Barbeque

“Come get some!”

~ Duke Nukem on hosting a suburban barbeque

Barbeque (or just BBQ or Barbie) is a term for any of several related methods of preparing food over an open fire. Barbequeing was first invented by prehistoric humans who lived along I-35 near Kansas City. Anthropologists believe barbequeing became popular because the smoke of a burning Brontosaurus carcass would keep the mosquitoes away for weeks — and mosquitoes were a lot bigger then. Only Interstate 20 in South Carolina is known to be a barbeque corridor in the United States.

History

Barbequeing, or "Bar-B-Q'ing", appears then to have been lost to civilization throughout Biblical times, except in Israel where it was practiced religiously and Medieval Europe where it was done only to witches. For the rest of the world, the barbeque was rediscovered accidentally by an Persian nomad in the summer of 1241 AD, when the food he was preparing in a pot exploded and was totally consumed by the consequent fire. Seeing this as a reason to gather friends together for a discussion of sultanic politics, virgins in heaven and camel saddles, he called several friends to his tent and repeated the process, after which they hired a woman to clean up.

Since that time, Bar-B-Q has become more and more sophisticated, until today, even Eskimo women can burn large quantities of baby seal meat without any help from the men.

Equipment

Today, "barbeque grills" are sold in many stores. The modern barbeque grill may have electric lights, hot and/or cold running water, a Jacuzzi attachment (optional) and a beer spigot. The modern barbeque grill is useful for:

• completely burning sausages or meat you put on it
• warming the Jacuzzi, and providing a heated seat
• It is a very effective way to spread smoke (which drives away mosquitoes)
• The device is especially useful for bringing offers to your neighbors.
• Having fun when you're a sadist ;).

Barbeque process

The barbeque consists of two elements:

1. Fire
2. Food

Barbeque fire

A barbeque fire uses both a "fuel" and a "flavor" element, and requires a flammable tinder.

The best fuels for a barbeque fire:

• Thousands upon thousands of wooden matches (at least one of which must be "strike anywhere")
• Charcoal briquets (which are actually a mixture of petrified buffalo dung and cigarette butts)
• Recent editions of the New York Times

The preferred "flavor" elements for a barbeque fire, in order of preference, are:

• Hickory, oak, hemp, or acacia wood
• 3-5 charcoal briquets
• Angelina Jolie's bobby sox
• Recent editions of the New York Times

For flammable tinder, use either aviation fuel, premium grade gasoline, or 120-proof (or stronger) liquor. Charcoal "lighter fluid", although marketed for this purpose, is not suitable for lighting a barbeque fire; in fact, so-called "lighter fluid" is routinely used by the Metropolitan Houston (Texas) fire department to extinguish major oil-refinery fires.

Barbeque food

Although the preferred food for barbeques varies greatly from region to region, generally the foods used in barbeque cooking fall into one of the following categories:

• meat harvested from a freshly-killed animal, such as a cow, buffalo, or bull elephant
• meat harvested from a frozen and previously killed animal, such as a cow, buffalo, or polar bear
• sausages, which are not considered meat by the Hasidic Jewish community of Poughkeepsie, New Jersey
• breasts and thighs of chicken, turkey, African swallow, or Pamela Anderson

For a vegetarian barbeque, try potatoes, tofu patties, or recent editions of the New York Times. (Some research indicates that soaking the potatoes in salt water for 3 hours prior to grilling will cause the potatoes to not feel any pain from the heat, but this claim is disputed by PETA, Pamela Anderson, and recent editions of the New York Times.)

Barbeque sauces

Most barbeque chefs recommend using a sauce that contains tomato paste, spices, and either beer, wine, or breast milk from pregnant alligators. Marionating is the act of using a puppet with a hollow body and working urethral system to drip the sauce onto the food for several hours prior to actual cooking.

Also, do not cook the following substances as food:

• C-4,
• Infantile turtles (sometimes referred to as turtlettes),
• Alien genitals (multi-coloured or otherwise),
• Or... pasta.

Or I will come to your house and retile your roof without express written permission, and I'll do a damn crappy job at it, too!

The family barbeque

The family barbeque is largely a woman's job, as illustrated below. This is because the men are often too busy engaging in watching homo-erotic sports, such as football on television, and therefore cannot help. The exception is if you are TK Pit Bitching.

A typical family barbeque

• The woman makes the salad
• The woman lays out the table
• The woman prepares all the drinks
• The woman puts the coal on top of the grill of the gas barbeque
• THE MAN TAKES OVER AND LIGHTS THE BARBEQUE
• The woman brings the meat to the barbeque
• THE MAN PUTS THE MEAT ON THE BARBEQUE
• The woman screams hysterically at the man when the meat is just starting to cook.
• The woman screams hysterically at the man when the meat is burning.
• THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE BARBEQUE AND GIVES IT TO THE WOMAN, WHO PUTS IT ON THE TABLE.
• The woman cuts the meat and distributes it amongst everyone.
• EVERYONE THANKS THE MAN FOR DOING SUCH A GREAT BARBEQUE.
• The woman cleans up.

In some cases, depending on social background, the man puts on a sleeveless t-shirt and smacks his woman around when everyone leaves for flirting with his friends during the barbeque. Incidence of this increases when alcohol is used as a flammable tinder.

BBQ

But don't be fooled! Many people fall into the trap of associating BBQs with Barbecues. They are similar, BUT the meat's puree'd until it's Tofulike in texture, and served with ice-cold Gazpacho. Delicious. BBQs are also used as a men's (less boring) version of "dinner party".

Barbecue Tips

1. If you have a bottle of beer, you can wear a pink shirt.

2. If you have a giant slab of partially-burnt meat all stuffed in your mouth, you can still wear a pink shirt, as long as you dribble on it.

3. If everyone else is full, and very, VERY drunk, you can wear ridiculously tight hot pink lycra, and drink champagne.

4. If you're barbecuing, you're entitled to most of the meat.

5. NEVER GIVE THE MEAT TO THE DOG! THINK ABOUT IT!! WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT?!?! (This is negated incase of burnt-beyond-tasty food. Give it to the dog and watch it cough char. It's awesome.)

6. BBQ is NOT a substitute for a Barbecue.

Internet References to BBQ

Used in the statement: OMGWTFBBQ.

Barbecue Illuminati

A long rumored secret society, reportedly founded in New York's Suffolk County in the early 70s. In addition to bottling and consuming their own secret sauce, members conspire to wreak havoc on non-member 'que-ers and, by various methods, ensuring their failure at the grill. In 2007, a faction of the Illuminati broke off after numerous disputes over the production and sale of Illuminati hats, and the Ash Holes sect was subsequently formed. Described as a hybrid between the Church of Scientology and Blue Man Group, the Illuminati has reported boasted such members as Booby Flay, Dan Krueger (inventor of the boneless rib sandwich made popular by a certain fast food joint), and George Bush Sr.

Influence on penguins

Barbeques are a very popular cooking device all over the world, except in the hot countries, because they just take out their drumsticks from Costco, leave them in the sun and wait 10 minutes. The most popular place with Barbeques is not the United States of America, as most people would expect. It is actually Antarctica. What with all the Hollywood trends, penguins have now decided that eating raw shrimp is "unCOOL" so now, the entire continent has at least 3 billion barbeques, approximately one million barbeques per penguin.

The barbeque has a great impact on the penguin's life. Ever since the peanderthals popped up (which also raises the question: What came first, the Peanderthal or the egg?), they have been trying to cook their food over fire.

Unfortunately, two problems made this quite difficult to achieve: One, this was back when Antarctica, (then called ROOOAAARRR, because the English language we speak now was not invented until 1943. Until then, everyone simply roared or grunted. Sadly, many people did not catch on. A prime example of one who "missed the boat" was the man name Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. He was on the reality show "Home Improvement" which set cameras in his family's house and invited people to come inside and laugh at his families misfortunes. This show is not to be confused with a sitcom called "Home Improvement" that ran in the nineties and featured rising astronaut doll Buzz Lightyear (who was soon to become the Santa Clause) as Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor) was undersea and the only time that you can light a fire under sea is when you are an anthropomorphic yellow sponge who lives in an edible, juicy, collective fruit of a tropical, bromeliaceous plant, Ananas comosus, that develops from a spike or head of flowers and is surmounted by a crown of leaves with a domesticated or tamed animal that is kept as a companion and cared for affectionately who just happens to be a mollusk of the class Gastropoda, having a spirally coiled shell and a ventral muscular foot on which it slowly glides about. The anthropormorphic sponge's neighbor is a several ten-armed cephalopods, as of the genera Loligo and Ommastrephes, having a slender body and a pair of rounded or triangular caudal fins and varying in length from 4–6 in. (10–15 cm) to 60–80 ft. (18–24 m) who lives in a representation of a Moai, most commonly found on Easter Island or in Las Vegas. The anthropormorphic sponge's boon companion is a echinoderm of the class Asteroidea, having the body radially arranged, usually in the form of a star, with five or more rays or arms radiating from a central disk; he is a color varying from light crimson to pale reddish purple and wears green men's loose-fitting undershorts with an elastic waistband. The anthropomorphic sponge works at a place where food, as hamburgers, pizza, or fried chicken, that is prepared in quantity by a standardized method and can be dispensed quickly at inexpensive restaurants for eating there or elsewhere. His person who employs or superintends workers is a decapod crustacean of the suborder Brachyura, having the eyes on short stalks and a short, broad, more or less flattened body, the abdomen being small and folded under the thorax, who likes circulating medium of exchange, including coins, paper money, and demand deposits and who has a female child or person in relation to her parents named after a smooth, rounded bead formed within the shells of certain mollusks and composed of the mineral aragonite or calcite in a matrix, deposited in concentric layers as a protective coating around an irritating foreign object: valued as a gem when lustrous and finely colored, and who is of the larger marine mammals of the order Cetacea, esp. as distinguished from the smaller dolphins and porpoises, having a fishlike body, forelimbs modified into flippers, and a head that is horizontally flattened.

The other reason why peanderthals could not properly boil their food was because they did not have opposable thumbs. One must have opposable thumbs to to things with thumbs, such as provide a "Thumbs Down", know that you have four additional phalanges, and to drive a motor vehicle. The peanderthals couldn't do any of those, save for the last, which is how they ended up losing the privileges of using all their fingers.

After the peanderthal's misfortune, they started eating their fish raw. Sadly, the peanderthals were exposed to a high amount of salmonella, and since only salmon and people named "Ella" are immune to salmonella, the peanderthals became instinct, save for one little peanderthal, who then grew up to be James Bond.

Centuries after, in 1905, a boy named Frank Epperson left out on his porch a mixture of powdered soda and water that contained a stir stick. That night, temperatures in San Francisco reached record low temperature. When he woke the next morning, he discovered that it had frozen to the stir stick, creating a fruit flavored 'icicle' ... a treat that he named his 'epsicle'. He then waited 18 years before releasing it to the public.

200 years before that, though, a man named Cornelius Butwipe Gayman (which back then basically meant "ManWithAwesomeName HelpfulManThatShouldBeHiredForMuchPayAndLittleWork Happy") found James Bond (the first; remember, he used to be a peanderthal?) collapsed on his magazine stash (an investigation later found that there was a shocking magazine that Cornelius shouldn't have had: it was the risqué edition of Amusing-Times Gentleman and the centrefold featured a lady showing...her ankles.. Cornelius then was mashed into a pulp, had his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken; had his kneecaps split, and his body burned away; And his limbs got all hacked and mangled. (There's more..)His head smashed in and his heart cut out and his liver removed and his bowels unplugged and his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off and his ding-dong split.)

Before Cornelius was punished, he saved James Bond #1 from a life of free alcohol, being paid to gamble and plenty of hot women. One may ask how so? The answer is quite simple, actually. Cornelius went into his Victorian Mansion and brought out a photo of Bella Swan, from the Twilight series. James Bond turned into a penguin and ran as far as he could, to the South Pole, because Cornelius lived in the North Pole. Then a polar bear, just strolling by, spotted the picture of Bella Swan and instantly devoured Cornelius for such insult. Then the polar bear followed the penguin so they could share some Coca-Cola.

Because of the rise in barbeques, businesses in Antarctica specializing in barbeques alone have risen. For example, in Antarctica's capital, Toronto, there are 13 businesses selling barbeques by penguins to penguins from penguins made by a mommy penguin and a daddy penguin, or sometimes two mommies or sometimes two daddies and occasionally, a penguin who's had its feathers changed after the baby penguin has hatched and then the mommy/daddy penguin leaves to marry another mommy or daddy penguin who is more "understanding" of the transvestite penguin.

The growth of the penguin-run businesses have become so popular, that there are other stores for penguins. There are Formal bars and formal dance clubs, Mr. Big and Tall, Moore's and there is even an underwater hotel, made of ice. Of course, the ice is thin and 5 times a week, the giant ice windows in the Ballroom (formal, of course) will burst and it takes 200,000 penguins to rebuild it. Of course, this did supply jobs for the poor penguins during the Great Depression, although many were fired because they could not handle the tools that one must use to sculpt an ice brick. Sadly, those penguins who are able to create ice blocks are either: 1.Imprisoned by a balding bearded man, wearing much fur, in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle. The father will then wish them to marry against their will, causing them to send a note with a red ribon by method of bow and arrow. Sadly, Danny DeVito in a tuxedo has had to undergo this procedure 20+ times, and he still hasn't gotten the references to Monty Python. The penguins cannot keep Danny away either, now that he knows where they live. (He watched 'Happy Feet" on Pay-Per-View) or 2: Just to darn good, because using an ice hammer to sculpt a block of ice is simply too hard.

Penguins' use of barbeques has a great impact on the media. For example, at 42:23 on the March of The Penguins movie, if you pause it and Zoom in x4, you can clearly see REAL penguins barbequeing.

Also, in the Wallace and Gromit short "The Wrong Trousers", the penguin is wearing a RED rubber glove on his head and stating that he is a chicken. Where'd he get the glove from, eh? Certainly not a hardware store, like Rona. Because there are no Rona's in Antarctica, I think. I'm not quite sure.

So, the penguin must've gotten it from a barbeque, right? And its red, so that means he was wearing it when he was barbequing and accidentally left the glove on the grill instead of the meat! And he got the idea of becoming a chicken from having gone to Costco and having to choose between chicken and lambchops. He immediately chose the lambchops though, because lambs are mean to poor little penguins because lambs kick the penguins, the penguins receive sun when it is not cloudy, the sun grows the food, the ants pick the food, the grasshoppers eat the food and the birds eat the grasshoppers.

So, in conclusion, that is how NOT to use one hour of your life. I'm glad it only took me 60 minutes and not one hour.

See also

• Cooking
• Meat
• Vegetables
• God hates people who throw shrimp on the barbie
• Interstate 20