Hector Berlioz
“He was emo in the gayest way possible. Delightful chap”
Hector "Times a Billion" Berlioz (December 11, 1803 – March 8, 1869) was a French Romantic composer, best known for his suffering of Guinness World Records Syndrome: his constant efforts at creating huge things were comically met with failure, and continue to be laughed upon after several generations.
Early life[edit]
He was born in some shitty french village to poor, ugly and stupid parents, who ate rat shit for lunch and worked as sex slaves to corrupted politicians.
Hector left the house aged 14, and decided to become God: it was a difficult task, but Hector believed he was up for it.
Marine biologist[edit]
Hector graduated with a Sea Stuff Degree from the Russian Reversal Public University (In Soviet Russia, University learns from YOU!!!), and decided to use his job to get on the first step of becoming God. He started by working with fellow scientists on the creation of a new sea species, engineered and controlled by him, that would take over the world, and thus make Hector God.
Things got bad when Hector's attack on German ports failed (turns out Berlioz's amazing creature was a purple goldfish with severe asthma) and the German government sued him for "Illegal Üse of Die Fïsh". His marine biologist license was taken away, and he whored himself for a few months to survive. he describe those years as "some of the most pleasant of my life."
Prostitution Career[edit]
Berlioz was now miles away of being God, but he could enjoy life. He moved to Paris and became one of the city's most famous whores, selling himself at enormous prices to everyone, regardless of their gender or social stand. He was getting invited to every party, and pretty soon, the President himself was paying for Hector's anal services.
After winning millions and millions, Berlioz decided he should get back at his megalomaniac plan. Just right after this quick shag.
The Tower of Berlioz[edit]
Berlioz then spent his millions on a building project, which he said "will touch God, get His sorry ass out of Heaven and make me the new deity for all mankind." It was first to be called "Gigantic Stone Penis", but Hector later decided on the much more self-praising "Tower of Berlioz." Construction began under his supervision, and everyone wondered what would turn out of it.
The Tower of Berlioz, however, ended up as a fiasco. The building was |invaded by Michael Jackson, who used it mainly to organize child orgies and recording sessions. As much as it turned a profit, Berlioz was now on everyone's bad list, and it didn't help him that Samuel L. Jackson threw Michael out, right after proclaiming he was tired of the muthafuckin' pedophiles on the muthafuckin' tower.
Musical career[edit]
Depressed, Berlioz began having piano lessons with Elton John. After a heated affair, Berlioz decided to stop playing and instead compose to achieve his desire of becoming God. But of course, he wasn't simply going to sit there and write for piano. His projects were immense.
Grand Messe Des Morts[edit]
The Great Mass of Dead is scored for a gazillion woodwinds, ten millions of trillions of Wagner tubas with lubrificant, four armies of trombones placed at the corners of the Earth, a chorus of every single dead person ever (how they're supposed to sing remains a mystery) and the brutal noise of every single car in Xhangai. The result was a 127 year long piece, which some critics called a masterpiece, and others called pointless (The earth doesn't have corners, right?)
Fantastic Symphony[edit]
In Hector's own words, the Fantastic Symphony is "fantastic." It tells the story of a drug addict, and to achieve that effect, Berlioz scored it for ten thousand opium plant pickers and native exotic percussion. A recording of the piece under the baton of Ozzy Osbourne won an Emmy, although some people criticized Ozzy for calling the plant pickers "chinky retards."
Operas[edit]
Berlioz's opera Les Troyens is famous as to having been scored for everything in existence. It is supposed to go on until the universe implodes. It is currently being recorded under Kevin Federline (The orchestra has had some trouble breathing). Benvenuto Cellini, another one of his operas, is scored entirely for cannons, thus causing plenty of unfortunate accidents in performances. President Bush has already shown interest in performing it near the Syrian border, possibly arranging it for nukes.
Quotes[edit]
“I saw one of his concerts once, and well, being deaf hasn't been easy.”
“The things he could have done besides whining about the moonshine and blowing our ears out...”
“Hector Berlioz is a composer of very loud music”
“That thing about the fish and the tower, it's not true, right?”
“No.”
“His Requiem was probably the strongest opponent I ever had to face. Believe me, my ears were bleeding.”
“I pity the foo' who challenges Berlioz for a loud brass playing contest”