Miles "Tails" Prower

Oh, he may look cute, but underneath that furry exterior is a cold badass mofo.

Miles "Tails" Prower is a character in the Sonic the Hedgehog video game series, and the mascot of the Mozilla Firefox browser. He is a significant sidekick of the title character Sonic, ranking alongside such greats as Luigi and Robin. Tails also appears in Sonic-oriented comic books, cartoons, anime, sports bras, strainers, and fridge magnets. He debuted in 1992 with the release of Sonic the Hedgehog 2 for the Sega Genesis, back when Sonic characters were 2D and couldn't talk.

Though Tails has had a troublesome childhood and has been plagued with questions about his independence and speed, his genius and guile were soon recognized, thus pushing his status up to renowned hitman, technical mastermind, and asskicker. His befriending of other world-class asskickers, including, but not limited to, Shadow the Hedgehog, Knuckles the Echidna, and Jack Bauer, has made Tails the legend he is today. In recent years, Tails has been busy writing his best-selling memoirs, although he has twice contemplated coming out of retirement, just to rip Dark Oak a new one.

Little Miles is an eight-year-old Kurama with two tails, hence his nickname. He is known for his ability to fly like a helicopter with his two tails for a limited time only, as well as his tech wizardry and prowess with inventing things. He is Sonic's most dedicated and faithful follower, accompanying Sonic wherever he goes and acting as his personal bodyguard, although he usually has a problem catching up. Contrary to what some fans may interpret from his idolatry of Sonic, Tails is a raging heterosexual. Some fans mistakenly thought Tails to be a girl, but he is in actuality a boy. Tails is the 50th most popular character in the series, running slowly behind Sonic and everyone else, according to an official poll.

Characteristics

Tails is a bad boy when Sonic's not looking (e.g. smoking, touching himself, cross-dressing, swearing)...

Tails is known to be Sonic's obedient and sycophantic partner, going with Sonic wherever he goes and protecting him as his personal bodyguard, although he often has trouble keeping up with Sanic's gotta-go-fasting. His duties include tasting Sonic's food to check for poison, going through doors first to check they're not booby-trapped, and starting his car from 150 feet away in case there's a car bomb. Despite going through all this pain, Tails remains Sonic's best friend, even lending him his Tornado airplane to escape from fangirls like Amy Rose.

Tails has developed numerous bad habits off-duty, due to his abusive work life and lack of a caring home. When the authorities find him, he explains: "Sonic made me do it!" When they ask Sonic, he says "God made me do it". When they ask God, he says "You got the wrong number, pal" and hangs up. There have also been a number of incidents involving glug-glug, hump-hump, what-do-you-mean-pregnant, and a dash to the border, now let's never speak of them again.

Despite Tails's full name being "Miles Per Hour", the top speed he can fly is a mere 15 km./h, resulting in him falling behind Sonic continuously while following him. Many times, this results in Tails getting stuck in pits of doom, in which Sonic realizes Tails is dead when he's 2 kilometers ahead. Luckily, Tails carries an infinite supply of power rings in his tail and reincarnates in some random area of the sky over Sonic, starting the damn cycle all over again. When Tails was first introduced, his fur color was orange, but as the series progressed, Sega later changed it to yellow for the sake of political correctness.

History

Early life

Miles was born on West Side Island, which is the coolest island on Mobius Earth Freedom Sonic's world, a planet which is as cool and blue as the hedgehog it was named after. He grew up in a normal loving family, his father a former Royal Air Force Colonel for Knothole and his mother, some average high society fox chick. He was no ordinary fox, but rather a mutant with two tails instead of one, and fur that was orange instead of brown. It is speculated that his parents were also mutants. Miles was quickly accepted by the other animals, although they felt there was something strange about this little fox. His handwriting was horrible, and he could neither decorate a room nor coordinate an outfit to save his life. Yet, his ability to repair appliances and automobiles soon became almost legendary.

Some of Miles's favorite pastimes were watching 24 and quoting Jack Bauer, and he developed an elemental understanding of sheer badassery. Though life was peaceful on the island, Miles always felt unsatisfied with his boring life at home, and dreamed of one day traveling away. It wasn't a long while before his life got flip-turned upside-down, but not in the way he expected. One day while off in Station Square, his father was sniped for looking out the windows by the Sniper Kitty of 48. Soon his mother fell victim to the Kitty as well; from then on, 4-year-old orphan Miles declared war on all cats. He left his home seeking new adventures, with nothing but a Jack Bauer(TM) Approved Jr. Toolset, an autographed copy of Interrogation for Dummies, and a Daniel Craig bobblehead.

Meeting Sonic

Originally nicknamed "Snails", Miles was the slowest bipedal woodland creature in the forest. After four years of wandering the wilderness, 8-year-old Miles first met worldwide sensation Sonic the Hedgehog. This moment came one day, when Miles was walking in a forest and he fell into a swamp. When Sonic came by, he saw two Miles peering from the swamp, the rest of Miles's body completely submerged. Mistakenly believing there were two foxes in the swamp, Sonic only had time to grab one tail and believed the other fox had drowned; he soon realized that both Miles belonged to the same fox. Being a hedgehog who gotta go fast, Sonic then showed Miles his own attributes, and broke the speed limit multiple times (as usual). Miles immediately began worshipping this hedgehog like no other and took off after Sonic, trying to pull him over.

Miles then ate a genetically-modified radish, and both of his tails started to spin in an irregular frenzy. He was unable to cease forwards propulsion and achieved mach 29, breaking the light barrier and shredding a hole in the fabric of the omniverse. Sonic spindashed the living crap out of Miles, knocking him unconscious and preventing further damage of the time rift. When Miles awoke, Sonic apologized and said "Hey dude, are you OK?"; Miles, being the spineless wimp he is, mewled "Yeah" weakly. After this first encounter, the two fast friends fast became friends. This series of unfortunate events convinced poor Snails (who was, at the time, still moving faster than the speed of light for some reason) to re-nickname himself Tails, trying to take his mind off traveling twelve millions miles a minute.

Book of Genesis

Tails in attack mode, seen here attempting to poke one of Sonic's quills while Sonic is momentarily distracted by Knuckles's manly muscles. Notice how his eyes are inflamed and his tails are puffed out.

Tails debuted in Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (1992) for the Sega Genesis. In the game, Sonic and Tails's vacation on the island resort is interrupted when Sonic's fat dominatrix nemesis, Dr. Ivo "Eggman" Robotnik, attempts to take over the world with his new weapon, the Death Egg. Now it's up Sonic and Tails to stop him. Here, Tails plays the part of Sonic's neglected sidekick who is always seen getting killed by spikes. He was a playable character from the second controller and could be chosen as player one for the main game, though very few players cared enough to do this.

Tails appears again in Sonic the Hedgehog 3 (1994) and Sonic & Knuckles (1994). He and Sonic go to Angel Island for a vacation, only to find that Dr. Robotnik is rebuilding his crashed Death Egg in yet another "take over the world" scheme. To make matters worse, they have to deal with Knuckles, the island's funky fresh guardian. Here, Tails has the ability to pick up Sonic and use his tails to transport him to other areas. He also gained the ability to swim underwater. Can that punk Sonic swim underwater? I don't think so. At the end, Knux becomes a good guy and helps the other two defeat Robotnik.

In the mid-1990s, Tails starred in his own series of handheld games without Sonic, as part of Sega's attempt to prop up a "new Sonic Hero". These games were Tails and the Music Man Maker (1994), Tails' Skypatrol (1995), Tails Adventure (1995), Tails Adventure DX (1996), Tails Adventure 2: Electric-Tailed Boogaloo (1996), and Tails' Tales: The Curse of Michael Bay Island (1997). The quality of these games ranged from mediocre to just awful, and they were quickly forgotten. Poor Tails, he tried to be his own hero and failed.

Book of Dreamcast

Tails made his jump to 3D in Sonic Adventure (1998). He appears as one of the six playable characters, and one of only three characters who are enjoyable to play as. He and Sonic are on a quest to stop Dr. Robotnik from stealing the seven Chaos Emeralds and powering a Dragon Ball Z water creature named Chaos. Tails's gameplay is speed-based, like Sonic's, but the goal of each stage is to get to the Chaos Emerald before Sonic. The final stage involves Tails growing a pair and stopping Robotnik from bombing the city all by himself without Sonic's help, receiving wild applause from the townsfolk. It may seem cheesy now, but admit it: you shed a tear at that scene.

In the notably angstier Sonic Adventure 2 (2001), Tails is featured in third-person shooter segments, super-glued to his clunky-as-cluck Cyclone mech. These stages, along with Eggman's shooting levels in the same game, were similar to the E-102 Gamma levels of Sonic Adventure, only slower, longer, clunkier, and more boring. Why can't Tails run around on-foot like he did in the last game?

According to Sonic fans, there were no Sonic games released after this. Absolutely none!...

Books of 6–8Gens

...okay, there were in fact Sonic games released after this. Which are Sonic Chaos 2 (2002), Tails Tales: The Land of Illusion (2003), Sonic 3D Blast 2: Eggman's Return (2004), Tails Tales: Fox in Time (2005), Super Tails Tales: Fox World (2006), Sonic The Hedgehog: Quest for the Golden Mickey Mouse Statue (2007), SegaSonic Kombat (2008), Sonic and Tiny Toons Clash! (2009), Tails's Bad Dream (2010), Sonic and Knuckles 2: Continuation (2011), Sonic and Mario Wars (2012), Sonic CD 2: The New Adventures (2013), SegaSonic Kombat 2: The New Challengers (2014), Sonic and Tiny Toons Clash 2: The Tiny Toons Strike Back! (2015), Sonic Rivals 2 (2016), SegaSonic Kombat 3: The Final Chapter (2017), Sonic and Tiny Toons Clash 3: The Final War! (2018), and The Adventures of Sonic and Chipflake (2019). They were pretty good games. Better than Sonic the Hedgehog (2006) at least; I can't get the bestiality out of my head because of that game.

In the Sonic X (2003) anime, Tails meets the only woman he would ever truly love, a plant thing named Cosmo. Cosmo came into Tails's life after she came to Sonic's world to reclaim Planet Eggs from the Metarex (evil plant-aliens). On the planet Alabasta, they end up bonding when hiding from the aliens in a cave. From there on, Cosmo is Tails's girlfriend and likes it, as she subscribes to Jack Bauer's cooking classes and wears Victorian-era outfits. At one point Tails went on a rampage, beating up Shadow the Hedgehog for trying to kill Cosmo, as he believed she was on the Metarex's side (since Dark Oak was her daddy). Unfortunately, Tails was forced to kill Cosmo (why did 4Kids have to cut that out?) in the second-to-last episode of Sonic X, where she sacrifices herself by fusing with the Metarex's giant seed. Since her death, Tails has never again attempted to have any kind of romantic relationship. Some fans have tried to ship him with Cream the Rabbit, despite them almost never interacting.

The War Against the Fine Machinery

A recreation of how one witness saw Eggman subjugate Tails.

However, the good times did not last long. In Sonic Forces (2017), the whole of Sonic's world was attacked and conquered by Dr. Eggman. Infinite, a mercenary jackal, was murdered by an E-Series series Terminator, and made into a cyborg by the Cyberegg Systems Corporation, to fight a virus in the EGGNET system, made by G.U.N. After wiping the virus, EGGNET went online and nuked Sonic's world to a crisp. Sonic would awaken after the bombs fell and tried to take EGGNET out singlehandedly, but Infinite handed him his ass and took him prisoner aboard the Death Egg. All other Mobians Earthicans Freedoms Worldians were systematically rounded up and enslaved in concentration camps under the Eggman Empire. Tails's luck had finally run out and his dreams were dashed aside, as him and Sonic were now split from each other.

As time passed, and the mistreatment of the Worldians grew, talks of rebellion were occurring. Tails became fascinated by this and wanted to change the way Worldians were being treated. During that period, Tails met and trained with Peter Weller, and Weller took Tails to the Omni Consumer Products corporation. Omni took the opportunity to use Tails's body to create a CycloneCop for the Resistance Against the Machines, and bestowed him with the form necessary to kick Infinite's ass and later usurp Sonic as Sega's mascot. Tails was rebuilt into a CycloneCop version of himself, complete with a voice altered to a full Peter Weller rasp, and thus, the reborn fox went after that jackal. Sonic eventually was able to escape from the Death Egg camps and reunited with Tails. They joined the Master Emerald rebel group, formed by the radical leader Knuckles the Echidna, and would attend their secret rallies.

With the combined leadership of Sonic, Tails, and Knuckles, the furies soon threw a successful revolution that toppled Eggman's reign of terror. Tails would come back to Eggman's fortress and ultimately hand Infinite HIS ass, reprogram him, and take EGGNET down. The Doctor was captured and subjected accordingly to public humiliation, having his mustache tarred and feathered. When their rebellion finally succeeded, the three heroes celebrated with a Crush 40 concert the night after.

Today, Tails continues to regularly engage in popular mechanics and technological activities. He also hosts his own YouTube series, TailsTube, where he tries to explain the lore of the Sonic series to compensate for Sega's sloppy writing.

Skills

Tails is going to crush you and still have enough time for fly fishing.

In the past, various world leaders have tried to capture and arrest Tails due to his disrespect for authority and murder of police officers in Sonic Adventure 2. However, in the case The United Federation v. Miles "Tails" Prower, the prosecution was unable to prove that Tails had busted Sonic out of prison due to lack of evidence. The President, when asked to testify, stated, "Dude, look at him. He's a little two-tailed fox. If any world leader had suspected him, it would've been me!" Although photography was forbidden in the courtroom, one artist managed to make a sketch showing Tails allegedly bribing the judges with free jelly donuts.

When Tails was put in the CycloneCop suit, he was bestowed with 3/4ths of Peter Weller's powers and abilities, including his voice when he reached the correct age. This has led to some debate on whether Tails is indeed the Most Badass Talking Animal next to Jack Bauer's German Shepard. Here is a true facts list of Tails's feats so far:

1. Tails knows where you live and now you know that. So he might kill you from now on (if he has to)...
2. The Chinese have Chow Yun-Fat, the British have Daniel Craig, the Australians have Mel Gibson, California has Arnold Schwarzenegger, Japan has Tails, and the United States has Chuck Norris, Peter Weller, and Jack Bauer.
3. Tails is also an expert in piloting, which led to him becoming the spokesperson, lead engineer, lead pilot, and best customer of the TortureTech Inc. fighter pilot company.
4. He doesn't need to fly anymore. He only needs to walk through walls.
5. If you mess with Tails, he will shove his tails down your throat.
6. Tails doesn't need a house. He's happy to fly high and believe in himself.
7. Tails may only be 8 years old, but he'll still kick your ass.
8. If you call him a bad fox, he'll kick your ass so bad you'll be the only one in heaven with a wheelchair.
9. Tails is currently suing NBC, claiming Law & Order are trademarked for his two tails.
10. Tails does not hunt because the word "hunting" infers the probability of failure. Rather, Tails goes killing.
11. Tails impressed Peter Weller and all he got was a lousy cyborg suit.
12. Tails is a cyborg police officer working with the Station Square Police Department, Knuckles's Resistance Against the Machines, AND the Jack Bauer "Right to Bear Arms" Club.
13. The only woman Tails would ever be involved with is Cosmo...except he killed Cosmo in the second-to-last episode of Sonic X.
14. Tails spun his tails so fast that he created a time-space warp, went back in time, and killed himself before he could shoot Cosmo, but still survived himself being killed.
15. Tails kills any man who stares at Cosmo for more than ten seconds.
16. Tails is six feet tall, weighs two-tons, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing (honest!).
17. When Amy sends in her taxes, she sends blank forms and includes only a picture of Tails, crouched and ready to attack. Amy has not had to pay taxes ever.
18. A handicap landing sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped pilots. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Tails and that you will be handicapped if you land your plane there.
19. Tails once sliced a whole cake before his friends could tell him Cosmo was in it. Thankfully Jesus-Sonic had her resurrected yet again.
20. Tails once met Eggman and they had a debate on who killed more hedgehogs. In the end, Tails won.
21. In real life, Tails doesn't kill you. He orders his tails to do it, so you can't blame him later (as if you could blame him after you die anyway; it's more of an honor than a punishment).
22. Tails is most infamous badass of the Sonic universe, even moreso than Shadow (the closest thing on Sonic's world to Sephiroth).
23. Tails made sure Knuckles made it to the Second Central City Presidential Primary.
24. Tails made an appearance in Sega's anime remake of 24, where he voice-acted as Christopher Henderson.
25. Tails created two biplanes at a young age and without FAA approval.
26. Tails flies with two tails without FAA approval.
27. Tails blasted the Iblis Trigger at a gas station and blew up Mephiles the Dark's motorcycle.
28. Tails beat System Shock 2 on "Impossible" without needing to change his Hanes.
29. Tails can kill those chainsaw enemies in one hit with the knife in Resident Evil 4.

See also

• Peter Weller
• Jack Bauer