Fatman
“I must say and state that never and not for as long as the universe has existed has there ever been or existed a superhero and customed vigilant so excessively large, behemothic, mountainous, cyclopean, enormous, gargantuan, humongous, mammothian, titanic, monumental, elephantine, colossal, prodigious and immense as Fatman, who is a superhero and customed vigilant who calls himself Fatman.”
“Holy pork pie with lemonade, Fatman!”
Fatman is a superhero in MC Comics. He is a parody of the more well known superhero Batman, and was created as part of an insidious scheme by Ronald McDonald and The Burger King as a way of "counteracting those slim ideals constantly seen in the Batman comics and others". He lives in Glutton City, a fictional locality in USA, where he is the city's foremost crimefighter.
History of the comics[edit]
The Fatman comics were created when McDonald's, Burger King, Pepsi, Coca-Cola and many other ultra-capitalistic international junk food companies joined forces and decided that the heroes and villains in modern comics were way too slim and might deter people from buying their disgusting junk food. Therefore they created a propaganda strip called "Fatman", about a morbidly obese superhero based in Glutton City and whose arch-enemy is the Jogger, a notorious health care promoter and dietitian gone mad who constantly tries to puts into motion new diabolic schemes to put the entire population of the city on a diet. The comic also deals with the supposed futility and emptiness of trying to live a healthy life, and that the only good way to get rid of a temptation is to succumb to it.
Whether there is any truth to this or not is not so important as the fact that this is what the fast food giants obviously want people to believe with their propaganda. Gotham City was replaced with "Glutton City", the Batmobile became the Fatmobile, the "Batarang" became the "Fatarang", used by Fatman not as a weapon, but simply as a tool to snatch hamburgers out of the hands of unsuspecting overeaters (often children) so that he may eat the hamburger himself, feeding his virtually bottomless abdomen with more nigh-inedible rotting organic matter. Some argue that the Fatman comic books are to blame for the near-pandemic obesity that is spreading across the world, depicting massive overeating as the greatest thing since sliced bread. The poor Alfred Pennyworth became, instead of a butler, Fatman's private cook, having to work day and night to supply Fatman with more and more fast food, and Vicki Vale became Vicki Whale.
Biography[edit]
Fatman was born Grease E. Swine on 29th February 1962, to a wealthy family, though his parents, named Thomas and Martha, died when he was young due to having been poisoned with radioactive tofu by an unknown assailant, later revealed to be the Jogger. His father had been the CEO of Swine Industries, the company that largely began the transformation of Glutton City into the Mecca of Morbidity and which Grease then inherited. He may have lost his parents, but he sure as hell did not lose his appetite. For Grease would now often take solace in comfort food, though he prefers to not use the term solace himself due to its articulated similarity with "salad". Fatman thus became fat (or to be honest, fatter) as a result of his never-ending appetite, and because his parents had had the money to buy mountains of irresistibly tasty food. By the age of 21 Fatman weighed in at a sweating 58 stone.[1] One day his inherited family mansion was hit by a mysterious purple meteorite, which he only survived as a result of his great bulk. Scientists describe his survival being because, "for Grease it was more like being hit with a small pea rather than a meteorite. The fat bastard." It was the impact, and the alien substances from the meteor, that gave Fatman his special powers. The accident gave him strength, speed and agility that is vastly unproportional to what could be expected from your average 700+ pound overeater, alongside with several other abilities, all of which are described in the article.
Fatman has a side-kick, Blobbin, a juvenile hall snitch whom he took under his wing in his civilian identity of Grease Swine, revealing his alter ego to him and letting him become his tattle-taling side-kick, Blobbin the Boy Plunder, and Grease' adoptive daughter, Candy Cane, has also helped in fighting crime under the alias Fatgirl. His family's insurance company aided him in rebuilding the family mansion, bigger, fatter and better than ever. Due to his massive obesity, Fatman is legendary for his ability to snore at a decibel rate equaling a firing cannon, a whooping 140db or so! He sleeps in his Fatcave under the mansion complex, or else his snoring would be heard all the way to Glutton City. Luckily for his domestic workers however, Swine Industries are among the planet's top manufacturers of industrial sound isolation and noise reduction.
One day, while walking outside the mansion in the garden, Fatman's weight and density caused the ground outside the mansion to collapse, and he fell through a deep fissure in the earth. Due to his mass, he continued to fall through the entire crust of the earth, and even through the very core of the planet, eventually resurfacing from the uncontrollable reverse freefall on the opposite side of the planet, which turned out to be western Bhutan. There he began to study many different Asian martial arts until he was considered the best ultra-obese martial artist on the planet. After a few years of self-chosen exile, he returned to his mansion outside Glutton City and began to use his vast inherited fortune to model a new superhero identity. He named himself Fatman because of his identifying trait of being fat and used his resources to buy some funny gadgets and other stuff that he could use to fight criminals with. He's also been named "The Pork Blight" and "The Caped Confectioner" at times.
He made a vow to never kill, but on the other hand, he never made a vow to not eat the criminals, which he regularly does, often with butterscotch sauce. A popular plot device for the writers to retcon the villains back to life while avoiding breaking Fatman's vow of non-killing have followingly been to simply give Fatman diarrhea, even if half of the comic must unsurprisingly be censored when it happens. Fatman's first action as a superhero was to save a baby from a burning bush, though Fatman proceeded by eating the baby, and was given an ASBO as a result. Most notoriously, he is credited as having eaten Alexandra DeWitt, Kyle Rayner's late girlfriend, with zabaione and red wine as soon as he heard rumours that she had been found in a refrigerator (anything found in a refrigerator is fair game for Fatman), saying as an excuse "Mmmmmmm... women in refrigerators served cold with zabaione - my favourite meal ever!".
In an intercompany crossover, the comic book Batman #113 from February 1958 depicts Fatman teaming up with his slimmer counterpart Batman to take on the bad guys. He have also teamed up with Captain Selfish at one occasion, in which the Captain invited Fatman to a payed buffet at a restaurant whose owner had had the nerve to stretch his tongue out at Captain Selfish a few years ago (or so he claimed), which resulted in the bankruptcy of said restaurant after Fatman had eaten everything they had and more, just as Captain Selfish had hoped. However, Captain Selfish would not stop bullying Fatman over his weight and called him a fat pig, which Fatman responded to by trying to eat the captain, after which he departed in rage.
Glutton City[edit]
“A blue whale a day keeps the hunger away”
Fatman lives just outside the flourishing metropolis[2] Glutton City, informally nicknamed as the Mecca of Morbidity, a happy city where there are at an average five dozen fast food restaurants per block, restaurants to which parents can take their beloved wee ones (who are anything but "wee" in Glutton City, if you know what we mean) to the closest restaurant to eat XXXXXXXXXL-sized pizzas and quintuple-layered hamburgers with extra cheese, containing immeasurable amounts of calories and trans-fats while still, despite the staggering amount of calories, having the nutritional value of Styrofoam. Those meals normally include breakfast, brunch, elevenses, lunch, banquet, buffet, supper and some other city-specific meals, all with that obligatory sugar-rich desert that just melts in your mouth. The average Gluttonian eats about 14 000 calories per day and is always hungry despite spending nearly the whole day eating and drinking (always some sort of Cola). People in Glutton City never works, but instead sit and eat junk food all day long.
The city is notorious for its alarming crime rate, as its citizens are constantly robbed while moving from one fast food restaurant to another. The citizens are generally too fat to run away from the criminals, and they always have lots of cash on them just to make sure that they can always afford that extra chocolate bar that can be so essential in ensuring that they can endure the long walk to the nearest fast food restaurant (which is often a whooping 50 meter away). The citizens of Glutton City make sure to always get some exercise every day; thus they walk back and forth to the refrigerator at least 20 times per day. The average Gluttonian has five teeth left due to the massive amounts of cola they drink every day. Every dentist in town has long since fled the city in panic, as has the dietitians, with the exception of the insane Jogger. The plentiful amount of pizza restaurants across the city are all owned by Jabba the Hutt, while Ronald McDonald and The Burger King each own one half of the hamburger chains. Glutton City is famous for containing Porkham Asylum, a mental institution where the authorities lock away anyone who believes that 1 + 1 does not equal "Fish" (a theorem proved by the Jogger at a time when he was still sane). This is in turn based upon the eldritch Arkham Asylum, the stygian facility where people who have foolishly read the Necronomicon to the end are being held.
Rogues gallery[edit]
Like Batman and his Gotham City, Fatman has made an enemy out of his own share of colorful evil-doers as well, many of whom have since been eaten.
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The Jogger[edit]
The Jogger is a supervillain, the anti-thesis to Fatman and a scourge to the obese population of Glutton City. Originally one of the few dietitians in Glutton City who hadn't fled in panic from the widespread morbid obesity of the city, he one day fell into a huge vat of mineral water by accident. Discovering that the mineral water had miraculously turned him from a reasonably overweight person into a slim and muscular athlete with the power to run like hell, he went mad and vowed to rid the city of obesity and the multinational oligarchy behind it. Due to his deficit diet, the Jogger was also physically and mentally disfigured: his hair turning green because of eating too much lettuce and broccoli, his skin turning pale and sickly because of deficit vitamin B12, iron and vitamin D, and his lips turned ruby red because of eating too many tomatoes, and turned psychotic by the lack of Omega 3 fats to his brain. He made a criminal career out of secretly switching people's hamburgers with vegan soy equivalents with whole grain hamburger bread and replacing cola with colored carbonated mineral water before Fatman decided that it was about enough of "all this health care bullshit". Fatman discovered to his dismay that the Jogger was secretly running a criminal underground chain of aerobic exercise gyms and was recruiting citizens from all around the city into his "new and healthier way". In his most ambitious move, the Jogger attempted, through subliminal television flashes, to brainwash hundreds of thousands of citizens into running a marathon race around the Gluttonic countryside, but Fatman tried to run the Jogger over with his Fatmobile, only to discover that he was so heavy that the car could drive at the very most at 25 km/hour - the Jogger, being as athletic as he is, could simply run in circles around Fatman's Fatmobile, laughing as he ran.
The Pigeon[edit]
Oswald Chamberpot also known as The Pigeon was a birdwatcher who after witnessing mankind's gluttony was driving birds to extinction took action, studying at law school for years on end, to get equal rights for birds, specifically poultry. After his plea was refused in court he waged a war against man-kind, as the "Pigeon" commanding birds to do his bidding with a magic whistle and devising hair-brain schemes to fly as a bird does. After interrupting Thanksgiving in Glutton City, the leading killer of birds in the world he plagued the dork knight and boy plunder, ultimately dying after his latest flying machine malfunctioned in mid-flight and he fell to his death. Birds went back to normal, but man never underestimated them again.
Harley Davidson[edit]
Originally the Jogger's psychiatrist, Dr. Harleen Frances Davidson was eventually brainwashed by the mad dietitian to hate fat people and the God given right to eat as much as one like without any wet blanket health freak complaining, and while trying to escape afterwards, was pushed into a petroleum tank by the Jogger and as a consequence gained through mutation an ability to assume a form resembling to confusion a fast driving motorcycle, although imbued with a malign intent towards any fat people. She has a habit of luring fatties to mount her and then drive them to their doom by stopping abrubtly at a cliff or something similar, throwing them off to meet a splatting end while making it seem like an accident. While not driving around looking like a motorcycle, she remains a psychiatrist secretly in cahoots with the Jogger and is trying to get into the brains of important key members of the Gluttonian societal elite and secretly manipulate them into giving up their gourmandizing lifestyle for a new and healthier way, although Fatman distrusts her since according to him, there is something suspicious about her being so slim, as many slim people in Glutton City tend to be minions of the Jogger, and that she promotes a healthier lifestyle, since anyone who advocates people to live past the age of 40 in such a horrid, God-awful city "must be insane [him/her]self indeed", as Fatman puts it.
The Diddler[edit]
Edward Bowin, also known as The Diddler, is a mass murdering supervillain who was once raped by his megafat pedophilic neighbour during his childhood and as a result developed an intense hatred towards all fat people because of the trauma. He began to shake uncontrollably due to a severe nervous breakdown. He eventually moved to Glutton City where he had heard there were more fat people than anywhere on earth, people he could enact his unholy revenge on. Proving to be a scientific genius, when Edward began to study mechanical engineering at Miskatonic University, the prime university in Gluttony City, he got the smashing idea that he should use his constant shaking as a weapon and thus deviced one of the most perverse inventions ever: a cybernetic implant which would cause him to vibrate at a specific frequency that actually kills any nearby fat person. The thing is that the specific frequency causes a lethal resonance in a human's intestines, but only if the person has enough body fat stored in her/his body. The resonance, when travelling through enough body fat, will transmute into another frequency that causes all stored food in the guts to auto-ferment and cause a catastrophic case of extreme gastric dilatation (bloat), literally causing the fat person to explode. He took on the stage name "The Diddler" as his alter ago and his modus operandi became that he would visit a random fast food restaurant and then turn on his implanted vibration device, killing all fat people in the restaurant. In order to combat him safely, Fatman created an anti-resonance device that could disrupt the effect of the vibration implant. The Diddler is still at large and continues to target McDonald's and Burger King restaurants in particular.
KitKatWoman[edit]
Selina Karl also known as KitKitWoman is a world-renowned candy burglar. Growing up with a wealthy family, she was spoiled with chocolates, confectionary and sweets of all kinds. When she grew up she found her job could not support her and she could not buy the candy she had taken for granted as a child. So she decided to steal it, using her athletic build and gymnastic expertise doubled with an arsenal of candy such as exploding kitkats and a licorice whip as the candy burglar, Kitkatwoman, designing a costume to conceal her true identity in her heists. Bleeding milk bars and candy stores in Glutton City dry she was the slinky yet dentally demented oppressor of all sweet lovers including Fatman and Dob'in.
Poison Gravy[edit]
Poison Gravy was Glutton City's only activist for the (in Glutton City) criminalized Greenpeace organization. One day she was bitten by a radioactive lettuce whilst visiting a neighboring city (there are no lettuce in Glutton City, as they are deemed too healthy and low on calories) and was imbued with the power to manipulate plants. She got her alias "Poison Gravy" from her tendency to put brainwashing toxins into the gravy of various meat meals, toxins which will cause the victim to develop a lifelong distaste towards all animal based food and convert to veganism, loosing most of their overweight. Of course, this is completely unacceptable to Fatman, who upholds the gluttonous ideals of Glutton City. The newly donned supervillainess Poison Gravy quickly joined forces with the Jogger and helped him poison hamburgers and pizzas across the city by putting vegetables into them. She helped the Jogger organize his new nationwide gym chain empire and quickly made an enemy out of high ranking officials in the city's morbidly obese police force and politicians, all of which were bribed by McDonald's and Coca-Cola. She sowed the seed of her ultimate downfall when she tried to release a herd of a million cattle in a gigantic livestock farm outside Glutton City to save them from being slaughtered and turned into hamburgers for the amusement of the Gluttonian citizens, as she was accidentally impaled by a raging bull while doing so. It should be noticed that despite being a vegan, Poison Gravy once tried to turn over a thousand innocent Gluttonians into Soylent Green.
Killer Carrot[edit]
Originally named Waylon Jones, the man who would become the supervillain Killer Carrot was one of Glutton City's most avid meat eaters, but discovered to his horror that he suffered from the extremely rare condition known as Daucus syndrome[3], which causes him to gradually transform into the form of a semi-humanoid carrot. When he one day discovered that his condition had progressed so far that he was unable to as much as even eat meat, his mind snapped and he took the name "Killer Carrot", and from that point his philosophy became that if he cannot have meat, then neither should anyone else. Of course, this was no winning concept in Glutton City, where the citizens eat the weight of 50 Himalayan mountains in meat each year. He has all the characteristics that you can expect of a humanoid carrot, such as superhuman strength, impenetrable skin, razorsharp teeth and healing factor. Like Poison Gravy, he began to target livestock farms and slaughterhouses and to release cattle and once freed all animals in the Glutton Zoo. However, this turn out to be a mistake as all the escaped animals were assaulted and eaten alive by the ever-hungry denizens of Glutton City. He seemingly died when, after a fierce battle with Fatman, he got stuck under a combine harvester which apparently peeled of his orange skin as a potato peeler would do to a true carrot.
Ra's al Gore[edit]
The worst eco-terrorist known to man, Ra's al Gore was a former vice-president under the Clinton administration. During his vice-presidency, he became aware of the horrors and decadence of Glutton City, which he labeled as a disgrace to the USA. He became an avid environmentalist after visiting Glutton City and seeing the city with his own eyes. Having the most morbidly obese citizens anywhere on earth, Glutton City turned out to be a major environmental hazard, with the farts of its citizens alone accounting for half of the planets annual release of carbon dioxide (CO2) and methane (CH4)! Apart from this, the citizens never walks or takes the bike but always drives cars, releasing massive amounts of pollution. The millions of tons of candy that the Gluttonians consume annually are so colourful that it's known to be highly radioactive, as are Captain Obvious Cereals, the most popular cereal in the city. Well, the list of evidence that Glutton City is the source of all environmental troubles worldwide can become quite lengthy...
Deciding that Glutton City was unworthy of existing and that its corrupt and corpulent elite was incapable of running the city properly, Ra's al Gore decides that the best way of ridding the world of corruption is to take control of it himself in order to create a perfect environment. He launches an assault upon Glutton City with the intent of forcing it to ban all junk food and all things that kept the population physically inactive, such as TV's, computers, elevators, escalators, lift trucks and cars for instance, effectively sending Glutton City back to the Stone Age.
He founded a sinister organisation called "League of Assholes", consisting of various terrorists, animal rights activists, militant vegans and even Mother Nature herself in all her villainous splendour, to deal with Fatman, who was trying to uphold the unhealthy ideals of Glutton City. However, Fatman was so heavy that he simply crushed all these tiny paleskinned terrorists under him, mostly by accident. He proved too tough for the League of Assholes, which was mostly using leeks as weapons, which were incapable of penetrating Fatmans dozens of fat layers. The League of Assholes are all capable Martial artists, but no martial art has ever ever been known to work on Fatman due to his many protective layers of fat and sheer weight, which makes it impossible to even pull him over. Ra's al Gore continues to plot against Fatman and Glutton City with "all this environmentalism bullshit", as Fatman himself calls it. Ra's al Gore's greatest asset is his private airplane which he uses to travel around the world to enlist more followers to his League of Assholes. He also possesses the formidable superpower of hypocrisy.
GreaseFace[edit]
Barry Karl worked at Pizza Hut flipping meat patties until one day the deep fryer exploded in his face and the oil merged with his DNA turning him into a blob of shape-shifting mush. Extremely strong and able to change his body into any shape or form, he is one of Fatman's most powerful enemies.
The Mad Splatter[edit]
Once Jervis Petch, CEO of Burger King, he went mad and flew around Glutton City in a helicopter armed with a giant spatula which he used to squash people like insects turning them into meat patties for his disgusting burgers. He was arrested for cannibalism and given the electric chair.
Hummus[edit]
An innocent bystander who was almost eaten by Fatman and left wrapped up in bandages held together by Hummus. Now he wants to kill Fatman by eating him. Fatman unwrapped his bandages revealing he was a blob of mushy Hummus which Fatman then devoured. His soul is trapped in Fatman's belly and can still be heard begging to be released.
Superpowers[edit]
Fatman has numerous powers including:
- Bear hug - Fatman embraces any opponent with a tight squeeze and can easily suffocate them.
- Flab slap - Fatman can stretch out his arms and his flab will slap any villain or opponent to death.
- Great regurgitation - Fatman showers any opponent with semi-digested food through regurgitation, prohibiting them from any action for a short-period of time.
- Super bounce - Fatman's many protective layers of fat and nearly symmetrically ballshaped body gives him a superhuman ability to bounce of the ground dozens of times before landing when jumping from a high place rather than land directly, like a bouncy ball.
- Super bump - A variant of the super bounce, except that he uses his own body to cause opponents to bounce off him violently, either by running into them or waiting for them to charge towards him. The running into a person is highly remeniscient of a Sumo wrestling charge, which Fatman excels at.
- Super drink - Fatman can drink nearby lakes or water streams empty to quench the all-consuming thirst caused by the copious amounts of salt he consumes with his pommes frites and salted snacks every day, stopping any thug who tries to escape by sea. However, he can only perform this stunt after carbonating it and pouring in cola powder.
- Super fallover - Fatman can simply fall over, that is to say, throw himself to the ground in front of a target. Any villain, or anyone else for that matter, will be instantly crushed by his massive weight. However, it takes several hours and massive industrial cranes for Fatman to get back on his feet again, so he rarely pulls this one.
- Super burp - Fatman can, after swallowing a large amount of cola drinks, burp at a deafening level of 160 decibels, instantly breaking the eardrums of any criminal. However, this also break his own eardrums as well as those of other people around him, not to mention every piece of glass across the city due to the cataclysmic shockwave of his superburps.
- Super weight - Fatman can sit on, and suffocate any villain. A more preferable variant of the super fallover.
- Donut gun - Fatman can knock any villain unconscious by firing smoking hot donuts at them, giving them third degree burns.
- Super absorbation - Fatman can absorb any villain into his countless layers of fat, where they will suffocate and/or be crushed. Often this happens by accident, even to non-villains, after someone simply runs into him...
- Super diarrhea - He can flush away villains many miles by crapping on them after drinking laxatives. They will generally spend a whole year off panel in the comics trying to get themselves cleaned up, both physically and mentally, afterwards.
- Lightning fart - Fatman's farts have a super electrical charge which can strike down his opponents with one well aimed fart.
Fatman Interview[edit]
Fatman gave a rare interview to The Sun newspaper on 3rd April 2007. Fatman was quizzed on many personal matters, and in response to a question, claimed his greatest achievement was pitching his tent by himself on his Duke of Edinburgh's Award Bronze practice expedition, though he then had to sleep outside, as he could not fit in the tent, but used it instead to store his vast food supplies.
Within the interview Fatman admitted to having Jewish roots, and admitted he came out of retirement in 2001, for a brief period, to head al-Qaeda's Jewish wing and collaborated with Osama bin Laden himself. Fatman also claimed to have no knowledge at the time of al-Qaeda's terrorist activities, claiming, "I thought I was running the kosher department of Mr bin Laden's i take away service."
Fatman also claimed to have had a passionate affair with Jennifer Aniston, whilst she was still married to Brad Pitt, although Jennifer herself dismissed this as a faux pas where she had "simply mistaken [Fatman] for a bouncy castle".
Famous quotes from the comics[edit]
“To the Fatmobile, Blobbin!”
“One day, Jogger, I am going to eat you... with whipped cream!”
“So Blobbin, what shall we have for lunch today?”
“A nuclear bomb test? No, that's just my stomach telling me it's time for lunch soon...”
“Aaaaaahhhh... I haven't tasted a meal this delicious since so many minutes ago that I can't even count them on my two hands anymore!”
“Uhhhh... sorry Vicki dear, but I don't have time for cinema tonight, as I'm going to... uhhhhh... work on my list of people I'm planning to eat in the nearest future, you see... ”
“Blobbin, how many times must I tell you - nothing is an obstacle as long as you can eat your way through it!”
See Also[edit]
Notes[edit]
- ↑ Roughly equaling 368 kilograms or 812 pounds.
- ↑ Although Gluttonians themselves like to use the humoristic term "Fatropolis".
- ↑ It's so rare in fact that only one case has ever been recorded in the history of the universe, although the exact opposite thing has happened quite a few times in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.