Command & Conquer: Read Alert 3
| ☭ WДЯИIИG! ☭
Tiz pдge zhoцld Ь read with a ztroиg Яussian дсceиt дt дll timez. |
| Command & Conquer: Read Alert 3 | |
| |
| Read Alert 3 | |
|---|---|
| Developer | Electronic Arts, Challenge Everything! |
| Made In | U.S. and the goddamn A. |
| Release Date | 28 October 2008 |
| Rating by ESRB | PG |
| Genre | Soft-core Pornography, Science Fiction |
| Supports | DRM SecuROM |
| Format | PC, Xbox-360, PS3 |
| Preceded by | Command & Conquer 3: Boyle's Vengeance |
| Followed by | Command & Conquer 4 (Episode 1): Tiberium Twilight |
| Will <insert name here> install it? | No. |
“This is the time for the new fate of Read Alert! The time for hope! The time for change! The time for optimism, and to not let ourselves be discouraged from buying Read Alert 3 discs with 5 Authorization Limits.”
“The best victory is when all your Soviet's base are belong to you before there is any actual setting them up the Sushi Bomb.”
“I make premier pro- TELL THE PREMIER I BEEN WOUNDED!”
Command & Conquer: Read Alert 3 (codenamed Sexy Alert 3) is a 2008 live action soft-core pornographic video game wrapped in a PG rating. It is the first ever sexy game in the Command & Conquer series, published by Electronic Arts. Announced on April 1, 2008, the game has been released by EA Los Angeles exclusively for Microsoft Windows-based PCs, resulting in various unexplainable forms of incompatibility issues.[1]
The game remakes the Read Alert Universe in Electronic Art's likeness, abandoning the concept of "parallel universes". Based on a true story, World War II was in fact altered by some insidious space-time continuum. A massive world war was ongoing among the Communists and Democrats, while a brand new third faction, known as the Empire of the Rising Star, has miraculously risen in power. [2]
In Read Alert 3, unlike the rest of the Command & Conquer: Read Alert series, this time round, it has absolutely nothing to do with that dude. The developers do not want this "sequel" to be a "what if…" story.[3] Featuring great adult talents--such as Playboy's Jenny McCarthy as Tanya Adams, Avril Lavigne as Tanya's girlfriend, Rowan Atkinson as Lieutenant "Busty" Eva in Sergeant rank, Vladimir Putin as the Soviet Premier, George Takei as Emperor Sulu, a couple of anonymous Japanese AV stars as Empire's Commanders, <insert name here> as That Commander, as well as myself as <insert name here>'s Co-Commander--the events of Read Alert 3 will replace the events in Read Alert 2 and the expansion, Urine’s Revenge; and are supposedly considered canon to the overarching storyline.
Gameplay[edit]
The "single-player" campaign of Read Alert 3 is now fully co-operative, meaning you can go live with a web cam and show "what you've got" to someone you like online. It will be the first RTS live action soft-core pornographic video game that has such a feature. In each mission, it is compulsory to play alongside an ally. When you play online, this is another human player, whereas if you play offline, it will be one of several computer-controlled characters with pre-recorded web cam videos. Computerized characters can be given extremely simple commands, such as an order to take a specific sexual position or to strike a specific target really hard. For example, you can click on the first button to request your ally to perform a position 69; otherwise, you can select a sensitive spot of your opponent and request your ally to strike it hard and painful. The campaign has nine sexy missions for each side. Each side's plot-lines are mutually exclusive, which will be exposed in the following chapter below.
Manually controlled secondary abilities are common to each and every unit in the game. How each ability is employed varies: some are toggled on or off, others are targeted, and still others are triggered the instant one presses the button. For example, An Imperial School Girl can deploy her psionic orgasm with the press of the button, a Soviet conscript can switch his rifle to flaming Vodka (or Molotov Cocktail) at will, and an Allied soldier can engage his rubber with a button press but with a cool-down that requires a period of time to pass before the ability can be activated again. All abilities are bound to the same magic key that will be unlocked if one purchases another fresh copy of Read Alert 3.
The Overarching Storyline[edit]
In Read Alert 3, with the Democrat's victory imminent, the Soviet Premier's last desperate choice is to activate a top-secret prototype project that involved in Soviet version of the DeLorean Time Machine--but it is not a DeLorean; it’s a Russian made ZIL car. The Communists are wavering, the Premiere escaped, and the state is collapsing fast. With the fate of USSR at stake, Officer Vladimir Putin knows the only way to thwart the fall of USSR is to travel back in time to remove Einstein's mother, Mrs. Einstein, before he is born, preventing U.S. and A. from ever starting the events of Read Alert 2, thus allowing Soviets to win by default. Previously in Read Alert 2, after two over hyped agents had just teleported via Stargate, they saw this project by accident and quickly requested somebody who was free at that moment to help. That somebody turned out to be a guy named "<insert name here>", and he managed to trail Officer Vladimir Putin, his superior known as Colonel Krukov, and a silly hunched communist scientist. The ZIL car teleported all of them to the past. However, the time travel was a major screw up: when the agents and <insert name here> arrived the supposed destination, they realized that USSR has been under attack by a faction with a raised white flag and red circle on the center. Confused and assuming that the flag is a sign for surrender, the group were almost killed by cute people with big eyes and small mouths. <insert name here> ducked into the bushes, whispering frighteningly onto his communication set: “Read Alert! Read Alert!” That was how Read Alert 3 began.
Communists' Campaign[edit]
Viewer Discretion: Communist's footage will be filmed using a traditional black and white tape recorder.
So, the trio miraculously returned safe and sound to the Kremlin, and Officer Vladimir Putin realized he is the Premier, much to Krukov's disappointment. Krukov has become a six star general with full metal medals plastered all over his body, and on many occasions, Premier Putin laughed and mocked at him, calling him "Iron Man". The scientist did not receive any special privilege in this altered timeline, and he became emotional. Suddenly Emperor Sulu appeared onscreen and started with his "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" speech, followed by a surprise attack on Russia. The Soviet forces fled in disarray and surrendered...or so you thought.
A mysterious Soviet commander known as <insert name here> came and saved Russia initially, and then slowly reunited the Soviet Union. Under the guidance of a mysterious Red Son, the Iron Fist campaigned out of Russia, and within a week of epic campaigning, the Soviets penetrated into Europe, and eventually into Africa, successfully. However, during an unexpected surprise battle, the Soviets made a terrible mistake, and Russia gets invaded by Japan eventually. As the Soviets' morale weakened, Red Son ripped his face and revealed his identity. To everyone's horror, it was Kane!
| “ | It's time you saw the future! The future is here, Comrades! Salvation is here! | ” |
It was realized that all along, it was Kane and his evil plans to form a stronghold in Africa, forming the USSA (United Supreme Soviets of Africa), as he foresaw a downfall in Africa. In one sweeping move, Kane converted what was left of the Soviet troops to form his Salvation Army.
After that, the hot communication officer felt horny, became drunk after consuming huge amounts of vodka, and started to strip in front of <insert name here>. Suddenly the black and white video tape ran out of tapes and the transmission was cut. The end.
Democrats Campaign[edit]
Viewer Discretion: Democrats' footage will be deliberately filmed in an "amateur video tape style" for enhanced experience to the viewers; this episode is not for the faint hearted and weak stomached.
Bam! An opening eye. A snowy ground. Shadows zooming by. A bird flying by. Droppings splatted on the ground nearby. The screen shakes. (It was <insert name here> who did the picking up of the camera and began to film his findings in a fashion similar to a mentally handicapped person as he held and recorded it, running around in an unstable fashion, just like Cloverfield Style). <insert name here> ran towards a nearby Democrat Outpost. <insert name here> saw the wreckage of the mysterious faction's slaughter. Suddenly, <insert name here> heard Japanese voices. Panicked, <insert name here> ran. <insert name here> knocked into somebody. <insert name here> became unconscious.
<insert name here> woke up; suddenly <insert name here> heard a voice. A beautiful blonde in a sexy tank top came into view, and then asked "Are you alive? Prove it!" <insert name here> was surprised and explained the situation with sign language. "Tanya" was surprised by the changed timeline and didot seem to know whom "Einstein" was.
| “ | Is Einstein a can of tuna or chicken? | ” |
After informing the Deomocrat leaders, President Barack Obama ordered you to steal that Time Machine, and demanded a change of the timeline back to Read Alert 2, as the new Empire of the Rising Star is annoying and silly. However, the discussion is interrupted, as the Empire spam a swarm of exploding dragonflies all over Democrat states. After the distraction, Tanya agreed to help <insert name here> to steal that ZIL car. Tanya and her "Girlfriends" somehow managed to steal the ZIL car Time Machine by "distracting the commie bastards" as Tanya explained. After <insert name here> examined the ZIL car, <insert name here> gained inspiration from a memorable movie. Since Einstein never existed, and Back To The Future was never written and the DeLorean Time Machine was never invented anyway, <insert name here> is not breaking any laws. When the DeZIL Time Machine is finally built, <insert name here> became emo (and horny) and decided to sleep with Tanya Adams while doing the shaky video taping; repeatedly dropping of video cam on the floor; and accidentally--or deliberately?--blocking the lens of the video cam, resulting in unfortunate indirect "censoring", and not showing any private parts or hints of it. Call that strategic censoring.
Using the DeZIL Time Machine, <insert name here> and Tanya managed to teleport into the heart of Russia. Using Tanya's secondary ability (aka. the "distracting the commie bastards" ability), she managed to distract the elite Conscripts, Flak Troopers, Tesla Troopers and even War Bears into an underground bunker and locked them in. Meanwhile, <insert name here> sneaked into the Kremlin, then yelled "Where is the Premiere?" A small, skinny Russian man in an oversize Premiere uniform stood up and waved his hand. <insert name here> took out his helmet and smacked it onto the fake "Premiere", jumped onto a desk, and found Vladimir Putin in red "Hammer and Sickle" Edition boxers. <insert name here> did not waste any time and threw the Soviet Premiere into a giant freezer dubbed "The Cryo Prison, sponsored by the Democrats".
In the end, <insert name here> is given a choice to choose a date with Lieutenant Eva, this time in a see-through white dress, or Tanya Adams, this time in a black Halloween costume.
Empire's Campaign[edit]
Viewer Discretion: Empire's footage will be filmed in a "real life meets Anime" format for enhanced experience to the viewers, much similar to the successful Hollywood film called "Speed Racer". The details are very bright and colorful; sometimes, the scenes are so intense that blindness may ensue. Please wear protective sunglasses while playing this campaign.
Flash flickering all over the screen. The Empire of the Rising Star logo becomes clearer and the flashing gets brighter and brighter. The screen becomes so glaring for a moment and eventually fades out and we see the Imperial flag. Suddenly, a dragonfly robot flies by, making annoying buzzing noises. The camera chases after the annoying bug, which was flying past a huge swarm of short skinny people with sharp things and some stationary giant mechanized robots in sleeping postures, and eventually the dragonfly robot becomes tired and decides to rest around the Imperial Flag. A loud "BAM" is heard as a giant robot arm with a big fly swat hit that dragonfly, and everyone else is relieved.
The day of destiny has come. It is New Year's Eve. Emperor Sulu was sipping on green tea then declared that he was gay, and that he could not stand "western barbarians". He called in his son, some Crown Prince Tatsudon, and demanded to attack Russia's souls and spirits without actually killing them. Tatsudon was equally as confused as <insert name here>, and ordered you to just slaughter the Russians with the sharp objects he made, and to ignore his father's mumbo jumbo.
After slaughtering the Russians, <insert name here> contacted Emperor Sulu. This time round, Sulu was sipping green tea and pruning his bonsai plant simultaneously. He began to utter some mumbo jumbo, this time demanding <insert name here> to "strike at them very, very hard", by destroying Premiere Putin's Judo Medals stored in some Alumni building. Tatsudon could not understand what his father's intention was at all, stating that his father was "wasting resources to destroy silly things that do not seem to make sense". <insert name here> destroyed the building and every western things he hated, except for some pornographic magazines.
| “ | You must penetrate the Alumni Building entrance deeply--in and out, in and out--and then strike at at them very, very hard! | ” |
Emperor Sulu was sipping green tea, pruning his bonsai, and doing some kanji calligraphy all at the same time when <insert name here> began to report to him. He openly declares that he wants Soviet General Krukov's heart, soul, and obedience. Tatsudon was disgusted, and issued you some super duper siamese robot triplets superglued together to obliterate everything. After that, Emperor Sulu was happy and made a dedication on "All Request Live", flashing his face all over TV screens all over the world. His son shook his head with disappointment, and his father asked him what was wrong. Tatsudon showed him his secret project, the final cylon model, posing as President Obama, who overheard a joint alliance with the Democrats and the Communists to wipe out the Empire. Emperor Sulu became emotional and handed over to his son the mission to clean up the mess. Tatsudon and <insert name here> did a pretty good job by wiping the Communists, as well as some desperate leaders driving a rigged a bomb in that time traveling ZIL car, attempting to go on 88 miles per hour. Tatsudon decided to suck up to his father and ask him to join him to defeat all the western barbarians in the finale.
The Empire of the Rising Star won. Emperor Sulu was teaching his son how to multitask at the same time--sipping green tea, pruning bonsai plan, and something else--when suddenly some anonymous AV Star appeared and tried to hint to <insert name here> that she wanted you. Before <insert name here> can see what happens, the screen becomes very colorful and too bright. The end.
Ingame Videos[edit]
File:Roots of Breakdance (Run DMC - It's Like That)
A Soviet finale after conquering Africa in the Red Revelation.
File:Russian army soldier dancing
A bonus cut scene in a Soviet campaign where a Russian soldier unleashes his secondary ability.
Cinematography[edit]
Landing a PG Rating[edit]
The cinematography centers on iterative attempts to discover how much cleavage you can get away with without being landed with a PG rating--it worked for Cloverfield. Many scenes had black bars and patches over various female characters, notably Tanya Adams' black bar over her eyes, and two round patches over Lieutenant Eva's chest. Some other scenes were deliberately filmed in a very obscure blurry and foggy environment to "cover up" as much cleavage as possible, in order to hit the PG rating.
Types of Film Methods[edit]
It was planned to have three different kinds of video shoots specially for each unique faction. For example, the Democrats' campagin was be deliberately filmed in an "amateur video tape style", as a gimmick and a nod to the unique video shooting style for the Cloverfield movie. The Soviets' campaign has been shot in a traditional black-and-white tape recorder style to capture the feel of low-end and old fashioned Communist equipment. The Empire of the Rising Star was shot in a unique, never-seen-before "real life meets anime" shot. This technique was be very high in costs, and the best possible reference of this unique video shoot was be "Speed Racer".
Criticism[edit]
Digital Restrictions Management[edit]
Electronic Arts is going ahead with its evil SecuROM-based DRM plans, and Read Alert 3 is, unfortunately, a part of them. Read Alert 3 has a new copy protection, using Digital Restrictions Management (DRM)--basically a system that makes game buying a little more like game renting. The DRM in these products will allow users to play the game up to a limited number of 3 times, after which the files will disintegrate into useless junk files. You will have to phone in to "EA support", and explain to them why they should let you play Read Alert 3 again for more than three times. Usually phoning them has been proven to be 100% useless, as it a a machine-answered call. The reply to angry users is always "We'll get back to you later"--and God knows when "later" is.
Fans of Read Alert, as well as Amazon.com users, were outraged and protested the use of such a troublesome, user-unfriendly system. However, a recent post by Supreme Premier of Read Alert 3 Chris Corny indicates that Read Alert 3 will have a slight improvement in terms of its DRM over a series of much-maligned, unpopular EA products samples (now suffering from an Amazon.com smear campaign).
| “ | Hi everyone, this is your Supreme Premier Chris Corny in another session of some very serious discussion with you fans on this new DRM issue. I *laughs* am surprise by all the hate mail and spam in my email. Fine. Today, I have good news to please you fanboys! After carefully plotting and planning, Electronic Arts has finally been approved to allow increase from 3 limits to 5! That should make you guys uber happy, shouldn't it? Cheers! Beer is on me. Where's my playmate Jenny McCarthy? There you are, darling! *smooch* | ” |
Though the new rules have eased up a little, smart fans are still unhappy and the majority are not gullible enough to fall for the trick. The new rules are nothing but merely asking a suicide man not to jump off the rooftop of the Empire State building, and advising him to jump from the rooftop of the Leaning Tower of Pisa instead.
In essence, the DRM in Read Alert 3 will boiled down to the following:
- kameronk gets mad at dreamwind because he keeps getting owned so he smashes everyone's disks.
- The Disc Drive of the computer may run the disc up to five times before the the activation will fail, and a customer support call will be required to play the disc in the next 24 hours, or the disc will self destruct;
- After watching the disc and traveling back to the past in any time-traveling methods to un-watch, Read Alert 3 will NOT restore the activation count;
- If the disc still does not work, see "Compatibility Issues" below.
Compatibility Issues[edit]
Despite obvious reasons, EA still prefer using Microsoft Windows-based PCs; the product has been causing various unexplainable forms of incompatibility issues such as crashes, seeing in-game videos of men stripping instead of women stripping, seeing Rick Roll videos instead of Read Alert 3 clips, and the notorious Red Screen of Death with a Communist song played in the background.
Red Screen of Death[edit]
The Red Screen of Death is a new customizable Read Alert 3 theme for Microsoft's blue screen of death. When the product fails to function properly due to corrupted issues and other various unforeseen reasons, the screen will turn bright red with a Communist song playing non-stop in the background. Many users complained and demand a refund, and even formed a small protest outside the Electronic Arts building.
On the 1st Nov 2008, a spokesman made an announcement in regard to the issue:
| “ | Good evening, everyone. Electronic Arts has been working on a joint assignment with Microsoft, and it was solely Microsoft's decision to implement the "Red Screen of Death", because such problem will occur if you own either a pirated copy of either Read Alert 3 or a pirated copy of Windows Operating System. So the only way to remedy this situation is to purchase genuine products. | ” |
The announcement nevertheless failed to please the protesters. Many of the unhappy protesters denied owning any form of pirated Windows or the game. One was screaming and throwing rocks at the gates:
| “ | Motha****er! I own a genuine copy of the ****ing Read Alert 3 and my Windows is genuine ***ing Vista! How come it doesn't ****ing work? What do you mean I am a pirate? **** you! **** you all! Filthy son of a *****!!! Money back now!!! | ” |
Invalid Serial Numbers[edit]
During manufacturing of the packages, EA sent down a directive to speed up the process, or would have risked getting fired. As a result of a frantic chaos among the factory workers, they sped up the work, mixing up incorrect serial keys with other Electronic Arts products, such as Spore and Need For Speed. The frenzy ultimately caused unhappiness when customers found out that they could not install the legitimate product with a legitimate invalid serial key.
Electronic Arts responded a month after the issue, stating that:
| “ | We, on behalf of Electronic Arts, are terribly sorry for the unforeseen circumstances. Since you are holding onto a serial key belonging to one of our products, there is nothing much we can do. However, you can buy the other EA product and hope that serial key from that product has a Read Alert 3 serial key; if not, no worries--you can try getting another EA product and hope for a genuine Read Alert 3 serial key. Keep buying; this will increase the chances of getting Read Alert 3 serial keys. | ” |
<insert name here> stole his friend's CD which does not come with the install key at all. What can <insert name here> do?
| “ | Since you have the first 0 characters of the code already, you can basically try 'guessing' the last 20 characters. To do this, simply try the letters A-Z, and then the numbers 0-9, over and over again. You should eventually get the right combination, and be able to play the game. | ” |
Electronic Arts definitely live up to their motto: Challenge Everything!
Citations[edit]
- ↑ Not to mention the new Red Screen of Death, a new customizable theme for Microsoft's Blue Screen of Death.
- ↑ The third faction was derived from Japan's influential modern "AV videos" and Hentai anime.
- ↑ Ignoring the traditional cross between Marvel’s comic rip-off idea of “what if…” alternate storylines and a parody of "time travel" films.
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