UnBooks:Dr Seuss' "The Git who Stoned Christians"

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Theodor Seuss Geisel (pronounced /ˈɡaɪzəl/; March 2, 1904 – September 24, 1991) was an American writer and cartoonist most widely known for his children's books written under the pen names Dr. Seuss, Theo. LeSieg and, in one case, Jozef Fritzel. He published 44 children's books, which were often characterized by imaginative characters, rhyme, and frequent use of really


His most celebrated books include the bestselling "One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish", "Horton Hires a Ho!" and "The Joy of Sex". Generations of young Americans grew up comforted by his friendly style and exciting illustrations while, simultaneously, being made aware of the benefits of a diet rich in green ham and the dangers of inviting fast-talking but unidentifiable animals into the house while their parents were not home.

The man millions world wide had come to think of as Dr Seuss, departed this Earth in 1991, leaving his heirs richer to the tune of $40 million, and the world's children poorer for his loss. In 2002, terrorist attacks on New York provoked panic across the United States. Many millions of people were unable to cope, having been brought up to believe that the biggest danger to the American way of life was the ever-present threat of a Grinch stealing Christmas. The White House responded by recruiting noted psychic James Bogus to interview Geisel via Ouija board. The result was the publication of his final books (the first written posthumously), starting with "The Git who Stoned Christians". In this slim book of only thirteen pages, Geisel recounted the whole story of how Osama Bin Laden had first become wealthy thanks to US construction contracts but had then turned against the West following the stationing of unclean foreign troops in the Arabian peninsula in the build up to the first Gulf War. Despite their deployment being over 300 miles away from the holy cities of Mecca and Medina, the sight of female US personnel wearing nothing but full combat body armour, boots and helmets was felt to be an insult to Islam. Geisel explained how, witnessing one of these "Whores" shamelessly defending Bin Laden's homeland from foreign aggression had driven Osama to take a terrible revenge.

It is thought that his publisher, Doubleday, vetoed Seuss's original suggestion for the title: "The Twat in the Hat".

Every infidel

In the US
Worshipped Jesus a bit...
Until the 1990s, Osama had been quite a fan of George Bush Snr.

But Osama
In Saudi,
Thought Christians were SHIT!

Osama hated Christians! They drove him quite mad!
So he rounded up followers and called a jihad.
It could be his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be his turban was wound round too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his gonads were terribly small.

Page One

In Osama's world even mobiles dressed modestly.

Whatever the reason,
His turban or balls,
He invested his millions to bring death to us all.
While he had a last meal of goat, beans and figs,
He planned suicide missions 'gainst those who eat pigs.

"They let women drive!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Those terrible Christians, half of them queer!"
Then he growled, with his fingers nervously tapping,
"How I hate to see Muslim boys copy their rapping!"

Page Two

Last year , he knew...

The sight of Saddam Hussein fleeing before infidel troops only hardened Osama's resolve.
... had been infidel fun
They'd woken up early and picked up their guns.
And Then! Oh, the shame. Oh, what a pity!
They'd sent troops to Saudi, home of holy cities.

Then infidel tanks were on Iraqi soil
They freed Kuwait! And they freed its oil!
But Osama's blood started to BOIL!

They'd stopped Saddam's fun, the spoil-sport turds,
But at least they let him go on gassing the Kurds!

Page Three

They'd done something
Osama suspected that the reason so many Christians were homosexual had something to do with their founder.
He hated to see!
They'd prayed to a God who'd had been nailed to a tree.
Every infidel pig-dog, Oh, Heaven above!
Worshipped a God who preached brotherly love!

They'd sang! And they'd sang!
And they'd SANG! SANG! SANG! SANG!
Hymns about mercy - and that sort of thang.
And the more Osama thought of this whole Christian army,
The more his brain addled, the more he went barmy!
"Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with them now!"
"I must stop these Christians singing!"

... But "HOW?"

Page Four

Then he got an idea!
Osama got all his best ideas when watching Turner Classic Movies.
An awful idea

"I know just what to do! It's a fail-safe plan!"
He said as he flew off to Afghanistan.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "I'm really the man!"
As he checked his bags into Hotel Taliban.

"All I need is an airliner..."
Osama looked round.
But Taliban pilots were thin on the ground.
Did that stop Osama...?
No! Our hero said,
"If I can't find a pilot, I'll train some instead!"
And he found some half-wits. And with plenty of urging
Convinced them each martyr got their pick of virgins.

Page Five

They loaded some planes
Osama was a big hit at the hotel karaoke.
With plenty of fuel
And men, women and kids
The infidel fools.

Then Osama said "Giddap!"
And the plane started flying
Toward old New York City
Where the kids could start dying.

All the windows were lit. As the plane flew through the air.
All the infidels working in the World Trade Center there
'Til the plane hit the first tower perfectly square.
"That was just number one," old Osama thunk.
"If I wasn't a Muslim I think I'd get drunk."

Page Six

And they watched on TV in Camden, Alabama.
But didn't know this was down to Osama.
New York Welcomes Careful Drivers.
They thought that the crash was simply terrible luck
So they shrugged, drank more beer and said "What the fuck?"
Said Osama, "I'll show them that I am the boy!"
"There's another tower just like it that I can destroy!"

Then he eagerly switched over to watch CNN,
To see the destruction again and again!
He sent up another plane, number three and then four!
And he hoped that the infidels would think he had more.
And he sent them to DC and back to New York,
To punish the Jews and the eaters of pork!

Page Seven

No matter who you are, sometimes all you need is a nice cold brewski.

Then he knocked back some peanuts and alcohol-free beer.
And laughed as he watched global panic and fear.
He cleaned out his ice-box, but left the sliced gammon.
And re-checked the pizza in case it had ham on!

Then he ate all the food in just half an hour.
And grinned as the second plane hit the South tower.

Page Eight

Passengers to Hell, pilots to Heaven.
Osama wondered why it was called 9-11.
Heavenly virgins.jpg
For surely it wasn't already November,
Was it month first, or day? He could never remember!

The next plane struck gold and killed some top brass
The Pentagon flattened and knocked on its ass.
But the fourth plane, who knew where 'twas bound,
Simply vanished from radar and crashed on the ground.

Page Nine

Now, Osama was trapped by the hotelier's daughter,
Who questioned his plan - "Gosh, do you think that you oughta?"
"I ask with respect, as you know, I'm your niece"
"Does this really show Islam is all about peace?"
Osama loved children, he knew how useful they could be.
But you know, that Osama was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake sheikh lied,
"I can do no wrong - I've God on my side"
"You can't understand - you're just a wee lass."
" But George Bush said Mohammed took it up the ass."

And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head
And he scourged her quite gently and sent her to bed.
He tucked her in and he closed up the drapes
"I'll have her stoned for adultery if she ever gets raped!"

Page Ten

And the next thing he knew
He was out on the street!
Amputating the hands of an habitual thief,
Security at the Taliban Ladies Penitentiary was particularly tight.
"One day," he said. "It won't seem so weird,"
"That I hang every man, woman or child without beards."

American troops
Were all over the place
Freeing women once gaoled
For showing their face.

Page Eleven

A simple disguise was enough to evade capture by US marines.

It was quarter past Ramadan
As the US attacked
With the infidels closing
He packed his ruck-sack
With bon-bons, gob-stoppers and sweet sherbet fountains,
His dildo, some KY. Then off to the mountains!

Three thousand feet up! By Mount Tora-Bora,
The Black Hawks and armed drones bombed the fauna and flora.
"Pooh-pooh to the US!" he git-ishly said.
With his dildo inserted, bag over his head.
"They'll never find me! Not in this remote cave!"
"Not if my disciples know how to behave."
"I'll just stay here in bed with my boyfriend, Dave!"

Page Twelve

Osama and Dave in happier times.

Well, they looked and they looked.
But couldn't find Osama.
Not under George Bush.
Not under Obama.
Is it allies, intelligence, or luck that they lack?
Or did they just get distracted re-invading Iraq?


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