Geologic time scale
Jump to navigation Jump to search
|Computers evolve, and Al Gore invents the interwebs (aswell as everything else that isn't bolted down). Life as we know it becomes marginally bearable. Pornography diversifies into positively weird forms. Television goes extinct.
|PRE-MODERN / POST-FLOOD EON
|Information appears out of thin air, and spreads rapidly. Edison invents everything that hasn't already been invented yet. Uncyclopedia rips off Bart Simpsons Guide to Life, Philosopholis Thompson is born.
|Darwinism is invented, which leads to heliocentrism, independent thought, abiogenesis, immorality, and veneral diseases. Civilization collapses.
|Nothing important happens.=-) Other than a Spanish Inquisition, but then no one expected that and everyone tries hard to not remember it.
|The first virgin evolves from non-virgin ancestors. John the Baptist invents bathing. His cousin, Jesus, invents wine and eternal damnation. Flesh eating zombies evolve and crawl out of local graveyards and pester everybody else.
|Jason invents the Trojan horse, then goes on an odyssey. The Greeks discover philosophy, followed by Plato. Socrates invents the question mark. Near the end of the era, Rome invents the Empire.
|Ziggurats appear in great numbers. King Nebuchadnezzar invents the Necco Wafer™. and the hexadecimal system.
|Moses invents the Bible™. Frogs evolve from amphibious ancestors and eat Egypt. Massive geological disturbances stops Earth from spinning, kills firstborn babies, and makes axe heads float temporarily. Edible bread falls from the skies, choking local trade routes. The sun turns black as sackcloth, the moon turns to blood, and stars fall out of the sky. Primitive Jews invent pessimism.
|Nimrod invents the brick, and begins construction of the Stairway to Heaven. Primitive Egyptians begin to walk funny.
|Icebergs recede. Entire fossil record up to this point becomes sorted, collated, and indexed as mud turns to rock overnight.
|Earth accidentally swaps places with Pluto for three months. Hell freezes over for the first time. Frigidaire® stocks plummet.
|A gigantic asteroid strikes the Earth, causing history's worst mass extinction ever. Trilobites, dinosaurs, wooly mammoths, neanderthals, classical music, the Bee Gees, and moral values are all wiped out forever. Arks and umbrellas become economically feasible.
|Alcohol is invented, followed by the cocktail weenie. Earth's entire population takes a well-deserved holiday to indulge in non-stop fornication. Aliens on other planets complain about the noise.
|Man discovers the penis, and wonders how that got there. The male orgasm is discovered three minutes later, followed by a brief nap. Primitive snakes lose the ability to talk.
|Man suddenly loses fur and invents nudism to compensate. God opens the world's first naturist resort, with complimentary fruit.
|Man evolves all by himself and disavows alleged primate ancestry as a filthy lie.
|BIG HONKING GAPOZOIC
|Missing links abound. Earth acquires third moon. Sleestak awaken from their long slumber and feed on errant time travellers.
|Primitive chimpanzees evolve from the mist, and invent bananas.
|The first lawyers evolve. Barney the Dinosaur goes on a rampage and eats prehistoric Tokyo. The clam becomes legal tender for all purchases, public and private.
|Billions of homeless kittens wiped out by massive masturbatory epidemic. Their decayed remains become the oil that lines our Alaskan coastlines and powers our industrial machinery.
|Great beds of coal form from decompressed diamond deposits. Sea level rises of 3,000m. Polar bears become extinct. Most bird skeletons found chopped in half. Oklo No4 accident, Gabon evacuated.
|Fishes evolve and invent underwater sex. Primitive trilobites begin to taste like chicken.
|Earth's surface cools sufficiently for ooziferous goo to congeal all over the place. The goo was stuff that was created after the big bang. Life invents and patents itself. Precambrian wood becomes plentiful.
|In the beginning there was nothing, with an exception of God. But who created God? Never mind, there was another God that decided to end another universe so he decided to sign an agreement for a fresh agreement. God hated being the dark so he decided to create light. The universe explodes, causing aliens from other universes to complain about the noise. Quarks appear in great numbers. Sedimentary rocks from this time period are rare because they have all long since been eaten by grues. Time is invented near the end of the era.