Player

“Good thing I went into a management profession.”

~ Oscar Wilde on being a player

A Player simply put, is someone who is saving themselves for marriage. They are normally very religious, or live in remote parts of Canada, where they never come into contact with other living beings. The second case is commonly referd to as an orphan, and it is a good idea to point and laugh at such individuals. There is a third type of player, the mythical 60 horned player who wonders the wheat fields of Mexico and New Mexico making sure no young person becomes the first type of player. The slang word "playa" is believed to have its etymological roots in the word "Player".

Reasons to become a player

• Many famous people were once players
• For example Marlon Brando and Oscar Wilde's pet horse Slinky.
• Players be gettin it daily, nightly and ever so rightly, especially on a thursday
• Sex is a good way to become popular among the youth of today
• There is a special club you can go to with mandatory free boob jobs on entry
• You don't have to change your name when playing Counterstrike

No-Sex Players

The two types of players that go without sex

Until Marriage

This is probably the easiest one to explain, and thus the easiest one to laugh at.

• The main reason to become a Player who saves him or herself until marriage is the ever imminent threat of the Sith (cue Darth Vader theme music). In the year 3006 Darth Vader made it law that no applicant to the order of the Sith can have engaged in sexual acts before marrige. This has deterred many people from having sex before marriage, thus lowering teen pregnancy, raising teen marrige and then raising teen divorce, all within a short 6 year span.
• Another reason is STDs. Super Terrific Dudes, despite their name, are not really that good in bed but the only way a woman can legally tell if a man is an STD is by marrying him. So, many STDphobic women get hitched, so as not to risk getting an STD "all up in" them.
• Scarlet Fever is a rare disease caused by having sex with Scarlett Johansson. This is a lot like the whole STDphobia thing in point 2, but only men and lesbians are are SFphobic (afraid of Scarlet Johansson)

If some one can't cite you any of the above reasons for being a play it must be fear of heights.

Remote part of Canada

Ok as stated above (in the article's introduction) these people are orphans left for dead in the forest. They die young and retain their virginity until the day they die. Their parents died, and some hack left them to die in the forests of Nunavut.

Beast

These many horned "mythical" beasts are mentioned several times in the Bible. They were the reason that Jesus got killed (four players testified against him at his trial). In modern times players wander the wheat and barley fields of Mexico and New Mexico, making sure that no player (used in this sense to mean the no-sex player) lives past the age of 21 and a half. These players go around raping 21 and a half year olds, thus preserving the whole "What happens at night on your 21st and a half birthday stays in Vegas". According to the Ancient Scriptures of Robert Crumb Players can be used as a time machine, if 60 of them can all be gathered in one place.
Side-Note- In biblical times players had only 59 horns, but recently they developed a new horn after Madonna gathered 59 of them in one place and traveled through time, in order to kill Britney Spears' child. These recent events have lead many Playerologists to believe that before Madonna people may have used Players to time travel 58 times.
Currently The NRA has 59 Players in pens underneath their headquarters.