Miracle Science

Scientists assure us that the world makes a lot more sense when looking at it through Miracle Science glasses.

Miracle Science is the science of replacing previously accepted religious explanations with perfectly valid scientific ones, through the use of the scientific method. It has been the main source of scientific theories since the dawn of time. Most notable among these are the theory of gravity, the theory of evolution and the Big Bang theory. It is not to be confused with pseudoscience, which, unlike Miracle Science, is not widely supported by the scientific community and is thus inherently delusional.

History of Miracle Science

According to scientists, in the beginning there was nothing, but later on something scientifically appeared.

Gravity

For ages, people had believed the reason why they were confined to just walking on the ground was because God didn't want them hovering around in the air. Of course, people can jump up in the air, God having supplied us with free will, but inevitably we'd be pulled back to Earth, that being the natural state of things. That's why airplanes were believed to plummet down to Earth at times. In fact, airplanes' ability to fly was thought to derive from their shape being similar to a cross. The efficiency of more aerodynamic shapes would be the consequence of God having preferred a cross with a shape like that.

But when Isaac Newton observed an apple falling from a tree and failed to notice God's influence in this event of great importance, he came up with a new miraculously scientific concept: gravity. It turns out that it's gravity that keeps pulling us and the airplanes down, and not God. Apparently, it has something to do with mass, which is assigned to everything in a scientific manner somehow. There are also other types of attraction which don't involve mass, but also aren't caused by God.

Evolution

For ages, people had believed that God had put them on this Earth, and the plants and animals too. And all of them already categorized in the same species as they are today. But Aristotle, who was kind of a primordial scientist, posited a different hypothesis, namely that living things scientifically originated from inanimate matter through spontaneous generation. Aristotle would argue that mollusks would suddenly appear from mud, barnacles from rocks, worms from snow, etc.

Eventually, an intelligent chap named Charles Darwin figured out that Aristotle probably wasn't getting enough sex and proposed a new theory altogether. According to Darwin, species didn't spontaneously arise from minerals and crystals, instead they arose from each other. Darwin went on to make an even bolder statement and said that we are all descended from a single common ancestor. He wasn't sure where that single common ancestor might've come from, though he said something about a "warm little pond".

The Big Bang

The Big Bang theory was actually conceived by a brilliant Christian priest. It was later ~~corrupted~~ expanded upon by scientists who didn't wear a clerical collar. The theory, as reworked by these scientists, basically says that at first there was absolutely nothing, but then this marble appeared, except that it was actually our universe and it was infinitely smaller than a marble, and then that marble suddenly started getting bigger.

Miracle Science and the Bible

When the scientists were done replacing God with more scientific concepts in their theories, they set their sights on the Bible. In their quest for true knowledge, they came up with all kinds of inspirational natural explanations for a variety of biblical events.

This is what some scientists hypothesize the Great Deluge actually looked like.

Great Deluge

The most common scientific explanation for the Great Deluge, save for everyone having hallucinated it, asserts that while some flooding probably occurred, its extent was greatly exaggerated, which similarly happened with the size of Noah's Ark and the amount of animals on it. A minority of scientists, however, believe that a worldwide flood might've actually occurred, having been caused by either an asteroid impact or global warming. And Noah would've been able to foresee this cataclysm because he was such a great astronomer/climatologist.

Plagues of Egypt

One of the most popular theories scientists offer us as an explanation for the Ten Plagues of Egypt is that they were mostly caused by the eruption of Santorini, a volcanic island near Greece. The first plague, where the Nile turns into undrinkable blood and all the fish die, would derive from Santorini's ash, which was apparently red, ending up in the Nile. The second plague, where the whole of Egypt is overrun by frogs that only manage to survive for one day, would follow from the frogs not being able to bear the horrible stench from all the dead fish in the Nile and thus leaving the river but soon dying because they had caught a cold or something. The third plague, where gnats appear in great numbers and start suffocating people by crawling into their throats, is easily explained by the lack of frogs causing a very sudden rise in the gnat population.

In the fourth plague, wild beasts show up to give the Egyptians a hard time, though some people, including scientists, prefer to translate them as "flies" and hence use the lack of frogs to explain this plague as well. The fifth plague, where the Egyptian livestock starts dying due to some mysterious disease, and the sixth plague, where the Egyptians and their livestock develop some kind of skin disease, would derive from lots of bugs flying around and spreading these diseases. The seventh plague, where fiery hail starts falling from the sky, would be caused by Santorini's eruption disrupting the weather system. The eight plague, a huge swarm of locusts, might involve the lack of frogs again. The ninth plague, darkness which lasted for three days, could've been caused by volcanic ash or sandstorms. The tenth plague, the death of the firstborn, would follow from the Egyptians feeding their firstborn with food polluted by the previous plagues, including their cattle's firstborn too.

Of course, Moses and Aaron knew beforehand that Santorini's eruption would cause ten clearly distinguishable plagues, selectively in Egypt, because they were such magnificent scientists. Therefore, it was only child's play to calculate the exact time when they needed to swing their staffs or throw dirt in the air so as to make it appear as though they had caused the plagues.

According to scientists, earthquakes might have scientifically caused the Red Sea to part.

Parting of the Red Sea

While it has been generally assumed that the fact that the literal translation and the traditional translation of יַם-סוּף, Reed Sea and Red Sea respectively, only differ by one letter constitutes a divine sign of the correctness of the translation, scientists disagree. Nevertheless, most of the alternative locations suggested by scientists still concern large bodies of water that would likewise be hard to cross without a boat. As a solution, scientists propose that a couple earthquakes must have created a temporary passageway. And as already has been established, Moses was presumably an excellent scientist and would thus have known exactly when and where these earthquakes would've created a passageway.

Turning Water into Wine

According to scientists, it's not easy to turn water into wine, and they don't have enough faith in Jesus Christ to believe that he could've pulled it off. Some scientists think that Jesus just drained the wine from the wine jars and put it into the water jars when no one was looking. So when the servants were filling the wine jars with water, they were actually filling it with wine. There are also several scientists who posit that Jesus had been drinking so much wine that his pee had started tasting like wine and he had been peeing in the water jars.

Jesus might've used Leonardo's detailed drawings to construct an ingenious device enabling him to walk on water (the skirt is optional).

Walking on Water

As scientists don't believe Jesus's density could have been low enough for him to be able to walk on water unaided, they think he must've been standing on top of something. More specifically, scientists have suggested sand bars, ice and even devices anachronistically designed by Leonardo da Vinci to explain Jesus's ability to walk on water. Thus Jesus must've had advanced knowledge of the lake's underwater geography, really cold feet, or access to a time machine.

Raising of Lazarus

Scientists claim Lazarus couldn't have possibly been raised from the dead, because that goes against several major laws of physics. Instead, they posit that Lazarus had fallen into some weird kind of coma from which he could only be awakened by the sound of Jesus's voice. This leads us to conclude that Jesus wasn't merely a brilliant scientist, but possessed extraordinary musical skills as well.

Resurrection of Jesus

The resurrection of Jesus is even more puzzling for scientists than that of Lazarus. This is because, supposing resurrection was even possible, who would've resurrected him? As science doesn't support the existence of God or an afterlife, neither Jesus nor his Father would've been available to perform the act. Thus scientists are forced to conclude that Jesus was only pretending to be dead in order to fake his own resurrection, utilizing his expertise in various fields of science in the process, no doubt.