UnBooks:The n00b Survival Guide

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The novel The n00b Survival Guide is also available in paperback.

“We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender to n00bs!”

~ Winston Churchill on n00bs


Dedication: For everybody on the RuneScape server, World 29...I hate you all. You're all a bunch of scamming n00bs.

They're everywhere, spreading across the internet like locusts, or even worse, like old people who are unfamiliar with the internet and keep sending e-mails in HTML. What are "they" exactly? They're n00bs, and there are millions of them.

You've never met one, but they hate your guts and want to kill you with their crazy manipulation of the English language and poor gaming skills. Or, you've perhaps met one, but you were unable to communicate with it, so you called animal control and got whatever it was euthanized. Fortunately, you did the right thing.

But what if you could communicate with these beings? Who are these "n00bs" who are so "un-1337"? Where did they come from? Can I befriend one of them? Why is the sky blue?

These are all frequently asked questions, and unfortunately, your guess is as good as ours. We don't know, but we can definitely make something up that's entirely believable and sounds convincing as long as you're gullible, stupid, and easily entertained.

Chapter One: The n00b[edit]

The n00b is an interesting creature. In the last century, it evolved from the homo sapiens sub-species, virginus nerdius, making n00bs a sub-species of a sub-species, which up until completion of the evolutionary process was a feat only accomplished by the horse-fly.

Recent biological research into n00bs has uncovered some astounding facts. The most recent discovery is that n00bs CAPS LOCK keys are permanently stuck in the down position from birth. Scientists also conjecture that the common n00b phrase "GI3v M0nIez PLz i Wuz PKD!!!1" is the closest thing n00bs possess to a battle cry.

The term "n00b" is also commonly confused with noob, nub, fr00b, b00b, and also q00u. This is a misconception, because, although n00bs are identical in every virtual way to newbs, noobs, and q00us, in reality each belongs to a different phylum in taxonomic classification. n00bs are more closely related to the common chocolate biscuit than to noobs or q00us.

Anatomy of The n00b[edit]

A diagram of the n00b brain, showing pertinent portions. Unfortunately, this image has been enlarged to show detail.

The Brain[edit]

The brain of the n00b is small in proportion to the rest of a n00b, and functions at lower capacities than a human brain (only about 0.05%). Since most of the brain is dormant (particularly the cerebellum which controls balance and coordination), most n00bs are novice at just about every aspect of society which they try to assimilate into (unsuccessfully of course).

The Heart[edit]

All that separates a n00b from an earthworm is one thing: the heart. Earthworms have five pairs of hearts (ten hearts), while a n00b only has one. This is impressive, considering the circulatory system similarities between an earthworm and a common n00b. They also both eat dirt.

The Guts & Diet[edit]

n00bs have very complex digestion systems, including both gizzards and an ass-load of vestigial organs, including some undiscovered in previous carbon-based life-forms (although the status of a n00b as a carbon-based life-form is debated).

While we're speaking of digestion, the diet of a n00b is similar to that of a nerd, including Pop-Tarts, Hot Pockets, and various other microwavable food items.

The Skin[edit]

The skin of a n00b is scaly like a lizard's, slimy like a fish and rough and pimpley like sandpaper. And by pimples, we mean P-I-M-P-L-E-S. These things are massive, ginormous craters, even larger than the ones found on the Lunar surface. Speaking of which, the face of a n00b is 9 times out of 10 inside-out.

The pimples, which act the same way as other animal markings (for example, the spots on a leopard) have significance. Although their significance is unknown, it is speculated that they're there for a number of reasons:

  • Indicating age. Progression through life bears more pimples.
  • To indicate how many hit-points one has left.
  • For the purpose of attracting mates (the pimples usually have more personality than the n00b itself, thus getting him all the babes).

Chapter Two: Origins[edit]

As previously mentioned, n00bs evolved, as opposed to the common theory that n00bs have been around for thousands of years and were former slaves of the Egyptians until Poses, the great n00bian leader, lead the n00bs out of Egypt following the Black Sabbath, sending them into a long-walk through the barren desert. They all died from a combination of exhaustion and hyperthermia. The story goes on to tell of a city called n00bia which currently stands where the last remaining n00bs died. To date, no such place exists.

And this story never happened in real life (but you will be able to read the full story later in Chapter Six). In real life, the n00bs never had a great exodus. No n00b has ever walked further than his own refrigerator, and if they have, it still wouldn't be a remarkable feat.

The reason for their evolution is unknown. Usually, there's some incentive for evolution. For example, some scientists theorize that dolphins are an evolved form of cows. Their explanation for this evolution?

According to them, some cows just decided to jump into the water and evolve. We all know this just doesn't happen (unless you're an Animorph, Power Ranger, Transformer, that one enemy shapeshifting robot from the future in "Terminator 2", Dana Carvey, or Cyborg Jesus).

Now they suggest the n00b did the same thing. They would elaborate more in-depth about it, but they got their funding cut by the state, and were forced to make vague euphemisms to the dolphin and cow story, which they affirmed was a crock of shit.

Chapter Three: How To Speak n00bish[edit]

n00bish is in the Indo-European lingual family and is very distantly related to English due to its lack of spelling rules. The precursor of n00bish is 133tspeak, which social outcasts spoke long ago in the n00bian slave society. They considered themselves "elite" in their deluded drunkard fantasies, which led to one of the fundamental terms in n00bish, 133t, pronounced "leet".

Even if you're not a native speaker of n00bish, you've probably heard of some popular words in n00bish. n00bish, like Spanish, has many different dialects.

NOTE: n00bish is a very hard language to learn, and even harder to type, and it's not recommended that you try to comprehend it unless you have an anti-dragon shield. An easier way to type n00bish is to slam your face into the keyboard repeatedly. Or, if you are the proud pwner of a wireless keyboard, the other way around.

n00bish is an extremely complex language, which comprises of several other languages such as Klingon, chess board coordinates, ebonics, random nonsense, AOL speak, and the most complicated of them all: abbreviations.

Below are a few basic words in n00bish and their English and Spanish equivalents:

n00bish English Spanish
ZOMG wtf!!1one1 What?! ¡¿Qué?!
LOL Ha-ha! ¡Taco-taco!
wtf that is so gay!!!11 I died/I'm dead Estoy muerto.
hAEL M3 PLZ!!1111!! Heal me, please. Healeame por favor
i am so 1337, u haxor!!! I believe I've misplaced my car keys ¡Soy 1337, usted el pirata informático!
i h8 Y0U!!!11!1 I wish to kill your babies and eat your intestines. I will rape your mother and make love to your father. You shall never see the next sunrise! ¿O RLY?
Teh The Hay una máquina de discos en mi silenciador.
omg ur a n00b!!1 I suck/I am a loser SU182

Chapter Four: n00b Culture[edit]

They have a culture dedicated to anything with the word "Star" as the beginning of the title.

Chapter Five: n00b Habitat[edit]

Noob offensive.jpg
Uncyclopedia n00bs
Other n00bs

n00bs can be found all over the world, but they are, as a sub-species, more predominantly found in North America. Their habitat consists of mostly urban areas where they are deemed as pests and have been known to damage the wooden foundation of homes by ingesting the cellulose of wood. We know this contradicts with what we said earlier about their diet, but don't think for a minute that just because we're inconsistent and probably wrong that they won't eat your house. A few explorers report viewings of n00bs in the Big Bright Room Outside.

n00bs in Captivity[edit]

We don't like the word "captivity"; we prefer to use the term "an enclosed space, recreated to simulate the n00b's natural habitat so that visitors can stare in awe".

There are currently 30 n00bs in an enclosed space, recreated to simulate the n00b's natural habitat so that visitors can stare in awe at the San Diego Zoo. n00bs in an enclosed space, recreated to simulate the n00b's natural habitat so that visitors can stare in awe tend to live longer than n00bs in the wild (60 years). n00bs in the wild have only been seen to live as long as 40 years.

Owning a n00b is illegal in all 50 states and in just about every country in the world, except Pakistan, where they enforce strict leash laws.

n00bs in the Wilde[edit]

n00bs who are not in an enclosed space, recreated to simulate the n00b's natural habitat so that visitors can stare in awe (also known as the Wilde) are undomesticated, crazy wild beasts with one intent: kill, KILL, KILL! If it moves, they kill it; if it doesn't move, that's because they've killed it already.

n00bs in the Wilde live in packs which usually comprise of over five n00bs. After birth, they leave their mothers at the age of eighteen in accordance with federal law and embark into a life of loafing, 1337ing, and losing.

Found in such habitats as Run Escape, WoW, and the basement, these n00bs claim their territory much like the common canine: by urinating on it. n00bs have been known to urinate on everything, ranging from fire hydrants to even their own food, and it's also not uncommon for n00bs to enjoy anime and suck at most first-person shooters and RTS' (Real Time Strategies).

What To Do If You Spot A n00b[edit]

Spotting a n00b is a very serious matter. You should almost never approach a n00b in the Wilde, and you should never leave your laptop sitting out when you go camping, lest a n00b might stumble into your campsite and get you banned from your favorite forum(s).

If you do spot a n00b in the Wilde, do any of the following:

  • Call 911
  • Shoot it
  • Play dead
  • Pour salt on it and watch it melt
  • Yell at it in C++
  • Call a mod (may not work if you are in GameFaqs).
  • Confuse it by talking to it using big words that it can't understand. (Four letter words should be enough.)

Chapter Six: "Dealing with n00bs"[edit]

This is how you spot a n00b.

In 2003, a short book was published by self-acclaimed "Master of Diablo" Eric Shaeffer, titled, "Dealing with n00bs". I stole portions of his book because I couldn't think of anything else to write for chapter six. Below is an excerpt from the book, page 49:

Under no circumstances should you ever talk to a n00b. They are highly dangerous. If you DO get in a direct conflict with a n00b, it is best to use one of the following tactics explained below.

n00bs are often confused on internet games with deranged, semi-conscious, amputated llamas with little brain matter, because of the similarity in their game-play abilities. In the event of an encounter with a n00b, one should take the following precautions:

  1. Turn off chat to prevent grammatically incorrect language overloads.
  2. If you cannot disable chat, turn off your computer immediately and curl up on the floor in a brace position. Do not contact relatives as n00bism is contagious and can spread to your loved ones.

'Other Methods'

The most primitive way to deal with a n00b is to smash their skull in with a large object. While they often inadvertently do get to do this to themselves by running into concrete walls, it still proves to be an effective method of n00b destruction.

Alternatively, you can fill their MSN inbox with spam and chain-mail; unable to contemplate their sudden popularity, they will jump off nearby cliffs in the false belief that they will be caught due to their immense popularity. Be sure to use more than one email address, as they, will, in rare instances, realize the truth.

A more indirect way of n00b destruction is telling one that there is candy in the middle of the freeway. This will make the n00b retrieve the 'candy' while getting their ass ran over.

Remember n00bs, regardless of their constant training, are totally inept at the usage of 1337. Whenever attempts to converse with n00bs are made using 1337 it will cause their small brains to blow and ooze out their ears. n00bs that are exposed to such verbal pwnage for prolonged periods will eventually die.

Also, you must remember that a n00b will eventually destroy themselves (because they don’t reproduce, if I know what you mean). The typical n00b has so much Spyware on their PC, and respond to so much of it's crap, that they eventually sell themselves to North Korea and/or Roger Moore and are never seen again.

The following is another excerpt from the chapter on "Foreign Noobs" and "Origins", pages 87-92:

'Foreign Noobs'

When, on the rare occasion that they acquire a PC, some Mexicans have found a way to hook up to the intarwebs. They can often be spotted by their native bastardization of n00berisms. For example, "We are noobs" would be "nosotros somos nooblamos", and so on. Also, they often times feel it necessary to insert their dialects into text-based communication, and will be prompted to place a G at the end of words that end in an and on.

Asian players are often times prompted to use internet translators to communicate with other English speaking players, resulting in a butchered version of Engrish. Common phrases that are used include "I am lag!" and "We roll on item now". Why these people even bother is still unknown, seeing as any attempt at communication results in ninja-looting the Sacred Charge from my Warrior.

The Dutch variety of n00b is easily confused with the other nationalities, especially English speaking nations. This is because they tend to communicate in nearly comprehensive ways. You can however spot a Dutch n00b by his very large ego, his absurdly high self-esteem and general bastardlyness. Also, Dutch n00bs (like any other Dutch) are drunk most of the time, or high on pot, or both. This makes the Dutch n00b rather harmless and easy to deal with. Also, they react overly sensitive whenever hearing the word dyke.

By far the worst are the Americans. These people constantly lag and can't spell words like "you" or "potato". Many often find their ways onto overseas servers causing chaos and disrupting the general happiness of the server, then question why they got booted.

Recent studies show that the majority of n00bs found these days are often extremely timid. As such, an effective means of removing a n00b is to send him to a shock site. You shall most likely never see him again unless you are in the neighborhood of the local insane asylum.

'WARNING:' n00bs can'tnot spellld muchly correctly, their4, if u cn't deal w/ they, then quit game NOW!!! B'cause we r 1337 chethupè! hackzors!!!!1!!1! PS3 iss the ROXXERS!!! 4 ,reel leIf!!!


n00bs trace their beginnings to ancient Egypt. "n00bians" were kicked out of Egypt for being retarded; they embarked on a great exodus to a barren, empty wasteland which they didn't name, where they built shitty ass pyramids to try to copy the pyramids of Egypt’s but their pyramids sucked.

Their first ruler was King n00b I. They were again conquered by the Egyptians and were made slaves but sent into exile because the n00bians were useless. n00bians remained in obscurity until the invention of the computer.

Chapter Seven: Farewell[edit]

n00bs are all over. They infiltrate servers at random and due to their inability to conduct rational thought, and have always been a menace to society and the bane of mankind. Want proof? Okay, North Korea's current dictator, Kim Bassinger Jong or whatever his name is, is a n00b. Hitler? Yeah, he was a n00b too. Joseph Stalin = n00b.

It's a well-known fact that some of history's greatest assholes have been n00bs. If I haven't convinced you enough about these evil bastards, then you should throw the book away. Don't refund it though. You can't (sorry, no refunds).

There are plenty of things that are yet to be discovered about this boring and ridiculously useless life-form. What we do know however, is that they are a threat to the American way. They are a threat to not only America, but to the rest of the e-world. The intarwebs will never be tranquil until the n00b threat has been eliminated.

Good night, and rAmen.

About The Author[edit]

The Author

The Author is an extremely attractive, intelligent, athletic, attractive, suave, debonair, charming, attractive, testicularly endowed American. He has black hair, blue eyes, and is about 5'9" in height. If you're interested, we can please chat more maybe.

My Warcraft account is "westwood42", and I am level 2. I am really need some help gaining levels. Oh, and don't forget please about other crap I said about myself earlier too as well. I am single and also enjoy RuneScape very much. My family is very important to me because they are my family.

Additionally, I love techno and the moonwalk. I have l33t hx0rs skills at CS:S.

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