Haruhiism

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Haruhi Suzumiya, the Goddess and the primary deity of Haruhiism.

This article is about the religion. For the overrated anime and light novel franchise, see Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya.

Haruhiism is a Weeabooic monotheistic religion teaching that there is only one Goddess (Haruhi) and that Kyon is the messenger of the Goddess (probably). It is the world's second-largest growing religion and the second fastest-growing major religion in the world with over 18 billion followers, known as Haruhiists, despite the fact that there are only 7 million people in the world.

Haruhiism teaches that the Goddess is crazy, insane, and easily bored and has not helped mankind in any manner^{[no citation needed]}, all while unaware of her true identity as a Goddess and her omnipotent reality-changing powers. The primary scripture of Haruhiism is the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya.

Haruhiists believe that Haruhiism is the one true faith and that people who worship other goddesses such as the Church of Madoka are either schismatics, heretics or infidels. They consider the anime and the light novel Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya as the unaltered and final Word of Goddess.

Etymology and Meaning

Davido-kun, the ancestor and possible founder of the Haruhiist religion

Haruhiism comes from the Weeabooic group of major religions, belonging in the same group with other major religions such as the Church of Madoka and the Church of the Four Goddesses of Neptunia. Weeabooic religions share a common characteristic in which they are founded by Davido, a legendary prophet in Japan which is accepted by the three religions as their common ancestor.

Doctrine and Theology

Concept of Goddess

Haruhiists are widely considered to have the most insane, antagonistic, and crazy concept of Goddess out of the three major Weaabooic religions. Haruhi Suzumiya is accepted to be weird and crazy. Her mood, her mind and her decisions are constantly fluctuating and she does things on a whim. Such insane Theology can be described in Episode "The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya Part II" or "Suzumiya Haruhi no Yūutsu II" (涼宮ハルヒの憂鬱II) as follows:

"And We shall take a computer from the Computer Research Society. And We shall take it by force. Kyon, be amazed and look with this camera I shall make it look like that the guy (who is probably a perverted man) and the other guys had gang-banged the girl Mikuru and Them (they) raped and gang-banged her - Haruhi 4:3 - Suzumiya Haruhi no Yūutsu II"

Haruhiists had long denied or downplayed the homosexual tendencies of Haruhi.

An important doctrine in Haruhiist Theology is the Doctrine of Not-Omniscience in which the Goddess Haruhi Suzumiya does not know that she is a Goddess, is unaware of her reality-changing powers and that no one, not even the members of the SOS Brigade is to inform her of her true identity as this is too dangerous.

A recurring feature in Haruhiist Theology and Eschatology is that the Goddess Haruhi Suzumiya needs to be regularly appeased and be entertained by the SOS Brigade with nonsense things. Otherwise, if the Goddess becomes severely bored, there is a high risk that she might cause the entire Earth and the Universe to end. The Goddess also believes in the existence of espers, time-travelers and aliens.

Haruhi Suzumiya also regularly sexually harasses and gropes Mikuru Asahina, but the majority of Haruhiist scholars deny that the Goddess is lesbian or homosexual in any way, arguing that she is straight or "simply not gay". Historians and scholars cite this theological development to the historical antagonism with its rival religion Church of Madoka which worshipped lesbian homosexual goddesses and magical girls.

The SOS Brigade

Members of the SOS Brigade from left to right: Kyon, Haruhi, Mikuru, Koizumi and Yuki Nagato

The SOS Brigade is a group of high school students whose job is to appease Haruhi to prevent her from ending the world. The members are Yuki Nagato, an alien, Mikuru Asahina, a time-traveler, Koizumi Itsuki, an esper and Kyon, a dude. Unlike other religions, the members are not worshipped nor do they play a central role in the religion, with the exception of Yuki Nagato which is admired and was given her own Scripture - The Disappearance of Yuki-chan Nagato which was nonetheless declared as Non-Canon by religious scholars.

The Five Pillars of Haruhiism

The Five Pillars of Haruhiism summarizes the core tenets of Haruhiist practice and praxis. Haruhiist scholars believe that the Five Pillars are the minimum requirements to be followed by any steadfast Haruhiist.

• Testimony of Belief- Believing that Haruhi is the only Goddess and that Kyon is Her only Messenger (Variants can include Yuki Nagato), rejecting rival religions such as the Church of Madoka and rejecting the heretic belief that Haruhi is "Waifu" or "Best Girl" as the Bible says you are not supposed to fantasize nor masturbate your God.
• Prayer to Haruhi - Daily prayer to Haruhi Suzumiya. This does not necessarily connote an oral or a written prayer as prayers to Haruhi could be done in the manner of dancing the holy song "Hare Hare Yukai" in public places as steadfastly as possible or placing a Haruhi sex pillow in any ground of any public place and prostrating to it five times. Even cosplaying, reading the light novels or watching the anime will do.

A Haruhiist doing his/her? daily devotion.

• Haruhiist Merchandise - A Haruhiist is obliged to spend his or her money on holy objects related to the religion, such as copies of the Holy Scripture, such as light novels or Blu-ray and DVD releases of the anime and the movie. Spending one's money on Haruhi figurines, sex pillows and other respectable merchandise is also accepted and recommended.
• Endless Eight - During the month of Endless Eight, all Haruhiists undergo fasting in which they watch all of the episodes of Endless Eight daily.
• Pilgrimage to Akibahara - The obligatory Haruhiist pilgrimage can take two forms - pilgrimage to Akibahara, a Holy City of Haruhiism, in which Haruhiist merchandise abound or pilgrimage to Nishinomiya, another Holy City in Haruhiism, the place where Haruhi is born. Every Haruhiist is obliged to do this pilgrimage if he or she is physically and financially able, and upon doing so they get the honorary title "Weeb" affixed to their name.

Shakira Law

Shakira Law is the religious law of Haruhiism, similar to the 613 Laws of the Goddess Nep Nep. It covers various aspects of daily life such as family relations, warfare, economics though in reality is has no content at all as Haruhi has little or nothing to say about such fields.

Shakira Law is feared by US politicians and conservatives as well as Alt-right groups in Europe. It is also hated by the Church of Madoka as they believe that the punishment for lesbians enshrined in the Shakira Law is that lesbian schoolgirls and magical girls are to be thrown over a tall building or be beheaded.

History

Founding

The traditional narrative is that Haruhiism is founded in Nishinomiya, Japan, not by Haruhi and that Haruhi has little involvement in the founding of the religion herself. This is because according to Haruhiist theology, Haruhi Suzumiya is unaware that she is the Goddess. Tradition holds that either Kyon, or the other members of the SOS Brigade are responsible for founding the religion and therefore, the adventures of the SOS Brigade and the events of Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya and Disappearance can be marked as the start of the Haruhiist religion.

Scholars however disagree, arguing that the religion was in fact founded by the legendary prophet Davido who proselytized the religion to the masses. They argue from Scriptural Evidence that nothing in the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya light novels and anime support the traditionalist position.

Religious scholars are not quite sure on who exactly proselytized the Haruhiist religion and defined and rationalized its theology aside from Davido. They discounted the SOS Brigade as they are probably too busy with entertaining Haruhi nor do they see any benefit in millions of weebs worshipping an deranged deity. A possible candidate is Ryoko Asakura but she tried to kill Kyon so probably not.

Split Between the Sunny and the Shia Leboufs

Hare Hare Yukai dances such as these became prominent after the spread of Haruhiism.

After the events of Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, Dissapearance and lots and lots of light novels that Kyoto Animations did not bother to adapt (as they are busy animating some homosexual swimmers or the adventures of some stupid chicken bird), Haruhiism then spread outside of Japan to other countries such as Russia, France and the United States.

When Haruhi suddenly disappeared, disagreement occurred over Haruhiists on whether who is Best Girl, whether it is Haruhi Suzumiya, Yuki Nagato or Mikuru Asahina (But her supporters has less support). We now call this the split between the Sunny and the Shia Leboufs.

Adopting the religion of Haruhiism and siding with the Shia Leboufs, after trying to kill Kyon, Ryouko Asakura founded a Caliphate of her own. This was the time that she came up with the iconic chant of Haruhiism that even ISIS-chan uses today which is "Aloha Snackbar", which if you chant it you will magically explode.

Golden Age of Haruhiism

After the establishment of the Ryouko Asakura Caliphate, Haruhiism experienced a Golden Age. This Golden Age was marked by the widespread broadcast of the holy song "Hare Hare Yukai, that even prisoners began to dance it, widespread cosplaying of Haruhi and SOS Brigade Members in weeaboo conventions and the emergence of Haruhiism as a global phenomenon. This Golden Age was to be halted by the growth of other rival religions such as the Church of Madoka and the Church of Neptunia.

Rise of ISIS-chan

ISIS-chan kickstarted the Wasabist Haruhiist movement.

The 20th and 21st centuries saw the rise of ISIS-chan, a devout Haruhiist follower who, dismayed by the rise of the Churches of Madoka and Neptunia, began to bring a knife and randomly stab people. Her best friend is Megumin-chan, whom she would do with Explosion Magic together. In her efforts to defend and spread the Haruhiist faith in the Modern Era, ISIS-chan kick-started Wasabism, a movement based on the Japanese spicy condiment. She also became friends with Truck-chan. However, her adventures would be halted by Putin-chan, Trump-chan and Obama-chan, who defeated her.

Denominations

Haruhiism is primarily divided into two denominations: The Sunny and the Shia Leboufs who quarrel on the doctrine over whether Yuki Nagato should be given more praise and attention or if all efforts and worship should be directed towards the Goddess Haruhi Suzumiya. They also disagree on the rights of succession between the members of SOS Brigade.

Sunny Leboufs believe that Kyon is the rightful successor of Haruhi Suzumiya, and that Haruhi conferred the right to preach and to govern the faith to Kyon. Shia Leboufs believe that it was Mikuru Asahina and Yuki Nagato who were the rightful successors of the Goddess Haruhi. Both sides believe each other to be heretics and schismatics, Sunni Leboufs accusing the Shia Leboufs to be influenced by Yuri-ism acquired from rival religions, while Shia Leboufs accuse the Sunni Leboufs of making a heretical Adulterous Husbando for the Goddess.

There are other denominations that exist within Haruhiism, though they have either fewer followers than the two major divisions or are simply of minor importance.

A notable school of teaching considered as a radical and an extremist form of Haruhiism is a movement named "Wasabism" which was founded by ISIS-chan. Named for the Japanese spicy condiment, the movement is notable for fun activities such as running around and randomly stabbing people with a knife, driving with Truck-chan, doing Explosion Magic with Megumin-chan, and chanting the holy chant "Aloha Snackbar" in public places to scare away people. The movement is criticized for harshly persecuting Shia Lebouf Haruhiists, followers of the Churches of Madoka and Neptunia as well as drawing the ire of several governments such as the Holy Britannian Empire .

Art, Cosplay and Music

A stained glass depicting the SOS Brigade in a Haruhiist House of Worship.

In Haruhiist art, erotic and sexual depictions of the Goddess Haruhi is frowned, as the Bible says "Thou shalt not masturbate your God". Therefore, pornography is lacking. The same thing however does not apply to Mikuru Asahina but no one cares.

Haruhiist cosplay is also prevalent in which members would don the North High School uniform and dance the holy song "Hare Hare Yukai" preferably in public venues and in public places. Though just dancing is sacred, as the masterpiece of the prisoners dancing the song show.

Haruhiist music and liturgy is dominated by songs such as "Hare Hare Yukai", "Bouken Desho Desho" and other songs heard in the anime. Arguably the holiest song and the most renowned in the Haruhiist religion is the song "Hare Hare Yukai". The songs are sung by Aya Hirano, a seiyuu who fucked somebody, which is apparently a good enough reason to fire her.

Relationship with Other Religions

Relationship with the Church of Madoka

Haruhiists have a difficult relationship with the Church of Madoka which is inevitable as both religions are monotheist and exclusivist. A lot of similarities exist between the two religions - Such as both religions have goddesses with homosexual tendencies (less pronounced in Haruhiism), both religions have goddesses which are fairly ordinary individuals still studying at school, both religions are founded and centered in Japan. However, outside of that the doctrinal and theological differences between Haruhiism and the Church of Madoka are huge.

Tsuruya, one of the great characters of the Haruhiist religion criticizes the followers of the Church of Madoka in "Nyoron Churuya-san":

"O Our Goddess Haruhi curse befall those who follow Homura Akemi and Madoka Kaname! For they are gay, homosexual, Yuri lesbian magical girls who do not know the real Goddess (Haruhi). Our Goddess hates all Yuri Faggots and heed! Listen! She will cause your Yuri lesbian magical girls to suffer depression and suffering and you followers of Madoka shall stop in your immoral unnatural ways! She will even cause your beloved Mami Tomoe to be beheaded! The wrath of Urobutcher knows no bounds!"

In fact, the difficulties between the Church of Madoka and Haruhiism led to warfare in the Deus Vult Meme War over the control of the Holy City Akibahara along with the Madokaist Inquisition that no one expected.

Relationship with the Church of Neptunia

Though both the Church of Neptunia and Haruhiism could share certain similarities such as tracing common ancestry from Davido, differences are more than similarities. Members of both sides try to proselytize each other, with little success.

It was said that Ryouko Asakura killed 700-1,000 followers of the Goddesses Nep Nep, Plutia, Vert and Noire in the Top 10 Anime Betrayals.

Relationship With Other Animu Religions

Unlike the followers of the Church of Neptunia and Madoka, which however Haruhiism respects as the "People of the Anime" to a degree, members of other religions such as Hatsune Miku-ism, Kizuna Ai-ism and Hentai-ism are treated differently.

Kuyo Tachibana was the one who levied a special tax towards such members in which they are to pay money for her to be able to buy hentai doujinshis, sex pillows and manga.

See also

• Bullshit
• God
• Religion
• Jesus Christ
• Anime
• Otaku
• Hentai

Further Reading

• The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya (涼宮ハルヒの憂鬱 Suzumiya Haruhi no Yūutsu)
• The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya (涼宮ハルヒの消失 Suzumiya Haruhi no Shōshitsu)