Cheetahpult
“Flying cheetahs are a true threat to humanity and must be dealt with...soon”
“Cheetahs killed my army and took all my fuckin' nazi gold”
“Yar! I got no clue what be goin' on”
“I approve of flying cheetahs and all the mormons they kill”
“Dude...I am so high”
The cheetahpult is a device that is designed to launch cheetahs, the second fastest (The fastest being the Mexican) but most deadly land animal, extreme distances and over barriers. It was thought to be conceived when it was found that cats always land on their feet. Natural progression of this fact lead to loading the cheetah onto a catapult and launch it over city walls to quickly and viciously obliterate their targets. The actual launching mechanism though has evolved over the years, or rather it would have if evolution wasn't a myth.
History Of Use[edit]
First used by the Zulu to ward off the attacking Australian Pygmy's that wanted a new non-Australian homeland. The Cheetah was effectively launched epic distances of up to 400km where the unsuspecting pygmy boats were. The cheetahs, using the element of
surprise boarded the boats and proceed to devour and according to most sources, sexually assault the crew. However, once the cheetahs had killed the crew they took the boats and sailed off to the promise land of Norway. It's there that cheetah blood mixed with Viking; creating the fastest human known to have ever existed who wasn't Mexican.
After the battle it became a staple tactic of most African armies. Then the idea was stolen by Alexandberg The Jew to attack the Nazi Warlords, Communists, Sith Lords, disorganized Italians, and all those dirty fuckin' Swedes. This was always a favorite tactic of Alexandberg up until is death in 2057 after taking over most of the Earth and parts of Neptune.
Other important accomplishments have been helping some select gods (Odin, Allah) from being destroyed in the great God wars of 1588. The cheetahs were used to maim blasphemers and smite mormons. After initially being launched over the battle field and mistakedly killing 5 dozen children thinking they were the enemy. The Cheetahs regained their bearings and ran back into battle and killed everyone. Unfortunatley Ganesh was killed when the Mormons broke the lines earlier in the battle. No one has told the Indian people yet. For their heroics the cheetahs have always had a place at the side of Odin.
How Cheetahs Were Obtained[edit]
Cheetahs, being from Africa, love to prey on African children because they are plentiful and slow, due to undernourishment. Armies would often take advantage of this by using live bait traps to obtain cheetahs, the most common and effective trap being holes in the ground covered with leaves. It was not uncommon for the bait to fall into the hole with the cheetah. Over trapping has led to a decrease in numbers in their homeland of Norway. However, they really aren't endangered, they have just all been moved from where we are looking for them. There has also been speculation of cheetah breeders supplying the black market with a type of "Super Cheetah".
Sub-Breeds and their use[edit]
Force Sensitive Cheetah The Force sensitive Cheetah was first seen during the Sullustan - Jedi war. The Cheetahs were catapulted into areas where Jedi where present. Then they would have a light saber duel with the master/knight/padawan. Because of their super speed, the cheetah usually prevailed. They then urinated on the corpse and, strangely, devoured the Jedi's body, thus inheriting his opponent's powers. The Jedi Cheetah became power hungry, and they then established a Galactic Empire, and developed a fleet of "Cheetah Stars" (much similar to a run-of-the-mill Death Star, but much more boner inspiring and at least three times more bad-ass) until they became too reckless with their powers and everyone died.
Drug Sniffing Cheetahs You may think they are utilized by the police. Well that assumption would be wrong you fuckin' dumbass. In cheetah culture, the ones who suffer from substance addiction abuse their ability of being shot long distances by being loaded into haphazardly made catapults (usually constructed of hobos and hypodermic needles) and have themselves launched into evidence lockers, dealer stashes and cocaine fields. The resulting drug trip in most cases leads to a mass slaughter, the appearance of which is akin to the efects of a hummingbird ecently having suffered a massive anurism due to overdosing on methanphetamines.
Aqua-Cheetah Thought to be the modern version of a mermaid, the Aqua-Cheetah is suspected to have caused more deaths than the Mexicans, the CIA and Poseidon; God of the Sea, combined. The Aqua-Cheetah with it's webbed paws and diving gear is capable of destroying anything in the water. New evidence uncovered by Bill Nye (renowned "Science Guy") links the Aqua-Cheetah to the destruction of Atlantis and the sinking of the Titanic. As fucked up as this sounds, with the advent of air travel no one really has to go into the ocean so the Aqua-Cheetah is becoming less of a threat, unless you're a whale or Mexican.
Subterranean Cheetah Born with shovel hands instead of front paws, this cheetah was used in unison with the regular cheetah. The Subterranean (or "Sub-Cheetah") would dig under the walls, while the regular would be shot over. This double attack proved successful on the cities of Troy, Jericho and Reykjavik. Dr. Phil has noted that
| “ | Those fuckin cheetahs under the ground are scary shit, like those Tremor mothafuckas except faster and these bitches actually have eyes and legs and shit. So we're motherfucked no matter where we go. Get real. | ” |
Flying Cheetah
This sub-breed occurred when a regular cheetah masturbated into the same ooze that made the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles awesome. The result was a cheetah that had fully developed wings and no longer needed the catapult to become and remain airborne. Swarms of these Cheetahs have been seen flying around Eastern Europe, devouring devote Nazis and helping keep the economy shitty.
Super Cheetah Although there is difficulty distinguishing genuine information from mere speculation, the following is known. The Super Cheetah was created through use of witchcraft and blood sacrifices. As such they are endowed with speed and ferocity greater than that of any natural born cheetah. The Super Cheetah sustains its dark power through the collected malice of the blood of virgins, baby tears, and hooker panties. As previously stated, it is unknown who created this cheetah breed, or why, but the matter is being researched extensively by many of the world's leading scientists, namely Bill Nye, Batman, and Pope Benedict XVI. It should also be noted that this cheetah is also known as the "Bad-Ass Mother 4000" and is known to be twice as fast as your ass.
Mating Habits[edit]
Cheetahs do it however they can get it. Being able to reproduce both sexually and asexually they can never be stopped. Rape is fast but painful because they're just so damn thorough. (The penis of the male cheetah can grow to a length of up to 60 mph) Basically don't ever consent to a cheetah. Unless you are a female cheetah, because cheetetes (female cheetahs) have a voracious sexual appetite and enjoy being forked by everything and anything...at once. When a cheetah becomes pregnant is gives birth to 36 "cublets" then chooses the best 3 and eats the rest or sacrifices them to the all powerful Oscar Wilde.
Recent Use[edit]
World War II[edit]
Cheetahpult was used during the "Anti-Nazi War" to launch cheetahs
over the Berlin Wall and attack Nazis, steal their gold then return the gold back to the allies, so we could all be as rich as Nazis.
German Sheppard's never stood a chance against the fury and intelligence (again second only to a Mexican) of the cheetah. Or Rabbis that were launched over by mistake. It is still unknown as to what caused the mistake that forced the death of several hundred Rabbi's. Some attribute the mix up to the similar appearance between a cheetah and a Rabbi.
Vietnam Service[edit]
The Cheetah was also used in Vietnam as a long range scout. The Americans would launch the Cheetahs from a forward observing post and have them report any "little china-like-men" movement in the front lines. However, using the cheetah became a war crime after several cheetahs escaped and killed 78 Vietnamese children, burned their village, buried them face down then defecated on the graves. The cheetahs, rather then face court martial escaped into the woods and are now openly roaming Asia and have now claimed Turkmenistan as the new "Republic of Cheetahstan"
Famous Cheetahs[edit]
Pissicles The lesser-known Son of God, Pissicles was drafted into the Spartan army where he was used in the defense of thermoplyae and spited a total of 12,000 Persians and their families. He survived the battle and became a mercenary where he then contracted his skill at being launched from a catapult to help kill various people with beliefs that differed from his boss. His boss, a devote atheist, had a particular hate for Mormons (for whatever reason)...
Artemis Fagous Lead the million-cheetah flight of the 1600's. He also freed all cheetahs and the Dutch from Chinese captivity. He was catapulted over the Great Wall in 1609, where he then devoured as many of "them little bastards" as possible before succumbing to the effects of all the opium. He woke up in an opium den and they were about to start harvesting his "man parts" for herbal medicine. Artemis then flipped out and gouged all their eyes out and tortured them until they told him where the cheetahs were. So he freed them all and saw some pathetic Dutch people dying in cells nearby. So he released them on the condition that they open amazing bakeries and be very 'lax on opium and promiscuous sex.
Hitler Nazi leader Hitler was in fact, a cheetah. Historians have tried to dispute this fact, but famous historian Dr. Dre (degree in toxicology and ancient history as well as bein' one bad-ass mothafucka) was quoted as saying.
| “ | Theres no substantiated proof that Hitler wasn't a cheetah. He probably fuckin' catapulted over his troops to maximize efficiency of inspections, cuz' them Germanian bitch-ho's are fuckin' amazing at efficiency n' shit. | ” |
So the only conclusion is that Hitler was a cheetah.
Eric the violator Became a hero to the Vikings after being launched from Denmark and landing in Scotland. After he landed in Scotland he then scalped all the Scottish and made a new coat out of their thick red hair. His destruction of the native forces allowed his Viking comrades a chance to dock their ships and pillage the villages and then have their way with the locals...men and women. He was then launched over the wall dividing Scotland and England where he vomited in every meat pie and killed every chap and bloke that stood in his path until all were dead.
Roberto Cheetaheimer Helped develop, test, and taste the first atomic bombs. His expertise in flying and falling lead to his knowledge being used on making the atomic bomb delivery much more effective. Testing was initiated when Roberto was launched holding the bomb and was supposed to drop it 45 seconds mid flight. Rather, his paws bonded to the bomb (unknown substance) and he flew to Chicago where he finally let go of the bomb and burned down the city.
Where are the cheetahs now?[edit]
Most recently there have been wild packs attacking metropolitan areas in India and Turkmenistan. This is odd because cheetahs are not a pack animal. While commenting on the issue Bill Nye said, "Fuckin' cheetah ate my leg! This problem has to be dealt with, with all due speed.”
These newly formed packs have created a problem more deadly then a submarine full of killer bees. The super speedy packs have been found to be more destructive then a swarm of flesh eating locust. Using their ancient skills of sailing, no land has been left untouched. Space travel has also been rumoured to have been achieved recently.
The Evolution Of The Cheetahpult[edit]
While it originally started as a regular catapult due to modern technology some countries are developing devices to carry the cheetahs further and faster. One such weapon that is already being produced is the ICBCM (Intercontinental Ballistic Cheetah Missile), however scientists such as Bill Nye are having trouble keeping the cheetah alive during the flight. Only the skeletons arrive at the target zone, while bits of flesh litter the countryside. These failures have created a sub market of scavengers of the free bits of meat for producers such as Taco Bell and Cheetah hut.
Cheetahpulting As A Sport[edit]
The recreational cheetahpult has been around for some time, however it remains an underground sport, much like underground golf and underground curling. The objective of tournament cheetahpulting is to launch your cheetah onto a target. With each round the target gets smaller and smaller. The losers of these tournaments are often eaten, but not by the cheetahs.
Cheetah skeet shooting has also been gaining popularity recently. The Cheetah is propelled into the air (via catapult) and is then targeted by a marksman with a shotgun. Face shots are worth 1000 points, body shots 500, tail is 2000 and everything else is -40 points. The winner gets to mount the cheetah skull on their front door to ward off the spirits of witches and the like. The rest of the parts are used as aphrodisiacs to sexually inferior people(chinese).
How The Cheetah Obtained Their God-like Powers[edit]
Upon catapulting themselves into the heavens, a small army of elite Cheetahs, known as Super-Happy-Cheetah-Fun-Kill-Squad or SHCFKS for short, once flying into the heavens and storming the gates, easily killing Saint Peter and taking his Nazi gold. The Cheetahs are said to have confronted the greatest of the gods, Buddha, Zeus, Napoleon and most frightening of all Steven Seagull. Buddha, being far too obese and way too much of an enlightened pussy to fight back was easily decapitated by the Cheetahs razor-sharp claws.
However the second tier gods, Zeus and Napoleon put up much more of a fight, managing to kill a single Cheetah, setting a new record for the most cheetahs ever killed; it's a record that stands today. Finally realizing there was no escape Steven Seagull surrendered. The cheetahs deciding to grant him mercy killed him before "allegedly" sexually assaulting the fallen king of the Gods.
The SHCFKS now rule from heaven and wield lightning in a much more spiteful and wasteful way then Zeus did even after a night in Tijuana.
The Future of the Cheetah[edit]
With progress being made in the field of cyborg parts, rocket boosters and space exploration. It’s predicted that the cheetah will become some form of cyborg space pirate. Launching from ship to ship, devouring and (allegedly) sexually assaulting the crews. The cheetahs will utilize catapults on spacecraft to launch faster then the sound of light until all planets have sucumb to cheetah authority. It's only a matter of time before the Cheetah and their evolutionary catapulting skills lead them to a pinnacle even greater then the most manly god Odin and his half brother God