UnScripts:Drawn Together
  Warning: The following text might contain spoilers. This makes the article more aerodynamic, and thus more maneuverable at high speeds. Take caution and carry a first-aid kit at all times if you don't know that Lord Asriel and Mrs. Coulter defeat the archangel together so that Lyra and Will can save the world, Number Six escapes from The Village, Mister Glass was the mad bomber to begin with, the alien scum was distracting Duke Nukem all along while their real invasion force was moving in on Earth, Jesus comes back to life after three days, Dr. Strangelove can actually walk (and everybody dies), Prufrock isn't Prince Hamlet, Austin Powers and Dr. Evil are brothers, Santa doesn't exist,and Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!! |
WOOLDOOR: For a record, FCC stands for {mouth pixelated} "[beep] [beep] [beep]".
EXT. DRAWN TOGETHER HOUSE - PAN IN - DAY.
INT. DRAWN TOGETHER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM.
JEW PRODUCER: {v.o., through speaker} Housemates, your challenge for today is to write an Uncyclopedia article on Drawn Together. The reward is to be announced.
HOUSEMATES: Yay!
Xandir, sitting on the floor with a stack of sheets of paper and a pencil, looks at the title page, which says "Drawn Together - For Encyclopedia Dramatica - Definitely Not Written by an Emo Homosexual, and feeds the entire stack into the paper shredder.
JEW PRODUCER: And to get it featured!
The cheers fade, and the housemates' faces immediately express concern. Toot picks up Ling-Ling from the floor and throws him at the speaker, destroying it. This does not, however, alter the others' moods significantly.
CAPTAIN HERO: {walking in circles, enraged} Featured articles? I heard they have to be funny and not just {points at Toot} stupid or {points at Wooldoor} random! It requires using my brains! Using brains is not for superheroes, it's for sissies! Like context!
SPANKY: Do you guys want to hear what I think about the Uncyclopedia featuring process? {crouches}
ALL: NO!!!
INT. CONFESSIONAL.
CAPTAIN HERO: And during these most pointless sixty seconds in my life, when the others were just listening to the too familiar sound, I came with a master plan of saving the day. Yeah, that's right. I totally came with it.
INT. LIVING ROOM.
CAPTAIN HERO: Why don't we just bribe the admins?
A brief silence follows. Everyone pulls out their pockets (except Foxxy, who searches the inside of her cap and tail instead, and Ling-Ling, who doesn't have any pockets to begin with). Almost to no avail, except for a single coin that falls out of Wooldoor's anus. Xandir immediately picks it up, and "+10c" flashes above his head.
SPANKY: I'll tell you what, that's going nowhere!
FOXXY: How about this? {undresses, somehow retaining the tail}
CLARA: That isn't going to work either, Foxxy. Think of it, two of the admins are female! They will certainly resist this method of persuasion!
INT. CONFESSIONAL.
CLARA: Or maybe three?
The right side of the screen shows a computer monitor. The header "People for whom Uncyclopedia is a personal playground" appears at the top of the screen. The following can be seen on the monitor:
- 5. Carlb (sysop)
- 6. Chronarion (bureaucrat, sysop)
- 7. Clara (princess)
- 8. Codeine (sysop)
INT. LIVING ROOM.
FOXXY: {already wearing her usual clothes again} Things like that never stop Foxxy Love, as you could see for yourself! {Clara is horrified.} The admins will be at our side - one way or another!
She leaves, closing the door so violently that...
EXT. DRAWN TOGETHER HOUSE.
...causes birds to flee from the roof (again)...
INT. LIVING ROOM.
...and causes the door to rotate violently. Captain Hero rushes to the door and through it, coming back in his Tim Tommerson disguise. He appears before Xandir, they talk about something and kiss (with the door still rotating), then Tim runs through the door again and comes back as Captain Hero - just as the door stops rotating and falls on him.
XANDIR: {holding Foxxy's tambourine} Hey, she forgot to take this +2 Diplomacy charm!
{opening sequence, corresponding music}
EXT. DRAWN TOGETHER HOUSE - PAN IN - DAY.
INT. CONFESSIONAL.
CLARA: So, while Foxxy went to enlist the admins' support, the rest of us was trying to write an Uncyclopedia article about ourselves. {sighs} If only it was as easy as it sounded...
INT. DRAWN TOGETHER HOUSE - ATTIC - DAY.
The housemates are standing by a wall, facing Wooldoor, who is wearing a square academic cap and an UOTM badge. He is pointing at a placard that depicts the "Uncyclopedia for Dummies" cover, except that the word "dummies" is replaced with "Drawn Together housemates" and the black-and-white man with big eyes is replaced with Toot.
WOOLDOOR: So, what are the main ingredients of success when it comes to writing Uncyclopedia articles?
CLARA: Patience?
CAPTAIN HERO: Confidence?
LING-LING: Talget audience?
SPANKY: Toilet humor?
XANDIR: {huffing and throwing away a kitten} Calling your friend a gay?
WOOLDOOR: Some of these are good examples. However, the right answer is "execution". {temporarily cut to Spanky preparing to behead Toot on a guillotine} As you can see {flips the page to reveal AAAAAAAAA!}. execution alone can save even an article that lacks one hundred four letters of the alphabet.
CAPTAIN HERO: Out of how many?
WOOLDOOR: {flips the page to reveal an image of a PC keyboard} One hundred five, of course! But not the point.
INT. CONFESSIONAL.
CLARA: All seemed clear and set, but the difficulties arose just as we were discussing the lead quote, which, as Wooldoor said, any Uncyclopedia article should have.
The screen flashes, and Clara is replaced on the confessional chair by a piece of paper with a graphical chemical formula (actually that of codeine). The name overlay says: "Formula of Codeine - Paper Participant".
VOICE: Unless you want your article to get huffed! {an orange kitten flies from the right side of the screen and becomes wrapped in the paper}
INT. DRAWN TOGETHER HOUSE - ATTIC - DAY.
SPANKY: How about this one: "In Soviet Russia, together draws YOU!!"
The camera pans out to reveal a guy in glasses and denims, with the red Soviet flag and the word "TOGETHER" on his back, who may or may not be a reference to one of the admins, drawing Spanky on an easel.
GUY IN GLASSES: Not funny, you prejudiced Internet pig.
INT. CONFESSIONAL.
CLARA: So the housemates decided to do something terribly disgusting...
INT. ATTIC - WINDOWS CLOSED.
Pan in to Captain Hero and Toot sitting near a Jewish star drawn on the floor, chanting something.
INT. CONFESSIONAL.
LING-LING: Ling-Ling not get Middre Eastern lituars, so he just wait for literary genius to appeal.
INT. ATTIC - WINDOWS CLOSED.
Paranormal chanting is beginning to be heard. The ritual is interrupted, however, when an angry Clara throws a cross on the floor, which lands on the Jewish star.
TOOT: Hey - you ruined our only chance of starting the article!
WOOLDOOR: Not at all. Look!
All three look at the corner of the room, where the ghostly Oscar Wilde is making out with Xandir.
SPANKY: Ah-ha, the quote expert! Quick, say something witty!
A "dun dun dun" sound is heard, and the camera flashes between the faces of everyone present.
GHOSTLY OSCAR WILDE: This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
CLARA: Hey, wasn't that a complete {browses a dictionary book} non-sequitur?
WOOLDOOR: Just like all of Drawn Together!
INT. CONFESSIONAL.
WOOLDOOR: Besides, it was a real quote, not one of those made-up ones.
FLASH.
EXT. WILDERNESS - DAY.
Foxxy walks through what looks to be a desert...
FOXXY: {v. o.} Thank God I was in the other story! Yet something didn't seem right - as if all mystery-solving musicians were fated to run into mysteries on their every step...
Just as she finishes this phrase, she slams her head into a door, and the camera pans slightly out to reveal a straight wall of concrete, covered with barbed wire.
FOXXY: Knock-knock.
FEMALE VOICE: Who's there?
FOXXY: Foxxy.
FEMALE VOICE: Foxxy who?
FOXXY: Foxxy Love!
FEMALE VOICE: Love? I need no love! Especially of the foxy kind. I'm busy, go away!
The camera pans out a little more to reveal a man, who's constantly urinating on the wall, approaching Foxxy. A bidirectional sign can now be seen above the wall; the left half says "FREENODE", the right half (corresponding to the side Foxxy is at) says "NERD-FREE".
URINATING MAN: Never mind her, she's on a neverending quest to save her boyfriend.
FOXXY: Do you mean this is actually... {points at the door} a closet?
The camera changes perspective, showing that it is, indeed, a closet. Foxxy takes a cellphone from behind her back (where exactly from is implied by the imagery, but not enforced) and calls. The screen, as usual, is split in two, with Xandir in the other half.
FOXXY: Xandir, did you sell the closet?
XANDIR: No, Toot did - for food. But I figured, I don't need it anymore, do I?
FOXXY: {hangs up, turns to the urinating man} Now, who the hell are you?
URINATING MAN: I'm Peer. I reset connections.
FOXXY: What connections?
Peer, instead of answering, sights a random passer-by, draws a red pill out of his pocket, rushes to the random passer-by and feeds him the pill.
PEER: Eat the pill! EAT THE PILL!!!
The random passer-by disappears in a flash of green code.
EXT. OUTSIDE THE MATRIX.
The random passer-by awakens in his Matrix pod. The camera pans out, showing both Foxxy and Peer sleeping in pods right beside him.
EXT. FREENODE BORDER - DAY.
FOXXY: Just show Foxxy the entrance, or she'll stun you her jingle frisbee! {looks around} Wait - where is the jingle frisbee?
PEER: The only entrance, my Ms. Love, lies through the Lilo Memorial Foundation, and they aren't going to let you in after that tragic accident!
EXT. ROAD - CRASH SITE - NIGHT [FLASHBACK].
The Foxxy 5 van is stopped, after having crashed into an aging man riding a bicycle. The man is lying right there, dead, with X's where his eyes would be, being stomped on by a naked Foxxy "wearing" a snake (see the clip in "Captain Hero's Marriage Pact", where the song appears).
FOXXY: {singing}
- Splattered cross the hood, bloody guts and pain! (Squishy squishy, my oh my!)
- Compound fracture, punctured lung, bashed in brains! (Crashy smashy die die die!)
- {fading out} Crunchy cracky smacky wacky - all that's left....
As she sings, she notices a remote control device with a button held in the man's hand, and presses the button. A nuclear explosion cloud appears on the horizon as the song fades out.
EXT. FREENODE BORDER - DAY.
FOXXY: All right, then Foxxy's gonna do it the hard way! {puts on sunglasses, starts walking away} I'll be back.
FLASH.
EXT. DRAWN TOGETHER HOUSE - PAN IN - DAY.
INT. CONFESSIONAL.
CLARA: When writing the introduction, we decided to write one version of the section each and glue them together. Unfortunately, what we've ended up with was a verbatim copy of the Writer's Block article.
INT. DRAWN TOGETHER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM.
CAPTAIN HERO: {sitting with a blank piece of paper} Drawn Together is... uhm, it's... {throws the piece of paper into the overloaded trash bin, starts anew} I got nothing... {writing} Note: check other TV shows for ideas on how to introduce ourselves. {flies through the roof}
SPANKY: {sitting in the toilet} Drawn Together is a disease that causes Entertainment Weekly critics to get constipated... {sends his piece of paper into the trash too} No, that's too obvious, let's try and go more random with it.
CLARA: The Drawn Together Act of 2004 was a bill by the Senate that decreed all reality show participants who were drawn together will... {stops writing} Hmm? Will what? Convert to Catholicism? Paint their skin white?
A squad of typical Drawn Together policemen burst in.
POLICEMAN: Freeze! Suck police! {picks up Clara's piece of paper} Did you write this, uh, Your Highness?
CLARA: {arrogant} Why, yes I did!
POLICEMAN: Well, it sucks, you're going to jail! {puts handcuffs on her}
CLARA: Oh no!
INT. CONFESSIONAL.
WOOLDOOR: After that, it was my duty to save the day. So I took them to the place they really belonged to...
EXT. POOL - DAY.
The housemates (including Clara) are all standing on water skis, tied to a motorboat controlled by Wooldoor with a remote control device.
WOOLDOOR: The shark pool!
The motorboat accelerates, a shark appears out of the water, and they jump over it.
INT. CONFESSIONAL.
WOOLDOOR: Because only those shows that are already past their prime are notable enough for Uncyclopedia.
STEPHEN COLBERT: {appears from, surprise surprise, the right side of the screen} Indeed!
Coming up on Comedy Central:
COMMERCIALS WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT THEM!!!
On today's The Colbert Report: Drawn Together - funny cartoon or Jewish-Asian conspiracy?
FLASH.
The camera pans through a typical fantasy land, similar to the opening sequences in World of Warcraft. A superimposed, translucent image of Xandir appears.
XANDIR: Then I suggested traveling to the forsaken lands of RuneScape to get a +5 Creativity Ring. But the path there was dangerous, starting in the kingdom where the Legend of Xandir took place...
EXT. 2D VIDEO GAME.
All the housemates, in the form of crude 2D video game characters, travel through the environment of a stereotypical arcade game. Xandir is fighting monsters with his sword and Ling-Ling with energy balls, constantly dying and respawning.
INT. CONFESSIONAL.
WOOLDOOR: And don't even remind me of the horrors of Zork!
INT. DUNGEON.
Wooldoor and Toot are standing there with candles. A pair of eyes stare at him from the darkness.
XANDIR: {v. o.} You are in a nondescript room of nondescript size. Exits are to the north, south, and west. Oh, and there's a grue over there in the corner.
WOOLDOOR: Examine grue!
XANDIR: {v. o.} Man, you've never played this game before, have you? The grue devours you before you have a chance to scream.
As he is saying this, the pair of eyes approaches Wooldoor, revealing what looks exactly like Domokun. The monster opens his mouth in a surreal manner and devours Wooldoor.
TOOT: Eat grue! {eats the monster}
XANDIR: {v. o.} You succeed in eating the grue! Amazing! Moments later, however, you are eaten by a packed lunch.
INT. CONFESSIONAL.
XANDIR: We went through the boring country only known as Romania, in the aftermath of the Vandal invasion...
EXT. WHITE SPACE.
The housemates, wearing Romanian national dresses (except for Ling-Ling, obviously), are walking through a completely blank white screen, similar to the Construct program seen in The Matrix. Wooldoor, carrying a cellphone, stops and phones someone.
WOOLDOOR: Tank, we need epics. Lots of epics.
Two rows of what appears to be cabinets stacked with medieval armor and weapons run through the screen, obscuring the housemates for a moment. When the rows pass away, the housemates are seen wearing glowing armor or robes (with words like "ep1c", "uber", "1337" and the like) and wielding glowing weapons. Clara and Wooldoor have staves, with Clara dressed like a sorceress and Wooldoor in his usual priest robe, the rest have swords resembling Xandir's.
INT. CONFESSIONAL.
XANDIR: Then, we found ourselves stuck under some kind of a mountain, exactly halfway between the only two cities in World of Warcraft someone still cares about.
TOOT: All because that [beep] Captain Hero is afraid of flying!
CAPTAIN HERO: {shaking} And s-s-subways!
INT. DUNGEON.
The housemates are sitting in front of a door (except Captain Hero, who is sleeping). The camera follows Xandir from behind the back, as in WoW, portraits and other pieces of HUD can be seen.
The following is displayed above the housemates' heads: "Homo" for Xandir, "Fatty" for Toot, "Hitlerina" for Clara, "Dirty" for Spanky, "Weirdo" for Wooldoor, "Missingno" for Ling-Ling, and "Heroy" for Captain Hero.
Toot rolls a die.
XANDIR: Toot, your roll is 17 against DC 15. You have succeeded in opening the door. {cuts the door with his sword} Now make a roll to determine if you'll fit in it.
WOOLDOOR: {in his academic hat} ...and if my calculations are correct, if Clara sheeps in time and I have enough mana to PWF her and heal the others, we have a 38% chance of survival.
Clara yawns.
LING-LING: This game more boring then Pokémon Pen-and-Papel Edition.
CAPTAIN HERO: {wakes up} Okay guys, I'm rested, let's do it! {runs in} CAAAPTAAAIN HEEEEEROOOOO!!!!
ALL: Holy [beep]!
Xandir runs in (with the camera still following him). He sees Captain Hero surrounded by a bunch of chickens, who cluck angrily.
XANDIR: Oh no! These are Lord Slashstab's Chickens of Death!
INT. CONFESSIONAL.
XANDIR: He used them to hunt my girlfriend - while I was still on a neverending quest to save her, if you get me.
INT. DUNGEON.
CAPTAIN HERO: Save yourselves! {flies away}
All the housemates except Clara shake in horror. Clara, with an evil grin of her face, casts a fireball, which fries the chickens, turning them into... that's right, fried chickens.
XANDIR: Ah. {approaches the dead chickens} This one's got loot: {cuts one chicken with his sword and takes out a huge decorated club, which is obviously way too large to fit inside the chicken} Banstick of Dispute Evasion +7!
INT. CONFESSIONAL.
SPANKY: I guess one of the admins was less lucky than us!
EXT. MEDIEVAL TOWN - DAY.
3D "isometric" view, as in RuneScape. Besides the housemates, one can see townsfolk and guards, who seem to pay no attention despite the housemates' highly unusual outfits (which have been changed back to their regular ones).
XANDIR: {v. o.} Finally we were there - RuneScape! Now we could just pick the artifact that would allow us to write a feature-worthy article in five seconds! But our delight was short-lived...
UNIDENTIFIED VOICE: Oh, not again! The Vandals!!!
A gang of barbarians roam through the town, appearing from the upper-right corner, leaving white emptiness behind. As they run away from view, the housemates find themselves standing in a blank room resembling "Romania".
CAPTAIN HERO: {to Xandir} Do you have a plan B?
FLASH.
EXT. FREENODE BORDER - DAY.
Foxxy, dressed as Sarah Connor during "Operation Cyberdyne" and wielding a sniper rifle, lies in wait for a little, then enters the Foxxy 5 van and accelerates...
The van slams the wall, driving through rooms with people peacefully talking (and crashing through walls in the process). Among the people she runs over are: Richard M. Stallman (preaching with a picture of a gnu in his hand), Jimbo Wales and Angela Beesley making out, and a penguin cosplay party.
Finally, the badly damaged van stops halfway through a wall, with its front half being in a room with Uncyclopedia potato logos on walls.
INT. UNCYCLOPEDIA CHATROOM.
Change to 2D isometric view, as in the original Sims. The roof is not shown, and the nearby rooms are also visible (with their inhabitants mostly dancing and kissing). In the Uncyclopedia room, several people come to inspect the crash, including a Terminator look-alike (with a shotgun) and Sannse, who emerges out of the closet (literally).
Foxxy steps out of the van (still in the Sarah Connor outfit), with the Sims control gem above her head. "+$500" flashes above her head (but below the gem), a HUD panel briefly appears and disappears. She spins, which reverts her outfit back to the few pieces of clothing she does wear.
Change to normal view.
MONEYSIGN: {a superhero-looking guy with "$" on his shirt} How did that evolve, anyway, Sannse?
FOXXY: Who is Sannse?
MONEYSIGN: The woman between RudyValencia and Sikon.
Foxxy looks...
GNEOMI: But homosexual is not as significant as gay.
SANNSE: Quite.
SIKON: What's the difference?
GNEOMI: "You gay!" - compare - "You homosexual!"
MONEYSIGN: Homosexual is the scientific term... Whilst "gay" is just cuddly and cute word for all to abuse!
GNEOMI: So I reckon "gay" is better!
SANNSE: {to MoneySign} How did what evolve? Lesbian?
INT. CONFESSIONAL.
FOXXY: After, like, five minutes of this sweet chit-chat, I realized that I totally belonged here - feeling just like in the good, old Drawn Together house, among my good, old housemates!
INT. UNCYCLOPEDIA CHATROOM.
Flashes of people talking, Foxxy among them...
GREASEMONKEY: It's not "gay". the homos stole the word "gay". "Gay" means happy. "Poofter" means homosexual.
GNEOMI: Oh, I didn't know that. How's the pic?
FOXXY: Gneomi, never watch South Park.
An unidentified speaker, apparently unable to speak, draws out a card with a single letter "Y" and waves it before Foxxy's eyes.
FOXXY: Because our show is better, that's your "why"!
GNEOMI: Your show?!
UNIDENTIFIED SPEAKER: What's "our" show?
INT. CONFESSIONAL.
FOXXY: Things were getting worse. How was I supposed to seduce people who didn't even know about Drawn Together?
INT. UNCYCLOPEDIA CHATROOM.
JETS: I need a leash to wear with my collar. It's for a party I'm going to with John.
SANNSE: What sort of party exactly... do you have to call him Master while there?
JETS: Er. The party is Vampires and Victims. I'm his, er... pet.
SANNSE: Heh, not a general BDSM event then...
FOXXY: BDSM? Where? Where?..
Sannse points at Jets. He and Foxxy stare at each other, with the latter touching her tail nervously.
JETS: We have a furry?
INT. CONFESSIONAL.
The confessional interior has been redesigned to that of a news program, complete with a desk with some papers the UnNews logo on the wall.
FOXXY: Furry?! That was the dumbest [beep] thing I've ever heard, and I've heard quite a lot of dumb [beep] things back in the [beep] Drawn Together house! So I decided to beat an apology out of that fella, or at least make him realize he was talkin' to a celebrity!
INT. UNCYCLOPEDIA CHATROOM.
Gneomi is holding a picture with a supposed color-blindness test depicting a naked woman.
YNNAD: Oh God... Oh God, it's awful...
CODESTREAM: I'm going to have to ask you to take it down. I'll call PETA. I'll call the RIAA, the FCC...
FOXXY: FCC? You don't call the FCC, or Foxxy will provide a TV-MA rating for this chatroom!
GNEOMI: I desperately want my pic featured!
FOXXY: Everyone desperately wants something featured. I, for one, want an article featured, when my housemates finish it!
JETS: Your name isn't Love, is it?
INT. REDECORATED CONFESSIONAL.
FOXXY: That was it! Okay guys, enough goofin' around. Tell me when we're ready to roll!
VOICE: We are rolling! You're on live!
FOXXY: Uh-oh... Sorry. {the "Foxxy Love: Mystery Solving Musician" label appears on the screen} This is UnNews Confessional Edition, with Foxxy Love! Today's breaking news:
EXT. FLOODED CITY - DAY.
Pan of what is supposed to be a post-Katrina New Orleans. The camera eventually focuses on Foxxy drowning in the filthy water and screaming and Clara walking past her, paying no attention.
FOXXY: {v. o.} Princess Clara doesn't care about black people! {text appears at the bottom of the screen}
INT. THRONE ROOM.
FOXXY: {v. o.} BENSON is proclaimed the undisputed ruler of Wikiland, his forum, Uncyclopedians' hearts...
INT. REDECORATED CONFESSIONAL.
FOXXY: ...and the space between my ears!!! You know, the fake ones.
INT. BENSON'S HALLOWED HALLS.
CLARA: What is this heathen place? They are worshipping a Negro!
NINTENDORULEZ: HOW DARE YOU SPEAK ILL OF THE GREAT BENSON!
OSIRISX UNCYCLON: BENSON IS FAR SUPERIOR TO YOU.
CLARA: Impossible! He is black!
SAVETHEMOOSES: THAT IS ONE OF THE QUALITIES THAT MAKES HIM GODLY.
CLARA: But...
NINTENDORULEZ: IF YOU ARE GOING TO BE HERE, YOU MUST ACCEPT THAT BENSON IS GREAT AND SPEAK IN ALL CAPS.
CLARA: But you sinners are heathens! Jesus will make you all burn in hell!
INSERATEHYMN: Which one?
CLARA: I do not get it.
INSERATEHYMN: There are nearly fifty Jesii!
CLARA: Impossible!
BENSON: ENOUGH BABBLE! YOU HAVE ANGERED THE GREAT BENSON! IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO PAY THE ULTIMATE PRICE! YOU ARE NOW AN OFFICIAL ENEMY OF BENSON, PUNY MONKEY WOMAN!
CLARA: Did you call a girl who is of a race and religion superior to you a puny monkey woman? How dare you!
BENSON: AH, BUT YOU SEE, BENSON IS BETTER THAN YOU. HE HAS THE AWESOME POWER OF ALL CAPS. THIS HEATHEN MUST BE DESTROYED!
CRAZYSWORDSMAN: I, HORSEMAN OF BENSON'S APOCOLYPSE, SHALL SLAY YOU IN THE NAME OF BENSON!
CLARA: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
EXT. HEAVEN.
Foxxy is standing on a cloud with a microphone.
FOXXY: And finally - God hates furries!
GOD: {frying her with lightning} I do, damnit!!!
FLASH.
EXT. DRAWN TOGETHER HOUSE - PAN IN.
INT. DRAWN TOGETHER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM.
Wooldoor is writing.
SPANKY: Let me see that! {Tears off part of the page when Wooldoor refuses to give away the rest.} List of people who hate Drawn Together. Check. Retards. Check. Racists. Redundant {strikes it away} - they're all retards.
CLARA: {burning a picture of Foxxy} What?!
SPANKY: Aspies. Check. The Jewish conservative pro-life born again overweight Asian (Indian) homophobic lesbian broad who cuts herself, also known as the Entertainment Weekly critic {a translucent image of her flashes}. Check. Steve Ballmer? Chuck Norris? Mr. T?! Oprah Winfrey?!!
WOOLDOOR: These have to be in. It's a tradition.
INT. THE OPRAH WINFREY SHOW.
Among Oprah's audience are Steve Ballmer, Chuck Norris and Mr. T.
OPRAH WINFREY: To everyone who will listen to me, please do not watch it because Drawn Together is the worst! None of its episodes are even funny after the first line. It's a total piece of junk. Junky junky junky junk. All of it!!
AUDIENCE: Yeah!!
STEVE BALLMER: Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! Developers! {subtitled as: "Your so-called reality show is terrible! How can you laugh at this? It sucks! It gives me a hadache! HATE HATE HAT!"}
CHUCK NORRIS: You guys suck. Your ideas about humor are lame. Who wrote all this? Some 12-year old on crack?
EW CRITIC: The whole atmosphere is just warped and twisted. Everyone is an asshole. Dont even get me started on those homo abuse scenes - this is just the sickest of the sick. What sadistic piece of shit came up with that?
INT. CLINIC FROM "ALZHEIMER'S THAT ENDS WELL".
ELDERLY PATIENTS: Alzheimer's Disease is no laughing matter!
SPLIT SCREEN - SHOWING THE FACES OF EVERYONE WHO HAS SPOKEN SO FAR.
ALL: {in unison} HATE HATE HAT!!!
INT. DRAWN TOGETHER HOUSE - DINING ROOM.
Everyone is eating, except Captain Hero, who is absent.
CAPTAIN HERO: {runs in with what looks like a wrapped board} Guys, guys! I found a picture we can use in the article! Bet no one has used this one before! {unwraps the board to reveal it's actually a picture of the Orange Kitten, drawn in the DT visual style}
The housemates vomit.
XANDIR: Uhm, Captain Hero... I hate to ask, but what does it have to do with Drawn Together?
CAPTAIN HERO: {upset} Nothing... I just found it funny. For no reason at all... {runs away crying}
INT. CLARA'S BEDROOM.
CLARA: {v. o.} I started looking for a good picture of myself. Me being so photogenic, I figured finding one would be a piece of cake!
Clara is sitting on the floor removing photos from a stack. We see, naturally, a compilation of the worst Clara pictures from the entirety of Drawn Together: with one eye closed, with both eyes closed, with a stupid face, scared, evil, wet (under rain), crying, etc etc. She dismisses each one with "no, no, no..."; finally, the last picture - those of her kissing Foxxy in the Hot Tub - remains.
CLARA: Sucks.
INT. CAPTAIN HERO'S BEDROOM.
CAPTAIN HERO: {holding three pictures shown from their backsides} I like these three, yeah! But how do I choose between them? Think, Captain Hero, think - if you can...
Switch to another angle, from behind his shoulder, to reveal the three pictures - those of Foxxy's bare buttocks and tail (from "Little Orphan Hero"), Ling-Ling making out with Ni-Pul (from "Clum Babies"), and Captain Hero himself in women's underwear (from the opening sequence).
INT. LIVING ROOM.
The housemates put one picture of their choice each on the table, with Clara putting two (for herself and the missing Foxxy) - however, it turns out that everyone has chosen a picture of themselves as seen in the opening sequence, so what they end up with, essentially, is the opening sequence.
SPANKY: Stop! Stop! Stop! We need a funny image. You know, one that isn't real, but is so witty and artistically perfect that nobody cares!
WOOLDOOR: You mean... like this one? {takes an image of himself and Live Action Cow, from "A Tale of Two Cows"} You won't possibly find a more perfectly edited one!
Wooldoor's picture gets quickly covered in vomit.
INT. CONFESSIONAL.
CAPTAIN HERO: So I suggested using Pee Review to get some ideas. That didn't work either.
EXT. FREENODE BORDER - DAY.
The housemates are being urinated at while Peer is writing at an astonishing speed in Wooldoor's notepad. Within seconds, he is out of paper.
INT. CONFESSIONAL.
PEER: {holding the notepad} Hey, what is this room for?
INT. DRAWN TOGETHER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM.
The housemates are all lying somewhere - on the floor, on the sofas, etc. - terribly upset. The room itself is full of used paper.
SPANKY: {v. o.} They completely rewrote the article and took out all the best jokes, even the one where I buried Ling-Ling in crap!
INT. BATHROOM.
LING-LING: {standing in the shower} Ling-Ling miss Foxxy and her day-saving time!
FLASH.
INT. UNCYCLOPEDIA CHATROOM.
GUIDO ARBIA: {a 15-year-old depressed boy with a cross on his neck} Who are the operators here? {Foxxy listens, interested} Mhaille {pronounced "Mkhail"}, Olipro I think... Who else? Sannse might be...
OLIPRO: No, I'm not.
GUIDO ARBIA: Oh. But who are the operators?
OLIPRO: It's secret.
FOXXY: Damn!
MHAILLE: We have special handshakes and everything.
GUIDO ARBIA: Is there a room for cursing? And foul-mouthing?
FOXXY: The confessional. {sticks out tongue}
GUIDO ARBIA: Really?
FOXXY: No.
INT. CONFESSIONAL.
GUIDO ARBIA: Hey! {looks around, gets teleported away}
INT. UNCYCLOPEDIA CHATROOM.
GUIDO ARBIA: Nobody's there.
FOXXY: That's the point! You swear and nobody hears you! Except the producer.
Meanwhile, Mhaille approaches the Terminator look-alike, who gives him a bottle with the label "+o". Mhaille drinks it and flexes his muscles, with the power-up sound of the Gummiberry Juice.
Mhaille spots an iPod salesman with a banner saying "FREE IPODS FOR: A) MONEY B) REFFERING FREINDS" and roundhouse kicks him out of the room (through the wall).
The Terminator look-alike suddenly turns around and leaves.
GUIDO ARBIA: Hey! Where did ChanServ go?
YNNAD: Nobody cares, Guido Arbia. Even ChanServ doesn't care.
GUIDO ARBIA: Yes he does! ChanServ loves me!!! Wait a second. Got to switch brains.
He opens his head, takes his brain out and puts another one in.
GUIDO ARBIA: Okay, now my maturity is back.
FOXXY: {annoyed} This conversation is going nowhere...
GUIDO ARBIA: That's where conversations usually go. {puts on a priest's robe and takes the Bible} {the following is said in a faster pace} None of them ever lead to any productive outcome unless they are maintained by scientific inquiry. That fact simply cannot be disputed.
FOXXY: Scientific?
GUIDO ARBIA: {fast} Yes. Or if they are spreading the gospel. Then people can get saved. So science and telling people about Jesus. Those are the only two things that ever lead to any good. And helping people. Yeah... Helping people. But a lot of times that is done through science. Like with medication. Or through Jesus, by giving good counciling from the word of God.
Jesus descends through the roof (without damaging it).
JESUS: God bless thou, my brother, for this impressively poetic speech.
INT. CONFESSIONAL.
JESUS: {subtitled as "Jesus #42: Uncyclopedia pantheon member} I just had to pull a Splarka!
Foxxy, who is standing right beside him, pouring a brown liquid into a glass out of her nipples (pixelated), suddenly sees it change color.
FOXXY: {drinks some} Mmm, that ain't no chocolate milk, it's wine! {offers the glass to Jesus, who drinks the rest}
INT. UNCYCLOPEDIA CHATROOM.
FOXXY: You gotta make a song out of this! {starts dancing}
GUIDO ARBIA: {singing}
- Beware the endless roads that lead beyond the grave,
- for there are only two which men crave.
- Along one road pleasure and happiness abounds,
- but only for a season after which depression is found,
- within the ego-centric self that desired wicked things,
- who was apathetic to what unhappiness they bring...
The song immediately gets the attention of everyone present, who rush to the closet and dump their luxury clothes for simple robes. Foxxy is shown crouching in pain, but as she is trying to cover her fox ears instead of the human ones, it's no wonder she still hears the song after all (shown visually as musical notes flying into her real ears).
FOXXY: Gaaaaaahhhhh!!!
In a short parody of a magical girl transformation, we see Foxxy's clothes (including the cap and the tail) disappear, replaced by an Ultima Online robe with an ankh on the chest, and a Bible in her hands.
The background changes to the normal one. Foxxy drops the Bible and starts running away, with the notes chasing her (and the song still heard as voice-over). She runs through a computer room, a room full of people wearing fake animal ears, tails, and sometimes fur (just like Foxxy herself seconds ago; all that can be heard in this room is "yiff... yiff... yiff" in various voices), and the Star Wars Senate chamber (which she crosses in one of the floating pods).
INT. UNCYCLOPEDIA CHATROOM.
GUIDO ARBIA: {not singing anymore} But considering that my senses feel like they are fading, and that reality doesn't feel real, I have a big problem... Well, consider this... There is a clear distinction between a visual thought, and a visual sensation. But my visual sensations feel like they are becoming more like thoughts...
INT. CONFESSIONAL.
FOXXY: Now that was a horrible, horrible mess! That boy ruined everything! What shall I tell the others?
EXT. DRAWN TOGETHER HOUSE - NIGHT.
INT. DRAWN TOGETHER HOUSE - LIVING ROOM.
The door opens, revealing a black robed silhouette...
Captain Hero, the first to notice this, tries to hide behind Ling-Ling (before he realizes that it's physically impossible). The rest of the housemates hide behind Captain Hero. They all look horrified.
FOXXY: {steps out of the darkness} Hey guys, it's Foxxy, no need to panic! {spins, Sims-style, changing back into her regular outfit}
CAPTAIN HERO: Phew, r-r-right... crawls towards her indecisively} How'd it go?
FOXXY: It's all set - the Drawn Together haters are distracted, and Foxxy's got a real easy way to get a feature-worthy article!
CAPTAIN HERO: {turns towards the other housemates} Uhm... yay?..
ALL: Yay!!!
INT. CONFESSIONAL.
The confessional is full of used paper.
CLARA: As much as I hate to admit it, Foxxy's plan did make sense! If the producer was going to air an episode tomorrow, he should have had the transcript ready - and that would make a much better article than anything we could write ourselves!
INT. DARK HALLWAY.
Foxxy is sneaking through the hallway, holding a flashlight, followed by Wooldoor. She points the light at one of the doors, highlighting a sign reading: "WARNING - DEFINITELY NOT THE PRODUCER'S BEDROOM".
She "unlocks" the Jew Producer's locker with a drill, taking out a folder titled:
- DRAWN TOGETHER
- SEASON 3, EPISODE ___
- Drawn Together meets Uncyclopedia
FOXXY: We did it!
JEW PRODUCER: {wakes up} What?.. Wha...
FOXXY: Wooldoor! Narcosis!!
Wooldoor bashes the Jew Producer's head with a rolling-pin, knocking him unconscious.
FLASH.
EXT. FENCE - DAY.
A rooster cries...
EXT. DRAWN TOGETHER HOUSE - PAN IN - DAY.
EXT. DRAWN TOGETHER HOUSE YARD - HOT TUB - DAY.
The housemates are sitting in the hot tub. Captain Hero is reading a newspaper with the headline:
- "DRAWN TOGETHER" ARTICLE -
- MISERABLE FAILURE
- (Google it!)
CAPTAIN HERO: We didn't make it!
ALL: Nooooooo!!!
Suddenly, they notice the Jew Producer standing right in front of them.
JEW PRODUCER: You fools! How is this not featured?
SPANKY: That's what I'd like to know! I put in as many fart jokes as would allow!
WOOLDOOR: I've gotten addicted to kittens!
CAPTAIN HERO: Impossible! We worked for ages on this!
TOOT: {pulls out a gun} I'LL BLOW AND EAT EVERYONE WHO VOTED AGAINST THIS!
XANDIR: Toot! Have you become a Bensonite?
TOOT: NO, GAYBOY! THIS IS HOW I TALK! HAVEN'T YOU SEEN MY MOVIES???
FOXXY: Alright, let's settle down and find out what just went wrong.
CAPTAIN HERO: I'll save us!
JEW PRODUCER: It's too late now! Prepare for your punishment!
XANDIR: This can't be good!
SPANKY: Screw you, boss!
CLARA: I'm ready for anything, heathen!
JEW PRODUCER: No Internet for a week! And a permaban from Uncyclopedia!
FOXXY: Wait! Youo can't do that!
JEW PRODUCER: Oh, yes I can!
The "Jew Producer" rips off his mask - the speaker-head - and takes off his suit to reveal dirty clothes, with the letters "RC" on the chest and a banstick (similar to the one we saw in the dungeon) attached to his leg.
RCMURPHY: Because I am Arcee-Murphy! Now, I have you just where I want to. I've always despised you clowns, and now I can finally do some justice!
SPANKY: Hey, you're that moron who decides what gets featured or not!
RCMURPHY: Yes, and I've had many triumphs over people who have no power in my life! First Drawn Together, then - the world! Bwahahaha!
CAPTAIN HERO: Don't ban us!
RCMURPHY: Don't worry, I won't. I don't like banning. But he will ban you.
Another admin, a thin, starving man on a sickly horse, approaches Rcmurphy. He is an obvious reference to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
FAMINE: I have the banstick ready!
FLASH.
INT. CONFESSIONAL.
GEORGE W. BUSH: And so we, the participants of the Elected Together reality show {a logo appears as he speaks this, which is a spoof of the Drawn Together logo}, were told by the Illuminati Producer to sit here and await our destiny - whatever he meant...
EXT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT.
The pan in is similar to that of the Drawn Together house, showing the White House from several angles.
INT. WHITE HOUSE.
We see George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Condoleeza Rice and several other major U. S. politicians standing beside each other, staring at a big, empty TV screen.
GEORGE W. BUSH: {v. o.} And even though we did not know what was coming, we felt that the United States - and thus the world, as these are one and the same - were in great danger.
EXT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT.
A robed figure, followed by innumberable clone troopers (a la Star Wars Episode III), is approaching the White House. As the robed figure is about to pass the columns, the camera closes up on him to reveal it's actually Rcmurphy.
His eyes are glowing green...