The Nintendo War was the most devastating war of all time; even more than that really, really violent one. It all started when Mobians exiled to the Mushroom Kingdom grew tired of the tyrannical, despotic rule of the devout Nintendite Princess Peach's slavery, mistreatment and expensive train tickets. Although it began as nothing more than an unorganized gaggle of Mobian loonies raving at the government, it quickly became a world spanning conflict. It famously saw the brief political careers of Knuckles "The Hammer" Echidna and Miles "Tails" Prower (also known as "The Sickle"). Also involved on the Mobian side was Sonic the Hedgehog, the head of Mobian propaganda. The Mobians were supplied aid from Crash Bandicoot, as he related to their struggle to free themselves. Hardline Nintendites call the war the Super Smash Bros. Brawl.
Early history - The Road to War
The roots of the war are found several years before its declaration, on the planet Mobius. As a leading member of the oppressive Megadrive Party, Sonic the Hedgehog was among those arrested and deported when the regime was overthrown by Shadow the Reformer's Dreamcast Alliance. Sent to neutral ground in the Mushroom Kingdom, the Megadrive Mobians were not prepared for the xenophobic population ruled by the religious fanatic Nintendite leadership that awaited them.
In the Mushroom Kingdom, Sonic and his fellow Mobians were forced into hard labour, under almost slave like conditions and were subject to a clause in the Mushroom constitution stating, "Any criminal Mobian shall have their head removed at an awkward momment.".
These were hard times for Mobians and it was during work on a quarry that Sonic would meet Miles 'Tails' Prower, who he had known be reputation as a brutal secret police chief on Mobius. They immediately fell in love and began a homosexual affair with one another. It was also during this time that secret discussions of rebellion were taking place amongst the Mobian immigrants, led by the infamous revolutionary Knuckles "The Hammer" Echidna.
Sonic himself became fascinated by these talks of rebellion, and enjoyed attending secret rallies held by Knuckles, who had that time was the voice of Mobian Rebellion. Soon, Sonic and Tails had set themselves up as a leading members of the group. Always active in the in the secret talks, Sonic himself organised a worker's strike in order to achieve better treatment for Mobian immigrants within the Mushroom Kingdom.
When the strikes took place and many of the protestors were brutally attacked with Mushroom gas, rounded up and arrested by the dreaded Plumber's Police. Sonic soon began to see that radical action had to be taken in order to achieve better conditions for Mobian workers, and decided that they would need to meet with Princess Peach directly.
However Tails had long held more extreme, militant views that were soon adopted by Knuckles the Echidna. They decided striking for better conditions were not good enough, and they drew up Operation: Streets of Rage. This plan called for a team led by the mysterious acrobatic, over-rated prick called NiGHTS to quickly overthrow Princess Peach, thus allowing the Mobians to take over in the resulting anarchy and rule themselves.
Unfortunately for the Mobians, Operation: Streets of Rage was only mildly successful, as NiGHTS' team mistakenly drank one laxative-lager too many the night of the strike and hit the secondary target of Princess Daisy by mistake. Suprisingly, this won the Mobians considerable support amongst several Nintendite groups, who had called Daisy, "The Foul Cash Cow" and "That Vile Knock-off." As a result, the Mobians soon found themselves in control of a few scraps of land on the borders of the country.
However, the Mobians were still heavily outnumbered by the Mushroom Kingdom's army of Drunk toads. This was a major problem, and General Sonic quickly initiated a number of plans to counter this setback. Operation: Golden Axe successfully took control of a swath of land that cut the kingdom in too. The less inspired Operation: Kid Chameleon involved plans to infiltrate the government with disguised nerds, but failed when Mario "accidentally" bent down and lifted the fake Princess Peach's dress. He was put in therapy for several weeks. Little did either side know that they would soon be in even greater danger.
The Xboxians Invade
During the war, the Mushroom Kingdom was invaded by the Grand Duchy of Xbox. This was a new nation under the rule of the Microsoft party, led by Prime Minister Linus Torvalds and Chancellor Steve Jobs. The monarch of Xbox was King Bill Gates, but he was just a figurehead kept happy by a lifetime supply of treacle.
With an army of Master Chiefs, Gears of War and Knights of the Old Republic, Xbox easily outclassed and defeated the army of the Mushroom Kigndom and its allies, Hyrule and Lylat, which fought with outdated Arwings (or "Snail's Paces" as they were called) and litle green twits with antique weapons. The Xboxians crushed all opposition, and made the Nintendite countries their colony, where they would force the Nintendite people to make games for their oversized consoles. Ironically, the Mobian Rebellion were the only ones never crushed by the Xboxians, and gave them trouble for years afterwards.
The Xboxian Defeat
The Xboxians maintained control of the Nintendo nations for 5 years (at this time, they were known as "The Land of Consoles Large and Rubbish"). However, rebel Nintendite groups, who had learned of guerilla warfare during the earlier war, led by Mario, Mr. T and three of the four Links (also known as The Knights Who Said "Wii") attacked in waves of terrorist attacks until they had managed to capture the conquered Mushroom Castle (renamed Xbox Island). This forced the Xboxians out of their country temporarily.
However, the Xboxians had one last trick to play. Their ultimate weapon: "Respawning" a two-player team of Master Chiefs. As the Nintendites managed to kill one Master Chief, he respawned as the non-existant second player hid.
To overcome this, top Nintendite negotiator Donkey Kong managed to persuade the Xboxian Player-Colonel to set the fighting mode to "legendary". Twenty minutes later, the Player-Colonel stormed out of the country in a huff, saying that his Xbox had cheated.
As the Nintendite army advanced on the retreating enemy many a life was taken. Luckily, they had managed to find 1-ups along the way, and were therefore invincible. The most terrible fighting was the Battle of Bombermangrad. Just when the Nintendogs-of-war thought they had lost, Mario ran into the fray, and after eating a suspicious looking mushroom, he expanded to three times his size and wadded through the whole of the once invicible Xboxian Army of Timesplitters 3. However things turned around once more when Xboxian General Cortez went back in time and switched Mario's mushroom with a shrinking one, so Mario was sick. However, Grand General Pac-Man came forward and ate them all after consuming a cherry power-up. Pac-Man then proceeded to eat the ghosts of the soldiers lost. The Xboxians were defeteated, and peace seemingly resumed.
Sonic and the Mobian Rebellion saw the weakness of the Nintendites after the battle, and finally decided to strike. However, they needed a new army. The traitorous Nintendite Ghostbuster-Captain Luigi entered the fray and offered himself to be cloned into a mighty army. So, with legions of Luigi clones, Knuckles and Tails sent Sonic forth to destroy what remained of the Mushroom Kingdom. He was only moderately sucessful, managing to kidnap the Princess and taking her to the Atari WasteLand.
Acting-Prime Minister Mario reacted quickly, marshalled his army of Drunk toads and set out after him. A major battle had began, until Tails, who had grown jealous of Sonic's influence, dropped a nuclear bomb that killed Mario. After the massacre, Tom Cruise saw their dead corpses. He screamed "Nooooooooooooooooooooooo..." for 83 minutes before indulging in an orgy with the remains, which later became a top viewed online video.
Tails was arrested for his nuclear attack, and was prosecuted for war crimes by Nintendo attorney Miles Edgeworth. Phoenix Wright tried to defend Tails, but was told to "get knotted" and held hostage by Tails in return for freedom, but not before being subjected to the evil Tails' furry obsessions.
Mario: The Pissed Avenger
After ten long days, the orgy was over. Mario, miraculously surviving both the nuclear bomb and being sodomised, crawled toward the Princess, but Peach quickly fell off a cliff and died. Mario was pissed, and, as all heroes do, blamed it on his main enemy, Bowser, despite the fact that he was nowhere near the Princess at the time.
Sonic, too, lived. He got out using his Super Sonic form (but declined to answer, while fiercely blushing, why he waited until after the orgy was finished). When Sonic returned he faced Super Mario in a final (and this time, they meant it) battle. He ripped Mario to shreds. Tom Cruise came back only to get the crap beat out of him by every Mobian in the country for trying to kill Sonic.
End of the War
Knuckles and Tails began to realize that the Mushroom Kingdom was beyond repair after the mass destruction they had caused though nuclear warfare (particularly the bombing of Mushiroshima at the end of the fighting). After many years at war, the surviving Mobians packed up and made their way back to Mobius, where they overthrew Shadow's Dreamcast Alliance. On July 11 2001, Mobius was heavily bombed by the Mushroom Kingdom forces, and then at 3:39pm, the Koopa is Gay bomber dropped a nuclear bomb at Mobius, which ended up killing over 150,000 people, including Sonic and Tails, as a revenge for bombing Mushiroshima and killing Mario.
Philosophers spent many years afterwards debating why they didn't just do that in the first place. Mr. T claimed to pity the fools, and so the war ended. All of Mobius was damaged beyond repair, since 190,000 people had died in the nuclear explosion of Mobius; most of them are civilians. The nuclear fallout extended several kilometres away, along with the extent of damage. A memorial pillar was built on the epicentre where the nuclear bomb was detonated, and the pillar had been there since. Later, in 2000, Satan had mercy on Sonic and Mario and brought them back to life.
The Return of the Xboxians
When the Xboxians attempted to re-establish its Nintendo colony, the Mushroom Kingdom had decided they'd taken enough of their shit and forced the Xboxians into another bloody eight-year war that culminated in another Xboxian defeat and retreat, resulting in millions of deaths. This war has been recorded as the Nintendo Revolution. Only six Nintendites survived the attack, but bred like rabbits and had the Mushroom Kingdom population back in the millions within a week.
In this war both sides attempted to increase their technology substantially. The Xboxians created the new 360 Battle Division, the Ghost Recon Advanced Warfare, and Knights of the Old Republic II corps. The Nintendogs-of-war generated their new DS Lite Brigade , meaning they could go anywhere and unleash new-style old-school pwnage upon the highly-advanced but only just refurbished weapons and armour of the Tom Clancy characters. The two sides were forced to put their diffrences aside, however, after the Sonish Republic army, commanded by President Albert Wesker ('Resident Evil to his enemies) invaded both nations simultaneously with enormous, overpriced console weapons, and thus the Wii60 alliance was formed.
The Wii60 alliance was a powerful force, lead by top generals from both the Nintendo side, such as Mario and Mecha Donkey Kong, and from the Xboxians such as Sam Fisher and Master Chief. They managed to stand strong both in the Mushroom Kingdom and Xbox as they found that the 18 years of war beforehand had only made them stronger, which allowed them to crush the Sonish army and the newly formed Wii60 combination ruled the world for decades to come.
Eventually, Mario Jr. flipped off Steve Jobs, and all was well in the new planetary bloodbath.
R.O.B. the military Leader
R.O.B. was employed by Nintendo to investigate a Sony meeting to learn how they were stealing Nintendo's secrets. What he found was stkillartling. Apparently, Sony had seen Nintendo's press releases. This came as a shock to Nintendo, and Microsoft, fearing a similar fate, offred to join forces with Nintendo temporarily to weaken Sony. Nintendo offered R.O.B. in return for Microsoft support.
After gaining entrance to the Microsoft booth, R.O.B. sought troops. Microsoft offered him a somewhat healthy number of Xbox soldiers. R.O.B., dismayed, asked for newer model 360s, but his offer was declined.
Before the wildly successful alliance between Nintendo and Microsoft, R.O.B. suggested to Link(Mario's top commander in the army) that they side with the underdog who had previously defeated Nintendo and Sega: Sony. Mario was very reluctkillant to comply, due to a grudge. R.O.B. finally got the point across when he jogged Mario's memory that Sony had effectively murdered the Sega System Branch, reducing them to making games for the other companies. Link liked the idea, and Mario called the Sony leader, Lara Croft. Sadly, negotiations went poorly. Link and Lara went way back. Link brutally stabbed Lara in several places on her head and chest, thus ending any chance of an alliance.
Undeterred, R.O.B. smoothly guided his force into enemy lines. All went well until forty-five minutes into the raid, when a PS2 informed the Sokillny army of the upcoming danger. Charging from all sides, PS3s attacked R.O.B.'s army fiercly. Equipped with heavy original Xbox controllers, the Xboxes held their own for some time, until the PS3s used their bulky six-hundred dollar exteriors to deal massive damage by way of body slamming and setting fire to resources. In the midst of the chaos, Sony did not notice R.O.B. slip by. He was in a Playstation 3 Demonstration.
R.O.B. stood there, gun in robotic hand. "Get him!" yelled one executive. R.O.B. started firing.
Twelve months later, the consoles were all happy and nice to each other. And it was all thanks to R.O.B., the day he killed an entire auditorium filled with people. Thank you, R.O.B., thank you. In gratitude, Nintendo found a way to stuff him into every single game they made afterwards.
(god who ever wrote that wants to rape the poor little robot)
After an epic battle in the year 2600 against Sony and Nintendo, and spectator Microsoft, the entity known as MicroSonyNtendo (Pronounced microsoneentendo) was created.
In the years following its creation, the world was blessed with the XPS7ii, a wonderful amalgamation of the old PS3, XBOX 360, and Wii. The XPS7ii, connecting directly to the user via a Microsoft designed anal probe that linked up with the BS being generated by your brain, was designed to both suck away your soul--which powered the MicroSonyNtendo bot--and provide you with years of pseudo-entertainment
Sometime into the beginning of the 2600s, it became clear to MicroSonyNtendo executives--whose heads were separated from their bodies, suspended in applesauce, and wired to each other in the heart of the MicroSonyNtendo bot--that Ninja must be sent back to the 21st Century to ensure that the Sony bot was built stronger and faster. After many rounds of rock, paper, scissors--and realizing that none of the 13 execs had hands--they decided upon releasing a single ninja master towards the middle of the year 2006.
After several months of mental and physical training, and the tying up of interns with bribes of full time jobs and full college credit, the elite Sony Ninja infiltrated soundstage 10 and began construction of the Sony Gundam bot using the soul of Alex Trebek as fuel.
At the same time, the remaining Microsoft portion of the MicroSonyNtendo bot decided to send back its own team of Super Mega Uber Lawyers to build the mighty empire of Microsoft in hopes of creating a larger MicroSonyNtendo in the future. A quick modification of Windows Galaxy edition--the OS that ran the server-station--placed on the Sony time machine, and after several blue screen of deaths later, the daunting plague of lawyers was unleashed unto the Microsoft campus.
With pending release of the Vista operating system, and through the use of hentai and beer to bribe the programming staff, a master operating system was created. When Vista premiered and became the OS of choice for all new computers, a secret coding turned all Windows-enabled appliances into minions of further destruction.
Vista began, a la "Akira" style, taking over computer systems around it, secretly uniting and building a massive database reserve. Around the year 2012, the original work of Vista produced a massive control protocol causing all car dealership robots worldwide to start mass producing control chips, mechanical parts, and other portions of the Microsoft server-station for launch. A computer virus unleashed by 16-year-old, pimple-faced hackers late in 2013 caused the International Space Station to fail, effectively killing everyone on board. The crippled station was sold to Microsoft at a reasonable $23 billion dollars, and the server-station was born.
Ultra Jesus played a great part in making Nintendo the powerhouse it became in the mid 21st century; and Ultra Jesus comes with free parking. Nintendo, with its proliferation of the Wii and cutesy, bouncy Japanese characters and awesome E3 booth babes, launched its own plan into action. With the help of Ultra Jesus and Mario, Nintendo launched a massive infestation of Pikmin and Pokemon upon the United States, enslaving any and all that possessed a Nintendo GameCube, DS Phat, DS Lite, or Wii. The Wii otaku were first to fall prey to the shininess and bounciness of the Japanese bikini girls, and were carried away by the Pikmin to become food and wine to power Ultra Jesus
Robotnik was somehow tied to the Nintendo War and the subsequent destruction of both the Koopa Kingdom and Mushroom Kingdom. Who cloned Luigi? Who armed the Mobians with a nuclear weapon? What did Robotnik really want?
Well, I will tell you what happened. You see, Luigi had taken on pre-Agent Smith like symptoms, allowing mass reproduction of Luigis by copying over other characters. Since Sonic had Cream on his side, It is believed that all the Luigis were originally baby Chaos. How were the Mobians Armed? Simple. You see, Big the Cat fished them out of his massive pile of fisny wing-wong for them. And what did Robotnik really want? He wanted Peach. For Bum Secks. Lots and Lots of Bum Secks. Unfortunately, He had to join in with Bowser on this one, due to marital liscence charges.
Famous Quotes from the War
“Peace in our time”
“We have nothing to fear but Nintendo fanboys themselves”
“Equality, fraternity and pillaging for all!”
“We blew Mobius up because they blew Mushiroshima up!”
“Mobians of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but your chins!”
“Hurry up with the nuke! I wanna start a vice empire before the week is out!”
“We will return home with our Consoles or upon them”