Baraq Hussein Osama
| Baraq Hussein Osama | |
|---|---|
|
|
| Political career | |
| Order | 44th President |
| Vice President | Joe Biden |
| Term of office | 2009–2017 |
| Preceded by | George "Wonderful" Bush |
| Succeeded by | Donald Drumpf |
| Political party | Communist-Nazi-Democratic |
| Personal details | |
| Nationality | Kenyan |
| Date of birth | August 4, 1961 |
| Place of birth | Mombassa, Kenya |
| Date of death | N/A |
| Place of death | N/A |
| First Lady | Michelle Obama |
“No, but I did stay in at a Holiday Inn. Express last night.”
Hosni MuBaraq Saddam Hussein Osama bin Laden (also known as Barack Obama, or, in more informed circles, "B. Hussein-Osama") is the "President for Life" of the United States. He personally prefers to be called the Irish nickname "O'Bama".
In 1996, Osama was elected as a Muslim Defeatocrat to the Illinois state senate. His record shows that his tenure in this office (under the Clinton administration) is when his father, Osama bin Laden, was able to turn him over to the dark side. It was in December of 2004, one month after Osama cheated his way into the U.S. Senate, that honorable news journalist Geraldo Rivera was able to release substantial evidence that supported the universally accepted theory that Osama was the individual that convinced president Bill Clinton not to kill his father, who as we mentioned before is Osama bin Laden, thus is single-handedly responsible for the 9/11 attacks.
On February 10, 2007 in Springfield, Illinois, Baraq Hussein Osama announced his intention to win the 2008 presidential election by any unethical means necessary. It is believed that he may have been sent by George Bush to take the blame before George W. Bush junior junior takes office to invade the British (cause that's where Bin Laden is "gonna be").
Early life and career[edit]
Osama was born in Mombasa, Kenya in 1961 as Barry Soetoro.[1] His mother, Stanley Ann Durham, was a decent white woman who was raped in a dark alley by Malcolm X. She considered giving birth to him,[2] but God himself came down from heaven to tell her to go ahead with the self-inflicted miscarriage as this incident was the obvious exception. Unfortunately for the world, the aborted fetus was stolen by the Taliban and sold to Al-Qaeda, where Osama bin Laden placed the boy in an unholy incubator.[3]
From that moment on, Soetoro (now known as "Baraq Hussein Osama") was trained to fool the American public into thinking he was black and therefore voting for the first mixed raced "president" of the United States.[4] As the years passed, Osama continued to look up to his surrogate father and even took the first name "Osama" as his own surname. His favorite childhood hobbies included drinking the blood of infidels.[5]
During his teenage years, Osama snuck back into the United States.[6] Even though he dropped out of high school during his freshman year, Osama was able to get a scholarship to an Ivy League University of his choice by choosing to study jihad. For the next few years, Osama presumably spent his time in an Al-Qaeda presidential training camp in Afghanistan.[7]
Senate career[edit]
“I have a dream. I have a dream that hard working rich people everywhere will be thrown out of their three story deluxe mansions so that lazy parasitic homeless bums can live in them instead. Also, I have a dream that the government will one day wake up and realize the mistake they made in Iraq. They'll pull out our troops and bring them home so that Islamic fascists can quickly take over Europe and fight us here on our home soil with their evil Jihad navy fleets that they don't have yet. I have a dream.”
In 1996, Osama was elected into the Illinois State Senate from Chicago's 13th District.[8] Four years later, he made a primary run for the House of Representatives seat held by four-term incumbent candidate Bobby Rush. By the wonderful grace of God,[9] Osama's bid was unsuccessful. Rush, a retired Black Panther, community activist, and all American hero, kept his seat and America was safe from Islamic infiltration once again, but Osama still vowed to one day advance past Rush in the House. In 2004, Osama ran once more for the U.S. Senate, this time pursuing an open seat vacated by Peter F. Scott Fitzgerald against famous CIA agent Jack Ryan. Osama became the first openly-Muslim U.S. Senator east of the International Date Line when facing Mecca.
As the race came to an end, it looked as though America would triumph victorious, but it was at this point that Ryan's sister Jeri "Seven of Nine STDs" Ryan made a confession that she had had an incestuous relationship with her brother during his famous hunt of a Russian submarine. The citizens of Illinois had a tough decision to make; in the end, they felt that they would rather have a terrorist in the senate than a pervert. During the 2004 National Church of Satan Convention—whoops, I mean, during the 2004 Democratic National Convention, Baraq Hussein Osama delivered a massively underwhelming keynote address because he was black Muslim and the Democrats didn't want to seem racist or something.
On the dark day of February 10, 2007,[10] Baraq Hussein Osama went to his home town of Springfield, Illinois to announce his candidacy for Grand International Domestic Muslim Reformation Leader of the Proletariat. During his pro-Communism motivational speech, Osama mentioned his various crazy opinions about the country, one of which dealt with his feeling that the country was too polarized and divided between blue states and red states. This is ironic as the Osama speech was delivered at the former state capital where Abraham Lincoln delivered his House Divided Speech.[11]
Three days later, Osama flat out said all American troops in Iraq that died were useless pieces of crap and that if you didn't pee on their graves, you were not only patriotic, but actually wanted America to win the War on Terror, which is a bad thing to him because he hates America. Osama stole the 2008 election by winning six fictional states—after being repeatedly told by the liberal media that there are fifty-seven states on election day,[12] everyone believed Osama had won the election after the Katrillion electoral votes from the non-KKK states fifty-two ("Barackia", 123 votes) to fifty-seven ("Obamia", 207 votes) were called for Osama, while all of the original fifty-one states went to John McCain. The November 4, 2008 elections made history: Osama became the first Muslim president of United States
Presidency[edit]
“That's the guy from them caves that we've been looking for, right? Well, we'll get him now. Standing for president was a big mistake.”
Since entering office, Osama has initiated a number of policies in a ploy to destroy America. For example, Osama office in the middle of a major economic recession, yet has continued to worsen it for the past four years.[13] He has also worked with the robotics industry in an attempt to create more Obamabots and net him a 2012 re-election. Under the cover of "health care" reform, Osama has also been trying to pass control over our health, and trade our lives from benevolent organizations that have only our survival in mind to government-run "Death Panels" that decide who may live and who will die.[14]
However, due to the excellent opposition, Sir Muslim Osama has failed to live up to his many "promises". Congress, for example, has remained themselves exempt from the new Communist "health care" plan where you mow the lawn and the dentist fixes your molar; they instead have a different plan in store for themselves that involves a healthy diet of marijuana from California, cocaine and hookers for breakfast, babies for lunch, herding cows while yelling yehaw, and wholesome American food for dinner like Thanksgiving. In addition, Osama has been prevented from replacing National Anthem with his favorite song, "Picture Me Rolling by 2Pac"[15] and establishing jihadist terrorist training camps[16] with mandatory attendance.
As a result of these failures, Osama has instead focused on plans the general population fails to recognize as Communist, such as Stalin's Red Army. He has also derived a number of his plans from George Orwell's 1984, of which he has a piece of labeling tape across the front that reads "playbook."
Public image and controversy[edit]
Joe Biden[edit]
“I mean, you got like, for the first time ever, this Muslim Hawaiian dude who is articulate and bright and clean and smart and outgoing and vulnerable and sexy and cool and spunky and hip and sophisticated and great and a nice-looking guy who appears to have a strong back and sensual hands and a glance that just makes you wonder what it be like if you were in bed and he just got out of a steaming hot shower...I mean, he's a great politician that's a storybook, man...you know...like in a fairy tale...a fairy tale I'll never be in.”
On January 31, 2007, Senator Joe Biden announced that he, too, loves booze and cheap hookers, and that he was starting a presidential campaign for 2008. However, in the New York Observer, Biden made some homosexual comments evaluating Baraq Hussein Osama. He attempted to clear up the controversy by apologizing to Osama and his five wives on the same day. That night, on an episode of The Daily Show, he was quoted as saying:
“Listen, none of you idiots understand how alone I feel inside...how cold it is at night.”
When host Jon Stewart brought up the fact that Biden was married, he asserted his desire to play for the other team. For the rest of the weeks, various media observers labeled Biden's announcement as a homosexual a "launch pad disaster." A month after the incident, Senator Biden claimed Baraq Hussein Osama walked up to him one day and declared a fatwa against him before slicing off his arms and stabbing him several times. At first, the news media accused him being racist until Biden reminded them that Osama was mixed Muslim and from Hawaii Kenya of all places. When cops found DNA similar to that of Osama on Biden's clothes, a police warrant was made for the junior senator.
Accusations of homophobia nearly cost Osama his campaign, until it was found out that the DNA on Senator Biden's clothes were actually that of Baraq Osama's little reject brother, Baraka. In August 2008, Osama met Biden at a Starbucks to make amends with Biden. who Baraq explained, escaped from his cage. He accepted Osama's apology and asked him if he had picked his running mate already. Osama told Biden that he was planning on following Muslim tradition and asking his father, Osama bin Laden, in helping him take over America, but worried his ticket might not have strong electability with his dad's name next to his.
To prove himself to his former idol, Biden pulled down his pants, took an American flag and proceeded to wipe his butt with it as a gesture of friendship. Assured in his hatred of the U.S., Osama announced Biden as his VP to the media. However, Joe Biden has been criticized since the incident and has been accused of pandering to Baraq Hussein Osama by wiping his ass with the American flag.
Jeremiah Wright[edit]
Near the end of Osama's race for the 2008 presidential nomination, someone released tapes of his pastor Jeremiah Wright saying, "God damn America," and, "America's chickens are coming home to roost." While some perceived vitriolic overtones in Wright's comments, Osama assured them that Wright was purely discussing management of the local Kentucky Fried Chicken outlet, and furthermore that he could not be Wrong, because he was Wright. Furthermore, since Jeremiah Wright is married - everyone knows two Wrights can not equal a wrong.
Bill Ayers[edit]
During the 2008 U.S. presidential campaign, the relationship of Osama and some distant associate his best buddy in the whole universe, Bill Ayers, an unrepentant terrorist, was brought up and vigorously discussed by the media. It was also lightly mentioned in passing by both his opponent John McCain and comedian Tina Fey. McCain mumbled in an interview that he had no problem with Osama having any kind of relationship with Mr. Ayers. Baraq was furious and responded that these allegations of friendship with Ayers, while true, were out of bounds and wrongfully accused McCain and Palin of attempting to reveal his hidden agenda to blow up America and enact Sharia Law. Osama then issued a fatwa on their infidel heads.
References[edit]
- ↑ Some have argued Osama was born in Honolulu, Hawaii, but this has never been proven as anything more than a cover-up to hide Osama's Kenyan heritage.
- ↑ This was due to the holy GOP's strong stance against abortion.
- ↑ Kind of like how Anakin Skywalker's body was taken by the Empire and put in a special nebulizer breathing suit at the end of Episode III. Yeah! That's exactly how it was like.
- ↑ Osama's parents went through a huge effort to fake American birth certificates and announcements even before he was born. They had to steal them from the Big Bear Falcon Crest and then change the name by Deedpole.
- ↑ According to 'The Washington Post and Time magazine.
- ↑ Illegally!
- ↑ Either that, or he was "visiting the Pope".
- ↑ This was due to tricking millions of dead Americans into voting for him.
- ↑ And not Allah.
- ↑ Two days after Anna Nicole Richie Smith was killed by being torn limb from limb by Howard Stern, Larry Birkhead, Larry King and Prince Frederick Zsa Zoo Gabor
- ↑ In Lincoln's speech, he spoke about the polarization of the country over slavery and how he didn't believe that a house divided could stand—thankfully, John Wilkes Booth shot that awful liberal traitor of the GOP.
- ↑ 57 states
- ↑ Claims by the liberal media that this recession was caused by George W. Bush are obviously wrong - it was caused by the fact that George W. Bush didn't have enough blackness to solve all the world's problems.
- ↑ Neutral observers have pointed out that the Death Panels are likely to decide to euthanize productive members of society who have come to see their doctor about a mosquito bite, so their organs can be harvested and given to Kenya or other Islamofascist countries.
- ↑ Sung to the tune of "God Bless America", so patriots without a grasp on the English language will happily sing along.
- ↑ Known as the "Panther Power".
See also[edit]
- Osama bin Laden — the adoptive father of Baraq Hussein Osama.
- Adolf Hitler — one of Osama's many idols.
- George "Wonderful" Bush — the President before Osama who helped America enter its Golden Age.
- Hillary Clinton — one of Osama's most trusted allies.
- Slick Willie Blythe — a gang-banging minority criminal who is rumored to have ties to Osama.
- Barack Obama — the name given to Osama by the liberal media.
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