black Forest

Once the League of Forests caved in to the demands of the Black Forest Movement, black trees could leave the Black Forest freely, and white trees who had sympathized with their cause were allowed to move in. Unfortunately, a recent trend among tree immigrants into the Black Forest has been a poser mentality, where white trees from upper-crust tree communities put on a show of acting like stereotypical Black Foresters. This poser attitude has been humorously adapted to television in Da Ali Tree Show.

Today, black trees still outnumber white trees 2 to 1 in the Black Forest, though if past trends continue, that should become 1 to 1 by 2090. Incidents of tree hate crimes are few and far between in the modern Black Forest and, based on a Reader's Digest poll, trees from the Black Forest have generally happier lives and better sex than trees from other areas.