List of the crappiest video games ever
These games are so crappy that you can’t make this up. May contain traces of nuts and British politics. (There is a subtle difference, honest)
The games[edit]
E.T. The Extraterrestrial[edit]
E.T. The Extraterrestrial is a game that came out of E.T's butt about jumping into wells and being attacked by mad scientists who chase you through the bland unchanging environment while E.T screams like a little girl. Since Atari only had six weeks to create the game after spending $25,000,000 acquiring the rights to make E.T. look even uglier they didn't create the game themselves, but recycled a Nazi experiment designed to test how long it would take for a person's head to pop.
This game was so bad that it led to a wave of mass suicides as children as well as their parents, pets and sometimes their electricity supplies were so upset and frightened that they had purchased, viewed or provided power to run the game that they realized death was the only option. The death count has been estimated at 5 million human lives, 1 million pet lives and 3.5 terajoule of electricity. If you played the game for long enough, 12 seconds to be precise, E.T. would be so ashamed of starring in the game that he would become suicidal himself. At this point E.T. will kill himself by jumping into a watery pit and sinking to the bottom.
Instead of phoning home, E.T. will instead be dialing 911.
E.T. The Extraterrestrial is generally accepted as the greatest disaster in the history of financial and other forms of trading between conscious beings. Although we don’t yet have data from parallel universes or Utah it’s hard to believe that a greater financial disaster could have occurred elsewhere.
Despite being one of the greatest financial failures in the history of sentient life forms in the universe capable of trading, E.T. The Extraterrestrial was one of the greatest financial successes in the history of the landfill site at Alamogordo, New Mexico and the local concrete production plant when they were both purchased by Atari in order to bury 150 tons of their hardware and cover them in concrete and landmines to make sure nobody could get at them and cause another wave of mass suicides.
White Men Can't Jump[edit]
White men can’t jump is an A-Z guide on how to be racist, disguised as a basketball game. It is very diverse racism, since black and white stereotypes are given equal time. The game gives various examples of black language, untranslated into modern English. This is an attempt to encourage white and black children to interact so that white children can understand what the fuck the game is trying to say. Examples include:
- Bangin’ up high the handle homey beef!
- Down street on the flipflop timepants!
According to linguistics experts at Cambridge University these translate as:
- Please do not damage the implement I’m using to barbecue this meat my friend
- Don’t change your mind on the direction we’ll take as we drive
The game programmers daren’t interact with black baseball players outside the office, so they gave 239 million dollars to 23 Cambridge professors instead.
Superman 64[edit]
Superman 64 was an action packed game created by Lex Luthor , noted for its breathtaking visuals and immersive gameplay. In the game Superman throws cars into walls, flies through rings, swims past giant squids, flies through rings, runs into walls and flies through rings. Special moves available to Superman include ice breath and super semen released after Superman pleasures himself for 5 minutes (as shown in the image to the right).
AIRCARS[edit]
AIRCARS is a cutting edge video game about flying bath tubs which lay eggs. The purpose of AIRCARS is to keep a group of atheists based in a computer hardware shop basement from taking over the world. You play on the side of the Christians who have stolen the secret plans for a nuclear AIRCAR. Unfortunately, there was a mix-up, and instead of stealing the plans for a supercar from a group of super-intelligent computer nerds, you stole the plans for a bathtub from a top secret waste basket. Luckily for you the nerds made the same mistake and they fly around in upturned bathtubs which lay brown eggs whenever hit.
Due to the mix-up with the engineering schematics the AIRCARS don't have brakes, so once you start accelerating, your only chance of survival is quickly throwing all your bibles out of the front to take advantage of Isaac Newton’s third law of motion: for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Since this is merely a scientific theory Christians don’t actually believe in it and they instead think Newton’s law applies to holy wars like the crusades.
A typical AIRCARS adventure is you careening out of control through trees and waiting for your clumsy rolling bathtub to explode. If you are lucky enough to get an enemy tank in your sights, chances are you won't be able to stop before most of that tank has crashed through your windshield and landed on your lap.
Subway Sandwiches: The Video Game[edit]
This game is based off the popular Subway commercials starring Jared. In the game, you play a person looking for a job at Subway. In the first level, you go into a store and fill out an application (while dodging the sexual advances of the manager). The second level begins when you go to have your drug test done. You walk in and you fill out the application they give you. Five points are deducted for each instance of incorrect spelling. If you spell four words incorrectly, you lose a life.
After the paperwork is done being filed, now comes the urination. You must aim your urine flow into the cup and fill it up to the first line on the side. Five points are deducted for each miss and ten points if you get some on your pants.
Now comes the third level: Your first day at work. You must make fifty sandwiches in an hour or you will be fired. After you are done with this a crazed gunman comes in and orders you to make a "special order" for him. You go in the back to make the special sauce, which consists of masturbating into a cup. If you make no mistakes, the gunman leaves satisfied.
Here is a summary of the remaining levels:
Level Four: Cleaning the bathroom Level Five: Refilling the soda machine Level Six: Refilling the napkin dispenser
Level Seven is simply known as the "Jared" level. This is where you meet him in person. It turns out that Jared and Subway have plans for world domination, so it is up to you to stop them. You enter Subway Headquarters and take out the security guards with the machine gun which you picked up at the "Refilling the napkin dispenser" level. You then solve three riddles to cross the river of lava. Slay the dragon on the other side by using the magic ring you found in the toilet in the "Cleaning the bathroom" level. Now it is time to take on Jared. He is by far the most difficult opponent in the game. Standing over eight feet tall, he has a robotic suit that shoots missles at you. Blow up the missles in mid-air and dodge the laser beams that come out of Jared's eyes. If you are successful in defeating him, topless Swedish bikini models come out of nowhere and surround you and tell you that they love a man in uniform.
From Fart to Finish[edit]
This game was first released in 1981 for the Atari 2600 and was re-released in 1995 for the Atari shaguar. It is a two-person fighting game in which the players fart on one another in an attempt to overcome them using the noxious gasses released.
Due to the fact that both players have been genetically engineered to have arses specially designed for farting, they don’t move smoothly across the screen, but rather waddle like drugged up ducks moving over an adhesive strip. Each player has different strengths of attack. There is a compromise to be made between not emitting enough toxic gas and farting with such great power that the character is either blown off the side of the screen or has his intestines blown out through his pelvis.
Most of your time in From Fart to Finish is spent waiting for your opponent to hobble across the screen to get close enough for you to lift up your leg high enough to fart on his head; which usually results in you falling over before you manage to fart. After get up and you finally manage to waddle over to your opponent and he decides to fart on your head, you get to take a nap and wait for your opponent to stand up again before you can start the long walk over to where he landed after his mega-fart blast. It's like watching two legless sleepwalkers play tag.
Here's one unique combat feature: if you push the fart button while you're crouching, and you're lucky enough for the controls to notice, your player will push his head upwards into your opponents genitals and fart downward with extraordinary force causing your opponent to drop to floor and squeal like Eric Cartman's pig when it happens to be next to his bed when Eric gets up .Crouching is just a useless option you can use if you want to look like a duck before you stand up and fart. And since we've already established that you're stupid enough to be playing From Fart to Finish, that's entirely possible.
Nematode Worms[edit]
This is a game which takes place inside the human digestive tract. It is composed of a series of parasitic worms, of the phylum nematoda, attacking one another with weapons such as a banana peel bomb, pastry magic bullet, toxic gas canister, shitgun and suicide bummer.
It is a turn based games in which the worms use a large stockpile of real imaginary weapons (such as Israeli WMD and Iraqi WMD which is represented mathematically I + Ii) to destroy each other and the digestive tract of the individual that they occupy.
Big Wigs: Over the House of Lords Racing[edit]
The box of Big Wigs states that the player may "[r]ace crooks across London, with cops chasing [him or her]." But, just like in the real British political system, there are no cops in the game chasing the political crooks. Additionally, the "computer-controlled" opponent vehicle, also known as the electorate, has no AI and never moves from the starting position. The player simply drives the crook into Parliament.
There are no obstacles for the player to negotiate in Big Rigs, as the Crook may freely be driven on and off roads without any loss of traction, straight up hills, through bridges, schools, hospitals and even out of the map's boundaries, into the Cayman Islands for example or to crooked Italian media moguls.
Quotes[edit]
Extreme Sports with the Bernstein Bears
- Calling this game "extreme" is like calling this game "crappy." Both of them are way too kind.
- If you're the kind of person who would play through Extreme Sports with the Berenstein Bears twice, you'd probably have just as much fun banging your own giant head against the inside of an abandoned refrigerator.
Bible Adventures
- After an hour of trying to find where Satan hid my boat's second pony, I gave up. Either God gives me a god damn pony detector or He's just going to have to make some more ponies after he's done killing everybody. Lazy fuck.
- Even if you kill Baby Moses, you still feel pretty good about yourself. And I'd like to think that's exactly how Baby Moses would want it while he was sitting on the bottom of the river getting eaten by spiders?
Kris Kross: Make My Video
- The radio callers will demand insane things like, "No shots of cars, lots of horizontal wipes, a goat, and please end the maddening terror that is my life!"
- As great as the original MTV video is, you'll find that vintage footage of can-can dancers and old cartoon women talking in front of laundry machines really makes you wanna jump jump!
- If you normally watch MTV through a sandstorm on a TV with no vertical hold while you're huffing nitrous retard, it'll seem like norma... actually, no, this game will still be worse.
- These people could have made a game about ass cancer worse than the original.
Twilight, THE BOOK Mormon Abstinence porn with vampires. Consists of people who sort of look like Jim Carrie, may be illegal in some countries
Bubsy 3D
- If this sounds like something you'd like, then you might also like chewing on a piece of tin foil that a fat person was using as underwear.
- Unless it's an item that makes one million cheerleaders appear in your living room and start washing their cars, it's probably not worth the pain and suffering it takes to get to it.
- Bubsy's world looks like it was built out of old milk cartons by a group of first graders from a country that had never seen milk cartons before. And did I mention that they didn't have scissors, glue, or hands and had to put them together while they were covered in bees?
Bad Street Brawler
- There are girl scouts born with flippers that can punch better than the game’s psychotic vigilante.
- If the amount of technology that went into making Bad Street Brawler look so terrible could be harnessed for the power of good, it could probably solve all of the world's problems.
Total Recall
- Your character in Total Recall, like the real Arnold, has an incredible arsenal of moves at his disposal: both a jump, and a sad thing he does with his wrist that sort of resembles pleasuring his mutated pet Alsatian.
- The mutants in the faulty Mars domes that had half their faces melted off and had to be carried around in slimy baskets could shit things prettier than this game.
- If the British made a musical sitcom based on Total Recall set in a flower shop owned by mimes, it would still be a better spin-off of Total Recall than this.
Hour of Vicotry
- You play as Adolf Hitler trying to defeat the US army and take over Europe and North America
- Pass this game in an hour.
- Play with very poor faces with a Crappy rip-off of Call of Duty 2 and 3.
- Play "Conquer The World" mode were you will invade country by country until you have taken over the World with the Rest of the Axis.Watch out for any American, British, and Soviet protesters!
DRIV3R
- PW3N people from time to time in a car.
- Be carfuel for any hitmen hired by Rockstar Games, espacilly if there name is Tommy Vercetti or Claude Speed or Carl "CJ" Johnson.
Winnie the Pooh on Drugs Too (RPG Version)
- You play as Winnie the Pooh, Piglet and Rabbit, trying to defeat a gay bunny of doom, Mr. Snuggles.
- It is a total rip-off of UnScripts:Winnie The Pooh's on Drugs Too.
- The design was the last thing Sexist Bear worked on.
- It is not funny.