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Linus Torvalds praising Nvidia's new drivers

SteamOS is a new Debian-based distribution designed to play video games like a console created by Valve. Since the announcement, the entire open source community has rallied behind them due to major hardware manufacturers having a great reason to improve their drivers. The move to create a console operating system, especially one based on Linux, was initially met with skepticism, however with the robust nature of graphics drivers and the stable nature of the operating system, pundits have largely been silenced. These silencings have absolutely nothing to do with Valve's team of skeptic-hunting ninjas on retainer, and mo

Changes to Debian[edit]

SteamOS' reaction to mistiming

SteamOS has made a few modifications to Debian in order to be better suited for a console. Most notably, it has enabled certain experimental kernel features to turn it into a true real-time operating system. The difference between soft real-time (the default) and hard real-time (SteamOS), is that in the case of something taking a few milliseconds too long, instead of merely throwing a warning and telling the offending program it's a bad boy, the entire operating system throws a hissy-fit and refuses to work with such amateur programs who have no sense of the importance of timing.

Another important change is that it has also completely banned anyone from using AMD cards. Anyone caught using AMD cards with SteamOS will be rounded up and sent to the Gulag. If you do not think this is a positive change, please report to your nearest Nvidia-sponsored re-education facility. As well as AMD cards, Valve also seems to have a problem with computers with old-fashioned BIOS as opposed to that new-fangled UEFI thing. Anyone who is still using BIOS is obviously an old man who doesn't matter to anyone and/or somebody who is too broke to buy games in the first place, therefore their opinions do not matter.

SteamOS enjoying its 500GB of space

While on the topic of minimum requirements, while SteamOS occupies a grand total of just under 1GB of HDD space, it has 500GB as its minimum requirement. This is presumably so SteamOS has some room to stretch its legs and get comfortable while it gets prepared to commit suicide over the tiniest mistiming of any program running under it.

The final change is to completely remove all support for dual-booting, presumably because if you're going to ask for 500GB, you might as well go whole-hog and ask for the entire hard disk.


Using the power of Linux, this operating system can play all games that have received Linux ports and have been accepted into Steam. These 12 games run much faster than they do on Windows, and only crash 14.2% more often. Valve is hoping that by re-branding "Linux" as "SteamOS" they can join Ubuntu in trying to pretend that they have nothing to do with that group of neck-bearded proto-communist hippies. Talks have begun between Valve, Netflix and Spotify in order to compete with the Xbox One in pointless features that nobody outside of the United States of America have access to. While Xbox One users have stated they would not use SteamOS due to not enough spyware being incorporated, Playstation 4 users have stated they might give it a try due to a comparable library of games.

Reception in the media[edit]

Media outlets worldwide have erupted with enthusiasm for the new console operating system ever since Valve announced that for every negative sentence said about it they would add 1 year to the release date of Half Life 3, which will be a SteamOS exclusive. The following quotes represent the opinion of the media at the time of the announcement.

“This makes my balls quiver with excitement. I can't wait to make a second lifetime's worth of money passing shovelware off as art on the new system.”

~ Markus "Notch" Persson

“I have no strong opinions one way or the other”

~ Leader of the Neutral Planet

“This marvelous system is truly a thing to behold in action. Also they kept those AMD peasants out, which is nice”

~ Jen-Hsun Huang

“You know what's worse than playing on Linux? Playing on a shitty version of Linux that takes up an entire hard-drive for no good reason and self-destructs at the merest inkling of somethi”

~ Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw

Mr. Croshaw could not be reached for further comment.