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This article is about the third world operating system. For the article about the third world philosophy, Go Screw Yourself. It ain't never comin' back!

Developer Canonical STD/N00buntu Foundation
Homeless hippie with a stolen library computer, Some high school kid living with his parents, Random stock photo of a woman for political correctness
OS family Linux
Source model GPL (Gonorrhea Public License)
Available in Multilingual/Defaults to Swahili
Platforms i386, X86-64, amd128, ix86-36028, vacuum tubes, toaster (you wish), whatever the computer in Independence Day and Doctor Who were running
Kernel type Corn
user interface
Queen Elton John's "Fabulous Purple Diva"!

“Ubuntu 13.10: Get ready to be buttfucked by Canonical, Unity, Amazon, and Ubuntu One. Also did we mention Unity is not themed on Mac OSX?”

~ Ubuntu 13.10

“Ubuntu is an ancient African word that means: I do not know how to install Debian.”

~ Mark Shuttleworth

Mark Shuttleworth, also known as Dread Cthulhu, is the founder of Canonical LTD, and Ubuntu

Ubuntu (formerly known as Elton John's "brown town" Linux, until disowned by the community and now known as Queen Elton John's "Fabulous Purple Diva" Linux) is a distribution of the open source Linux kernel, initiated when Mark Shuttleworth decided that Linux and its near infinite number of distros were not "hip" or "human" enough. It has repeatedly been hailed as, "devastatingly misleading," or "isn't this OSX?" or the ever popular "I'd rather install Gentoo."

Ubuntu is fully Eunuchs '13-14 Certified.

Ubuntu is largely useless in home and professional environments but nonetheless hailed by 12-year-old miscreants, your mom, and almost all ex-Windows users the Macintosh hasn't snapped up, as a revolution in the software industry.

Made by Canonical LTD, whose objective is to become the gangsters of Free software that Microsoft is of every other category, Ubuntu is distributed free of charge, just like gonorrhea, because they are well aware that this price is at the limit of what their customers will pay.

Origin of name[edit]

The Cthulhu takes human form, and is standing by for your call.

The word Ubuntu is an old South African saying that seems to mean "We are what we are thanks to Mark Shuttleworth's money"; in some dialects it also translates as "We are what we are because of the pile of packages we ripped from Debian." According to Cthulhu Shuttleworth, the term came about as an Unintentional Uttering by Nelson Mandela. Some people also suggest that "Ubuntu" is an African word meaning "I don't know how to netinstall Debian". Australian English suggests "Ubuntu" is exactly six typos in the word "Debian".

History and development process[edit]

The inner workings of the Ubuntu operating system

The first version of Ubuntu was released on October 20, 2004, as Canonical's contribution to the cesspool of useless Debian clones. Largely the product of Mark Shuttleworth's mental masturbations, it featured a mutilated GNOME desktop (see next section) and software pieces sourced from a loose collective of amateur software developers from the world's dirtiest basements. Since Canonical has no real control over its developer "teams", the project has gradually decayed into a dumping ground of a diverse variety of absurd ideas, and has only been getting worse.

Although it was not precisely Canonical's endeavor to distribute Ubuntu completely free (as in Gonorrhea), the lack of project steering meant the company had no other choice than forcing Ubuntu to be as open-source as possible. To make matters worse, the developer demographic was mostly comprised of those who saw the need of coding several dozen versions of the same programs and system utilities using every programming language that exists, though Ubuntu, being a reverse-meritocracy, is guaranteed to set the worst possible selections as the defaults.

Thanks to the fact that Ubuntu was never intended to be profited on based on licensing, the costs of creating and maintaining this atrocious product were completely and successfully diverted to users who would actually pay Canonical for support. This basis is flawed for two reasons, one being that 12 year old script kiddies don't have $250, and the other that the rest of Ubuntu's users are freeloaders anyway.

Ubuntu ships a new release every 6 months, and a new Long Term Nonsense Release every 18 months. Long Term Nonsense Releases pay homage to Debian by trying to be almost as obsolete as it is before the support lifecycle ends. Almost all users that have any hardware that was made semi-recently will find that LTN releases support even less of their shit than normal Ubuntu.

Ubuntu pioneered an innovative build process for custom versions of Linux based on itself: Every time an Ubuntu user masturbates, a new distribution is created that they can then proceed to distribute with impunity. There are now so many customized Ubuntu distributions that it is in fact impossible to list them all.

The Ubuntu cult developers[edit]

mneptok, the paid Ubuntu gigolo of the Dread Cthulhu Shuttleworth, says, "My hair is luxurious. Touch it.".

Despite the loosely connected nature among Ubuntu developers, several initiation rituals exist. The initiation culture was evolved through years of Linux developing in the part of individual members and was likely inspired by the unlit, humid environment in common basements. The rituals include:

  • The conference call of the Cthulhu
  • Removing features from GNOME
  • Replacing everything written in C and Python with Mono
  • Introducing more ACPI and Compiz bugs that won't EVER be fixed
  • Reading Malone, their crude attempt at recreating Bugzilla for no reason, and laughing sadistically at the users their permabugs are affecting, before stamping them WORKSFORME
  • Make more vendor patches, on top of Debian's patches then don't give anything back to upstream
  • Pledging one's first born child to the Ubuntu ShipIt factory
  • Since 2006, it also includes the feature of facilitate to the user the piracy of video console's games, not permiting to the user to burn DVDs more than 4X (veridical, see[1])

The cult gathers when the Sun, Moon and Earth align on the Freenode IRC network to initiate new members into the fold and sacrifice a small child. Don't be alarmed, the child is usually replaced with a senior Debian developer who has not yet given in to Ubuntu's evil, the cult chants "Ave! Ave Versus Christus!" which translates into "All Hail Mark Shuttleworth".

After the ritual, they proceed to spank the pledges with a paddle that has had an Ubuntu logo carved out of it until a permanent welt forms on the site, then they go have Kraft Dinner.

A little known fact of the development process involves the use of "numbers stations", shortwave radio stations commonly thought to be used by spies speaking in code, but these are actually Ubuntu developers planning what to hose next.

For example, 1, 5, 7, 7,4, 7, 8, 3, 9, 2, 5, 4, 4, 1 = Let's royally fuck his webcam and make Pulseaudio go apeshit on resume from suspend, then when he reboots, hang the system forcing a hard reset.

Marketing and Community[edit]

The real reason Ubuntu Shipit is popular. Picture: Ubuntu 9.04 "Juicy Jubblies."
Ubuntu not just for 'human beings', not anymore

Ubuntu is always first and foremost guided by the Code of Conduct, a religious document written by L. Ron Shuttleworth, that depicts a Galactic Confederation, led by the Dark Lord Gatesu, who brought UNIX users to Earth in space planes that looked like DC-9 aircraft, and dropped them into volcanoes, and then detonated hydrogen bombs in the volcanoes, all users of Microsoft Windows today are in fact tormented by these souls, called THTN's (short for THetans are not ThetaNs), and must be liberated by using Ubuntu and responding in the affirmative to peer pressure, even if the group is wrong, which the Code of Conduct says they never are.

The Code of Conduct, is a requirement to become an Ubuntu Member. All Ubuntu Members have to accept the CoC (see [2]).

Many original adopters of Ubuntu were deceived into thinking it was functionally a Debian CD with an easier installer, more cowbell, and a free disc that Canonical would send you, and so switched to Ubuntu for these reasons, they even started telling their friends and family about Ubuntu, but as time went on, Cthulhu Shuttleworth partnered with Darth Vader, and revealed their true intentions, by this point many users were essentially trapped because Ubuntu held all their data on the root partition, in this horrible filesystem called ext3, making it a long and cumbersome process to back it up, but in the mean time, an entire culture of freeloaders, angry Windows users, and 14 year olds with no job had rallied around Ubuntu giving it a critical mass of users.

Meanwhile, on board the Death Star, Cthulhu Shuttleworth said "Hmmmm, these parasites asses would clamp up tighter than a snare drum if I asked them for a nickel, but I could probably find people stupid enough to pay for it at Best Buy", so having missed the chance to be a real server operating system, Ubuntu has ever since been on the way to being entirely funded by 14 year olds with paper routes and people who mistake the boxed set for Windows Vista.

Despite popular belief, Cthulhu Shuttleworth's primary purpose for Canonical STD is not to turn a profit, it is to keep an army of fanboys believing in him, lest he stop existing.

Now some may ask, "How do most people today come to use Ubuntu?" there's a simple natural progression:

  1. User cancels AOL
  2. User figures out what BitTorrent is
  3. User uses it to download hentai (or possibly yaoi or yuri, we don't judge)
  4. User mistakenly downloads Ubuntu believing it to be hentai (or yaoi or yuri)
The login screen of Ubuntu
A typical Ubuntu desktop experience, notice the innovative features.
Internet Explorer 6, the default web browser in Ubuntu (Courtesy of Microsoft).

Desktop interface[edit]

“What can you expect from a cthulhu landed in South Africa with a mission to create «Linux for human beings»? My portrayal of skin color was misunderstood, but I don't care what people see in it. Hell, Ubuntu is a great success”

~ Cthulhu Shuttleworth on Ubuntu's accused «Look of Dirt»

Pidgin. Linux Messenger

Ubuntu is known for its long time commitment to the GNOME desktop. With the need for more cowbell over the years, this has led to a three-dimensional desktop interface enhancement for Ubuntu's generic X-Window code base, which was included in Ubuntu as part of its multitude of experimental crap features. Given the quirky nature of X, GNOME and many OpenGL drivers, this resulted in severe epileptic seizures in some users due to a deluge of error messages splashing onto the screen at higher than refresh rate. Nonetheless, the "Desktop Cube" was regarded by Cthulhu Shuttleworth as "one of the greatest rabbits ever pulled out of my ass", and wound up being widely demonstrated by 14 year olds on Youtube, often to the backdrop of horrible music, like worse than Phil Collins, OK maybe not THAT horrible, but still pretty bad.

Not wanting to ostracize KDE users, Kubuntu was formed based around the desktop that had been passed over. Kubuntu was also marketed towards Moral Kombat players who are unable to use an applications that starts with 'c'. Given that Ubuntu's version of GNOME is severely watered down, unstable, eats RAM like it's going out of style, and since KDE is pretty much like that anyway, Canonical decided that it was easy enough to throw them a fricken bone, to increase confidence of its userbase.

An XFCE version was created for older computers, called Xubuntu, but attempts to replicate all features of GNOME except the ones you're trying to use, while taking up equal memory. Some users actually use this coat hanger abortion for their day to day computing.

As far as Internet software goes, Microsoft was gracious enough to let Ubuntu users borrow Internet Explorer 6, which Bill Gates was reported to have said "I just feel so sorry for these guys. How would they have anything if it wasn't for Microsoft's continuing philanthropy? Therefore as part of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation's Aid to Africa program, please take this as a token of our condolences."

Ports of Windows Media Player 11 and Windows Live Messenger are on the way.

Drop the Comm…[edit]

Unity, a reinvention of the nostalgic user hostility so commonly associated with Linux desktops, is creator Chtulhu's newest attempt to once again become Ubuntu's sole user.

Ubuntu Touch[edit]

Ubuntu Touch is Cthulhu's latest attempt to spread its creation upon unsuspecting users, feeling they were safe from Unity while on their smartphones and tablets. In fact, they are perfectly safe still, since Unity ensures Cthulhu is the only user of this as well (see above). The Ubuntu Edge smartphone was intended to be the start of the end of the world for mobile users, but thankfully it failed, just like Ubuntu TV.


Cthulhu seized the opportunity presented by his dungeon-dwelling userbase and give them what they really want. This brought on a series of boundary-pushing wallpapers featuring naked women (Jeri Ryan is pulled in through the Restricted Extras metapackage), and was shipped with Ubuntu release "Warty Warthog" (yes, I mean social-disease warts), and still there, albeit hidden in "Hairy Hardon", the latest brainfart release.

With said wallpapers on display one devoted Ubuntu user claimed he was "finally able to enjoy masturbation without having to go through the trouble of accessing pornographic websites".

IT managers also welcomed these new additions as one explained that the soft porn "might actually reduce unwanted traffic on the network without the cost and hassle of filtering", it is for this reason mainly, that most companies switching from Microsoft to Ubuntu do so.


Ubuntu can be secured, provided the GUI-oriented user figures out how to get all the command-line based firewall and apparmor systems set up since they are both turned off by default, so as to not get in the way (which is the main reason why this section is also semi-hidden- so it doesn't get in the way).

Contrary to popular belief, the OpenSSL vulnerability also was not a bug, like Microsoft, Canonical and Debian just wanted the user to be able to easily get back into their computer if they lost their password, it's not their fault that script kiddies and even the NSA managed to figure this one out too.....really!

Now any Script Kiddie can log into your Ubuntu and run the Gaybuntu script to upload gay porn to your system with sexual sound effects to turn it into Gaybuntu to store his porn collection on using this vulnerability. So if you see a terminal pop up that says "DO U LIKE GUYS Y/N?" type N. Never, ever type Y (even if you do like guys) or else the Gaybuntu script will get you. And when it gets you, it gets you good.

When was the last time you saw the Fedora Core go to bat for their users like this, anyway?


Ubuntu has been praised for its efforts to focus on violating improving the user's privacy. An Amazon search plugin was added to the Unity interface by Cthulhu, who wished to peer into the personal lives of users. A new feature for directly reading the users' minds is planned further down the road as part of Canonical's "convergence" strategy, but in the meantime this will have to do. A nice bonus for the Cthulhu is that this feature should generate revenue off of his unsuspecting victims, because nobody was ever really going to pay for an Ubuntu One subscription.

The Cthulhu left in settings where he could turn off this personal information harvesting for himself, but since he was supposed to be the only user, he accidentally left them in for everyone to use. Fortunately, no one seems to have noticed yet.

See also[edit]