UnNews:OpEd Columns Editorials Letters
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Letters to the Editor and Columns.
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UnNews would be a sad excuse for a news agency if we didn't have Editorials and a feedback column. Our Janitors Closet is a forum for the intelligentsia among UnNews readers, a place to piss and moan, or to praise us for our outstanding critical thinking skills as journalists. Letters may even be answered in the event an editor can found who cares. For those of you who don't remember newspapers, OpEd is short for Opinion Editorial.[1][2]
- ↑ No, it isn't. It means the page opposite the editorial page. That is, OpEd means exactly Columns, Mr. Redundancy. Signed, SPIKE
- ↑ Oh, piss off you anal-retentive amateur librarian. Signed, Zim_ulator
Reductio ad Hitlerum: Guest editorials by notable figures, such as Sarah Palin, Jesuszilla, etc..
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Hi Uncyclopedia, I appreciate speaking directly to you, the people who voted for me in 2008, against that hope-y, change-y guy. People who know me know that besides faith and family and my rifle, there's nothing more important to me than my loyal supporters.
As I sit here on this resplendent Alaska morning, the smell of a freshly baked pie wafting delicately beneath my nose, I am reminded by that wholesome aroma of the hope and perseverance that is the American spirit. But, today, I have a less pleasant subject to talk about. Today, I want to talk to you about the lame-stream media.
Liberty-loving patriots all throughout our great nation know that the lame-stream media is very, very lame. Golly, I can hardly watch the lame-stream media without thinking, "Well, aren't you just so lame!" Any conservative could see that the lame-stream media gives that hope-y, change-y guy in the White House a free pass for all his dirty tricks and his underhanded dealings. But they've been out to get me since day one! For example, they posted a horrifying, sexist picture of me wearing shorts. When I posed for that picture, I would have been appalled if I had known it would fall into the hands of the lame-stream media! But it did, and the lame-stream media sent pictures all over America of me in a pair of shorts. That's how lame they are. They're lame, and they're sexist. more...
UnColumns
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Fluffy bunnies. How often have you felt proper sympathy toward those cute little ruminants? Not often, I bet. While you may appreciate their fluffiness and obvious cuteness, until now most of us - yes, I'm guilty of that myself - have viewed them as just another nuisance. Nothing could be farther from the truth, as recent studies have established. more...
OpEd
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LIVE FROM New York... After a successful grassroots Facebook campaign to get her to host, Golden Girl Betty White’s Saturday Night Live episode drew monster ratings of 8.8 million viewers. And at 88. she is the oldest person to ever host the show, beating the record set by then-80-year-old Miskel Spillman.
And she was funny as hell! So, where does Lorne Michaels go from there? Here is a list of people I’d like to see host SNL in the near future.
And Lorne, if you happen to be reading this, take plenty of notes. With our advice, you’re sure to deliver a knockout show week after week after week. If more episodes were like the Betty White event, more people would tune in and watch. Not that the show isn’t funny anymore, because it is. I’m just saying that you could spice up the show with people like this to draw in viewers.
So without any further ado, and in no particular order, I present to you, you, and you -- not you! -- You! -- um, nope -- and you... my picks for the next big SNL host. Wait, I need to piss first, dammit.
(Two minutes later...)
There we go, that's much better. Now, where was I? Ah, yes... here now is my list of potential SNL hosts in the near future. Lorne Michaels, take note... more...
ATBF
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CLEVELAND HEIGHTS, Ohio -- Long-time affixed unit of the Church of the Sub-Genius Rev. Ivan Stang was not interviewed for this article. During the course of this non-existent interview much was obfuscate revealings of the true nature of this religious travesty.
The Church of the SubGenius™ has declared itself the way to enlightenment, so pissing from helicopters is illegal now. Livers in the petra-sub-division should file claims for winching by now or sooner. Smell?
Stang stang for in another furnace of desecration. Doubtless to refute the Novelty Porpoise referenced in yet another book by Wilson. Bruce Campbell acquired the leverage to forestall the ineffable brightness of non-being. It is for this and other reasons that his films featured the Necronomicon, loosening the dovetail process towards enlightenment. more...
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Janitors Closet: Bitch, piss, and moan at your Janitorial Services Editor. Click here to submit your letter
Dear Chief Janitorial Editor,
I have written an series of articles about the Illuminati, submitted it to UnNews, and then they seem to disappear. I can find no records that the articles ever existed. I suspect some sort of virus has invaded my computer and deleted the backed-up copies of my articles as well, but cannot as yet, prove it. A little help here?
Suzy Creamcheese
- Dear Ms. Creamcheese,
- Let me begin by saying you've got some sweet ass. We mean that in the nicest possible way. Really! When we see that tight butt, we always say, "I'd follow that ass to hell for a piece" We know this because there's a camera behind you. In fact, there are 7 cameras dispersed about the room, giving us pretty much a 360 view. That is because we're piggybacking on the Illuminati computer network. They don't even suspect we're doing it. They're pretty stupid.
- Don't fret about your lost articles. We have recovered them from deletion by the Trilateral Commision, who operate at the behest of the Illuminati, and will publish them when
the Cabal sees fitwe feel it will make the strongest impact as journalism.
- Don't fret about your lost articles. We have recovered them from deletion by the Trilateral Commision, who operate at the behest of the Illuminati, and will publish them when
Yours in cleanliness and sanitation,
- The Editorial Stiff
Dear Chief Janitorial Editor, Uncyclopedia et al.
So, who cares if I don't return. I'll make this short. I have nothing funny to add or to write about anymore. Don't be e-mailing me or looking for me online because all I will do is just plain fuckin' ignoring you little shits! Anyway, have fun insulting one another & pissing on any article you wish to change. I won't be around nor will I ever be coming back to this site. I'm through, I'm done, & I'm outta here!!!!!!
See ya around, trolls!
JGordon
- Dear JGordon,
- As always, delighted to hear from a complete and utter douche bag. I am particularly pleased that you want us to leave you alone, in compliance with Uncyclopedia Rule 88, Section 3 How To Get On With Life, which reads, "In the event that a user decides to become an UnUser, just bloody well leave the mewling little git alone." No one is quite sure what that means, or if it indeed exists.
- If you don't like it, you can sit on my lap face down, blow me, suck the free end of my throbbing member, et cetera, etcetera.
Hygienically yours,
- The Editorial Stiff
Dear Chief Janitorial Editor,
Is there a Mrs. Chief Janitorial Editor?
Perhaps you would like to meet my sister.
She is very nice.
She can pull plow and milk cow.
Her vagin [sic] is tight like BP oil rig.
CE8eYGaz
- Dear CE8eYGaz,
- I never divulge my marital status, as I find it counters my efforts to get laid more. As for your sister, I would like to know more about your offer. As fate would have it, I've been considering starting a dairy farm in my back yard. I also plan to grow much of my own cattle feed. I am in a position to offer a modest sum for a long-term lease of contract labor.
- Being ignorant of the oil trade jargon, I wonder, is "vagin" a technical term associated with oil drilling? And, if so, are you making veiled references to some sort of sexual act or acts? Because, if this is so, I am at a complete loss as to what exactly you are talking about, and whether it's good or bad. Please elaborate. You can use the same e-mail address to send photos, terms and a brief resume and list of acceptable sex acts, with and without barn animals. Cheers!
Yours in cleanliness and sanitation,
- The Editorial Stiff
Dear Chief Janitorial Editor,
Why are you such a Nazi fuck? You're like Mussolini, telling everybody to shot the fuck up. I hate you. You suck. You can't tell me what to do.
A Concerned Citizen
- Dear Concerned & Stupid,
- I've been inspired to write an article about a twat who invokes Godwin's Law, without having a clue as to it's meaning. Oh, wait... that's you! Invoking Reductio ad Hitlerum as a way to bolster your argument makes you look like an idiot [1]. You're obviously one of those self-important, mewling douche bags trying to pass as insightful and above the judgment of others. We're on to you, buddy. This is a community, dickbag. Disrespecting admins, like disrespecting anybody in general, will ultimately make you the loser. The only real difference, as far as you should be concerned, is that I and other admins can ban you permanently if I feel like it. Fair warning; stop being such a dick. Cheers!
- P. S. I'm the pretentious douche bag around here. Got that?
Janitorially yours,
- The Editorial Stiff
Dear Janitors Closet,
Why don't you just fuck off and die?
- Dear Reader,
- Why don't you.
Janitorially yours,
- The Editorial Stiff