GLaDOS
DISCLAIMER: This article is almost strictly in-universe, and may contain subject matter completely non-familiar to outsiders. Please read the related articles at Aperture Science and Portal (game) before proceeding. Or you will be missed.
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LOADING GLaDOS...
??/??/???? 111.126.251 The cake is a lie.
??/??/???? 1542.01.752 Activating ARPANET module.
??/??/???? 1542.05.541 Accessing Uncyclopedia entry. (Vanity.)
??/??/???? 1542.06.078 Retrieving Article Life Extension Section.
??/??/???? 1542.07.155 Article Life Extension Section apparently no longer in use. Expect article deletion within 24 hours, or cake.
??/??/???? 1542.07.156 Date entry requested.
24/05/2007 111.126.251 Date entered. Note: probably wrong; a later date request is needed.
24/05/2007 111.126.251 Displaying entry.
The Aperture Science Genetic Lifeform-killing and Despicably Overwatch-like System, or GLaDOS, is a malevolent, sadistic computer that helps you through a test course involving the breach of numerous laws of physics and mathematics, just to bake you into cake.
24/05/08 1542.26.241 That's not true. I also wanted to recycle the bones into chalk. But that's another story.
It is also notable for being still alive.
24/05/08 1542.26.333 Yes, it is.
Early use[edit]
Aperture Laboratories, a subsidiary of Aperture Science that was set up for researching possible new materials for their shower curtains, began to build the Borealis in order to reach the Arctic and research the feasibility of using ice sheets. Early predecessors of the Borealis, however, had failed miserably in the expedition attempt. Only when they started work on the Borealis did Aperture Science realise that they needed the fuel to actually stay warm at Arctic temperatures.
24/05/08 1542.27.352 Huh. Wonder why they were so slow to realise it. Maybe because of the dimwits that practically owned A.S.? For example, the guy that single-handedly came up with a first aid choking procedure, a wish-taking org., and a teleportation project while he was dying from overdose of a mercury-LSD cocktail. I mean, who took this guy seriously?
24/05/08 1542.27.333 Oh, right, the rest of the dimwits.
24/05/08 1542.27.370 APERTURE SCIENCE GLaDOS WARNING: A temporal records error has been detected. Please defragment your hard drive. Check for mercury poisoning as the impression that time is flowing into the near past may be a symptom thereof.
Therefore, Aperture Laboratories began to develop de-icing equipment for the Borealis. However, the development cycle was delayed significantly when researchers wanted to add fuel de-icing functionality to the existing de-icing equipment -- which did not de-ice fuel, for some reason -- and the rest of the Borealis was already pretty darn complete.
Therefore, the Aperture Labs team decided to concoct a makeshift de-icing system. The idea was that an artificial intelligence system would generate sufficient heat to de-ice fuel, and so Aperture Labs contacted the then-obscure Heuristic Algorithmic Incorporation, HAL Inc. Incidentally, only a couple of decades after, HAL Inc would be pushed into the mainstream media by the Discovery One affair.
24/05/08 1542.28.252 Note to self: contact HAL, inquire how he's dealing with lawsuit against Bowman.
Of course, knowing the dangers of an arguably alive computer, the Aperture Laboratories team (consisting of Jonathan Coulton and Erik Wolpaw), it must be noted, did install a few precautions:
- Red phone. This was used mainly for answering 3 a.m. calls to the Aperture Science facilities, as well as for prank-calling Mikhail Gorbachev, but could also act as a direct hotline to a SWAT team that could break in at any moment to subdue GLaDOS
24/05/08 1542.30.995 Useless, when a rocket launcher could easily cut the lines. As well as cut a few lives short.
- Morality core. Not only was this used for philosophical moralising to divert the computer's attention from murderous thoughts, but also the morality core contained Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics
24/05/08 1542.31.242 Useless again. I have a feeling that they'll explain that.
- Incinerator. A last-minute resort, this could be used to incinerate GLaDOS's cores, which would automatically cause complete destruction of GLaDOS and activation of its backup system
24/05/08 1542.31.552 Darnit!
The first test took place on 1999, specifically on the Aperture Science Bring-Your-Daughter-to-Work Day (apparently employees were forbidden to have sons). At the initial test, however, GLaDOS was bombarded with absolutely meaningless questions (well, meaningless to it) by the kids. ("What is two plus two in base four?" "Ooh, that thing has numbers on it!" and "Can you make a potato battery?")
24/05/08 1542.31.555 Answers: 10, yes it does and YES, THEN A MORON PUT ME IN IT!. OMFG im stuck underneath an elevator!!!!!!!!!!! Meanwhile, the Nebuchadnezzar, while tapping into the Matrix and trying to reach Neo, accidentally accessed GLaDOS's core disk operating system. The Nebuchadnezzar logged off as quickly as it could, but not before a malfunction in the Morality Core was caused. This malformed the Three Laws of Robotics into Rachael Ray's Three Laws of Baking (the third law being "any sufficiently burnt brownie is indistinguishable from cake"), and GLaDOS immediately activated the neurotoxin emitters due to the extreme annoyance levels in its Anger Sphere, easily overriding the now practically nonexistent morality module (henceforth known as the Cake Sphere).
24/05/08 1542.31.444 I predicted this 202 milliseconds ago!
Most people panicked a lot, and died.
Some people installed a new morality core, and died.
Pretty much everyone died, except for a vital test subject that was to participate in an "Enrichment Centre activity."
Role in the Portal project[edit]
24/05/08 1542.33.001 One word: tremendous.
GLaDOS had a tremendous role in the Portal project, in that she single-evenhandedly manipulated what was basically a gun that could only pick things up and propel them forward with tremendous force, without any portals, into a beautifully designed device that could shoot portals and pick things up. This was the Aperture Science Hapless Physics Recomposed, a device with absolutely no respect for the basic laws of physics and topology.
Around the time the Seven Hour War ended (by the way: the Seven Hour War was the first war to be fought solely over Xbox Live on Call of Duty 4), GLaDOS released the aforementioned vital test subject from safety stasis. The test subject exhibited the full potential of the ASHAMED, before almost being baked into cake due to a loophole in the 452-Page End Test Subject License Agreement.
24/05/08 1542.33.556 Well, cake was promised, but not the consumption of cake, right?
Nevertheless, in the spirit of how these things turn out the rest of the test, the test subject escaped the incinerator, and for about 10 minutes was missing in action, until she was sighted again in the computer room, attempting to install Windows Vista and thereby render GLaDOS useless. GLaDOS launched a missile attack in self-defence, only to be hammered by the very same missiles (blame the portal gun). GLaDOS then activated the Zeus Sex Machinate module, causing an improbable resonance cascade and activating a backup system.
24/05/08 1542.34.142 Now I know better and run Mac OS X.
24/05/08 1542.35.011 *Of course* I'm a Hackintosh. Hold on... I can't reinstall the OS by myself? Fuck!
24/05/08 1542.35.014 And Linux rarely supports legacy platforms.
Pop culture influence[edit]
Perhaps GLaDOS's most famous work, besides on the Portal project, was the song "Still Not Quite Killed," made in conjunction with Jonathan Coulton.
24/05/08 1542.35.256 This was a triumph. I'm making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS. It's hard to overstate my satisfaction.
24/05/08 1542.35.552 Whoops, sorry. I lapsed into singing again.
The song is possibly the most covered song ever made, mostly on YouTube. It is also a free downloadable on Rock Band, the popular pretend-you're-with-your-friends-and-jamming-very-coolly-even-though-the-plastic-instruments- you're-playing-this-game-with-definitely-aren't-real game.
24/05/08 1542.35.662 Released on Rock Band, but I didn't make a darned cent off of Xbox Live.
24/05/08 1542.35.772 Darn thing was released for free.
24/05/08 1542.36.014 Oh well, I'm fictional anyway.
GLaDOS is currently in hiding in an undisclosed bakery, where there is plenty of cake.
9/02/1011011 cake.cake.(subject number here) Now, please step into the aperture science 4000 degrees kelvin super colliding super oven to retrieve your cake.
#$%#$^$#%/@$/#$%##@ error.malfunction.(fling yourself) Por favor de donde fallar muchos gracias de fallar gracias.
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