Josh Homme
“ I saw three guys dressed up as bananas. I guess they split.”
Joshua Michael "The Ejaculator" Baby Duck Homme III (Born May 17, 1973, the third coming of Evil Jesus) is a record producer, lead singer, guitarist, trom-boner and transvestite of the bands Queens of the Stone Age, Kyuss, Them Crooked Vultures and Eagles of Death Metal. He is famous for 3 reasons;
1. Invented the Panda in 1982, to the disbelief of many disco-goers of the time, as the creature is not colourful enough.
2. Wrote the book of Mormon after a feud with Richard Dawkins. When asked what he thought of Homme, Dawkins said "Pretentious cactus-fucker, smells like fermented radishes and gives blowjob's like a fucking donkey." Dawkins was later put down. Vets say he barely felt a thing, and is in a "better place".
7. Through the miracle of IVF, in 2034 Homme gave birth to Elvis and Evil Jesus simultaneously from two separate genetically engineered vaginas just underneath his nipples. When asked if this experience changed him, Homme replied "I think everyone has to try it once, although my wife can't even look my chest vaginas in the eye now. So I secrete breast vagina mucus into her energy drinks while she's at work."
2. Invented Underwater deep fisting to help teach disabled children what love feels like to normal humans.
Childhood and Beginning of Pimp Career[edit]
Homme was ejected from his father's uterus in a desert called Joshua Tree, California. At age 9, he used the penises of salamanders to learn how to play guitar, and how to perform fellatio on lizards. He quickly learnt that owl ejaculate was much more thirst quenching than the blood of orphans, and decided to breed with owls. He joined his first band, Pedophile and the Underage Vaginal Canals, at the age of 12. At the age of 43 he noticed his first erection, and promptly grabbed the nearest mammal and sexed it into another dimension. Discovering his talent for fucking things out of our plane of existence, he quickly became notorious, pimping out Otters and other types of Giraffe to starving Ethiopians. This explains the recent increase in AIDS, Squirrel AIDS, and Ginger AIDS.
Musical Career[edit]
With the help of David Tennant's penis propelling Homme to 88mph, Homme traveled back to 1987 to create a band known as Kyuss. Although their music was predominantly about beastiality, homosexuality and agnosticism, their music became very popular amongst Catholics. Pope Fuck once said about Kyuss, "The rhythm of the bass lines equals the approximate speed at which my hips can collide with the choirboys". Upon hearing this, Homme released a charity song entitled "Hips 2 hips, Fuck the poor", all proceeds of which were snorted by Courtney Love in a vain attempt to seduce the corpse of Morgan Freeman.
When all the members of Kyuss were killed in the 1666 great fire of London, zombie Homme returned as a homosexual in the year 11,567 BCE. Over time, he developed his manly singing voice into a girly shriek in order to avoid his natural predators (Otters and Helium balloons). He used his homo-erotic experience in this time to come up with a new project with which to fund his owl breeding, a band called 'Queens of the Stone Age'. Struggling to find a bassist, Homme let all of the prisoners out of Arkham Asylum, and chose the prisoner with the best goatee, Nick Oliveri. Together the two made beautiful music, but while they weren't bumming, they also produced sounds onto records which were distributed for a nominal fee to the public. For the first track on the record, 'Regular Handjob', Homme recorded the vocals whilst having his scrotum slowly crushed by the boots of Mexican Michael Jackson's ghost (The two later had sex, resulting in another song, 'Mexi-cock') resulting in ridiculously high pitched vocals. Commenting on the vocals, Spiderman said "I found them easy to masturbate to, but that was the problem. I prefer a challenge, like wanking off while watching Margaret Thatcher's election speech, or Osama Bin Laden's death".
Personal Life[edit]
Homme is married to Ed Sheeran, and they have 3 kids, Adolf Hitler, Oscar Wilde and the inventor of anal rape, George Bush. Homme has stated that before going on stage, he inserts at least 3 pineapples deep into his rectum, to give him the sexual excitation needed to play guitar. Homme had the words "Baby Duck" tattooed on his right arm to signify his love of and sexual frustration towards young birds. There has been much speculation as to how his surname is pronounced, in 2009 Josh clarified the pronunciation by stating "It's Josh Homie, dawgg". After being sodomized by a banana being wielded by Bono (While The Edge clapped and chanted "Ba-na-na, in your ass, ba-na-na, stick it in fast") Homme took his love of birds to the next level by fornicating with people whose names sounded like birds, namely Sheryl Crow, Jay Leno and Robin Williams. Homme is close friends with musician Dave Grohl, and during Grohl's caffeine addiction, Homme unfortunately supported Grohl's dangerous behaviour and in 2009 released an album with him called 'Them Crooked Vultures' as the caffeine had completely destroyed their grammar capabilities, and convinced them that they were birds of prey. This is more evidence of Homme's love of birds.
Homme is also an avid gun collector, with some of his collection including a classic Winchester rifle, sawn-off shotgun, and a Beretta 9mm target pistol, mostly used to impress owls into submission. Homme is considered a pioneer of Stoner Rock and Metal.
Controversy[edit]
In 2004, Homme was arrested for picking up a dwarf named Blag Dahlia by the ankles, assaulting him, removing the dwarf's pants, spitting in the dwarf's ass crack and singing "Back in black, spit on the crack, bite the sack until Kyuss comes back" to the tune of 'Back in Black' by AC/DC. Homme was arrested by the dwarf police, and served a short term in prison. When asked about this experience, Homme said "I felt like a fucking giant, everyday in the showers I would get there first to put the soap on the floor, then i would use my semen to stick to the ceiling and drop on the unsuspecting midgets. The look on their butt holes, always shocked!". Upon pleading no contest, he must now stay at least 100 yards away from dwarves. In 2008 at the Norwegian Wood Festival, Josh used the keen owl-like vision he had developed to spot a Justin Bieber fan in the crowd. Upon being spotted, the "Belieber" began projecting apparel at Homme. Appropriately, Homme called the 7 year old out as a "Chicken shit fucking faggot". The next day, Homme was attacked by the press for his remarks, however it should be noted that all the writers that were offended by his words were in fact chicken shit fucking faggots. When asked if he still gets nervous when playing live, Homme responded "Sometimes I jizz so powerfully that I momentarily reverse the orbit of the earth, resulting in the death of literally tens of insects, but the fans seem to like it".
Homme also invented 'Rimming', 'Bukkake' and the 'Shepherd's Pie'. While talking about these inventions, Homme said "These sexual acts were mostly inspired by the shape of a female turtle's clitoris. Jack Black taught me all the other stuff". Jack Black is a friend and long term associate of Homme, and Jack can even be heard clapping (His main talent) on Queen's of the Stone Age's record, Lullabies to Paralyze released 21 March 2005.
Homme also has a wood fetish. He has been caught fucking trees twice, once with a red fern, the other time with a whole forest of oaks, this event was named the "Oak Orgy of '02". When asked about this fetish, Josh said "I am sexually aroused by all products of wood; tables, chairs, Jeremy Clarkson, benches, paper, Jeremy Clarkson, the French. It's fun once you get past the splinters and the infections".
Musical Equipment[edit]
Homme's primary instrument is a violin made out of the tears of terrorists. It can only be played by ovulating directly onto the strings, meaning Homme can only play one note per day. This results in large problems when recording, as demonstrated by the band taking 6 years to record their upcoming untitled album, the follow-up to 2007's 'Anal Vulgaris'. Homme also mastered the triangle at the age of 3, thanks to the third hand he grows from the end of his penis when he is aroused. It has been rumoured that the xylophone Homme plays in 69% of his songs is made of the bones of Winston Churchill, Jack the Ripper, and Marylin Monroe. Homme has received many awards for his sexually frustrating guitar playing, in 2011 he was named the 14th best guitarist of the last 30 years by BBC-6Music. Maton also released a signature Josh Homme guitar after witnessing his ovulation skills.
Conspiracies[edit]
In July 2012, A Current Affair reported that Homme was yet again pregnant, this time with the Virgin Santa's child. Upon discovering this revelation, Satan rose up from Hell and declared that the baby was in fact his, and he had used his invisi-penis to impregnate Homme without him knowing. The media went crazy, accusing Homme of horrible things such as being a fan of Lady Gaga, enjoying the taste of Vegemite, and even giving money to the poor. Choosing to ignore his heroic bird-fucking behaviour, the press decided instead to report under headlines such as "THE FOURTH COMING OF JESUS: THIS TIME, IT'S ON YOUR FACE", "SATAN AND GINGER HAVE BABY: APOCALYPSE IMMINENT" and "JULIA GILLARD WORRIED: REPLACEMENT EVIL RANGA ON THE WAY". After 17 months of pregnancy, the child unfortunately exploded In Utero. Josh was understandably horrified, and rushed to Satan's beach-front mansion for support and oral sex. The world was in shock, but no one took it harder than Satan, he's quoted saying "No one takes it harder than me". In order to avenge the explosion of his unborn spawn, Satan placed a spell over humanity that convinced them the world would end in December 2012, and he also created Facebook to keep them ignorant, at home, alone. While everyone was playing Farmville, Homme and Satan proceeded to have sexual intercourse with every species of Hamster. This resulted in Angus T Jones converting his religion, and becoming an obese little bitch.
Currently, the only people aware of the mass Hamster impregnation event are Stephen Hawking (Who has remained uncharacteristically quiet about it all), Stevie Wonder (Who was blinded by Satan when he attempted to inform the police), and Marvin Gaye (Who was believed to have heard it through the grapevine).
Another conspiracy is the idea that in January, 2101, Homme will reveal that he is in fact a Dalek that has spent the last 14 thousand years studying the behaviour and sexual activity of mammals in order to create a pornographic reality show on his home planet. 'Daleksdayers of the Latter Day Saints' as they are called believe that every time you masturbate, a Dalek is recording it for entertainment. People with especially small penises (See Selena Gomez, Abraham Lincoln, Tony Abott) will be voted off (Hung, drawn, quartered and defecated upon) every hour until only women remain, at which point the Daleks will permanently raise all the toilet seats in the world, causing mass suicide among 99% of women. The remaining 1% will be used as personal slaves by Satan and Dalek-Homme.