Playstation 4
“This is one damn cool refrigerator!”
The PlayStation 4 is the newest offering into the console market by Sony, who have characterized the console as 'extremely experimental', probably as an attempt to rival better systems. Though little information has been released, the bits that have been leaked out have indicated a very promising future for the system and the company, and it might just dig them out of the ditch they've dug. It appears to DO EVERYTHING, and has the AI to do your mom.
The design for the new console was recently released to the general public, which appears to be a plain, ordinary cardboard box. When questioned about this controversial prototype, a Sony representative chuckled lightheartedly and explained the true nature of the system. "This is just the start," Sony announced. "What we have here is a platform. The box is just the beginning. We will expand it. And you'll get to buy the upgrades to make it really do things, like actually play games. How would you like a way to control the system? We're planning a revolutionary new idea, which we like to call the controller. Well, it might not actually... do anything. But it's definitely a possibility."
Some information about these upgrades have been leaked to the press, upsetting Sony greatly by allowing other companies to attempt to reproduce their ideas, though few would be stupid enough to do so. One such upgrade was quoted to be a 'spoon-shaped piece of metal' with the 'Sony logo emblazoned on it.' Another appeared to be a shoe box that would serve as a hardware expansion to the box. Some wires and bits of silicon had been thrown into this extension to make it look "technological and all fancy-like."
Games
After the leak of the hardware expansion (thats what she said), Sony began to release information about future gaming titles, in a pathetic attempt to drum up publicity. Among the announced games are:
Spoon Hero: An exciting musical thrill ride which utilizes the spoon expansion to the fullest of its abilities. The game is being put out by the company Activision in an attempt to make their other 'rock-related games' more accessible to the general public. Spoon Hero allows you to 'drum with a spoon' to your personal favorite songs. "You can drum with the spoon almost anywhere," quoted an exciting Sony press release. "You don't even have to have the PS4 around to do it! Just put the music on and drum at whatever speed or difficulty you want."
Make Your Own Movies: "We want to try and do something else that we suck at even more, which is making movies," the release said. "But now we're letting you make the movies yourself, in your head." The release resisted to the comparison to some games that have already allowed you to do such a thing, claiming that the limits were "nonexistent". "It can be anything you imagine. Because you are imagining it. We're just giving you the opportunity to do so, for only $70 and a monthly subscription."
Metal Gear Solid 5: Guns of the Babysitters: With the success of Metal Gear Solid 4, Konami decided to take another dramatic change in age, in the fifth installment you will play as Snake when he was a young child of 1 year. "I wanted players to learn more about Snake's background" says creator Hideo Kojima "I think the fans will praise this title for the risks it takes." Players will encounter various obstacles (Older sibling, play pens, family pets), obtain weapons such as Soiled Diapers, a Rattle, and Projectile Vomit. They will also be able to do things all babies do, such as sleep, eat, and speak random nonsense, to immerse the player in the experience.
Every PS1 Game, Again: The press release also announced a brand new expansion that had not been leaked yet, which appears to be a PS1 expansion to the PS4. "This is a device separate from the PS4," explained the document, "and it allows you to play all of your original PS1 games in their regular format. Why, it even says PS on it! For original PlayStation! But it's new and exciting technology, and since it's sort of experimental, you should be thrilled."
Sony refused to share any more games, though we can probably expect some games where you just shoot things and maybe a few platformers. "We also plan to rape all existing and popular franchises," said the company, "so expect your treasured and nostalgic memories of old games to be destroyed by a new, shitty one."
Where Can I Purchase It?
Sony has announced its decision to release the system everywhere imaginable and only charge $100,000.99 for the platform. This charge has been called "far too low" by Sony diehards and has caused much joy and happiness. Some PS4s have already been released to the market, though they're extremely difficult to obtain. "You can tell it's authentic by the blankness," said a representative. "Or it might have PS4 scrawled on it in Magic Marker. But part of the joy of the system is being able to fully customize it yourself, or 'mod' it, as some of you gamers would say."
Some gaming stores, such as Gamestop, have discovered PS4s lurking in their back rooms, and are selling them to advance customers at only a slightly larger charge than originally offered. The only game to currently be included with the PS4 is the newest iteration of Alone in the Dark, which involves placing the PS4 over yourself and then not moving. The game has already been receiving rave reviews from critics, who are most definitely not plants by Sony, and is expected to move millions of copies when finally released to the general public. A sequel, Alone in the Dark 2: Long, is scheduled to be released soon.
Reception
Sony fans have been thrilled beyond belief, raving in the forums about all of the exciting news. Many have erupted joyously in the streets in brilliantly choreographed sequences, singing the praises of the oncoming beauty and rapture, comparing it to the arrival of their Savior. Pre-orders have already been placed, which has caused many die-hards to murder others on the pre-order list in order to get a spot themselves.
Others are not so excited, due to the fact that Sony has made some mistakes in the past. Several critics have called the system a "pile of crap", and that people are going to be "paying for something they could easily go without." Sony scoffs at these people, knowing that they'll be proven wrong when the time finally rolls around and the PS4 is released, which will be approximately three years after it should've been.
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Featured version: 17 August 2008 |
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