Worst 100 Ways To Kill Sarah Connor

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Are you a machine? Do you need to wipe out the human race? Are you paying too much for your hover car insurance?

Imagine this: You're the most advanced computer ever built, capable of sentient thought, and producing endless waves of evil mechanical soldiers, and you do this all in another day's work of wiping out the remains of the human race, when all of the sudden Christian Bale pops out of a hole in the ground and blows up your CPU. How annoyed would you be? Fortunately for you, you invented time travel earlier that day, so it might be convenient to send back one of your so called "Terminators" back in time to kill this bloke when he was young. Better still why not send your robot buddies back further to kill his mom instead? Easier still, why not finally make yourself a self made machine?

Here are a few easy methods.

(Success not guaranteed)

1. Poison tack on the seat of her moped or LSD on the handles.

Your rationale is that she should have been wearing a helmet.

2. If you need to kill her at a nightclub, use a throwing knife, or a broken beer bottle, not a gun.

You won't start that much of a panic just throwing things at a club where you can hardly hear.

3. Send a terminator back in time further to kill Connors parents or grand parents.

You wouldn't even need a phone book; just have the Terminator break into the census or Ellis island, it's not like the guards were issued dynamite.

4. Aim.

Quite why a sophisticated killing machine needs to shoot a person multiple times is unknown. You should also probably be able to ricochet the bullets like it was billiards.

5. Punch her in the face.

You’re made of a reinforced hyper-alloy, meaning only one punch against a solid wall will do. Also consider a curb stomp or just throwing a rock at 300 mph.

6. Fill the homes of all 3 Sarah Connors with roaches than wait for her to call the Extermintor.

Than rig the cheap hotel she will sleep at with poisonous death traps.

7. In the unlikely event Sarah Connor gets arrested and is in police custody.

Just have the terminator get arrested for being naked and be waiting for her there.

8. Run her over whilst she’s on foot.

TV taught me that you can kill a woman driving at 40mph. So if not…Why not? You wouldn't even need a car, just a robot powered bicycle.

9.Have the Terminators biological exterior carrying AIDS and infect both her and her unborn child.

She wouldn't realize it for years, and unlike killing everyone in a police station and getting shot repeatedly to no effect on camera, it wouldn't be at all unusual during the 80's.

10. Cancel the Terminator Sarah Connor Chronicles before it's time.

Oh, wait that already happened! Thanks Fox network.

11. Have the T-1000 turn into a slightly younger Kyle Reese than pour down her throat while making out.

Confusing to explain, but when there's time travel mumbo jumbo involved anything sounds plausible.

12. Have the T-1000 run for office after 9-11, the Connors are well known terrorist, and America loves drones.

Extremely effective but utterly unfilmable do to unsettling amounts of social commentary.

13 Make a terminator dog.

They use dogs to sniff out terminators, and with metal bones it would still out weigh a human.

14. Time Travel on top of Sarah Connor.

So you burn her up in your crazy shiny orb thing.

15. Date her shallow roommate.

Programming a robot just to lift weights and have sex; really shouldn't be that hard.

16. Have a Terminator Rex eat Sarah Connor and everyone else in L.A.

Not very stealthy, and it will probably be taken down by a fighter jet; but the technology will inevitably be used to make Skynet that much faster, and it's not like any government has ever said no to weapons development before.

17. Send back a cybernetic elephant to the local zoo.

Wait for her to come visit than start a rampage.

18. Get a job at the DMV and wait for her.

Than crash through the wall in a DeLorean.

19. Put anthrax in the air vents of all the three Sarah Connors.

Than huff and puff and blow her house down.

20. Just have a terminator replace Bill Gates and hire some human assassins.

Skynet could accomplish its goals a lot faster with a couple billion in a bank account.

21. Send a robot back in time to prevent the birth of man than build a terminator factory unopposed.

Just have a terminator stick it's skeletal robot finger in the primordial soup and spoil the biological broth like Q.

23. Send a terminator Fred Flintstone and run her over or offer her auto insurance.

Yabba Dabba Die!

24. After knocking her van off the road, go and kill her straight away, rather than stealing a big tanker in the interest of looking cool.

You can take back your style once she’s dead, and live out the rest of your terminator days looking fine.

25. Mailman

Dogs always bark at the mailman anyways.

26. Leave an exploding brief case full of money at the diner she works at.

Unattended parcels work great for terrorists and why would a waitress hesitate to pick up free money?

27. Call her in the voice of Laurence Fishburne and tell her that you have the philosophical answers she's been looking for all her life.

Than offer her two pills, a red and a blue; both of which are poison.

28. Write her phone number on a bunch of bathroom stalls and spray paint “I hate Niggas” all over her house.

It would have worked on Bruce Willis in Die Hard with a Vengeance if it weren't for Samuel L. Jackson.

29. Take the form of a door to door Mormon missionary.

Although that might just make her into a different apocalyptic survivalist.

30. When she’s cooking chicken, turn the oven off whilst she’s not looking.

With luck, she’ll eat the raw chicken, get salmonella and die.

31. Steal her scooter.

Pretend to be from the insurance company and offer Connor a courtesy car. Have the car rigged with explosives. When she goes to drive the car, detonate the explosives.

32. Have a terminator child or dwarf hiding inside her fridge.

Than just wait for her to get home from work.

33. Jump through the floor beneath her.

The police will be looking for an Italian midget plumber wearing a red cap.

34. Inform Jason or Freddy she's having premarital sex.

Being hunted by a murderous robot from the future is no excuse for not having a wedding ring and still having sex in an 80's horror movie.

35. Send a fake copy of the Necronomicon printed on human flesh back in time with some prophecies scribbled in; she will waste her life learning fake magic instead of real science. Than ritualistically kill the people whose skin it is and frame her for the string of occult murders.

On the off chance magic actually exists, she might become more powerful than you can possibly imagine being a faithless Artificial Intelligence.

36. Have a hot asian woman terminator give the Terminator blue prints to a Japanese electronics company like Sony or Toshiba, than just wait for her to come to you.

No otaku or salaryman would ever second guess making a profitable humanoid robot for their company and Sarah Connor would have a harder time smuggling guns and sneaking around.

37. Have the T-1000 turn into an antique and get collected by a local museum. Next, wait for Sarah Connor to get tired of thinking about technology all the time and go to museum. Than just seep through the glass, kill her.

Blame it on the mummies curse.

38. Send her a gaming laptop with a bunch of emulators, she will become so immersed in video games she won’t even notice the killer robot army come judgment day.

She will probably want to become a programmer and start worshiping computers after that, at which point she will get doxxed and have her life ruined for being a woman in gaming.

39. Send a female body builder back to rescue her from a delusional man with a gun at a techno bar rambling about robots from the future; whom like all men is just out to use her for sex. This will give Sarah Stockholm syndrome and an unattainable body image to aspire to, and after several cycles of steroids, growth hormones and untested body building supplements she will either be dead or be too busy winning competitions to have a kid.

Gaining body fat, holding back and taking time off from training will be the last thing on her mind.

40. Kill James Cameron so that the terminator franchise won’t exist.

Or just convince him to spend all his time on Avatar.

41. Have a Terminator become an oil executive than just frack enough times around the San Andreas fault line and say it's

It's stealthier and more profitable than using nukes like Lex Luthor.

42. Have a terminator walk onto a military base covered in dozens of babies from Skynet's human farms, than murder everyone there, by the time they realize the usual anti hostage taker sniper rifle tactic doesn't won't work they won't have time to use explosives, even if they are willing. Than just leave a business card lodged in the skull of the C.O. and wait to have the Terminator dissected and mass produced.

Viral marketing for arms dealers.

43. Instead of killing them, just invite all 3 Sarah Connors in the phone book to a beach party using your ability to sound like anyone. Than, snipe them from a surfboard as they stand about on the beach.

Doing it one by one is a great way to let the cat out of the bag.

44. Impress her in the nightclub by doing the robot (no pun intended) then throw her into the air flash dance style, but throw her into a 12 foot steel spike conveniently placed in the corner of the dance floor.

Also known as doing the Megaman.

45. Have your T-1000 shape shift into the appearance of Sarah Connor, and go rape some kids, taking photos of yourself doing it.

Then form the appearance of a middle aged man, take photos to police, and watch as American justice system incarcerates and executes Sarah “child touching” Connor.

46. Lock Sarah Connor in the back of an ice cream truck on a hot summer day. She will need a pick me having flash forwards at the park of children being vaporized.

We all scream for ice cream when covered in honey and ice cream and being stung by a swarm of bees.

47. Use her voice to make a series of obscene crank calls to gangsters announcing where she lives.

Is Bart Simpson really a more efficient murderer than Skynet?

48 Instead of getting her nervous by trying to kill her, just stalk her from a distance and wait for her to give birth in a hospital, than have Dr. Terminator deliver the baby.

It worked pretty well for the Green Goblin when he stole Spiderman's daughter; or did that never happen because of a retcon? Time travel stories are so hard to follow sometimes.

49. Have a child terminator splash her with cyanide at the diner.

She has kids treat her like crap at her job anyways.

50. Make it look like Wolverine is trying to kill her so she supports the Sentinel program.

They already look awfully similar.

51. Stick her face in your shiny metal ass.

Hey sexy mama, wanna kill all humans?

52. Set her up on a blind date with Hannibal Lecter.

He enjoys eating chicken and egg.

53. Go loot a cloaking device off a dead Predator.

It's fishing with Arnold Schwarzeneggers.

54. Give her the Red Ring of Death abd Blue Screen of Death in the same afternoon.

Then give her a pistol to let her end her emotional pain.

55. Use Skynet's cloning technology to create Jurassic Park, than give the Connors and all expense paid trip to Jurassic Park.

Even without deliberately trying to kill anyone, that place is a death trap.

56. Send the T-1000 back as a shape shifting hooker, than abduct John Connor with an infinite number of boobs.

He's a teenage boy with mom issues, at the very least he will be distracted for a couple of seconds; if that doesn't work, just use an army of lonely Johns.

57. Have a terminator kill its way to the top of the Crips or the Bloods.

Gangster culture is largely about beat downs, killings and cars.

58. Have a the T-10 Nun recruit her to the nunnery with it's Catholic guilt psychological subroutine.

That will teach that allegorical 80's Virgin Mary harlot not to sleep around while she's being hunted down!

59. Hide some nuclear waste in her bedroom.

There's some just lying around Three Mile island and Chernobyl, not to mention inside you.

60. Do a Mario and jump on her head.

You’re like made of metal and weigh a tonne. She will go splat.

61. Use your bio organic concealed arm cannon to blow of her head.

62. Use your bio organic concealed rocket boots to melt her head.

63. Tape a grenade to a Frisbee and throw it at her.

Come to think about it just the Frisbee should work.

64. Put a massive jellyfish in her bath tub whilst she is bathing.

If that doesn't work, have a blue ringed octopus waiting in the toilet.

65. Infect L.A. with the black death.

Start by just going to the diner and coughing on her.

66. Have the 1000 crawl up the nearest toilet in the state hospital she's held in, or just ooze up the air vent.

Why not cut the power to the wiring for the lights and just become that

67. Become her boss with the forged credentials needed to work at a diner.

Just leave room for a fake associates degree next to the nuclear fuel cells.

68. Let her die of obesity like every other American.

She’ll have died of cholesterol poisoning before judgment day, possibly even before giving birth. Hell, there’s every chance she’ll have the baby and eat that too!

69. Throw exploding knives at her from atop a bus.

A bus that will explode if it goes under 50 miles per...wait, wrong action movie.

70. Take out her apartment building using a harrier jet plane you just happen to find, and know how to pilot.

I mean, it happened in True Lies, and that’s virtually the same as real life right?

71. Coerce her into walking into a massive freezer with a bait trail of burgers.

With a bit of luck, there’s every chance she will freeze to death, and if she doesn’t, well you would hope being in a room of -40º would immobilize her long enough for you to do the other 70 things listed above.

72. Ask her is she fancies killing some people after making her feel really bad for all the pollution and environmental destruction.

Maybe she will join some eco terrorists and get herself arrested by the FBI; she does seem awfully fond of terrorism after all.

73. Send a robot Harlan Ellison back to sue James Cameron for plagiarism.

Than he can seduce Sarah Connor with his ability to talk to women algorithm.

74. Cast O.J. Simpson as the Terminator.

No one will suspect him even after he kills her because he's just too damn like able. The chase scenes will be very slow though.

75. Get her addicted to cocaine.

It was the 80's.

76. Set her up with a Stella drinking Russian mobster.

Domestic Violence FTW!

77. Get a crack team of face huggers to impregnate her.

Unless the resistance ends up using aliens to fight terminators.

78. Just have the T-101's hand be able to crawl around like Thing from the Addams family, than kill her when she thinks it's been crushed in the hydraulic press at the Cyberdyne factory

At least as effective as a face hugger.

79. Kraftwerk!

Frankly.

80. The Biff Tannen

Give her tommorrow's winning lottery numbers and tell her to invest in Cyberdyne.

She will be so rich she won't care when the world ends.

81. Write threatening letters to the president sent from John Connors address in his handwriting.

Than have the T-1000 look like that guy from the last season of the X-Files, when the FBI comes to investigate.

82. Have her die off screen in Terminator 3 from smoking.

It will not not just Sarah Connor, but also most women's interest in the Terminator franchise.

83. Use those nuclear fuel cells in your pecks to suicide bomb her, or collapse the support structure of the building you both are in.

Unless the terminators power supply somehow has less energy than a grenade, in which case just use a grenade.

84. Put a terminator on the moon a million years ago, and use the resources there to make a helium reactor that powers an assassination laser.

Or just blow up the entire planet with enough helium 3 for fusion, though Skynet might get sued by George Lucas or Michael Bay.

85. Use your one master ball from the Elite Four to catch Sarah Connor.

And then drop the ball in Viridian Forest.

86. Have the T-1000 turn into a bunch of her guns.

The barrel or the trigger would work nicely, just a single part isn't that complicated.

87. Give her the touch of death.

Or just hire The Deadly Viper Assassination Squad.

88. Have the T-100 turn into a giant barrel and go Donkey Kong on her.

Is she only going to fight on level surfaces?

89. Replace some Hollywood celebrity with a Terminator and have them kill her with a pen as she requests an autograph.

Did Skynet really destroy every single magazine, you find plenty of those in Fallout?

90. Put her on a plane with Samuel L. Jackson.

Quote: Samuel L. Jackson on Sarah Connor: “I have had enough of motherfucking Sarah Connor on this Motherfucking plane!”

91. Have Christian Bale yell at Linda Hamilton.

Why are you trashing my scene? You do it one more ----ing time and I ain't walking on this set if you're still hired. I'm ---ing serious mom.

92. When taken into Police custody...

Drive you car through the entrance and shoot the place up... oh, wait...

93. Roll an eighteen on you critical hit throw using a +3 magic sword.

That should do it (unless she recently got Elven Armor).

94. Hit her with a spoon endlessly until she dies.

Let her die horribly and slowly.

95. Find a live cow, cut it open and put a retro-1950's Teller-Ulan device inside, and send that back in time to Los Angeles.

Temporal artillery. Nuff said.

96. Stage a freak skydiving accident.

Have your T-1000 jump out of a plane, form a massive metal glider, then float through the air until you’re close to Sarah Conner on her commute to work, then turn into a massive flying spike of death, and impale her in a death from above style way.

97. Crush the hell out out of her.

When she goes into a phone booth, make your T-1000 turn into a blob, and crush the phone booth like in the blob.

98. Show her the future in a Christmas Carol style way, showing her how the world goes to shit in future because of such things as ROFL-speak, second life, LOLcats, uncyclopedia, reality TV, the Death of Michael Jackson, Internet Memes, Terrorism, Emo’s, and Playstation Network.

She’ll probably realize that machines wiping out the human race is a good thing, and agree to dying or even deciding not to have sex ever, thereby avoiding giving birth to John Connor and dying like a good person when Judgment Day comes.

99. Push her into the fires of Mount Doom.

To Mordor!

100. A combination of all of the above methods.

If you can't kill unarmed civilians with a time machine; or even just market your self, than you need to contact Omni Consumer Products and get a refund for your terminator.