UnBooks:The Brothers Karamazov
“Not as funny as he thinks- also a very silly beard. Probably insecure around authority figures. But I'd still do him.”
“You want this funny? You want me to add jokes??!”
“I can't be bothered to edit it again. I am going to piss off and die!”
The Brothers Karamazov (Russian: Братья Карамазовы) is considered the world's greatest piece of musical theater. Written in 1880 by Russian author and noted epileptic Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov has been
copied acclaimed by diverse authors like Oscar Wilde and J.K. Rowling. It is the prototype for all 20th-century literature. The dark Russian spirit of Dostoevsky hovers like a masked mugger over the works of Danielle Steel and Jackie Collins, an asbestos blanket to snuff the incendiary pornography of Dan Brown and Stephanie Meyer.
The story expresses itself on two levels: on the surface, it is the story of a family of dysfunctional Russians, but on a deeper level, it is about talking to yourself when no one wants to know you. It therefore appeals to all loners, psychopaths and dentists and overweight women at bus stops. Blood drenched copies have turned up at crime scenes and family weddings, clear evidence that the perpetrator was armpits deep in morbid Russian literary references.
It is alleged the novel was composed mostly in a decaying bourgeois branch of Starbucks, which is also the main setting of the book. Dostoevsky spent nearly two days writing The Brothers Karamazov, forgetting about his lattes and processed carrot cake. Once finished, the book was published and given away as a toy in cereal boxes. The author died less than four hours after clicking the "cloud-publish" button, the tragic victim of brain fever, stemming from his heart-rending indecision over God's existence. Dostoevsky never lived long enough to see his secret dream of a New York Broadway performance of the piece many years later.
For Casual Readers
During the period in which he wrote the book, Dostoevsky was sleep-deprived and insane, following the traditions of his normal writing habits. Because he did not bother to filter much of his ideas, the book is 47,013.5 pages of wordiness, mindless distractions and bullshit, with two pages of actual substance hidden somewhere in there. Dostoevsky, however, would later release a special extended edition, which although only selling thirteen copies is believed to be largely responsible for the deforestation of the Amazon.
Scholars of Russian literature believe that some of the chapters of the book were actually the result of Dostoevsky having seizures while holding a pen, although most people cannot tell the difference either way. Other chapters were written as Dostoevsky slept. A third of the book contains obscure references to things of which no modern person has any conceivable knowledge like existing in a world where the village idiot was a fact of life rather than a cheap comedic euphemism. Another third contains quotes plagiarized from Russian shopping lists, and the rest is written in French. However, when the book was transcribed, most scholars agreed that virtually all of the material found its origins up Dostoevsky's ass. In that respect, The Brothers Karamazov shares its 'analistic' origins with James Joyce's Ulysses.
People today read the Dostoevsky's last book solely to prove that they can suffer great anguish and not commit suicide, whilst others may read it because they have masochistic fantasies or as penance for certain particularly bad sins. For example, American business man/crook Joseph Kennedy plotted to shave the eyebrows off of Pope Pius IX as an act of unusual piety, and was required to read The Brothers Karamazov backwards in Latin. Remarkably, he appeared to have grown 20 years younger as a result. Despite the potential appeal of this method, a veritable Fountain of Youth, no one else who has attempted it since has succeeded.
In an attempt to popularise the book, William Shatner starred in the film version, which included many details that were merely alluded to in the text, including Klingons and a trip to Mars on the Enterprise. However, Shatner's film was a failure and Hollywood steered clear of any future adaptations of Dostoevsky's work because the Russian seemed unaware of the notion of 'The Happy Ending'.
Rick "Alyosha" Karamazov is the youngest of the brothers and the best at ping pong. He is a novice aspiring to one day turn pro, but his status as a Level 5 monk conflicts with his ambitions, as well as his desire to not die a virgin. Alyosha is generally a pretty nice guy, except when you talk about sex, bite his finger, or start to smell. He left the brothers in a dispute about book royalties.
Dmitri Karamazov has been haunted since his early childhood by the lack of vowels in his first name. He is reckless, sensual, passionate, and enjoys romantic comedies and long walks in the marketplace. He and his father fall in love with the same hooker, but she won't give them a family discount. Too lazy to take his business elsewhere, he spends 3,000 roubles (USD $0.16) on her anyway. He is accused of killing his father, Fyodor Karamazov, in the heat of passion and running off with his VG++ copy of Amazing Fantasy #15.
Brilliant and aloof, Ivan Karamazov doesn't really do much except talk to God, Jesus, Satan, and L. Ron Hubbard, though he claims not to believe in any of them, except when he's really plastered. He is best remembered for his quote on the futility of imposing moral judgments on humanity: "If Dostoevsky does not exist, then all is permitted." Also, he goes Bat Fuck Insane.
The putative and odorous illegitimate half-brother of Dmitri, Ivan, and Alyosha, the ever-enigmatic Smerdyakov pops in from time to time mostly as comic relief. He only has three lines in the whole book: "California has good grapes", "Jennifer, I found your bra in my father's shoebox", and "Corey, I don't want to quit". Nonetheless, dark and disturbing secrets lurk beneath his happy-go-lucky exterior: his favorite band has always been Supertramp, for that word describes his mother. Also, he killed Fyodor Karamazov and, for no apparent reason other than to provide a convenient plot twist, also kills himself and Professor Dumbledore. (retroactive spoiler alert)
Fyodor Pavlovich Karamazov
The lecherous, buffoonish, and asthmatic but still quite dickish patriarch of Karamazovs, Fyodor Pavlovich is father to Dmitri, Ivan, Alyosha, Smerdyakov, and Tito, and, as recent DNA tests also suggest, David Hasselhoff. He's an incorrigible old gallivanted prick who blows his kids' inheritance on prostitutes who won't even sleep with him. But his dissolute lifestyle proves to be his undoing, culminating in the most shocking plot twist of the novel: after his kids kill him, people are actually surprised.
Alyosha's beloved little sister. She's a great dancer which is code for a lot more than you can see on this page. Falls in love with a Pole (the non-dancing variety).
Agrafena Alexandrovna Svetlova
Called Grushenka, Grusha or Grushka throughout the book, as she is in the fake identity business. Grushenka flirts with Fyodor and Dmitri outrageously. Grushenka makes them mad with lust but keeps them hanging on by making various excuses about not wanting to do it with either unless they bump off their dad. Gets involved with Katerina in a vicious pillow fight on the floor of the church. The blood is removed in time for the next religious service.
Katerina Ivanovna Verkhovteva
Dmitri's lover and repairer of his constantly torn baggy trousers. Ivan Karamazov finds her stitch work highy erotic and asks her to leave his brother for him. When Katerina finds that Dmitri really fancies Grushenka, she bribes the police to arrest her boyfriend for seductive laziness. Now in revenge she sticks her tongue down the throat of Ivan to make Dmitri mad and look more like a man who killed his own father.
Captain "Wisp of Tow"
A captain who, for some reason, gets really pissed off when you call him "wisp of tow". I have no idea what it means, but just go up to him and say "wisp of tow" and he'll go bonkers. For some reason, he enjoys strange men pulling his beard and humiliating him, but goes nuts over "wisp of tow". Go figure.
An annoying little devil whose hobbies include throwing rocks, biting people's ears off, sticking penknives into ex-best friends, and feeding dogs sharp objects. He dies, a real surprise because Dostoevsky himself spoils the surprise in the chapter names.
A holier-than-thou jackoff who thinks he knows better than everyone else because he talks to Jesus. Alyosha is the only person who even remotely likes him. Thankfully, Zosimov dies early on. There is much rejoicing.
Book One: A Karamazov Orange
The book starts with this line: There was me--that is Alyosha--and my three droogs, that is Pete, Ivan, and Dim. And we sat in the marketplace tavern, trying to make up our rassoodocks whether or not God exists. Beethoven is blamed for inciting all future violence by the main characters in the book. Special guest star Jason Orange from Take That appears in a non-speaking, non-acting role in this episode.
Book Two: Pretty Womananov
Dmitri and Schamarazov vie for the affections of the same harlot. Meanwhile, a monk goes around blessing peasants and bitchy teenage nobles. Ted Danson guest stars for no particular reason, perhaps because Julia Roberts was unavailable.
Book Three: Water Landanov
This world is all wet! Only a great swimmer will be able to get through. Do your best to find a Frog Suit--it will help you immensely. Kevin Costner guest stars for a crate of free beer.
Book Four: A New Hopeanov
The personalities of the youthful, optimistic Alyosha and the jaded, brooding Ivan clash as this unlikely pair of heroes find themselves on a mission to save Princess Leia Ivanovna from the clutches of the Ottoman Empire. First hints that Dmitri will kill someone soon.
Book Five: Pro and Amateuranov
Ivan and Alyosha argue about the existence of God. Well, Ivan does most of the talking. Alyosha sits back and watches as Ivan recites his famed parable of The Gland Inquistor, in which Disco Jesus comes back from the dead only to end up in a small town where the music is banned at the behest of puritanical local pastor Father Tedov (modelled on Billy Graham). Tedov vehemently insists the music will only encourage the unbridled hormonal debauchery among the youth of the town. Shelley Long guest stars in a bathing suit.
Book Six: Dammit, Jim, I'm a Doctoranov, not a Russian Monkanov!
A tangential character recounts his life story in 100 action-packed pages of meditation and prayer. It's a chapter you can miss, and most people do. The book guest stars Megan Fox and Lindsay Lohan, who appear together in a mud wrestling contest.
Book Seven: Changanov? I Thought You Were Dead!
Li Chu of the Temple of the Dragon Lotus Tiger Fist & Thomas LLC returns to his ancestral village, only to find his home in ruins, his family offended, and his autographed picture of Bob Newhart stolen. The culprit? Chang, of the Chang clan, whose ancestors swore an insatiable vendetta of infinite vengeance against the Chu clan for having offended their family. Li vows to hunt Chang down and offend him. Meanwhile at the Karamazov house, Dmitri serves potato soup for breakfast...
Book Eight: A Very Special Bookanov
Alyosha's older brother Dmitri is a White Army dropout and spends most of his time in their basement, playing Warcraft and watching old Teen Titans reruns. As Dmitri grows more and more distant from life and love, Alyosha starts to fear his brother is contemplating suicide. The gentle boy appeals to the Heavens for help with his big brother, and God hears his prayer and sends down a lovably bumbling angel to show Dmitri what life would be like had he never been born. Don Rickles guest stars as Mr Vodka Head.
Book Nine: In Imperial Russia, Lawyers Make Fun of YOU!!
Dmitri is accused of killing Schmaramazov. A consumptive-looking policeman and a consumptive-looking prosecutor detain Dmitri and question him, citing as particularly damning the preponderance of evidence against Dmitri and his stubborn refusal to look consumptive. Guest starring Christian Bale, who starved himself for the role.
Book Ten: If You're Still Reading This, That Makes You One of Us. --F. Dostoevsky
Alyosha and Ivan are sent on a mission to the Konoka Islands to retrieve a special antidote for the daughter of the town's Grand Elders, suffering from a rare and potentially fatal form of the Konoka virus. Note that this book is not considered canon by fans, since it only appeared in the anime and not the original manga. No guest stars are in this chapter.
Book Eleven: Rockanov IV
Cold, morose Ivan fights spiritual doubt, moral uncertainty, and Rocky Balboa. He sings God Bless the Soviet Union at the end of the chapter. Guest star cameo performance by Jackie Stallone.
Book Twelve: You Can't Handle the Truthanov!
Despite their articulate, fervent pleas on his behalf, Dmitri's defense attorneys are unable to overcome their client's disconcerting lack of both brain fever and consumption. Peasants throughout Mother Russia applaud the verdict, then go back to peddling geese and flagellating their children. Dmitri is sentenced to 20 years of hard labor in Siberia. Governor Michael Dukakis commutes this to a year of soft labor with alternate weekends off.
I Can't Believe I Wrote a F*cking Epilogue, Too
With his father dead, his brother condemned, his other brother crazy, and his other other brother dead, Alyosha reflects on life, God, and justice. Two 750mL bottles of Moskovskaya vodka later, he has stripped to his boxers, singing a medley of Motown hits in falsetto. The novel ends in canonical Russian fashion, with the clientele of the marketplace tavern arguing with Alyosha about God, killing him, going insane, and drinking to Mother Russia, thus fulfilling the requirements set by the Russian Imperial Council for every Russian novel ending in history.
Dostoevsky died the same day he wrote the final lines. His publishers were distraught as they had him down for the show I'm a Russian Author:Get Me Out of Siberia. The book barely sold any copies until it was adopted by Sigmund Freud as a 'reading relaxant' for his patients.
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